Tasty Little News Tidbits

According to official sources, our story about Star Tours receiving a new Star Wars Holiday Special theme was "complete and utter bull*%it." Says Lucas rep Derek Klivian, "Whoever told you that information should be fed alive to a dianoga. Disney and Lucas have been working hard on making this new attraction something really special, and it hurts their feelings to be insulted by this sort of nonsense. Actually, the new ride will be themed entirely to Wes Janson, a minor character who has like three lines in The Empire Strikes Back. I was a little worried about this myself, but then when I saw that there was an entire website devoted to Wes Janson, I knew it was a great decision. We've even released some cool photos of some of the scary creatures you'll see during the ride experience." ARN&R thanks Mr. Klivian for his candor.

A recent article in our publication broke the news that Dutch Wonderland had been outed. Apparently this article has started a trend among closeted amusement rides and parks, as a website recently revealed that Six Flags Over Texas's Titan is a "Gay Roller Ride!" We applaud Titan for its courageous decision.

Recently, our website reported that a new David Hasselhoff-themed park, featuring Knight Rider and Baywatch roller coasters, a German Festhaus, Pamela Anerson honeymoon videos, and top-notch musical shows based wholly on Hasselhoff songs, would premiere with a scary dark ride called David Hasselhoff is the Antichrist. Some dispute this information. "Carrot Top is clearly the Antichrist," said one highly placed amusement industry insider who wishes to remain anonymous. "The whole premise of the ride just goes down in flames right there. So to speak." ARN&R stands by its sources.

Screamscape's annual "Ultimate" poll is a favorite of enthusiasts, but one popular category is off the board this year: Ultimate Lame Ride Name Award. "It's so clearly going to be Thunder Dolphin, I'm certainly not going to waste my time coming up with other candidates just so it can plow over them and get 99.5% of the vote," said webmaster Lance Hart.

With the imminent start of the NFL season looming this Thursday, Arlington, Virginia coaster enthusiast William Chipotle is in quite a pickle. According to Chipotle, now that he has drafted his fantasy football team, he has to fight the hot chicks off with a stick. "It's awful!" he told ARN&R. "What do I have to do to get rid of these young, nubile babes? I was already getting way too much sex with flawless, horny chicks every day when they found out about my computer programming skills, my awesome coaster patch-encrusted jacket I wear every day, my Lord of The Rings online gaming group, and my visiting the Torcon just to see Janis Ian using her honeymoon to see geeks in giant lobster costumes. But now that I've got my lineup set for opening week of our three-man keeper league, these starlets are just completely out of control. Curse my studliness and sex appeal!"

--JCK

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