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Thursday, December 26, 2002
Alton Towers Not Fooling Anyone
According to American theme parks, Alton Towers is not fooling anyone. "Sure, it's got its crazy British spellings and its '.co.uk' domain ending and its accent, but it's not really British. It's just pretending it's British to pick up chicks," said Paramount Parks.
"That is so true," concurred Six Flags Theme Parks. "One time, I was at a bar with Alton Towers, and after a few drinks, it was totally obvious that it was from North Carolina. And what's with that hair? What, does it think it's Ian Astbury [of British band the Cult]?"
Weighing in last and with a slight slur, Cedar Fair added, "Oh, that hair is hilarious! And those claims about height restrictions, about being so 'civilised' -- come on. You just know that park really would love to kick back with a Bud Light and a huge cloned B&M floorless coaster, but it restrains itself to get all the alt-rock girls."
Alton Towers responded angrily. "Colour me shocked. I am recognisably British. Bloody idiots."
Wednesday, December 25, 2002
Very Special Christmas Rerun
Too full on Christmas dinner to create a new piece, but if you're lame enough to be on the web on Christmas day, we thought we'd provide one of our favorites from the last few months...
Members of Ratt Don't Understand Why Disney Hasn't Themed a Coaster After Them
After the success of Aerosmith's "Rock 'n' Roller Coaster" at Disneyworld, the members of '80s metal band Ratt are furiously lobbying for a themed coaster of their own. Jizzy Pearl, lead singer, declared that "Round and Round" is just as important to the development of rock music as Aerosmith's dozens of major hits. "We make music good. Coaster fun up and down. Where beer?" said Pearl when reached for comment.
Ratt, which has recently been touring venues with capacities upwards of fifteen people, has released four albums, news that surprised every member of the ARN&R staff. To date, no interest has been forthcoming from Disney. However, ARN&R has learned that The Holy Land Experience theme park in Orlando inquired about the possibility of hiring Ratt to represent the wages of sin in a dark ride under development.
By the way, in case you're really not too sharp, this is satire.
Our favorite review: "as a joke it [ARN&R] wasn't that funny. all of my family take parks very seriuslyand all thow we laffed after time we were apoled by the joke."
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