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Saturday, May 24, 2003
Coaster Zombies to Protest End-of-Ride Brakes on SFA's Roar
In a move surprising for its level of physical activity required, eastern seaboard-based enthusiast group the Coaster Zombies announced today that they would undertake civil disobedience targeting the final brake run on Six Flags America's Roar coaster, a 1998 Great Coasters International installation that has generally received solid reviews.
"Getting upset about mid-ride brake runs is setting our sights way too low," said club member Josh Razmy. "The brakes at the end of the ride mess up the ride's rhythm just as much as those mid-course brake runs, and they must be stopped."
Upon Razmy having it pointed out that the train would simply race through the station without stopping if the brakes were disabled, never allowing riders off or on, he was ready with an answer. "If these parks and designers really knew what they were doing, they wouldn't need the brake runs at the end of the rides -- the coaster would just glide to a stop in perfect position. We think Roar is a great place to start with our campaign against all brakes."
"Or we could have manual brakes -- ropes that the riders could grab on to to stop when they all collectively felt it was time to stop. It'd be way more organic that way, and the riders would have a great communal experience, too."
The club is expected to chain itself to the coaster's gates until the brakes are turned off or the buffet is opened, whichever comes first.
Friday, May 23, 2003
Universal Announces New "Mommy" Ride
Universal Hollywood and Universal Orlando announced they will have guests screaming for their Mommies when they debut "Mommy Dearest: The Ultimate Revenge," yet another new generation coaster-based interactive adventure, to parkgoers in spring 2004.
"The specs for this attraction are phenomenal!" claims Bobby Ditchelldorf, webmaster of UniversalOrlandoMatic.com, a rumor site dedicated to Universal Orlando. "There have been plans posted graffiti-style in the men's room outside Marvel Super Hero Island for the past three years, and it's gonna rule!"
According to the hastily drawn design plans, a larger-than-life version of Faye Dunaway jumps onto the riders' car and the car then shoots out of the station backwards in a vain attempt at escape, where a venerable horde of Animatronic Mommies swarm the car and tear some of the riders apart. This is followed by a ceiling of wire hangers just inches from riders' heads and a screeching voice exclaiming, "No wire hangers! No wire hangers!" and "Scrub Christina, scrub!"
"If all goes well," stated executive Mommy designer Stan Checketts, "With all the technical difficulties associated with a ride of this caliber, we should have waiting lines reaching into the next century."
Thursday, May 22, 2003
Ungrateful Park Offers Nothing to Gracious, Overworked Enthusiasts
Recently, Lake Compounce Amusement Park in Connecticut offered no consolation to the fifty or so ACErs who were courteous enough to show up for a commercial filming.
“I went through the hassle of taking the day off of work for nothing!” exclaimed angered enthusiast Mark J. Harke, who scrubs toilets and empties garbage eight hours a week at McDonald’s. “I woke up at 7 o’ clock to be here for the park, strenuously rode the rides, and enjoyed the company of friends all day long in the glaring sun at no charge whatsoever, was forced to consume free Pepsi products, and ate only 6 slices of their horrible free pizza, as well as some bagels, muffins, bottled water, salad, and breadsticks.”
He continued, “and all of that for nothing! Despite me volunteering to attend this filming despite the park never mentioning any reward other then a ‘fun’ day of riding, the park still gave us all the cold shoulder and handed out no freebies after the skyride. This may very well be the only time I’ll ever be getting my face on TV other than that time I was on the news for robbing Kentucky Fried Chicken, but I don’t care.” Hartke blathered on, the grease from his chicken wings dribbling down his cheek, “it doesn’t matter if they had to pay the actors, film crew, and ride ops for their long day of work, and it doesn’t matter that me and my fellow ACERS didn’t fork over a single penny for entry, or parking, or food…I want my free stuff! ACE members are entitled to gobs of perks from amusement parks and we demand them right now!”
This writer agrees. The constant rerides on the number one-rated Boulderdash all morning, even being allowed to stay on for several rides after filming was completed, followed by rides on just about every flat and coaster in the beautiful lakeside park, with the ability to leave anytime one wished, were collectively a veritable slap in the face to enthusiasts everywhere. How dare the park not give us any free crap! Shame!
[Editor's Note: Yes, it's true. You never know when an ARN&R spy might be at an event or regular park day with you! So please do something obnoxious and stupid so we can make fun of you on our webpage! Also note that wearing one of our products from the Shoppe will grant you immunity from our taunts. Be sure to wear the one with the guy pissing on Top Thrill Dragster at Stark Raven Mad or Coaster Madness to be certain we don't pick on you for being an enthusiass!]
Tuesday, May 20, 2003
Dumbass ARN&R Reporter Forgets Suntan Lotion, Gets Hideously Sunburned
Thousands of enthusiasts, as many as 3% of them taking unapproved leave from work, ran to the streets cheering and sounding air horns to celebrate the fact that a major contributor to ARN&R forgot his stupid suntan lotion for an all-day commercial shoot at Lake Compounce, and succeeded in pretty much burning himself to death.
“AAAAAAAUUUUGGGGHHHHHH!” said the reporter as he woke up this morning. “AAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!” Then he yelled some other really nasty things we won’t print in a G-rated family publication like ARN&R, as he rubbed ineffective Aloe salve and Neosporin on bright red, flaming, itching swaths of hopelessly damaged skin.
“This kicks ass,” said Josh Weinberg, 15, a Kansas enthusiast. “That bastard is always making fun of enthusiasts. Now God has punished him for his wickedness. Let us all pray for his eternal soul to be violated and probed endlessly by Satan in the fiery mouth of Hell for claiming we eat too much at buffets and don’t get dates.”
“Man, this sucks,” whined the reporter. “How could I forget suntan lotion? I was basting away out there for hours.” He then paused to peel off several hunks of blistered flesh that had suffered what may be third-degree burns. “Now I know what it feels like to be Cajun blackened. Help me! It burns! It buuuuurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnssssssssssssssss!” He then began examining twenty or thirty violent melanomas that had sprouted overnight.
Later, after sticking his entire face in a bucket of ice for twenty minutes, the reporter was a bit calmer. “It’s really a disappointment. I was sure I’d find something great to mock or amuse myself with during the day at Lake Compounce. You stand anywhere near 50 or 60 enthusiasts all day, and you’ve got yourself some cannon fodder. I mean, there was that kid who I’m pretty sure was on crack running around flapping his arms and screaming “By myself! By Myself!” for some reason. There was some dude whose pants dropped to his ankles. There were these funny little girls who kept making sure to point out a big pile of bird doo by one of the coasters.
“And the guy playing the father in the commercial announced himself to us without provocation as ‘The Father,’ and made big quote marks in the air with his fingers to indicate his important title. That was all good stuff. But really, making fun of myself was much better than all of those. I am ashamed to admit that I was the stupidest &%$& there, because now I look like a cooked lobster and it hurts even to have a breeze come near my face.” He concluded the interview by whimpering incoherently and begging for Jessica Alba to please come rub Aloe on his forehead.
[Editor's Note: Buy stuff from our store right now so stupid ARN&R reporters can afford some burn cream.]
IAAPA Response to Ankle, Arm, Torso, Neck, Finger, Toe, Ear and Eye Injuries: "G-Forces Don't Cause Brain Injuries"
The International Association of Amusement Parks and Attractions ("IAAPA") forcefully responded today to reports that virtually every injury reported by amusement park guests involves the guests' ankle, arm, torso, neck, finger, toe, ear, or eye by referring reporters to what it described as a "meticulously performed study by leading researchers into brain injuries resulting from gravitational forces." According to IAAPA, the report concludes that strong G forces do not cause brain injuries in numbers significantly greater than ordinary activities.
"To those people who say that amusement park rides can injure riders' ankles, arms, torsos, necks, fingers, toes, ears, or eyes, I have just one thing to tell you: The g-forces experienced on amusement park rides do not cause brain injuries," declared IAAPA president Clark Robinson. "And for those who note that inadequate restraints, operator error, or unclear instructions cause many of those injuries, I have just one thing to tell you: The g-forces experienced on amusement park rides do not cause brain injuries," he concluded.
Six Flags COO Gary Story concurred. "While some may believe that our valued guests' ankles, arms, torsos, necks, fingers, toes, ears, and eyes are at risk when they visit our parks, I would like to refer you to the American Association of Neurological Surgeons report that concluded that g-forces pose no threat to their brains. I would also like to note that Dr. Rhea Seddon, a former astronaut and mother of four, has agreed that g-forces pose no threat of brain injuries. You're at no greater risk of brain injury riding a coaster than sneezing!"
When asked if either IAAPA or Six Flags would be commissioning studies of injuries to ankles, arms, torsos, necks, fingers, toes, ears, or eyes, or studies of restraints, operator training, or the clarity of instructions, Story and Robinson both noted that "the g-forces experienced on amusement park rides do not cause brain injuries."
Monday, May 19, 2003
New Trend in Ride Design Stems From Carnal Knowledge, Conclude Attendees at Conference
With the opening of Top Thrill Dragster, many world renowned psychologists have been contemplating the perverse lure to an attraction where a person would wait six hours for a fifteen second ride.
In a recent academic conference on the subject held in Switzerland, Dr. Frances Gettenhoffen suggested: "In a predominately male dominated, ego-based society, there tend to be obvious sexual factors related in current trends. Whether they be current or concurrent need matter not. What matters, is the fact that amusement structures or ‘attractions' are basically phallic symbols dressed up in pretty cloths with ofttimes long -- very long -- waiting lines and a short, if not pleasing, climax."
"This goes back to our neanderthal ancestry," stated palaeontologist/psychiatrist José Rodriguez Hosemedown, also an attendee at the conference. "This blatant form of dong worship has been prevalent since we climbed out from the primeval ooze. There is no reason to think that we, as men in a male dominated society, would erect anything to the contrary."
Dr. Wanker Fiddlestinder noted that even the pre-opening sight of a construction worker urinating on the TTD station was consistent with his theories. "In this male-dominated, ego-driven society of male dominators, we have a delineated tug to our penises. We like to hang them out, compare them and design rides after our favorite modus operandi."
The group promised to reconvene at a later date to discuss the psychological implications of the rocking motions of Looping Starship flat rides.
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Our favorite review: "as a joke it [ARN&R] wasn't that funny. all of my family take parks very seriuslyand all thow we laffed after time we were apoled by the joke."
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