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Saturday, March 01, 2003
CoasterBash or Coaster-Bah?
Today’s CoasterBash XIV, held at Garden City Hall in Monroeville, PA, appeared to be anything but a “bash” to unaware American Coaster Enthusiast (ACE) members.
"There were no freakin' roller coasters to ride!" exclaimed Mack “The Big Boy” Porkenhauser. "Sure, they had an all-you-can-eat buffet and bottomless beverages, but the only coasters in the joint were rinky-dink cardboard cut-out models. Really bad models at that."
"I was expecting, due to the off-season timing of this event, to have nothing but ERT without all the stupid rednecks I usually see at Pennsylvania parks," stated fourteen-year-old nonmember, and resident of Monroeville, Chester Lynch. "I heard A.C.E. wuz comin' to town so I grabbed up my thirty-dollar ticket to attend. Shoot, ... free food, free drinks, no parking fees ... I thought I had this event in the bag! But it just plain sucked. There won’t no ridin’ at all!"
Stan Cartman, who drove all the way from Colorado to attend the event, said, “the event flyer promised a ‘Chinese auction.’ I figured maybe that meant one of us would win some contest to get laid by a hot Asian babe, but apparently they meant something else. There was no laying, nor were there any hot Asian babes, nor were there really any babes at all. I feel pretty cheated.”
Virginia ACE member Bert Logan was also distressed. “Kennywood sent some haunted house workers that scared me senseless, but why didn’t we get ERT on Phantom’s Revenge and Thunderbolt? I bet they run pretty fast when the grease has a nice layer of ice. I may protest by not going to that park next season. And Janice Witherow did show some nice photos of Top Thrill Dragster, but why couldn’t she bring the ride itself down here for loyal ACE members to get a preview? I paid my mom’s hard-earned cash to ride coasters without worrying about the stupid GP. I did not pay my mom’s hard-earned cash to watch coaster honeymoon videos and find out what exciting fencepost-erecting Libertyland has planned.”
ACE representative Sandra Torkenstein claims, "these jerks have no business attending the Bash if they didn't read the fine print." With a heavy sigh and, pointing out a smudge at the bottom of the event application, she recited, "this is a non-coaster-riding event." Ms. Torkenstein removed her bottle-bottom glasses, folded the document on her lap, and continued, "we cannot understand why these morons are causing such a fluff. The flyers also clearly state the event will be held ‘rain or snow (blizzard) or shine.' Do these lowlife imbeciles actually believe we would endanger their lives with ERT during a blizzard?"
"That would have been totally awesome, dude!" one rambunctious lad stated as he passed the ARN&R interview table, where he overheard Torkenstein’s comments. Raising his hands to form the “Metal Sign” and sticking his tongue several inches out of his mouth, he added, “Extreeeeeeeemmmmmmeeeeee!”
[Correspondent’s Note: I, as an ARN&R reporter, was also miffed, as I had not been aware of the situation. I, too, came for the rides, but my application had been sent in by my editor, who requested I cover this lame-ass story. I now worry that I will be forced to attend this year's Nor'Easter 2003, the next ACE event, to be held March 8, at the Fierlit-Korzen American Legion Post 769 (Central Falls, RI).]
[Editor’s Note: All reporters employed by the ARN&R Breaking News Division are required to write whatever stories they are assigned. Some of these stories are more exciting than others. Certain reporters might find themselves receiving better assignments if they would quit scaring Jessica Alba and Kristen Kreuk out of the Absolutelyreliable Mansion’s hot tub with all that farting. Enjoy all the exciting onboard ride footage of the Quassy Little Dipper next week, buddy!]
Okay, so, if we'd actually looked at ORC for any length of time, we could definitively say that we did not win.
(Though last time we looked, we were in the lead. We're sensing a coverup. The Man is out to get us.)
Congratulations to Virtual Midway.
Okay, so apparently we posted the link to the poll roughly eight minutes before it switched over to a new poll. We might have won. We don't know.
ARN&R Nominated for Academy Award
Or Possibly OnRideCentral Site of the Year
Despite the Fact that It's March
Go vote for us. We really want to be on the pre-show with Joan and Melissa Rivers.
Friday, February 28, 2003
Edward Markey Committed To Lunatic Asylum
Representative Edward Markey (D-MA) was committed to a maximum-security mental health facility today after he ignored advice from his own panel to stop pushing for federal regulation of amusement parks in the United States.
The Brain Injury Association, a leading group of medical experts brought together by Markey to assess the alleged dangers of riding roller coasters, issued a major report that reaffirmed previous independent studies that claimed that the rides are actually totally safe and present no public health risk.
Said IAAPA (International Association of Amusement Parks and Attractions) President Clark Robinson, “all available science proves that parks and rides are safe. The American Association of Neurological Surgeons concluded that rides present no public health risk. The engineers of Exponent Failure Analysis demonstrated that g-forces of roller coasters are no greater than that of a sneeze or skipping rope. Former NASA astronauts have described comparisons of roller coasters to the space shuttle as ‘hogwash.’ The University of Pennsylvania found no health risk associated with the g-forces of roller coasters. And now the Brain Injury Association calls it ‘unlikely’ that a federal agency could match our impressive safety record. Politicians who claim otherwise fly in the face of hard science and common sense.”
Following Robinson’s statement, Markey immediately began sprinting naked through the streets of Washington, D.C., screaming, “I don’t care about those reports! Even if they are by experts and make complete sense! I will destroy all that is fun and safe in America! I’m insane, I’m insane, whoohoo I’m insane!” Markey continued his bizarre display by running frantically in circles, screaming obscenities in Sanskrit, and vigorously licking his own crotch. Markey was eventually dragged off by trained personnel from Our Lady of the Evening Special Home for the Really Confused. “It took seven of us armed with billy clubs and a Taser to get that lunatic in a straitjacket and in the van,” said a breathless and exhausted Conrad Hufflepuff.
Councilors representing the congressman inform ARN&R that Markey maintains that Ed Harris, a little girl, and several coaster designers continue to torment him several times per day in his rubber-lined quarters. ARN&R is unable to confirm whether Markey’s budding campaign to regulate the shuffleboarding industry will be derailed by his latest difficulties.
Thursday, February 27, 2003
ACE Government-In-Exile Proudly Defies Minions of Evil
The Executive Committee of the American Coaster Enthusiasts announced to its membership this week that it is intact and striving to serve worldwide coaster fans. This came as a welcome relief to many members of the club, who feared all office-holders and editors associated with the American Coaster Enthusiasts had fled the country in the wake of a massive governmental overthrow by renegade coaster lovers.
According to the ACE website, “ACE has been informed that its management company has decided to cease doing business at the end of January. ACE's Executive Committee has taken steps to ensure that this action will have minimal impact upon our members and is currently searching for a new management firm. However, the processing time for membership renewals and applications may be slightly higher than normal.” This disturbing announcement was alleged by ACE to be mere cover for a more sinister situation. Although most members of the group thought the organization had been consistently failing to respond to applications or deliver magazines in a timely fashion for no good damn reason, ACE's executive branch declared that, in reality, a brutal coup d’etat toppled the ACE government back in January.
From the ACE Temporary Headquarters, located in a tipped-over, rusting outhouse in eastern Kansas, leaders of the ACE Government-In-Exile issued a terse statement that “ACE will seek revenge upon those who have oppressed us and removed us from our home in lovely Overland Park. We will reclaim our offices, take back our primacy in coaster affairs, and start getting magazines and flyers out within two or three months of when they are alleged to be. Oh, and also, please note that ACE's office has a new, temporary address and fax number.”
The new temporary address for the American Coaster Enthusiasts is presented below as a public service announcement by ARN&R:
American Coaster Enthusiasts
Rusted Outhouse and Two Tents “Borrowed” From Super K-Mart
Right Behind Farmer Brown’s Briar Patch
No, Not Farmer Ezekiel Brown, It’s Actually Farmer Doogie Brown Just Down the Road a Pace
69 Bubba’s BBQ Boulevard
Kind of Near Overland Park, KS 66202
“American Coaster Enthusiasts unite!” yelled President Carole Sanderson from the middle of a muddy cornfield within vague sight of the former ACE headquarters. “We must take back what is ours! The ACE Government-In-Exile will destroy the shadowy puppet enthusiast junta which is currently running the organization in our stead!”
[Editor’s Note: A small but vocal minority of enthusiasts refuses to believe the ACE government was toppled by a coup and is valiantly leading a resistance movement against cruel overlords, despite well-researched information supporting it as fact. Gerald Gustafson’s comments are reflective of those from this group: “Government-in-Exile? Clearly, the ACE leadership just forgot to pay the frickin’ rent, and they got their asses thrown out on the street. Now we get to receive all our publications and renewals three years late instead of six months, and they try to pass it off as some sort of alleged revolution. Puh-leez.” While ARN&R does support freedom of speech and tries to present all opinions on a story, we must seriously bring into question the sanity of crazed conspiracy theorists such as Mr. Gustafson, and suggest our readers give minimal credence to their outlandish tales.]
Monday, February 24, 2003
Roller Coaster Tycoon Passes Masturbation As Favorite Enthusiast Leisure-Time Activity
Stunning news erupted from ACE News in its latest edition, as the magazine published its yearly survey of favorite leisure-time activities for enthusiasts left hanging by their inability to find any winter coaster riding. For the first time in the storied history of the American Coaster Enthusiasts, the top activity proved to be something besides masturbation. Roller Coaster Tycoon took the honors this season; although the popular game had been the second most popular activity three times, and third most popular once, it finally spurted its way to the top with the release of an all-new game edition last year.
“It’s about time Tycoon got first place,” stated Buster Hyman, 34. “Every enthusiast I know likes to bop the bologna or burp the one-eyed gecko once in a while…well, more like 5 or 6 times in a while…but most enthusiasts play nine or ten hours of RCT every day and waste another three hours mailing their creations to other enthusiasts. I bet not many enthusiasts spend more than two hours a day, tops, giving their weasels the Heimlich.”
Jack Meoff, 19, confirmed this analysis. “I stayed up for three days straight trying to win Whispering Cliffs, and then I slept through all my classes and got detention. So obviously Tycoon takes up more of my spare time than tenderizing the tube steak. I probably only worked the self service pump four or five times during that scenario, and half of them were just cause I got excited by the new pictures of Top Thrill Dragster I saw!”
Not all enthusiasts believe RCT coming out on top is correct, however. “This is obscene!” ejaculated Mike Hunt, 20. “How could Roller Coaster Tycoon take first prize? Every enthusiast I know badgers their witnesses way more than they play that silly game. Why, just yesterday, for instance, I worked on Big Pier for only about an hour, then worked on my Big Pier for twice that long. Don’t tell me there are actually any ACErs out there who actually enjoy figuring out charges for onride photos and fried chicken more than they like to make their pet llama spit. I don’t buy it!”
Medical experts support the evidence issued forth by the magazine survey. “For years, we’ve been seeing all sorts of repetitive-stress disorders amongst enthusiasts,” claims Michael Fittipaldi, a Syracuse-based doctor. “Carpal tunnel, tendonitis, RSS, knotted forearm muscles, palm paralysis…you name it. It’s nearly of epidemic proportions. However, there was a notable change this year in one aspect of these all-too-common injuries. Normally, all the weak elbows and cramped wrists are accompanied by calloused palms, but this year we have noted a distinct shift toward damaged skin and bone right at the base of the index fingers, an injury more consistent with excessive mouse clicking than with warming up the altar boy’s lunch. I feel it’s quite likely that Roller Coaster Tycoon has really passed shuckin’ the sweet corn as the top winter activity of enthusiasts.”
The full list of prize winners from the survey of the ACE News top enthusiast leisure activities is as follows: 1) Roller Coaster Tycoon; 2) Masturbation; 3) Sleeping all day; 4) Reading coaster rumor pages; 5) Calling random parks to demand mid-February ERT.
Sunday, February 23, 2003
President Bush Denounces Great Britain
President George W. Bush denounced Great Britain today, claiming it was a “refugee of terrorist people who had weapons of mass production.” This news comes as a mild surprise to much of the planet, as Great Britain appeared to be America’s only major supporter of the coming war with Iraq. The President had already alienated one potential ally recently when he chose to taunt the French for inferior roller coasters.
“My faithful subjects and minions,” Bush stated. “We have learned of a new threat to our borders, that which are needed for our defending. The state of Great Britain is harboring nukyularness and dangerous things, and we must force a regime change, incarcinate those responsible, and hopefully drop some bombs that make all those cool explosions. Things blowing up is neat.”
Bush then weighed in with his evidence against Great Britain. “Great Britain possesses a theme park called Alton Towers, and at the park is a ride called Submission. My advisors have told to me that ‘submission’ is a loose translation of the meaning of the word ‘Islam.’ Clearly, the United Kingdom has affiliated itself with an unholy affiliation of Islammites who endanger our nation, that is the United States. We will give the country exactly one day to tear this ride down, or we will consider England to be in that Axel of Evil thing, and then we’ll have to invade.”
Bush concluded his speech by banging two G.I. Joe dolls together and making moist explosion sounds with his mouth.
British Prime Minister Tony Blair was quick to react. “This is bloody intolerable. Whilst we hope to remain allies with the United States, we will protect our interests, including our interest in getting flipped around in the air to the point of violent physical illness by a well-themed Chance Inverter. My advisors and I have unfortunately come to the conclusion that Mr. Bush has been riding a few too many Vekoma rides lately, and we are not certain he can any longer be entrusted with the leadership of his country.”
By the way, in case you're really not too sharp, this is satire.
Our favorite review: "as a joke it [ARN&R] wasn't that funny. all of my family take parks very seriuslyand all thow we laffed after time we were apoled by the joke."
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