Video Rentals Causing Relationship Problems

Last night, Amanda Ross decided to get back at her boyfriend, Rob Helton, sources close to the couple report. Ross has, according to these sources, "gotten totally sick of the stupid movies Rob brings home and makes [Ross] watch all the time, just because they have roller coasters in them somewhere."

"I've reached the breaking point," Ross told ARN&R in an exclusive interview. "It started off with me being a dutiful girlfriend and trying to humor him. He was whining and bitching constantly for the last few months about how he couldn't ride any coasters, and he could only read ARN&R so many times per day without getting bored. So I suggested that we rent some videos that had roller coasters in them every week, and that way we could both spend time together, and he could see some roller coasters in action and be less grumpy all the time. I thought it was a pretty nice thing to do, since I can't stand roller coasters, but my little plan backfired. I probably should have just kicked him out of the apartment instead."

Ross went on to reveal the details of her disastrous attempt to coddle a lifelong coaster junkie. "I was even nice enough to let him pick the flicks out," she said. "Then, to my horror, I was subjected to a never-ending stream of garbage movies. First, we had to watch that horrid House on Haunted Hill, which had some neat footage of the Hulk roller coaster and tons of brain-crushingly stupid dialogue and bad special effects. Then Rob tormented me with Night at the Roxbury. Rob loved it because it had a brief shot of that dumb coaster on a pier in California. I was more concerned with the fact that I was cranially assaulted by one of the least funny movies ever made, as well as by the highly unattractive asses of Chris Katann and Will Ferrell. I also had the immense pleasure of sitting through the Sting II and some breathtaking movie involving a gorilla hopping around on a wooden roller coaster while being shot at. King Kong Gets a Woodie, or something. I forget the actual name."

The final straw, according to Ross, was with Helton's most recent choice of cinematic exploration. "I officially couldn't take it anymore after last night," she stated. "I was waffling about allowing this movie-watching to continue, but the bastard tricked me. He said he'd get a really artsy-fartsy flick instead of the Hollywood trash he'd been bringing home. He told me he knew of this little Sundance-type independent art film called The Center of the World, which featured two people exploring the nature of power and their inability to communicate functionally in today's society. Being an idiot, I caved and let him rent it. Well, for those of you out there who were not aware of this, let me be the first to tell you: The Center of the World has five minutes of Manhatten Express footage, and the rest of the movie consists entirely of Molly Parker getting f*%$*ed by a hairy guy."

Ross paused for a moment, then added, "oh wait, I forgot something. Sorry. Forgive me for not mentioning the five minutes where Molly Parker does that thing with the hot sauce and the ice cube to the hairy guy's butt. I stand corrected."

Sources tell ARN&R that Ross has devious plans for revenge against her boyfriend. According to witnesses, Ross told Helton that she would only watch coaster movies with him if she could pick them out, a statement to which he reluctantly agreed. ARN&R undercover reporters spotted Ross leaving the video store with copies of The Lost Boys and Titanic today.

"That's one brutal vendetta the young lady's got," said one bystander. "I'd hate to be him tonight."

--JCK

Posted at 1:35 PM | Link | 0 comment(s)

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Six Flags over Texas to open "The Switch"
Newly Themed Ride Will Open Mid-Summer in Dallas Park

In a press release issued today, Six Flags over Texas announced that its Mr. Freeze roller coaster will be closed until the summer so new theming can be added. The press release read, "Due to the rise in the number of executions in Texas the state turned to a marketing partner to share the expense." The park and the state have joined forces to mutually benefit from the LIM (linear induction motors) found on the launched coaster. The electromagnets will soon be used to do much more than just propel a coaster. Prisoners will be electrocuted at one end of the station while a trainload of screaming riders is launched out the other. The new theme evokes comparisons to Six Flags New England's Halloween event, "Kill a Guy." Six Flags sources indicate that the actual death of a human being proved to be so popular last fall that the company wished to find a way to expand it to a year-round event.

Spokesman Gregg Murray was excited about the joint venture. "Traditionally museums, zoos and aquariums have been the only venues that could provide 'edutainment' options. Now kids can learn that crime doesn't pay and enjoying a thrilling ride at the same time," he said. Department of Corrections Chairman Todd Livingston agreed. "With the sheer volume of people we are killing each year we just could not afford to waste all of this electricity. George W. Bush set quite a precedent and his successor has had a hard time keeping pace. Add in the fact that our 300th execution recently got pushed back because of some legal snafu and you can see the governor is working hard to keep those bodies smoking."

Amnesty International officials thought of sarcastically suggesting that the company add a set of gallows next to the Cliff Hanger freefall ride, but then realized Six Flags might carry out that plan too.

The new theming has led to several unique partnership-marketing opportunities. General Electric will be the ride's overall sponsor, while Mr. Clean and the Texas Bristle broom company were chosen as the chamber's official cleaning supplies.

In addition to the electric chair and execution chamber the park has added some extra soda machines charging $5 per-drink. Murray said, "It is going to be hot in that tunnel, especially when the juice gets flowing. We thought that this would be an easy way to raise our beverage per-caps. In addition, our art department created some clever theming depicting different ways Texas has killed people throughout the years. It really is quite heartwarming and will teach people that they should not, in fact, mess with Texas."

When asked if he was worried the new ride might not "fit" the park because of its unusual theming, Murray just laughed. "We have Bugs Bunny next to Batman next to the Confederacy. Accuracy really isn't foremost on our minds."

The Switch will thrill riders in mid-June and 12 executions are already planned for opening day. Park officials assured reporters that there will be "a lot of fireworks" to celebrate the ride's re-opening.

Posted at 8:46 AM | Link | 0 comment(s)

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Monday, March 24, 2003

 

Enthusiasts File Suit Against Academy

In a late and shocking move, a splinter group of the American Coaster Enthusiasts filed suit today against the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences for a recent rule change in the judging of Academy Awards. The lawsuit, filed in federal district court in Los Angeles, seeks unspecified monetary damages as well as a court order requiring a new election for the recent Oscars.

"The fascists running the Academy Awards changed the rules this year to exclude any on-ride footage," stated enthusiast and attorney Joe Aldridge, representing the group. "This rule is enforced whether or not the video was obtained legitimately, and means that the Oscar voters were prevented from voting for dozens of high-quality videos produced for upwards of fifteen dollars, simply because they contained on-ride footage. It's an outrage."

Aldridge said that his clients were particularly outraged that Robb Alvey's well-known videos were not eligible for Oscar consideration. "You can bet that if Miramax was the distributor, instead of, um, Robb sitting in his garage, that rule would be changed in a second. But instead, the people of America are forced to believe that the best movies of the past year were made with things like plot, and writing, and acting, and stupid things like that. It's ridiculous. Have you seen his 2002 season video? It's awesome! I don't want to get too detailed, but that video from Puyallup Fair made me want to pull something else up, know what I mean?" Aldridge then giggled for a full thirty seconds.

Frank Pierson, president of AMPAS, told ARN&R that he was still sleeping off the Vanity Fair after-party and to go to hell.

Posted at 9:30 PM | Link | 0 comment(s)

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Absolutelyreliable.com Sweeps First Annual AbsolutelyReliable Awards

Entertainment experts were shocked last night, as the upstart AbsolutelyReliable blog made a stunning sweep of every single award handed out at the prestigious First Annual AbsolutelyReliable Awards. Although considered by many pundits to be a dark horse possibility in some categories, ARN&R received no predictions of such a dramatic victory.

The ceremony was lauded by E! Television’s Jules Asner as “a welcome balm for our troubled nation.” As opposed to the Oscar ceremony held on the same night, nominees for AbsolutelyReliable Awards were feted with limousines, red carpet arrivals, and throngs of adoring fans. Vicious gorgon Joan Rivers and her gruesome she-devil banshee daughter Melissa, thwarted by the low-key Oscar telecast, graced the AbsolutelyReliable Runway to offer their assessment of the fashion sense exhibited by the nominees.

“Pitiful,” lamented the elder Rivers harpy to the younger, upon seeing nominee JCK exiting the limo with Jessica Alba in tow. “That tuxedo looks like a desperately starving freelance musician lived in it for 10 years. He’s actually giving me fond memories of Bjork, he looks so vomitous.” Rivers then made a gagging sound and pantomimed sticking her finger down her throat.

The unrivaled success of ARN&R began with the site claiming the very first award, Best Ongoing Flame War With Imbeciles on Forum Websites, the last, for Best Writing Staff Ever On a Website, and each and every other award in between.

Major prizes included ARN&R itself for Best Fake Rumor Site Ever, Best Overall Website Anywhere, and Best Site for Perplexing Those With Low I.Q. Scores. The website’s shop won Best Online Ye Olde Shoppe, as well. The Editor in Chief took home numerous prizes, including Best Webmaster, Best Editor in Chief, Best Article Involving Decapitation, and the S&S Power Special Little Bag O’ Fun Prize.

Other writers brought home shiny new toys, as well. JCK was lauded for Best Use of the Outmoded Exclamation ‘Pshaw,’ as well as a Special Independent Spirit Award for Creating a Long Article for the Express Purpose of Listing Lots of Euphemisms for Jacking Off. RAS took home the Best Article Involving Unspeakable Things Happening to Alpengeist Seats and another writer won for Best Mockery of that Paul Ruben Guy. The remainder of the writing team was collectively rewarded with the "Golden Wig, Big Glasses, Rubber Noses, and Running Shoes In Order to Escape Pissed Off, Rabid Enthusiasts Who Hate This Website" Medallion.

“There’s something really fishy about this awards ceremony,” said Asner. “I just can’t put my finger on it right now…”

--JCK

[Editor’s Note: ARN&R may have swept the classic and respected Absolutelyreliable Awards, but we still need your help to garner us victory in the Coasterbuzz Site of the Year Poll. So please go cast your vote for us before March 28. Or perhaps you could cast several votes. That would be all the merrier.]

Posted at 3:32 AM | Link | 0 comment(s)

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Sunday, March 23, 2003

 

Park Enthusiasts Participate in Peace Rally

A rare sight was viewed today by the citizens of Boston, as park enthusiasts Gary Baker, 46, and Randolph Purvis, 33, were seen attending an peace rally near Cambridge. Many societal experts believed such a scene was impossible, stating that “these coaster lovers and ride aficionados basically never seem to notice anything going on in the world beside who is building what ride for the next season.”

Baker and Purvis were seen marching for much of the afternoon amongst a large group of protestors, many of whom carried signs reading “Support Our Troops By Bringing Them Home” and “Impeach Bush.” Counter-protestors across the street waved American flags and held up signs supporting the U.S. President.

“Hey, wait a minute,” Baker was overheard to say, after standing amid the protestors for approximately three hours. “Why do these people keep talking about some place called Iraq? Is something going on there? I thought we were coming to protest the developers that forced Whalom Park to shut down.”

Added Purvis, “This is a total crock. Iraq doesn’t even have any coasters. What the hell are these people yelling about? I’m going home and have my mom make me a grilled cheese sandwich.”

“We thought it was a little weird that these two scruffy-looking middle-aged dudes were marching with us wearing ‘F&*% Gerstlauer’ T-shirts,” said protestor Annette Li, 21. “They didn’t seem to be aware of major international figures like George Bush and Saddam Hussein, but, then again, they were yelling about how huge corporations were destroying the world, so we thought there could be a slight chance that they were at the protest they thought they were. I guess we were wrong, though. And they mainly seemed mad that we weren’t offering any ERT after the march, whatever that is.”


--JCK

Posted at 11:46 PM | Link | 0 comment(s)

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