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Breaking News:
One of these people is very happy. One is not. Every time a bell rings, a roundish coaster enthusiast gets his wings! Sorry to inform you that "Mister Donut" translates as "Pastry filled with feces" "What do we want? BRAINS! When do we want them? BRAINS!" "And then we sold this man a fifteen-year-old Walkman for $200 and told him it was the next-generation iPod!" Okay, really, now you're just photoshopping in the same stupid pose in front of stock photography for each park. Costumed worker at Japanese park on day TPR visits: Worst. Temp. Job. Ever.
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Hello, Japan! We will be annoying you for the next several days. This is almost like interacting with another human. More gravy, fewer noodles, please. "Hey, we're in Japan! Let's, um, bowl! That should really expose us to new cultures! "...and then let's go to Denny's!" "I wonder if I could get an on-ride video of this drum..." Why exactly would the photographer yell out "Act like utter morons, anyway? ...and dozens of Japanese commuters collapse from the smell at once Dude, that's totally Spicoli in the middle. It's so nice to be somewhere that's open to different, er, preferences What Has Happened to CoasterBuzz? Wild West World Owners Next Spending $40 Million on Roller Disco-Themed Park Hollywood Horror Nights to Feature Enormous Animatronic Goldie Hawn In Further Improvements to Son of Beast, Cedar Fair to Add Whiny Guy with Body Odor Tapping Patrons' Shoulders Repeatedly, Asking "Does This Bug You?" Hard-Hitting Journalist Rather Proud of Transitions Sunglasses, Intense Journalistic Stare Q. Why Don't Enthusiasts Get Dates? A. Here's a Start. Hundreds of Enthusiasts Simultaneously Discover Working in Amusement Park Sucks, Fellow Employees Hate Them Six Flags Right In Touch With Hot Trends Intamin Admits Maverick Designed by Ron Toomer with Bendy Wire Hangers; Says, "Computers are Expensive!" Enthusiasts Practice Saying "Mas Tapas" Repeatedly Gravy Futures Way, Way Up Carowinds Employees Assimilated
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Friday, October 04, 2002
Magic Mountain to Provide Botox Injections In Line Six Flags Magic Mountain announced yesterday that, in a new cross-promotional deal with a local plastic surgeon, Dr. Harry Thomas, the park will provide a small booth for its guests to receive Botox injections while in line for various major rides. As part of the deal, Dr. Thomas's customers at his traditional practice receive $4 coupons for admission to Six Flags. "Our guests have always responded well to our lemonade and other in-line merchandising opportunities, and this was just another way to enhance it," said Mary Gallagher, spokeswoman for the park. "Our rides will make you scream, but your face will be entirely serene while you do so!" If the deal goes well, Dr. Thomas is considering adding breast implants and simple facelifts to the procedures done at his booth, and Six Flags is considering expanding the program to include a full-fledged spa, complete with mud bath and full-body massage. Posted at 7:34 AM | Link | 0 comment(s)
Thursday, October 03, 2002
Launched 4-D Wooden Coaster Joke Getting Really Old Participants in the AmusementTalk discussion group confirmed today that a member's incessant joking about a "launched 4-D wooden coaster" is really getting on their nerves. "Sure, the first time LinkinCoaster mentioned it, it was sorta funny. Sorta. But now, any time anyone brings up any rumor of a new coaster going in anywhere -- or even a new flat ride -- he always posts something about how he heard it was going to be a launched 4-D wooden coaster," says a member who goes by CoasterElder. "Sometimes he'll elaborate on it a little bit, saying it'll have a splashdown section, or maybe a loop. But none of it makes it funny." This is not the first time LinkinCoaster has been ostracized for running a joke into the ground. He has previously posted fifteen times within a four-day period about his claim that Shockwave at Six Flags Great America would be retracked with wooden track and enclosed. Posted at 7:51 AM | Link | 0 comment(s)
Wednesday, October 02, 2002
Paramount Parks to Change Cleaning Supply and Services Vendor In a long-rumored development, Paramount Parks announced in a letter to its season passholders that it would change the vendors for its cleaning supplies and services. Clean-U-Rite of Cleveland, Ohio, is out, and Cleanin' Stuff of Cincinnati is in. First rumored on Screamscape and hotly debated on CoasterBuzz in a discussion that reportedly became so personal that restraining orders were required, the change is expected to be implemented shortly after the final park closing this year. The loser in the dispute, Clean-U-Rite, insists that the quality of its service will not go down during the final Halloween events: "The fake blood, the slime, and the fog residue will all be gone and the parks spotless. Even if some people in this business don't have class, we do," said Joe Frederick, company spokesman. Frederick then had a coughing fit, during which the phrase "Paramount sucks!" was clearly audible. Posted at 10:16 AM | Link | 0 comment(s)
Monday, September 30, 2002
Bonfante Gardens To Feature Rita Rudner As In-Park Character In an endorsement coup, Bonfante Gardens (Gilroy, California) announced today that its 2003 season would open with the near-constant presence of Rita Rudner throughout the park. Rudner, believed to be the most popular actress among amusement park goers of all ages, will both appear in person at autograph sessions and through dozens of local actors wearing eight-foot foam-rubber Rita Rudner costumes, delighting children of all ages. In connection with the endorsement, Bonfante Gardens will retheme many of its rides, including at least one ride themed after Hollywood Squares and the new coaster, Gleaming the Cube, themed after Rudner's wildly popular 1989 record-breaking smash hit. Rudner was reportedly in talks with Six Flags to replace the Warner Brothers characters, but Bonfante Gardens, with its $200 million annual offer, won out for her enormous drawing power. Posted at 10:55 PM | Link | 0 comment(s)
Lakemont: "Screw History, We Want Some Money" Altoona, Pennsylvania --- Lakemont Park, known largely for reopening the oldest still-operating coaster in the world, Leap the Dips, released a press release today entitled "Screw History, We Want Some Money." The essence of the release is that the park has decided to abandon any pretense of caring about coaster history and will be installing an all new set of rides for the 2003 season. Reached for comment, Lakemont's spokesperson said, "Yeah, 'Leap the Dips' was great for us. We were able to collect a ton of money from the suckers, I mean enthusiasts, over at ACE. That paid for quite a few parties for the administrative staff, let me tell you. The actual restoration cost about twenty bucks. But here's some news for you -- the ride sucks! It has all the excitement of a new Corey Feldman movie and just about as much commercial potential. Oldest, schmoldest. We're going extreme." Early plans indicate that the park will install a next-generation coaster from S&S Power as well as at least two Intamin coasters and a full complement of Huss Giant flat rides. The park will be renamed The Edge: The XXXTreme Park. Lumber from tearing down Leap the Dips is expected to be used to build dancing cages framing the new giant stage. The park is said to be in negotations with Kid Rock to open the season, and is expected to be the new regional home of Ozzfest. Posted at 9:07 AM | Link | 0 comment(s)
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