Still here. But mostly in 140 characters.
- - -

Friday, October 25, 2002
Inside Track to Return "Better Than Ever, Real Soon Now," Says Wyatt

Mark Wyatt, beloved founder of Inside Track magazine, held a triumphant news conference yesterday among throngs of admirers, announcing that the magazine will return "real soon now."

IT, according to Wyatt, went into a rebuilding phase several years ago. "The subscriptions were never lost, and everyone who sent in money -- and thanks to everyone who kept sending me money, by the way! -- will get their issues. We didn't stop publishing. We just...slowed it down. A lot."

The wait will be worth it, according to Wyatt, who was occasionally hard to hear over the cheers of coaster enthusiasts. "It's going to be so much better than before. We'll have pictures and articles and editorials and I'm hoping that my moustache and I will be on TV again. Hello, Discovery Channel! So everyone out there, just go ahead and send me your subscription payments now and you'll get the next issue in a matter of days. Or weeks. Maybe several weeks. You can't rush quality."

Rumors indicate that the first issue after the rebuilding phase will feature a cover story about an up-and-coming coaster firm called "Bolliger and Mabillard" and a preview of a brand-new exciting company called "Custom Coasters Inc." It also will provide exclusive stories that Wyatt says will "blow the doors off the industry" -- about a supposed (if improbable) claim that Premier Parks will take over all of the Six Flags parks, go on a buying spree, and spend hundreds of millions of dollars on new rides.

Posted at 10:03 AM | Link | 0 comment(s)

- - -

Tuesday, October 22, 2002
"Dracula" at FrightFest Getting Way Fewer Girls Than Expected

When Tony Murray saw the ad in the newspaper for Six Flags Magic Mountain's hiring of actors for its "FrightFest" attraction, he was immediately attracted to the Dracula role. Having recently seen The Lost Boys, Interview With a Vampire, and various other vampire movies, he knew one thing was true of all vampires: They get girls.

"I figured I'd leer menacingly at the girls and they'd just fall apart, and I'd be going home -- in costume, of course -- with a different girl every night," says eighteen-year-old Murray, a recent high school graduate. "But the best that happens is they scream and giggle and then keep walking through the haunted house. None of them leave their phone numbers or even seem to know that I'm not animatronic."

Also reportedly disappointed were actors playing Dr. Frankenstein and Hannibal Lecter. Oddly, the actor playing Casper the Friendly Ghost reports that he has "been scoring every night!"

Posted at 11:29 AM | Link | 0 comment(s)

- - -

Monday, October 21, 2002
Disney To Rid Haunted Mansion of Ghosts, Evil Spirits

Disneyland announced yesterday that it would be hiring an exorcist to rid one of its most popular attractions of reported ghosts and evil spirits. "These things have been popping up and frightening park guests," claims Disney spokesperson Casper Royson. "Witnesses claim these otherworldly beings inhabit virtually every room of the ride. This may not have been such a big problem if there were only one or two of these creatures, however, our investigators have turned up literally hundreds!"

Several park guests have left the ride shaking in fear. "Yeah, there's a whole bunch of ghosts in there," stated 14 year old Mike MacDonald. "One ghost even hitched a ride in our doom buggy!"

"This has been going on for years, right under our noses," points out Royson. "We plan to clean the attraction for the park's 50th anniversary." A search is under way to obtain just the right exorcist to perform the job.

Higher ranking Disney officials also plan to look into the attraction which appears in its sister parks. "We simply cannot have the spirits of the dead scaring unwary visitors. The Mansion is supposed to be a fun, family oriented attraction. Not a haven for spooky miscreants."


Posted at 1:18 PM | Link | 0 comment(s)

- - -


[Powered by Blogger]

Copyright 2002-2009 Absolutely Reliable News & Rumors.

By the way, in case you're really not too sharp, this is satire.

Our favorite review: "as a joke it [ARN&R] wasn't that funny. all of my family take parks very seriuslyand all thow we laffed after time we were apoled by the joke."

Anything you e-mail us is fair game to go on the site or to be used in any other way, including printing it up real big and posting it outside AbsolutelyReliableTowers.

Sorry, your IQ must be this high and your age at least 18 to be among the intended readers of ARN&R. Please enjoy some of our other attractions.

We like gravy and the occasional buffet. The greatest thing ever, however, would be a gravy buffet.