Still here. But mostly in 140 characters.
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Saturday, April 12, 2003
 
Absolutely Reliable High on Americans' List of Worst Enemies

Recently, many major network television news showed the results of a nationwide poll where Americans were asked to give their opinions on who our country's greatest enemies and friends were. Not surprisingly, the "enemies" list was headed by Iraq and North Korea, while the "friends" category was dominated by Great Britain and Canada, though many of the voters later confessed they thought Canada was actually the 50th state, as opposed to an actual functioning country of its own. What was surprising about the poll were the results after the obvious first two answers in the "enemies" list. This morning, Fox News released the entire poll, and ARN&R was shocked and dismayed to find itself at #4.

"Well, this is a little disconcerting," stated the Editor in Chief. "To think our little quasi-amusing amusement industry satire blog would inspire this kind of revulsion among the inhabitants of our great and mighty nation is most puzzling and disheartening. I mean, at least Iraq and North Korea beat us out. But we barely finished behind France, and most Americans think those people are Satan's Prison Bitches, right? And in this poll, we somehow clobbered Iran, Afghanistan, Syria, and even the Kilrathi Homeworld. Maybe we should reconsider having a site devoted entirely to stories about nice, fluffy bunny rabbits. And not the ones used as crotch pads by S&S, either."

The Editor in Chief then added, under his breath, "this is all that bastard JCK's fault, I just know it."

Coaster enthusiasts are reported to be jubilant. "This is great," said Jim Williams, 25. "That website is always taking the piss out of amusement parks and coaster lovers, and that's just wrong and un-American. I feel sure they are minions of the Antichrist, and therefore much worse enemies to our freedom-gorging nation that I love so dearly. I wish they were first on the list, but maybe there are some people who aren't aware of how filthy and disgusting this piece of crap site is. I'm sure if every American read this blasphemous crockery of the Devil, they would think it's far more insidious than world war. Maybe even...I know it's hard to think it's possible...but, even worse than France!"

--JCK

Posted at 2:36 PM | Link | 0 comment(s)

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Friday, April 11, 2003
 
Raging Wolf Bobs to be Even More Incredible

Excited enthusiasts were restrained today from storming the gates of Six Flags Worlds of Adventure, immediately following an announcement by the park that Raging Wolf Bobs would be receiving Gerstlauer trains for the next season. Park security was unprepared for the deluge of rabid Gerstlauer fans, reputed to be in excess of 1000 (people, not average raw tonnage), and was forced to summon the National Guard. Although the throng of devoted Gerstlauer fans managed to damage the main gates and entry plaza, the Guardsmen quickly subdued them with a hail of rubber bullets and C2 grenades, as well as knight sticks and elephant tranquilizer guns.

"We are upset by this violent turn of events," stated Gary Biacovsky, manager of the park. "Still, we are pleased by the outpouring of support for our policy of improving this classic woodie and making it all the more scrumptious. We encourage all these rioting heathen to return with their families in order to experience the wonder and majesty of Raging Wolf Bobs with the finest steel and hard fiberglass coaster cars ever created!"

"We were in rapture," stated Matt Bessemer, an Ohio enthusiast, from the prison holding cell where he had just been successfully anally violated by a large thug named "Ben Dover." "We just got kind of carried away and started attacking the guards who wouldn't let us ride Raging Wolf Bobs right then and there. I mean, can you imagine what it's going to be like? Raging Wolf Bobs, the legendary Summers and Dinn creation with such smooth track, incredible speed, bountiful airtime, and no shuffling and banging whatsoever, combined with the most sublime granite-encased rolling stock on the planet? The new incarnation of this ride is sure to kick the ass off of Shivering Timbers and Tremors in Mitch Hawker's next poll!"

In related news, SFWOA said it was pondering buying some used Morgan cars for use on Villain, in the hopes of making it all the tastier, as well.

--JCK


Posted at 9:58 PM | Link | 0 comment(s)

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Thursday, April 10, 2003
 
Fun With Search Engines

Yes, indeed, we got not one but two visitors recently searching for "Jessica Alba belching." Thanks, Google! Glad to be number two on that list!

And to those of you who came here looking for Denise Richards scratching herself, Heather Graham farting, or Cameron Diaz treating head lice, we say: Welcome! We make fun of the amusement industry and coaster enthusiasts! We're sure this is just exactly what you were looking for!

Posted at 9:41 PM | Link | 0 comment(s)

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Wednesday, April 09, 2003
 
Exclusive Breaking News -- Update

Over two months ago, ARN&R broke the news that Cedar Point's new coaster would not be what the park had announced (a laughably short and uneventful fifteen-second ride). Since the park is continuing to claim that the ride will simply be launch, up, down, brakes, we feel it necessary to remind you again that ARN&R can exclusvely confirm that this picture is what will, in fact, appear when the park opens, confirming what the best-informed people said earlier in the fall.

And in case you forgot: Jeeper's in Olathe, Kansas, is still slated to get the next B&M flying coaster.

Bank on it.

Posted at 7:30 AM | Link | 0 comment(s)

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Area Man Doesn't Understand Why Co-Workers Don't Like to Discuss Coasters

Todd Simmons, 29, an associate regional manager at local manufacturer DynaAcmeCorp, can't figure out why his co-workers don't like hearing about his coaster trips. "I go somewhere almost every weekend," he said. "I would think that they would appreciate my insight into the non-essential trim brakes on Alpengeist or an in-depth analysis comparing GCI and CCI's track work. But they tend to start fidgeting almost immediately and claiming to have a lot of work to do."

"That guy just won't shut the hell up!" said Steve Pritchard, who has the cubicle next to Simmons. "Everyday its Millennium Force this, Superman Ride of Steel that. That guy just needs to keep it to himself."

Lars Jankowski, the company's I.T. manager, agreed. "It's great that this guy likes what he does, but come on, no one here gives a shit. Todd seems to think that I care about why X is the future of coasters. The truth is, I don't. I used to be indifferent to amusement parks and now I downright hate them --- and it's all because of Todd."

During an afternoon break three office interns had to be "rescued" from Simmons when he had them cornered in the break room talking about the "inherent smoothness" of B&M roller coasters. One threatened to quit the company, but the area manager promised them that they no longer have to talk with Simmons on a regular basis.

When asked what would help office morale, Pritchard said simply, "That guy needs to get laid."

--FMB

Posted at 7:22 AM | Link | 0 comment(s)

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Tuesday, April 08, 2003
 
Busch Gardens to Close France

Following the lead of Congress's cafeteria, which recently renamed French fries "Freedom Fries," Busch Gardens Williamsburg announced today it would be closing the French section of their park.

"We can’t risk customers coming to our park and becoming uncomfortable or alienated with their surroundings," stated park spokeswoman Lillary Hutchinson, "Keeping France open would be hypocritical, at least. We will be removing France from park maps and all signage. We will offer no French souvenirs, trinkets or doo-dads. Wines and cheeses will be dumped into the Rhine River. In fact, nowhere in the park will the ‘F’ word be spoken. And all the F‘n Cast Members will be terminated."

The French Quarter of Canada will remain, however. "We cannot blame Canada for their past engagements with the ‘F’ country," continued Hutchinson, "The Quarter will now be known as the ‘Freedom Quarter‘, or ‘F/Q’ for short."

Several alternative European countries have been discussed as replacements: "We tossed around Great Britain, Italy, Germany and Greece," touted Ms. Hutchinson, "until we realized we already had those. We might as well go for Denmark, although there always seems to be something rotten there and we may not want that."

Destruction of the buildings has already begun. Cobblestone avenues have been torn up. Bisque dolls have been placed on the various coasters without safety restraints. Fine crystal ware has been smashed, melted down and made into tacky British ashtrays. "We now have the space for a truly good attraction and promise to have something thrown together by Memorial Day," continued Ms. Hutchinson. "After all, our ultimate goal is to make money...er...I mean, to have our guests leaving the park with the feeling they actually may want to return."

--RAS

Posted at 9:27 AM | Link | 0 comment(s)

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Monday, April 07, 2003
 
Enthusiast Shocks Friends With Obscure Knowledge Unrelated to Coasters

Baltimore enthusiast Elroy Carr, 50, has been pleasantly shocking his friends recently with his surprising knowledge of events totally unrelated to roller coasters, sources tell ARN&R. Carr has, like most roller coaster aficionados, been infamous for boring family members and non-coaster-loving acquaintances with descriptions of favorite rides, parks, and ARN&R articles for a substantial percentage of the last few years. However, these friends of Carr's claim that the enthusiast has suddenly changed his tune this week.

"All Elroy ever talks about is how much Six Flags wipes his ass," said Leon Bartlett, 46. "But then, this week, it was like something came over him and made him a new man. He told some of us at lunch about how there was going to be a new moon throughout the Midwest on the last weekend in May, and then he went on to tell us interesting facts about obscure Indiana towns."

Bartlett added, "like, I never knew that the Indiana Baseball Hall of Fame was in Jasper, or that Tell City has fast food establishments of nearly every imaginable type, but for some reason doesn't have a Burger King. It was pretty weird that Elroy knew these bizarre facts, and I'm not sure where he'd heard all this stuff, but I'll take weird over Swiss coaster design firms any time."

"Usually, I can't get Elroy to tell me anything except about the coaster trips he takes all over with this pal of his," stated Linda Murai, 47. "But then, out of the blue yesterday, he explained Indiana time to me in intricate detail. I'd always wondered what was up with those people, but I could never figure it out. Elroy said that most of the state was on Eastern Time all year, but that they did not follow Daylight Savings Time, effectively making them seem like Central Time Zone for the summer. Exceptions are a few counties near Chicago and Evanston, which are on Central Time and also follow Daylight Savings, and a few very eastern counties that are on Eatern Standard, but do follow Daylight Savings."

Murai added that "Elroy has taken a load off my mind with this intriguing discussion about something not remotely affiliated with coasters."

Dean Fetter, 61, was particularly impressed with Carr's recent interest in nineteenth-century American literature. "Normally, Elroy seems to just read travel guides and coffee-table books with big color photos of roller coasters. But he's spent the last several days reading the works of Edgar Allen Poe and Washington Irving. He seemed particularly obsessed with the poem "The Raven" and a story called "The Legend of Sleepy Hollow." He talked about those works for literally hours the other night. He also told me he'd been listening to lots of music, especially Symphonie Fantastique by Berlioz, Night on Bald Mountain by Mussorgsky, and the theme from Halloween. I'm very proud. If this is Elroy's Evil Clone, I don't want the Good Elroy back!"

However, there are those who speculate more sinister motives from Carr, ones unrelated to a seeming desire for the coaster fan to expand his horizons. Says Burl Weiss, 65, "I'm deeply suspicious of all this purported knowledge and brain activity. Sure, Elroy's taken an interest in Poe and Irving. But if he knows so much about American literature, why hadn't he even heard of The Scarlet Letter, Moby Dick, or Catcher in the Rye? As for the music, I know for a fact that all he ever listens to are "Love Rollercoaster" and "Down at Palisades Park," so this sudden intimate awareness of Berlioz is pretty creepy.

Weiss also went on to declare the following: "It's pretty odd that Elroy would know so much about these tiny Indiana towns, but not anywhere else. For instance, I can't figure out why he'd know or have any concern with a state baseball museum when he failed, upon direct questioning, to remember that the professional baseball team in his own town is named "The Orioles," or that Babe Ruth, Hank Aaron, and Jackie Robinson were baseball players. He thought all three of those guys worked for Arrow! I don't know what's going on here, but I do know that I'm going to be watching my damn back around this freak from now on."

{Editor's Note: Due to space restrictions, ARN&R was unable to print an exquisite article about how excited enthusiasts are gearing up for their yearly pilgrimage to Holiday World's Stark Raven Mad event. We deeply regret this inconvenience.]

--JCK

Posted at 3:32 PM | Link | 0 comment(s)

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Family Schedules First Enthusiast Intervention

Tommy Wadley, 33, recently walked into what he thought was a winter gathering of fellow "coaster buds" to find that his family had put together an intervention. Decked out in an Alpengeist t-shirt and Six Flags St. Louis biker shorts with the slogan "Have YOU done the Boss?" adorning his crotch Wadley thought he was in for an afternoon of the movie "Rollercoaster" followed by the entire "America's Greatest" video series. "For some reason my parents felt that I needed a lifestyle alteration, but how can I alter anything when coasters are my life?!" he said.

"We felt it was time for a change," said Tommy's father Chip. "Its okay to have a hobby, but this was ridiculous. He spends every weekend at a park, works at a video store and hasn't accomplished anything in life. Well, I guess if you consider riding Shivering Timbers 100 times in a day an accomplishment, then, yes, he has done something of note."

Gloria, Tommy's mother, agreed. "We just don't understand why he can't balance his coaster fun with a life. The problem right now is that he doesn't have a life to balance the hobby with."

Tommy was shocked that the family felt a need to hire counselor Tom Hutchison. "I think that my life is well-rounded now. I eat at McDonalds and Checkers, chat online with friends about the Cedar Point & Magic Mountain coaster war and pleasure myself to 'Amusement Today' when I get horny. I know a lot of people are jealous of my vagabond lifestyle, but I think of myself more as a Renaissance Man, uniting everyone. And I live in my parents' basement as a way to help them out!"

The counselor, Hutchison, who ordinarily works with multiple-year heroin addicts, was amazed that someone could get so wrapped up in a hobby. "I have seen lots of people that have some sort of dissociative disorder or regressive social skills, but this guy takes the cake. Usually some people take time out for kids, friends, baths, and the like, but this guy has a one-track mind. In my professional opinion it is kind of, well, pathetic."

Gloria and Chip were rather dismayed at the intervention's outcome. "We had hoped he might shift some of his priorities around, but he just seems more intent than ever to ride. We are going to make it a little harder for him by choosing to stop paying his grocery and AOL bills. I guess it is time for Tommy to grow up."

"I really don't think anything was accomplished," said Wadley. "I am still going to up the ole' coaster count and be the king of the annual ACE eating contest at Coaster Con. There's no slowing me down!"

Posted at 8:55 AM | Link | 0 comment(s)

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Sunday, April 06, 2003
 
Six Flags St. Louis Admits: Boss Causes Pain

Debate has raged at Six Flags St. Louis since the opening of The Boss, a CCI wood terrain coaster, several years ago. While the ride has its devoted fans, many others have expressed the opinion that it is astoundingly painful due to the Gerstlauer trains it uses. ARN&R has it on good authority that Gerstlauer trains are under consideration for being banned at the next Geneva Convention.

Six Flags St. Louis officially put to rest the argument over the punishment doled out by The Boss recently on its website. As readers can see, the coaster has a description and stat sheet on the site; at the bottom, Custom Coasters is listed as the "manufracture" of The Boss. ARN&R applauds SFSTL for its honesty, though we challenge the park to provide splints, casts, and titanium rods for damaged passengers of the ride in the future.

--JCK

Posted at 12:47 AM | Link | 0 comment(s)

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