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Breaking News:
One of these people is very happy. One is not. Every time a bell rings, a roundish coaster enthusiast gets his wings! Sorry to inform you that "Mister Donut" translates as "Pastry filled with feces" "What do we want? BRAINS! When do we want them? BRAINS!" "And then we sold this man a fifteen-year-old Walkman for $200 and told him it was the next-generation iPod!" Okay, really, now you're just photoshopping in the same stupid pose in front of stock photography for each park. Costumed worker at Japanese park on day TPR visits: Worst. Temp. Job. Ever.
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Hello, Japan! We will be annoying you for the next several days. This is almost like interacting with another human. More gravy, fewer noodles, please. "Hey, we're in Japan! Let's, um, bowl! That should really expose us to new cultures! "...and then let's go to Denny's!" "I wonder if I could get an on-ride video of this drum..." Why exactly would the photographer yell out "Act like utter morons, anyway? ...and dozens of Japanese commuters collapse from the smell at once Dude, that's totally Spicoli in the middle. It's so nice to be somewhere that's open to different, er, preferences What Has Happened to CoasterBuzz? Wild West World Owners Next Spending $40 Million on Roller Disco-Themed Park Hollywood Horror Nights to Feature Enormous Animatronic Goldie Hawn In Further Improvements to Son of Beast, Cedar Fair to Add Whiny Guy with Body Odor Tapping Patrons' Shoulders Repeatedly, Asking "Does This Bug You?" Hard-Hitting Journalist Rather Proud of Transitions Sunglasses, Intense Journalistic Stare Q. Why Don't Enthusiasts Get Dates? A. Here's a Start. Hundreds of Enthusiasts Simultaneously Discover Working in Amusement Park Sucks, Fellow Employees Hate Them Six Flags Right In Touch With Hot Trends Intamin Admits Maverick Designed by Ron Toomer with Bendy Wire Hangers; Says, "Computers are Expensive!" Enthusiasts Practice Saying "Mas Tapas" Repeatedly Gravy Futures Way, Way Up Carowinds Employees Assimilated
All information guaranteed absolutely accurate or your money back.
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Thursday, March 05, 2009
Writing Our Acceptance Speech Already... Looking forward to winning this award. Thanks in advance to our tens and tens of fans for nominating us repeatedly. --GP Posted at 11:04 AM | Link | 1 comment(s)
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Our Question Is... When will Flying Turns open? We demand precision! Posted at 6:47 PM | Link | 1 comment(s)
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Are You Ready? That's how long until the next Theme Park Review Friday update at RRC if it appears as the same time as last week. Update: OHMIGODOHMIGOD THEY POSTED EARLY!!!@!!!@! CHECK IT OUT PEEEPS!!!!!!!!1 And...go! Get yer typing fingers ready! Get yer insane asshattery prepared! --GP Posted at 10:49 PM | Link | 1 comment(s)
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
NYC: "Yes, We Would Like Coney Island to Look Just Like Your Mall." In a surprising announcement, the New York City government acknowledged today that it does, in fact, want Coney Island ultimately to look like your regional mall. "In particular, we are seeking to emulate that classic and intensely missed mall, the Northland Shopping Center of Jennings, Missouri. But with new and similarly generic stores." The press release continued: "Why have local and eclectic amusements, and historical buildings? Why have the original Nathan's? The answer is: No reason, when you can have a Gap, FYE, Abercrombie & Fitch, and, most critically, a One Potato Two and a Mrs. Fields Cookies." Construction on the expected thirteen Starbucks will start immediately. Additionally, the press release notes that all current Coney Island residents will be replaced by white people from South Dakota. --GP Posted at 10:08 AM | Link | 1 comment(s)
Royalty Comes Out in Full Force for Inauguration What's that? All those drama queens are actually just responding to a TPR thread? Huh. --GP Posted at 9:32 AM | Link | 1 comment(s)
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
Fight! Fight! Fight! It's a fight! An incredibly lame, petty, pointless fight, one in which you just hope everyone beats the crap out of everyone else, but a fight! Whoo! --GP P.S. to people who bring kids into a fight: you're idiots. Posted at 9:34 AM | Link | 4 comment(s)
Monday, December 22, 2008
Six Flags Again Does Our Job For Us Really, Six Flags? You have so much extra money around that you think it makes sense to start a...wait a minute, we can't be reading this right. It's gotta be a typo. Just a second, let us go check on this. [Sounds of rummaging through papers...] Really? That's what it is? A hair cutting store chain? Themed after a floundering amusement park chain? WTF? --GP Posted at 12:28 PM | Link | 1 comment(s)
Friday, October 24, 2008
Least Surprising News Ever NoGodForYouNorWillThereBeUniversalThemeParksForYou. --GP Posted at 9:30 AM | Link | 1 comment(s)
Friday, August 29, 2008
We apologize for the delay This certainly does call for mockery, but we can't quite bring ourselves to do it. Too damn cute. Clearly, we are losing it. --GP Posted at 4:56 PM | Link | 1 comment(s)
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
Holiday World Announces Very Very Large Water Feature In a highly-anticipated move, Holiday World recently announced a very very large water feature, easily eclipsing its Applause Hands fountain as the biggest non-passenger-carrying water feature in the park. "We knew we needed a big attraction, but we didn't really want something that would carry passengers or, you know, function," said park president Will Koch. "For tall and non-functional engineering and construction, we knew there was only one company to turn to: Intamin. They've got a long and proud tradition of building enormous sculptures that don't actually run in the way you expect rides to operate, you know, with patrons or anything like that. So Pilgrims Plunge will join a long series of zero passengers-per-hour Intamin rides." Holiday World issued a statement declaring that its decision was inspired by Six Flags's addition of the world's largest lawn ornament, Kingda Ka, at its New Jersey park. "That installation was so successful they were able to remove their other decoration, Batman & Robin: The Chiller. We're hoping that Pilgrims Plunge will sit, untouched by patrons actually riding, for many years, providing a great photo background." --GP Posted at 9:09 AM | Link | 1 comment(s)
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