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Friday, January 31, 2003
Reality TV Coasts To A New Era
In today’s television market, reality shows such as American Idol, Temptation Island, Joe Millionaire, and Survivor dominate the Nielsens and the advertising dollars. Still, producers are always hard at work looking to find a new spin on the trend in order to keep the genre fresh and the revenue flowing in. This spring, Fox Network will continue targeting large and influential markets with a decidedly coaster enthusiast-influenced set of reality shows.
The first of the new breed of reality shows to debut will be Dork Island, which, while not totally coaster-based, will feature an enthusiast amongst its cast. Says Fox representative Ryan Swank, “A widely diverse group of complete and utter wankers will face off in a series of tests and games each week, after which the Geek Council will meet to throw one member off the island. An added bonus will be the fact that, when the contestant is removed from play, he will actually be locked in a room with his old (or current) high school bullies, who will be free to mock and administer wedgies to him on camera. Dork Island will feature a guy who collects Star Wars dolls, a Magic card player, this Goth dude who pretends he’s a vampire, a D&D Gamemaster, this putz who runs 50 different sports fantasy leagues, a MSTie, a computer games tester, and of course a coaster enthusiast. The show will begin in late February.”
Says enthusiast Jack Bauer, “they better not have gotten some enthusiast who likes crappy coasters. I bet he says Beast is his favorite. That (obscenity) probably even likes Boomerangs.”
Other media watchdogs are also wary of the new show. “Fox sucks worse than a night in a Bantha stable,” said Pete Budryk, a Star Wars enthusiast. “How real is a reality show if they don’t get the facts right? They actually have a Dork Island without including Trekkies? Those guys are the real goobers. I’ll bet Fox wouldn’t be thinking the True Fans were ‘dorks’ if Kir Kanos was trying out some Echani moves on their asses.”
Budryk also added that he, for one, does not collect Star Wars dolls. “They’re twelve inch pose-able action figures. Get it right.”
Premiering in late April will be Fox’s first show devoted entirely to coaster enthusiasts. American Coaster Designer will follow a format similar to the current, American Idol. Thirty-two unknown coaster designers will be featured in auditions, performances, and showcases, with the winner receiving money and a contract to design a new roller coaster at Castles and Coasters Park in Arizona. Online voting determines who is removed weekly.
Aside from seeing the exploits of the bold young wanna-be stars, interest in the show is helped with the use of charismatic judges. Head judge Simon Cowell delights audiences by cruelly insulting the designers. In a preview clip shown to reviewers, Cowell is heard to inform one designer, “These banked curves bring shame upon the human race,” “This ride looks like a pile of horse excrement,” and “You are the single worst coaster designer in the history of the planet.” Other judges are Stan Checketts of S&S, Gravity Group’s Larry Bill, and Thrillride’s Bob Coker.
Not yet in production, but tentatively scheduled for an early summer run of 10 shows is Joe Coaster Enthusiast, where 30 gold-digging whores compete for the attentions and hand in marriage of Walter Bolliger of B&M, one of the world’s most respected coaster firms. The twist Fox plans for this show is to trick the whores into thinking a New York enthusiast with a simian-level intellect, a GeoCities website, and no employment is actually Walter Bolliger.
Says Swank, “When one of those money grubbing sluts finds out that instead of bedding and wedding one of the world’s preeminent coaster technicians, she’s actually offering herself to a complete moron, who, incidentally, thinks the Chiller is the best ride ever created, sparks are sure going to fly!”
Thursday, January 30, 2003
Xcalibur First in Wave of Xtreme Rides
As reported weeks ago on ARN&R, the U.S. Senate passed a secret resolution, approved by President Bush in a midnight ceremony, banning the existence of any new rides that are not Xtreme in nature. Although this news was heavily disputed by “reputable” publications like Amusement Today, Coasterbuzz and ThemeParkCritic chatrooms, ARN&R maintained its trust in its confidential sources. This trust was rewarded with the first physical evidence today that reluctant parks have given in to what Senator Arlen Specter (R-PA) referred to as “some totally kick-ass Xtreme law.”
This afternoon, Six Flags St. Louis announced its new-for-2003 attraction, called the Xcalibur. Speculated to be a clone of the much-unridden Evolution at Six Flags Great Adventure, the new attraction, according to Screamscape, will “throw guests 113 feet into the air, spinning around and around. It can hold 64 riders at a time and will spin around 16 times a minute.”
Said Tim Thomas, a park media representative, “while many parks are scrambling to concoct new X names based on this law, we were fortunate in that we were creating a flat ride with a King Arthur theme. It was no big stretch to call it Xcalibur. After all, what could possibly be more Xtreme than Knights of the Round Table, except perhaps sequining vests between quests or impersonating Clark Gable?”
Thomas noted that there were theming difficulties yet to be surmounted, however. “We’re struggling with how to combine the Xtreme thing with Lancelot and Gawain and all that. We’ll probably just slap together a preshow where the knights are jousting, except they use street luges instead of horses, and then we’ll hope everyone gets so violently ill from riding this thing that they don’t notice how stupid this all is.”
Dateline Exposé Broadens ARN&R Drinking Scandal
Already reeling from charges of alcoholism among its staff, ARN&R was rocked tonight by a no-holds-barred Dateline piece that jumped the ever-widening scandal to national front-page news.
The initial claims of sodden debauchery were made by respected national coaster expert and grammar wizard Xcrement, who stated “[t]hat site is so stupid, and probably run by a couple of drunks.” The rumor was dismissed outright the same night by the website’s Editor-in-Chief, who stated that “no member of my staff has ever been even remotely intoxicated,” immediately prior to belching loudly into the microphone.
The matter seemed to have been put to rest…until ARN&R was blindsided by Dateline, which sneaked cameras into a lurid party at Hugh Hefner’s AbsolutelyReliable Mansion this weekend. The news program gathered reel after reel of shocking material, of which several heavily edited excerpts were shown to the horrified American public.
Among the most Bacchanalian of ARN&R staff misadventures catalogued by Dateline were contributing writers WDL, RAS, and JCK beer-bonging Everclear with Hefner and frolicking in a Gin and Tonic pond with stark naked Jessica Alba, Jennifer Garner and Kristen Kreuk, while the Editor-in-Chief was seen simultaneously shotgunning three cases of Guinness while using a piping hot coat hanger to brand “ARN&R RULZ” on the buttocks of comely young blondes.
Although the ARN&R staff has refused to grant interviews following the startling footage, their lawyer Johnny Cochran has claimed in a written statement that “the case would be tried in a court, not on coaster message boards.”
Wednesday, January 29, 2003
Bush Fails To Mention Coaster Wars
In news that shocked coaster enthusiasts nationwide and worldwide, President Bush completely ignored the escalating coaster wars, instead focusing on mundane issues like the economy and possible war in Iraq.
"Sure, I can see why he'd mention jobs and the like, but what about Top Thrill Dragster?" queried Jim Bruckner, a sixteen-year-old from New York. "And what about the ongoing fight for domination between Cedar Point and Six Flags Magic Mountain? He must be a drunk!"
White House sources, speaking on condition of anonymity, indicated that the president sought to avoid adding fuel to the fire of the coaster races. "He just wants everyone to calm down and to get along. If he were to take sides, who knows where it would go?"
Coasters: Cause of Terror, Ad Claims
A new front opened in the US 'war on terror' on Sunday as an ad campaign was launched during the Super Bowl. The ads aim to stop Americans from riding roller coasters because the thrill rides aid terror in the country's teenage enthusiasts' minds. Specifically, the ad seeks to cease all participation in hyper, giga and strata coasters.
In two spots scheduled to begin regular airing in February, philanthropist Huffin Puffington and his friends, who call themselves The Predeterminate Ones, try to plant the idea that riding the hot-selling mammoth coasters is not restful and quite chaotic.
One spot features a hapless coaster enthusiast named "George" climbing into his coaster vehicle while ominous music accompanies a theme park executive resembling Gary Story of Six Flags stepping into a limousine and a group of gum-chewing teenagers firing obscenities and insults into the air.
"This is George," a narrator says in a sing-song, lispy, little voice. "This is the coaster that George chose to ride. This is the chainlift of the coaster that George chose to ride. This is the crest of the chainlift, at the top of the hill, on the coaster that George chose to ride. And these are the dips and drops, and loops and helixes, and vertical Gs and lateral Gs on this coaster every time George chooses to ride."
"Tempered steel supports some terrible things. What kind of turbulence does your coaster get?" the ad concludes.
In a series of close-ups, the second ad explores the purported consequences of riding on foreign built coasters, juxtaposed with excuses people make for riding on them: "It's like I'm high as an airplane, Jack." "I like to sit up high." "I helped bring thump retro disco to German nightclubs." "It makes me feel funny." "I sent my children off for a while."
Affiliates of the Walt Disney Co.-owned ABC network in New York and Los Angeles have refused to air the ads because they are too controversial, Huffin Puffington said.
Tuesday, January 28, 2003
Breaking News: The Great Escape to be "One of Most Cleanest Six Flag Park Anywhere"
Sources also indicate to ARN&R: "ur all drunks"
According to ARN&R sources, whom we swear we are quoting verbatim, "[W]hy do you want to make jokes on Great Escape? It is a wonderful park, and you just go off and make jokes for it. When it become to Six Flags it will one of most cleanest Six Flags park anywhere, you will see cuz the staffs there are wonderful, and kind."
The source, who spoke on strict condition of anonymity (but we'll just call him or her "Ecks Phan") concluded, with one edit to keep our family-friendly image (hint: the source did not use the word "flange"): "So you did great job put up my quote, that is a wonderful comeback, but sadly you tried too hard to get back to me, you posted this quote cuz you know it's true. So everyone on this site, [flange] off, and leave Great Escape alone, go make jokes on yourself being a couple of drunks."
It is sad, indeed, and, taking the source's advice, we will henceforth change this site to being daily jokes about the fact that ARN&R's staff are all drunks. Thus:
A mushroom member of ARN&R's extensive writing staff walks into a bar and sits down. The bartender says, "Sorry, pal. We don't serve mushrooms here."
The mushroom member of ARN&R's extensive writing staff says, "Why not? I'm a fungi."
New Blacula Themed Park To Open
Smarting from a recent decision by investors to move the location of a proposed Dracula theme park to Bucharest, leaders of the town of Transylvania today announced their intention to create a Blacula-themed resort instead.
“Since conservationists and historians have blocked the creation of a Dracula park due to concerns over the tourism impact on the area, this leaves Transylvania in the lurch while filthy Romanians get loads of money from vampire fans,” said Vlad M. Payler, a Transylvanian spokesman. “At the city council meeting, we discussed alternate ways of earning money by capitalizing on the current vampire craze, and Blacula proved to be the logical choice. As they said back in 1972: He's black! He's beautiful! He's Blacula!”
Payler stated that preliminary plans called for a Scream Blacula, Scream rollercoaster, a Dracula’s Soul Brother simulator, and large areas themed to Dracula’s Castle and Los Angeles, the two main locations of action in the movie.
Monday, January 27, 2003
Guarantee a Lonely Rest of the Year
Are you one of the one-fifth of one percent of our audience with a significant other? Yes? Have we got some Valentine's Day gifts for you!
Why, you can buy her (or him, we suppose, but...ick) a very special thong or him or her some boxer shorts, each with a semi-witty graphic.
All proceeds go towards us.
Paramount Parks to Add "Some Nickelodeon Crap"
In a press release notable for its melancholy tone, Paramount Parks announced that all of its parks would receive "some Nickelodeon crap," as well as "some sort of lame-ass Scooby Doo kids section."
"Park guests will be mildly interested to see the new 'You Can't Do That on Television!' section at each of the Paramount parks," declares the press release. "If they can get enough energy to get their fat asses off the benches and rouse their interest in something besides their goddamn GameBoys, they might also find our Scooby Doo 'Crazy Adventure' theme 75 square feet worthy of their attention for a few minutes."
The press release then contains twelve lines of open verse expressing great angst, generally themed around the author's envy of other park chains' ability to add huge new attractions, and three haiku focusing on the best places to drink heavily near each park.
It concludes: "Yes, indeed, Paramount Parks has again shown that our parks are the best parks in a two square-mile radius of any Paramount park. Old boring coasters and stupid new ones -- who the hell thought of Son of Beast, anyway? -- those are our hallmarks, and our guests love 'em, or at least generally refrain from violence and public defecation while in our parks."
"God, I hate my job."
Sunday, January 26, 2003
Super Bowl Trash Talk Hits Bulletin Board
As Super Bowl festivities get underway today, the Raiders have extra incentive for victory, in the form of taunts made by Buccaneers noseguard Warren Sapp. Sapp’s inflammatory comments immediately appeared on the Raiders bulletin board.
A selection of Sapp’s inflammatory comments are reprinted below:
“Yo, Charlie Garner sucks worse than Raging Wolf Bobs.”
“Lincoln Kennedy is so fat people yell 'Free Willy' when he sits on the beach. I bet he’s a card-carrying member of the American Coaster Enthusiasts.”
“Rich Gannon’s gonna be spending more time on his ass than the Rolling Thunder paint crew.”
“I heard Bill Romanowski’s momma is so stupid, she likes it when the lap bar ratchets her down in the seat so she can’t get no airtime.”
“Warren is doing his best with his antics to get under our skin, but it won’t work,” stated Raiders receiver Jerry Rice. “All he’s doing is giving us more incentive to win this game.”
Rice added that Sapp has lots of really stupid coasters in his top ten list, and that “he can only fit his big ass in Row 5 of a B&M inverted coaster.”
By the way, in case you're really not too sharp, this is satire.
Our favorite review: "as a joke it [ARN&R] wasn't that funny. all of my family take parks very seriuslyand all thow we laffed after time we were apoled by the joke."
Anything you e-mail us is fair game to go on the site or to be used in any other way, including printing it up real big and posting it outside AbsolutelyReliableTowers.
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