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Breaking News:
One of these people is very happy. One is not. Every time a bell rings, a roundish coaster enthusiast gets his wings! Sorry to inform you that "Mister Donut" translates as "Pastry filled with feces" "What do we want? BRAINS! When do we want them? BRAINS!" "And then we sold this man a fifteen-year-old Walkman for $200 and told him it was the next-generation iPod!" Okay, really, now you're just photoshopping in the same stupid pose in front of stock photography for each park. Costumed worker at Japanese park on day TPR visits: Worst. Temp. Job. Ever.
More headlines below the ads...
Hello, Japan! We will be annoying you for the next several days. This is almost like interacting with another human. More gravy, fewer noodles, please. "Hey, we're in Japan! Let's, um, bowl! That should really expose us to new cultures! "...and then let's go to Denny's!" "I wonder if I could get an on-ride video of this drum..." Why exactly would the photographer yell out "Act like utter morons, anyway? ...and dozens of Japanese commuters collapse from the smell at once Dude, that's totally Spicoli in the middle. It's so nice to be somewhere that's open to different, er, preferences What Has Happened to CoasterBuzz? Wild West World Owners Next Spending $40 Million on Roller Disco-Themed Park Hollywood Horror Nights to Feature Enormous Animatronic Goldie Hawn In Further Improvements to Son of Beast, Cedar Fair to Add Whiny Guy with Body Odor Tapping Patrons' Shoulders Repeatedly, Asking "Does This Bug You?" Hard-Hitting Journalist Rather Proud of Transitions Sunglasses, Intense Journalistic Stare Q. Why Don't Enthusiasts Get Dates? A. Here's a Start. Hundreds of Enthusiasts Simultaneously Discover Working in Amusement Park Sucks, Fellow Employees Hate Them Six Flags Right In Touch With Hot Trends Intamin Admits Maverick Designed by Ron Toomer with Bendy Wire Hangers; Says, "Computers are Expensive!" Enthusiasts Practice Saying "Mas Tapas" Repeatedly Gravy Futures Way, Way Up Carowinds Employees Assimilated
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Saturday, October 19, 2002
Medieval History Day Goes Poorly At Castles 'N' Coasters Attempting to emulate the success of larger parks' "Physics Days," Arizona-based Castles 'n' Coasters' management thought they would play to their strengths: castles. So they planned an elaborate Medieval History Day, inviting doctoral students from all the regional universities to attend. Response was underwhelming, to say the least. "I study a subspecialty of agricultural literature common in medieval times, and they're trying to get me to come eat huge roasted turkey legs at an amusement park?" asked Rick Fineman, a Ph.D. student at the University of Arizona. "First of all, the huge roasted turkey legs are well-known to be renaissance in origin, and second, those castles are totally not medieval. Plus, I hear the coasters they have there suck." The one group that came out in force was local high school drama clubs, who dressed, without exception, in capes and Birkenstocks. "Aye, the park is full of saucy wenches!" said Eugene Rocken III, a junior at Phoenix Regional High School. Posted at 10:18 AM | Link | 0 comment(s)
Friday, October 18, 2002
Six Flags to Eliminate Coasters, Add Football In a bold attempt to increase slacking park attendance, Six Flags announced yesterday that it will substitute football for its roller coasters. "Statistics have proven fans are more willing to wait through an hours-long football game rather than up to 120 minutes for a two-minute thrill ride," claims park chain spokesperson Walt Favre. "We plan to build between 3 and 4 stadiums per park -- think about the cash flow we'll have coming in when we fill those babies up!" Favre also points out that guests would be able to take bathroom breaks or get refreshments and not lose their place during a game, unlike the strict linejumping rules at the current ride-oriented parks. Throughout football's off season, SF parks would re-create famous Super Bowl moments with more elaborate half-time shows. While player injuries are expected, guest injuries are predicted to be drastically reduced. And the thrills won't be reduced: "There are quite a bit more ups and downs as well as turnovers in a football game." Six Flags fan Bianca Williams thrills over the idea. "Imagine, visiting a theme park and then seeing replays all day long on ESPN. You cannot do that with a roller coaster." -- RAS Posted at 10:00 AM | Link | 0 comment(s)
Wednesday, October 16, 2002
FastPass Riders to Get Hot Towels, Beverages Six Flags Theme Parks announced today that guests who purchase a "FastPass," a special pass to skip the lines for major thrill rides, will also be given hot towels during the loading process and a complimentary beverage of their choice. In addition, an opaque curtain will be installed on most coasters that have a FastPass lane so that FastPass riders will be separated from the rest of the train (now called "coach" or "economy class" by the park company). The chain is said to be considering adding separate luxury bathrooms, fully-reclining seats, and personal video systems for FastPass customers. The future may see non-FastPass customers being restricted to an entirely separate portion of the park where only one-half-ounce bags of pretzels and six-ounce cups of RC-brand soda will be available for purchase. Posted at 7:24 PM | Link | 0 comment(s)
Tuesday, October 15, 2002
Frontier City Acts Up In what child psychologists describe as "classic oldest-child behavior," Oklahoma City amusement park Frontier City has reportedly been constantly acting up, seeking the attention of its parent company, Six Flags Theme Parks. "At first it was little things," said Dr. Mike Goldman, a Tulsa-based psychologist who specializes in oldest child issues. "Like Frontier City would refuse to clean up its queues and would sometimes run its coasters without the level of braking directed by its parent. But now it's really escalating -- the other night, it stayed open until 3 in the morning, just sitting around talking about girls." Frontier City was the company's first amusement park. At the time, the company was called Premier Parks. After taking over the operations at Six Flags parks nationwide, the company changed its name and all but abandoned its first park, "putting it in the position of the unwanted child from a first, sort of embarrassing, marriage," said Goldman. "But if Six Flags stays firm but loving, encouraging the positive but giving Frontier City a timeout every time it acts inappropriately, I think they can work it out." At press time, reports indicated that Frontier City was contemplating body piercing and/or tattoos. Posted at 8:28 AM | Link | 0 comment(s)
Monday, October 14, 2002
Due to Typo, Paramount Parks Celebrate Columbo Day The word came out from corporate headquarters: Paramount Parks were to celebrate Columbus Day in grand style, with appropriate theming and costumed characters. But, due to an unfortunate typographical error in the memorandum, all of the Paramount parks around the country instead celebrated the coolest of all detectives, Columbo. Peter Falk impersonators got calls for work like they haven't gotten for years, cigars and trenchcoats were sold out in local stores, and visitors had an unusual day at the park. "I was just in line for Hypersonic when this kid -- couldn't have been more than eighteen -- comes up to me. He's got his tie loosened, his collar sorta half up, and a trenchcoat. And that cigar -- what was up with that?" asked Barbara Piccolo, a guest at Paramount Kings Island this morning who had the day off from her government job. "And he starts grilling me like I'm a murder suspect or something and talking in this weird gravelly voice. They've got a funny way of celebrating Columbus Day here." (Editor's Note: Yes, two old detective show-themed articles in a row. Go figure.) Posted at 10:34 AM | Link | 0 comment(s)
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