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Breaking News:
One of these people is very happy. One is not. Every time a bell rings, a roundish coaster enthusiast gets his wings! Sorry to inform you that "Mister Donut" translates as "Pastry filled with feces" "What do we want? BRAINS! When do we want them? BRAINS!" "And then we sold this man a fifteen-year-old Walkman for $200 and told him it was the next-generation iPod!" Okay, really, now you're just photoshopping in the same stupid pose in front of stock photography for each park. Costumed worker at Japanese park on day TPR visits: Worst. Temp. Job. Ever.
More headlines below the ads...
Hello, Japan! We will be annoying you for the next several days. This is almost like interacting with another human. More gravy, fewer noodles, please. "Hey, we're in Japan! Let's, um, bowl! That should really expose us to new cultures! "...and then let's go to Denny's!" "I wonder if I could get an on-ride video of this drum..." Why exactly would the photographer yell out "Act like utter morons, anyway? ...and dozens of Japanese commuters collapse from the smell at once Dude, that's totally Spicoli in the middle. It's so nice to be somewhere that's open to different, er, preferences What Has Happened to CoasterBuzz? Wild West World Owners Next Spending $40 Million on Roller Disco-Themed Park Hollywood Horror Nights to Feature Enormous Animatronic Goldie Hawn In Further Improvements to Son of Beast, Cedar Fair to Add Whiny Guy with Body Odor Tapping Patrons' Shoulders Repeatedly, Asking "Does This Bug You?" Hard-Hitting Journalist Rather Proud of Transitions Sunglasses, Intense Journalistic Stare Q. Why Don't Enthusiasts Get Dates? A. Here's a Start. Hundreds of Enthusiasts Simultaneously Discover Working in Amusement Park Sucks, Fellow Employees Hate Them Six Flags Right In Touch With Hot Trends Intamin Admits Maverick Designed by Ron Toomer with Bendy Wire Hangers; Says, "Computers are Expensive!" Enthusiasts Practice Saying "Mas Tapas" Repeatedly Gravy Futures Way, Way Up Carowinds Employees Assimilated
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Friday, November 08, 2002
Breaking News: Coaster Track Seen Coaster enthusiasts were rocked late last night by news of an exciting coaster track spotting in northern Florida. Alert American Coaster Enthusiast and Florida Coaster Club member Alton Thompson, 14-year-old described by his dermatologist as "a great challenge," noticed the new track while being driven by his mother to his weekly Dungeons and Dragons game with best friends Marshall Fine, 14, and Marty Warshaw, 13. "We passed this big flatbed truck on I-10," gushed Thompson. "There was, like, all this blue coaster track on there. I think it was B&M, but it might've been Intamin. It was really wide gauge, though, so I bet it's a new 4th dimension ride that B&M hasn't advertised yet!" Thompson, whom experts have identified as staggeringly unlikely to get laid before his 40th birthday, proceeded to post his illustrious and insightful opinions to numerous coaster sites, including CoasterBuzz, Thrillnetwork, Screamscape, Coasterglobe, and even the long-dormant Thrillride. As there was not a single other coaster enthusiast aware of a giant new blue B&M or Intamin ride being erected in northern Florida, speculation ran rampant as to whether this ride would be merely an independently owned Jacksonville Beach concession, or perhaps was a sign that the long-awaited opening of Six Flags Live Oak might be nigh. When located by ARN&R staff for an exclusive interview this morning, the driver of the flatbed sighted by Thompson proved surprisingly ready to speak about his cargo of brand-new coaster track sections. Said Billy-Ray Helms, 45, "What the hell are you talking about? I'm carting a load of new sewer piping to the Wal-Mart opening north of Jacksonville. Now get out of my way before I run you over. Moron." --JCK Posted at 10:29 AM | Link |
Tuesday, November 05, 2002
Proposal: Strong Federal Regulation of Amusement Park Shows In a last-minute push for votes, Congressional candidate Robert Urlacher (R-OK) made a bold proposal today, urging the creation of a new federal agency to heavily regulate the dozens or hundreds of musical, magic, and other shows at amusement parks nationwide. "The time has come to say 'Enough' to mediocre high school student actors performing scenes from The Music Man to a poorly-recorded soundtrack. It is really, really, really time to say 'Enough' to stunt shows with acting worthy only of second-grade plays. And we must stop the movie tie-ins that make Keanu Reeves look like freakin' Richard Harris. I propose a new agency to preview all proposed shows with full power to veto their production and, if necessary, jail or execute the participants." Urlacher's opponent, Janet Franklin, seeking to avoid looking soft on bad shows, said she'd go further: "We should summarily execute all people who have been in, or attended, one of these shows." Posted at 3:22 PM | Link | 0 comment(s)
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