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Saturday, May 17, 2003
Canobie Lake Debuts New Rides That Decapitate and Sodomize Riders, Says Boston Globe
The feud between the small amusement park Canobie Lake and that paragon of virtuous and factual reporting, the Boston Globe, heated up this week as a rabid article in the deeply respected publication claimed that the park’s new rides are causing extensive problems.
The new rides in question are DaVinci’s Dream, a full-size Wave Swinger, and Alpine Swing, a kid-sized version. Many park enthusiasts and the general public were surprised by the Globe’s canny reporting of the difficulties these rides are having, as they are normally considered quite safe. Citing “really secret sources we paid lots of money to so they would help us sell papers with a titillating story about non-existent amusement park dangers,” the Globe made the bold charge that the new rides had caused the decapitation of twenty-three riders already this year. Even more alarmingly, the Globe noted that sixteen riders were violently sodomized by the Dream. “That ride is a veritable priest,” noted the Globe.
Additionally, the Boston Globe reported on the major effort being undertaken by communities near Canobie Lake to silence these rides. “These contraptions are an outrage,” a gentleman by the name of Billy Bob Gosford-Biakabatuka is alleged to have said. “All that noise keeps my kids up. I bet they don’t have a permit. Also, that coaster they have felt me up behind the tool shed once. Canobie Lake is out of control.” Unfortunately, ARN&R could not verify the veracity of this quote in the Globe, as we could not locate anyone named Billy Bob Gosford-Biakabatuka in the entire country, let alone New Hampshire. We also could not find the two people in the article, named Helmet Srinivasen-Kemper and Mateusz Juergensen-Westfeldt, who both alleged noise and construction limits violations by Canobie Lake. ARN&R will vigilantly strive to find these individuals for confirmation of this breaking Boston Globe expose.
This week, the Boston Globe also broke such exciting factual and well-researched news as the following: Smokeless tobacco is actually good for combating tooth decay in children under the age of eight, Sinead O’Conner will be elected as the next Pope, the nation of Liechtenstein is a rogue nuclear state that must be destroyed, and Sofia Coppola’s acting blew Pacino off the screen in The Godfather Part III.
[Ed. Note: Canobie Lake's ride should not be confused with "The Head Remover," Old Oklahoma's still-running coaster that continues to decaptitate virtually every rider other than midgets. IAAPA's position remains that all such decaptitations are clearly due to rider error.]
Friday, May 16, 2003
Experts Concur: Hersheypark Still Using That F&%#ing Creed Song For Lightning Racer
Leading music and good taste experts have concluded this week that Hersheypark is still using that f&%#ing Creed song on the speakers around Lightning Racer. According to the National Association of Decent as Opposed to Utterly Worthless Music (NAD-OUWM), “we have ascertained after extensive study, with great distress, that Hersheypark is indeed still using that f&$%ing Creed song ‘Higher’ all day long.
The group has only just released its study, according to spokeswoman Laura Koning, because “we had to be absolutely certain that the park was committing an affront to good taste this horrific before going public.” NAD-OUWM officials spent most of last weekend gathering data through sound samples, personnel and patron interviews, and extensive laboratory analysis. Brave and daring members of the team even approached the actual monitors in the Lightning Racer queue line while dressed in full biological hazard gear to drop a special microphone near the speakers. The microphone used was a specially constructed one that can withstand the unbelievable lameness of poseur rock and roll outfits from Florida.
“We’ve processed the data all week,” said Koning. “Note how 85% of all patrons are either holding their ears, running away from this coaster, or yelling ‘this music sucks!'” And here, on this sound sample, you can clearly hear Scott Stapp’s pathetic moanings that vainly try to rip off Eddie Vedder, as well as a childishly simple drum line and no more than three chords in the bass and guitar. Also, note the bland lyrics, tepid performance, and shameless overprocessing of the recording. We have no choice to conclude that, yes indeed, Lightning Racer is still playing that stupid f%&$ing Creed song.”
Wednesday, May 14, 2003
Enthusiast Arrested in Amish Country
Ohio-area coaster enthusiast John DiLello was arrested on Tuesday in the Amish area of Pennsylvania Dutch country for harassment. According to police reports exclusively obtained by ARN&R, DiLello repeatedly attempted to get the "inside scoop" on what construction was likely to come in coming years to the area.
"Initially, he was just asking the clerks at the furniture stores for 'track sightings,' whatever that might be, and that didn't really cause too much trouble," said local police chief Bob Morgan. "But then he was really harassing some of the Amish people, repeatedly calling them 'cast members' and complimenting them on 'staying in character' while also demanding that they tell him 'B&M or Intamin.' God only knows what that means."
DiLello was also reported to be seeking ERT on the buggy ride and early admission to what he called "that dark ride," which local residents call "the one-room schoolhouse."
The arrest occurred when DiLello was found forcibly removing the traditional headwear from Amish teenagers, yelling, "You're just as bad as the Dippin' Dots guy! Fess up! It's gonna be a giant Intamin impulse!"
DiLello, reached for comment, said only that he found it "really weird that they themed a whole park after that Witness movie. And I never found a single coaster."
Valleyfair Spokeswoman Claims Steel Venom “Blows”
In an era where parks are infamous for their hyperbole and, sometimes, outright lies about the thrill level and functionality of new coasters, it was refreshing to see brutal honesty being delivered by a major management figure for once. Yesterday, Valleyfair spokeswoman Amy Maikkula disparaged the park’s splashy, but broken, new Steel Venom, an Intamin Impulse Coaster.
“Something blew,” Maikkula told reporters without a shred of hesitation, after calling a press conference to announce that the Steel Venom would not be opening as anticipated due to major technical problems. “I’m not sure what it was that blew, but I’m pretty sure the maintenance crew must blow pretty bad, at least. After all, they screwed up and something broke. Also, Cedar Fair blew for buying us this dumb thing that just goes back and forth a bunch of times, when other Cedar Fair parks have gotten stuff like Millennium Force, Ghostrider, and Talon in recent years. And you reporters blow big time for discussing this in the papers and on TV, so we’ll probably lose business from the throngs of patrons that would have come to ride this coaster. Actually, they blow, too. Most of them don’t bathe enough, and they ask really stupid questions.”
Maikkula went on to say that "it's frustrating. It's been tested extensively. I've ridden it myself about 20 times. Of course, as I keep telling everyone, it pretty much blew. It blew something fierce, to be honest."
Signs telling patrons that the coaster was closed were posted at the park's entrance, and "everybody's been really nice about it." Maikkula said. “For instance, one guy told me to ‘shove Steel Venom where the sun don’t shine.’ That’s a nice thought, to worry about the paint fading because the ride’s right out in the hot sun, although it’s really a bit impractical since we can’t move it. And lots of people said this park is ‘really, really bad.’ We all know that ‘bad’ actually means ‘good’ to these hip youngsters, so we can tell they like our other rides quite a bit. And there was the nice young lady who told me ‘up yours;’ certainly we’re glad she’ll be so excited to zoom ‘up ours’ when it finally opens and she gets to come and hand over her full admission a second time!”
Tuesday, May 13, 2003
Disney Announces "Yeti Mountain"
Disney's Animal Kingdom stated in a press release this past weekend that it is pleased to announce its first major thrill ride. In an effort to bring a little more excitement to a park with 6 attractions, including as many as one or two that don’t suck worse than anything you can possibly imagine, it has been announced that Vekoma, a Dutch coaster manufacturer known worldwide for its three despicable coaster designs, has been contracted to build the Animal Kingdom’s new e-ticket attraction.
The riders' journey will begin as they step into the heavily themed queue area. "We felt that theming is very important, even while the guests are waiting in line,” said a Disney spokesperson. "And that is why we've extended the theming beyond just the ride itself. The
extensive network of back and forth switchbacks will give the riders the feeling that they really are waiting in line for a train." Following the “literally hours of amusing switchback negotiation,” they will be ushered into a room and divided into groups of four to watch a "preshow" on the televisions mounted above the doors through which they will enter. This preshow will fully explain the legend of the yeti, as well as the safety procedures to be followed once riders are in the train. Attractive female guests may or may not be crudely groped at this point by nasty teenage ACE members.
ARN&R was made privy to a Disney management synopsis of the thrilling new attraction. According to the materials, “riders will enter the train station where they will prepare to set out to find the rare and elusive Yeti. It has been found in studies that the safest way to travel in a train is facing backwards, so in keeping with the realistic theming of this ride, this journey will be no exception.” The "train" that the riders will take their journey in will actually be contracted out and built by a Utah-based company, S&S/Arrow. It will feature such comforts as molded plastic bucket seats, padded over the shoulder restraints with extra large semi-circular hand grips, and the standard ball peen hammer that sharply whacks riders on the head every few seconds.
The Disney materials continue by stating the following: “And the journey begins...as the train ascends backwards up the mountain, riders marvel at the scenery as they pass waterfalls and bamboo fields. Just like at the real Everest's base camp at 18,000 feet above sea level. The expedition leader will be talking the whole time over a PA system installed in the ride, keeping riders updated on the search for the ever-elusive Yeti. But shortly into the ride the first Yeti encounter occurs! At the apex of the hill, the Yeti jumps out and attacks! The expedition leader screams out ‘we're losing control!’ and the train comes loose and plunges down the mountain. Back through the station it goes, and into a giant snowdrift, which sends the train up into the air and upside down. The train, seemingly out of control, will ‘boomerang’ around the snowdrift before hitting another drift and flying into the air in a loop, then landing back on the mountain, not too far from where it had originally begun its journey.
”From here the train begins its climb up the mountain again, this time moving up forwards. Riders look again for the Yeti, but this time are instructed to be more careful. Again, the Yeti jumps out and attacks! Once again, the train loses control and careens back down the hill, only this time, riders get the whole experience BACKWARDS!!!”
The brochures conclude by stating that, “after having ‘boomeranged’ their way back to the train station, the riders receive an announcement from the expedition leader that this amazing trip is over.” ARN&R has learned that, from here, some "feel-good" music plays and the riders are supposed to learn that sometimes, Man is better off not tampering with nature. Or something.
Disney has also announced that, in keeping with modern times, no animatronic puppets will be used in this ride; instead, a real human being will play the role of the Yeti. While names were not released, it is rumored that the man chosen to play the Yeti is a Wisconsin native, and the movements of the Yeti will be based on an original creation of his known as the "[censored] Flags Dance." Disney executives refuse to confirm speculation that the Yeti has already been chosen, and firmly maintain that Alec Baldwin, Nicholas Cage, Ben Affleck, and Andy Garcia are all still strong contenders for this important role as a big, scary, hairy ape.
Yeti Mountain is the only ride of its kind in the Orlando area, though of course approximately 250 other parks have basically the same dumb ride, minus a hirsute actor. Disney reps speculate that the ride should be open and thrilling the public by the summer of 2009.
Disney Studios Announces Long-Awaited Star Tours II
Reportedly years in development, the long-awaited update to Star Tours has been announced. The original Star Tours, located both at Disneyland and Disney Studios Theme Parks, was considered a groundbreaking simulator in its time, but has grown a bit long in the tooth in recent years. All that will change with the opening of Star Tours II: Darth Maul's Revenge.
"We've been working on this behind the scenes for about eight years now," said Imagineer Jeremy Miller. "Unfortunately, Disney management keeps reducing our budget year after year, and refuses to develop any of our concepts that don't involve gift shops and overpriced food, which really isn't the kind of stuff we took this job for. Star Tours II should be the ride that really puts Disney back at the top of the heap as far as innovative, cutting edge thrills, though."
ARN&R was able to confirm that the project has indeed undergone severe budget cuts over the years of development. In fact, 97% of the money available was spent on the guest shop revamp a few years back. We learned that the new attraction may be a bit more low tech than some Disney attractions, consisting only of a cabin that rocks guests back and forth as they view this exciting footage of some moron pretending to be Darth Maul with his own make-believe lightsaber. Regular guests will be able to view the standard ride, while resort guests will be provided with an upgraded ride experience that features better special effects and a soundtrack to accompany the moron's wacky antics with his throbbing rod.
"Okay, I admit it," said Miller after a moment. "The ride's going to suck. We have a few burly guys rocking a cabin around while some buffoon appears on a video and acts like a nimrod. I hate Disney. Why didn't I take that %$ing job at the Baltimore Aquarium instead?"
Monday, May 12, 2003
Horrified Enthusiast Realizes Ozark Wildcat is Actual Roller Coaster
Hyperventilating with shock and outrage today, ACE member Willy Bobokins, 32, realized that the Ozark Wildcat attraction opening this spring at Celebration City is an actual functioning wood coaster. Bobokins joined the swelling ranks of ticked-off enthusiasts who aren't getting quite what they hoped for at the new amusement park.
"I'm pissed off," elaborated the unemployed dog catcher. "I got to attend a sneak preview at the park, but was horrified to learn what the new ride would be. I mean, I was expecting that maybe I would wait in line for six hours to experience an attraction that would shoot me up one big hill at 110 miles per hour and then be over about a second later. Or maybe I could wait four hours to ride something that blasted me back and forth really fast until I got sick. Or, better yet, I would have waited three days through copious technical troubles to get on some concoction that spun the coaster seats around really fast while the cars were negotiating a 200-foot dive."
Bobokins stated that "I was expecting something ridiculous and new. I don't ride anything that doesn't have some stupid gimmick. The ride better be over in three seconds, or possibly have such problems with all its spinning and bouncing mechanisms as to only be open about three minutes every other month. Deja Vu and Flashback are my idea of real rides, man. But stupid Celebration City went out and got a respected wood design firm to build a creative, fun, medium-sized woodie with lots of speed, some airtime, great direction changes, smooth tracking, and classic spiral drops for about one hundreth the cost of some big launched spinning gizmo that breaks down all the time. In other words, Celebration City bought an actual roller coaster. Boy does this park &$%#ing suck."
Bobokins also informed ARN&R that he thought Superman: The Ride of Steel would be way better with some loops, Holiday World blows because they don't have any big steel coasters, a Premier launched shuttle loop would have been a better use of the space wasted by Shivering Timbers, and the Beast is a great coaster with lots of airtime.
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