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Monday, June 30, 2003
ARN&R Exclusive: TTD to be Replaced
ARN&R has learned in an exclusive story that Cedar Point has decided to tear down its troubled Top Thrill Dragster launched coaster by the end of July. "Yep, a few weeks of downtime made us realize that it just wasn't worth the trouble," said Dick Kinzel, head of Cedar Fair, Cedar Point's parent entity.
To replace TTD, Cedar Point has tentatively settled on the world's largest, fastest, tallest, and most futuristic Dippin' Dots Ice Cream of the Future stand, backed up against a similarly huge Old Time Pictures stand. In a draft press release obtained by ARN&R, Kinzel is quoted as saying, "If you thought Top Thrill Dragster was intense during its fifteen hours of operation, just wait until you see this ice cream! It's XTreme!"
The stands will likely be rebranded. Rather than being identified simply as "Dippin' Dots Ice Cream of the Future," it will now be "XDippin XDots: XTreme Thrill X Cream of the XTreme Future," and the Old Time Pictures stand will likely offer the opportunity, through advanced digital technology, for patrons to have a picture taken so that they appear to be standing atop a 420-foot coaster, one that Cedar Point describes as "fantastical" and "so crazy as to be fictional."
Enthusasts were ecstatic over the news. "Once again, Cedar Point raises the bar," wrote ThrillNetwork regular MeanLeak. "I just can't wait to see what those poseurs at Magic Mountain do in response to this. Pure brilliance."
Disney Yet Again Hastily Rethemes Rock 'n' Roller Coaster
Only a few months after spending upteen dozens of dollars to frantically rework the troubled Rock 'n' Roller Coaster attraction at their Studios theme park in Florida, Disney has decided to pull the plug on the new version. Although the change of theme and music from Aerosmith to really crappy twentieth-century classical composers was brought about through the panic of Disney executives finally noticing the ever-so-slightly-not-family-oriented content of much of the oevre of Aerosmith, these leaders felt the new ride would at least manage to remain moderately successful.
"We leaders felt the new ride would at least manage to remain moderately successful," said Vice President of Ride Development and Public Shenanigans Angelo Thornberry. "When we realized Aerosmith had videos featuring all sorts of hot, scantily clad, barely legal teen action, we surmised that the next best, most Xtreme, thrills we could provide were those of the most ass-ripping music this side of Metallica." Unfortunately, the use of boring, academic swill written by composers such as Paul Creston, Milton Babbitt, and John Corigliano didn't exactly "put the booty" in the seats. In fact, most passengers ran screaming from the ride before it began, rather than after. "We thought all the bleeding ears were just from the Vekoma headrests like normal, but it turned out Elliot Carter compositions actually cause eardrums to spontaneously rupture rather than subject themselves to all that noise," said Thornberry.
Disney has announced that a new slate of hard-rockin' stars will supply the pumped-up soundtrack for the attraction, slated to reopen in August. Says Thornberry, "We spared no expense. Our new onboard sound experience will kick your fu*king ass into next week. Yeah! Get ready to feel 10 gigawatts of pure unadulterated music power ripping and jack hammering through your body as you blast into a tunnel and hit those loops and bunny hops."
Thornberry then dramatically announced the new line up for this coaster's soundtrack, sure to delight punkers, classic rockers, and death metal freaks alike: Debbie Boone, Cher, Culture Club, Kenny G, Michael Bolton, and That Guy Who Sang That Achy-Breaky Thing. Sources close to Ratt inform ARN&R that they are crestfallen to still not be hired to provide their potent, influential, and thought-provoking music for a Disney ride.
Posted at 1:29 AM | Link |
Sunday, June 29, 2003
Drooling Morons Not Limited to Coaster Enthusiasm as Hobby
While we at ARN&R have been continually astounded at the lack of common sense and even subsimian-level intellect displayed by many who send us letters and/or comment on us on various coaster message boards, we have been highly distressed to have no confirmation whatsoever that we were noticed or despised by anyone except those who like their woodies big, fast, and well greased. Nay, every poorly-spelled and grammatically hilarious forum topic extolling the fiery brimstone and torment of Satan awaiting us upon our hopefully imminent deaths, every pathetic threatening letter appearing in the ARN&R Mail Repository, and each and every website calling us names appears to have been the work of some hapless coaster enthusiast nitwit. (Incidentally, this would be an excellent place to add links indicating examples of all the above, but our extensive work on the ACE Museum's ERT and Gravy exhibits is taking up too much time to bother with that sort of intricacy.)
We are most pleased to announced that we finally have proof that our humble website has "jumped the rails," so to speak, and is categorically pissing off the general population, as well. At this discussion at an Elvis forum, our little synopsis of Lisa Marie Presley's deranged shrieking and caterwauling at an NBA playoff halftime met with confusion, derision, and, sometimes, naturally, poor use of proofreading skills.
Following the usual pattern established when our website is freshly discovered, despite the fact that it is clearly indicated all over the front page and archives as a website that satirizes the amusement park industry and is not meant to be taken with the slightest shred of seriousness, an astute writer at the Elvis group notes helpfully that "I don't believe a word of that article." More interesting discussion occurs:
What I was referring to was the implication that her popularity dropped
after her NBA appearance. I knew the rest was [bad word]. The whole web-page
is supposed to be based on rumors, though that article was obviously written
as a way of slamming Lisa again, probably written by some cretin regular
ARN&R officially must come clean here in response to this pointed and witty barb. Yes, it's true. Our months upon months of writing amusement park and enthusiast satire and line of exciting consumer products were all an elaborate hoax by members of the Elvis forum 'cretins' designed to lead up to a story on how much Lisa Marie Presley sucks ass just so we could post it on the Elvis message board to defame the little succubus and get a reaction there! You caught us! Thank you very much.
We at ARN&R are gladdened to see that there were actually members of this group who immediately recognized the piece as what we call "a joke." Bless you. You have almost restored our faith in humanity. Hopefully your confused forum-mates will some day understand that we in no way were serious when we suggested Lisa Marie Presley was refused employment at Libertyland as a bumper car due to her lack of any talent whatsoever. However, we do stand by our statement that Nicholas Cage divorced Presley "because he could still taste Michael Jackson on her."
[Editor's Note: Our little missive on Lisa Marie's guttural animal howls also found its way onto forums for pro wrestling and Michael Jackson; we have not yet ascertained whether the lack of a hot discussion subsequent to the first posting indicates that the participants of these groups are too smart to be fooled by our deep and not-at-all immature jokes, or whether all the big words baffled them. More news at AN&R the moment it breaks.]
Saturday, June 28, 2003
ACE Coaster Museum Out, ERT Museum In
In what the leaders of the American Coaster Enthusiasts are calling "a nod to their roots," the plans for a roller coaster museum have changed. President Carole Sanderson said, "We are still working on a museum, but instead of roller coaster history it will focus on Exclusive Ride Time (ERT)." Sources indicate that the museum will still have an extensive gravy exhibit.
This pleases younger coaster enthusiasts, many of whom had a hard time grasping why ACE had wanted to preserve the memories of coasters from the past. "Its like, the Crystal Beach Cyclone was the shizzle, and all, but it's gone. All of those old coasters sucked and were unsafe," said Jim Tamey, a fifteen year-old ACE member known as GoliathDogg at Westcoaster.net. "Why talk about that boring crap, anyway? I want to tell people about the 4 hours of in-the-rain ERT I got on Revolution and Colossus."
This kind of bragging is exactly the kind of reaction the ACE Executive Committee had hoped for. "We realize that ACE is mostly now a club for ERT and we want to make sure all of the great countless rides members have had are preserved," said Immediate Past President Bill Linkenheimer III. "I only wish we had not saved that lame Leap the Dips; think how much sooner we could have started this important project."
The museum will be state-of-the-art and combine expensive LED screens with an animatronic Paul Ruben who will extol the virtues of having parks and ride manufacturers pay his way around the world. He will also share the secret of why many ladies consider him their "number one ride." Throughout the building monitors will rotate different stories of great ERT sessions and members visiting the museum can stop and record their own experiences for the museum's planned digital video archive.
The only restriction in the memory project will be that all members must wear outfits considered standard coaster wear. Linkenheimer told ARN&R that each memory must be recorded while wearing at least three of the following items: coaster shirt, coaster hat, coaster fanny back, coaster belt buckle, coaster patch, coaster jacket or an outfit that includes black dress shoes and shorts. "This will be one of the most high-tech museums in existence," the Link-o-matic added excitedly.
When asked where the club had come up with the money for all of these gadgets Sanderson said that because the large collection of P.T.C. trains Tom Rebbie had saved for the museum would not be used in its current format they were auctioned off on Ebay to enthusiasts. "It's a win-win; ACE got money and a couple of enthusiasts got coaster trains for use in their living room," said Sanderson. Rebbie could not be reached for comment and ACE historian Richard Munch was last seen weeping softly in a corner.
The groundbreaking is scheduled for September 2003 and the museum should be up and running by 2005. Dignitaries like Ruben, Eric Minton (sporting a "The Loop" t-shirt), XFan and Coaster Bob are already scheduled for the event. In addition, 2000 metric assloads of gravy, 500 corn dogs and 100 cubic meters of fudge have been ordered to feed enthusiasts. "Because of the amounts we had to order the food a little early, but it will be worth it. The opening of the ACE ERT Museum will truly be our defining moment," said Sanderson.
Friday, June 27, 2003
Breaking News: Possible Full-Season Shutdown of TTD "Still Totally Normal!"
In response to Cedar Fair's announcement that Top Thrill Dragster may ultimately be closed for the season, experts throughout the teenage internet coaster enthusiast community continued to declare it "totally normal," as was the breaking of the cable, supports, track, train, train accoutrements, and the station.
"Tell me one ride that, a month after its opening, doesn't have the CEO talking about closing it down for the rest of the season!" exclaimed oft-quoted MeanStrkRulz. "And I'm far from a fanboy! Why, I bet it was part of the park's plans from the start! Just tease people with the ride and then get them to discover great coasters like Mean Streak and Mantis!"
RaptorRulesMySky concurred. "It's only another three or four months in the season, so I don't know why people are getting upset."
Universal Studios Theme Park Strives To Add Realism To Their Studio Parks
Guests at the Universal Studios theme parks in Hollywood and Orlando will soon see several new additions to both parks' "city streets." In an effort to make the city scenery seem more realistic and believable, Universal is adding panhandlers at every corner and at least one hooker at every intersection.
The make believe bums will be easily recognizable with their bedraggled clothes and crudely lettered cardboard signs. They will beg park patrons for spare change, leer maniacally at busty young women and urinate on themselves or the pavement quite frequently in order to make themselves seem all that more believable. Guests too stubborn to part with their pocket change will get an extra special surprise treat in the form of a "loogie" being "hocked" upon them by the feisty fake freeloaders.
The counterfeit call girls will be a little bit harder to spot since they will blend in with many of Universal's usual female guests. They will strut along the street corners hurling insults at male guests' wives or girlfriends and "flipping the bird" to anyone who gives them a disparaging glance. They will also offer free samples of their "goods and services" to the first ten guests daily who can actually discern them from the regular crowd of "interesting" women that frequent the Universal Studios parks.
Universal is not stopping there though. Their artists are also decorating the streets and sidewalks to truly make guests feel like they never left their hometown. They have recently been very busy laying down miscellaneous litter, broken bottles, used hypodermic needles, used contraceptives, human and animal feces, old mattresses and discarded major appliances. In addition, they have been spray-painting obscenities and lewd pictures onto various buildings throughout their parks in order to complete the illusion.
Universal anticipates introducing their newest street performers steadily throughout the summer months. Auditions will be held on Tuesday mornings starting on July 8th. All interested persons should contact the Universal Studios theme parks division human resources department or stop by the guest services booth at any Universal theme park.
Thursday, June 26, 2003
First Annual AbsolutelyReliable Con a Spectacular Success
Amid much hand wringing and flop sweating, the good folks at Absolutely Reliable News & Rumors managed to pull off their First Annual AbsolutelyReliable Con without a hitch. With the kind of success the event had in its very first try, we can almost certainly expect this to be an annual treat. ARN&R here features an exclusive report on the exciting event; due to our superb connections in the industry, and amongst websites that gleefully taunt the industry, we were easily able to have our reporters to the scoop. And to make it a double helping of Ben & Jerry’s Brownie Batter, actually.
Although most amusement industry insiders felt that ARN&R was "pretty damn stupid" to throw a big event immediately following the ACE Conference, and completely on the other side of the country, the naysayers were proven to be big poopy heads when AbsolutelyReliable Con ended up drawing over 1000 participants from all over the globe. Enthusiasts flocked from the United States, Canada, Europe, Asia, Africa, and Australia, though we were saddened to note that not a single coaster lover from Antarctica or Djibouti graced us with their presence.
AbsolutelyReliable Con kicked off with a welcoming buffet featuring the requisite buckets of meat, trowels of lard, and metric assloads of gravy required at all coaster enthusiast functions. Of course, members of the AbsolutelyReliableClub received first dibs on which whole deep-fried fowl they wished to sink their quivering jowls into. Most ARN&R Club members selected turkeys, though some members opted for a pheasant, goose, or a whole ostrich of their very own. Despite some whining from non-Club members that some ARN&R Club members were sneaking off with more than one game bird each, there ended up being plenty of dribbling, succulent flesh for all.
After the orgy of grease slurping, participants were welcomed to the event and given a schedule of wacky shenanigans for the rest of the Con. Then everyone was off for three hours of Dance Dance Revolution ERT. A few people asked why no coasters were featured, but the answer was quite simple: 1) The event was held at the Absolutely Reliable Corporate Mega-Campus in Portland, Oregon, a location that does not have any rides, and 2) An overwhelming majority of our Coasterbuzz fans stressed that they would much rather heave and ooze on the DDR machine than ride a stupid coaster or whatever. The DDR topic there lasted 28 pages, after all.
A wide variety of special activities awaited Con attendees the next day. As was the case with ACE, we didn’t succeed in obtaining Helen Hunt’s services for the Con, but at least we weren’t dumb enough to bother asking. Instead, attendees were treated to Hunt movies As Good As It Gets and The Waterdance, but not Rollercoaster. Although it seemed potentially topical to include that movie in the activities, the decision was made not to show it, primarily due to the fact that it sucks.
Afterward, attendees were treated to a surprise buffet table ERT, catered by Dollywood and featuring all those succulent treats like Deep-Fried Big Macs On A Stick With Ranch Dressing and the World-Famous All-U-Can-Eat Suet Buffet that make them true friends to ACErs everywhere. The evening was filled with seven straight marvelous hours of Enthusiass Rambling Time (ERT), which consisted of nonstop bitching and whining about how little parks do for ACE members, demanding Exclusive Ride Time and gifts from parks, rambling on about top coaster lists, and generally behaving in a way that ensured no attendee would ever be invited to another amusement park event ever again. It was truly outstanding.
[Ed. Note: Due to the volume of exclusive information about this Con, it's up in three separate posts. Read on...]
AbsolutelyReliable Con - Day Two
The next day primarily featured a slew of guest speakers. To begin the day, AbsolutelyReliable Con brought in a number of exalted guests from the hallowed halls of the American Coaster Enthusiasts. First up were a group of editors and writers for Rollercoaster Magazine. A fascinating discussion of pertinent and exciting topics ensued. The editors were happy to ignore questions about why the magazine continues to be published about five months late each issue, despite the fact that the editor is now paid and also has new assistant editors helping out ("It’s that darn cat still eating issues," claimed the editor in chief, off the record). When queried about whether the magazine would continue to include staggeringly offensive and inappropriate jokes comparing moderately uncomfortable hotels to concentration camps (RC Issue 84, p. 21) (sadly, we're serious), the staff said that they had enjoyed the response over the new issue and would strongly consider adding black jokes and perhaps some interviews with Strom Thurmond and David Duke in upcoming issues. "We're also hoping to make fun of non-native employees at U.S. parks!" exclaimed one editor.
After the rotted fruits and vegetables were cleaned from the faces of the RC Magazine staff and the surrounding area, it was time for seminar by ACE News staffers titled "How to Just Make Crap Up For Your Story." A breakdown of a particular article (ACE News May-June 2003, p. 9) showed how, in order to fulfill a bizarre sense of state pride, authors are allowed to "tweak" the facts in a story. The opinion was, if writers for the New York Times and Boston Globe can make crap up, why not just let it slide when a writer for an official ACE publication claims that California has six B&M coasters and Florida has only five? (ARN&R spies report the apparently top-secret information that Florida contains Kraken, Fire Dragon, Ice Dragon, Hulk, Montu, and Kumba, which our top staff physicists and chaos theoreticians assure us is…six coasters.) ACE News also helpfully provided a second seminar, titled "How to Maintain Credibility as a Major Industry Publication Despite Several Articles Dismissing or Complaining About Almost Universally Loved B&M Coasters in One Issue."
Finally, several members of the ACE Executive Junta gave a revealing Q&A where most of the questions focused on them forgetting to pay rent on the ACE offices and then getting booted out in the rain. The evening was spent with three hours of Following Around the Four Almost-Attractive Female Coaster Enthusiast Chicks at This Event in a Hopeless and Fairly Stalkerish Manner ERT.
AbsolutelyReliable Con - Day Three
The final day was chock full of fun and merriment. It began with group panel discussions. First off were Lee Coaster, Xfan, Roarfan, and Mrceagle, in a forum titled "How to Make Yourself Look Like a Complete Buffoon by Using Awful Grammar in Your Rabid Hate Mail and Posts About Silly Satire Sites." Then, after a nutritious all-you-can-eat lunch of Banana Splits With Krispy Kreme Donuts, attendees returned for the seminar called "Mercilessly Shredding the Coaster Preservation Organization a new @%$hole," with Coastplaya, coasterphil, and Teknoscorpion, along with special appearances from the ARN&R staff. The final session, "How to Become as Brilliant, Attractive, and Hysterically Amusing as the Staff of ARN&R," featuring writers and editors of the website, unfortunately had an audience of exactly zero persons, a puzzling occurrence.
Although ACE came up with the idea for a pajama party at CoasterCon this year, ARN&R wasn’t above stealing it. Of course, instead of featuring an onslaught of horrifying be-pajama’d enthusiast gristle all night, our pajama party featured Jessica Alba, Halle Barry, Jennifer Connelly, Kristen Kreuk, and Parker Posey. ARN&R staffers report that the organizers will be unable to hire most of these nightie-wearing hot babes next year unless the ARN&R Shoppe does especially brisk business this summer, so start forking over those dead presidents unless you want to see dozens of writhing, pasty enthusiast butts instead.
Whitewater West Industries To Introduce Spinning Rapids Restroom Ride
Canada's Whitewater West Industries, creators of the fun and hugely popular spinning rapids flume rides showing up at some Six Flags theme parks this year, are hard at work on their next major thrill ride concept, 'The Whirling Twirling White Water Toilet Tornado Ride.'
In an effort to expand theme park fun beyond its traditional boundaries, Whitewater is focusing on raising the thrill factor in other areas of the amusement park besides the usual thrill-packed midway rides and attractions.
Surveys conducted by Whitewater found that theme park guests spend an average of thirty-three minutes per day in the park's restrooms. (It should be noted that, for reasons unknown, the same research demonstrates that guests at Six Flags parks spend a significantly higher portion of their day in the restroom than guests at other parks do.) Based on this statistic, Whitewater set out to develop an attraction to optimize that restroom time and make it just as thrilling as every other minute spent in the park. The result of Whitewater's quest for restroom thrills is 'The Whirling Twirling White Water Toilet Tornado Ride.'
Guests take their seats on what appears to be just a normal toilet. It's white, it's porcelain and it's full of water, but that is where the similarities end. As soon as guests park their rears, the real fun begins. The water starts swirling, slowly building up momentum until it becomes a raging whirl of white water rapids. Geysers shoot up in all directions soaking riders with urine-enhanced splashes, sprays and spouts. Then, for the coup de grace, the toilet starts spinning, ever so slightly at first. As the toilet accelerates, high-speed wind machines strategically hidden throughout the restroom provide a very realistic hurricane-force wind shear that sprays water and human feces out in all directions.
"It is a very climactic finish to one hell of a great ride," boasted Stuart Burns, vice president and general manager of Whitewater. "We are very confident that the Toilet Tornado will leave your guests screaming for more, or at least screaming. Trust us, they will want to ride the Toilet Tornado again and again. Expect your guests' T.S.I.B. [Ed.: time-spent-in-bathrooms] to increase dramatically."
The 'Whirling Twirling White Water Toilet Tornado Ride' prototype is currently being tested at Whitewater's corporate offices in Richmond, British Columbia, Canada. Tests are going extremely well and Whitewater plans to start installing the Toilet Tornados in parks as early as spring, 2004.
Hersheypark will be the first park to install a Toilet Tornado. It will be aptly named 'The Hershey Homesteader Hurricane' and it will be conveniently located in the Pioneer Frontier section of the park next door to the Taco Bell restaurant.
Wednesday, June 25, 2003
CPO Opens New Shelter for Battered and Abused Coasters
The famed Coaster Preservation Organization (formerly Coaster Preservation Club) has branched out beyond rescuing abandoned coasters and suing parks that leave coasters standing but not operating for four months or more. On Monday, June 23rd, it unveiled blueprints for a new shelter specifically to aid abused and battered coasters.
“I was shocked when a friend told me the sad story of Rolling Thunder at Six Flags Great Adventure,” said Lee Coaster, Chairman, President, and CEO of the CPO (formerly CPC). “When I heard about this once-noble coaster without fresh paint, running on dry rails, operating day-to-day at the mercy of cold, uncaring Ride Operators, I knew the CPO (formerly CPC) had to step in and do something."
The center, to be located in North Dakota, or perhaps Louisiana, is designed to house coasters which have escaped from their current tormenters. “As we all know, some of these great rides will suffer from 'Battered Coaster Syndrome,' and may not have the confidence or courage to escape. We are here to help them with a confidential rescue program.”
Once at the center, coasters will be re-painted, oiled, and stroked lovingly. Assertiveness Training and Self-Defense classes will also be offered to coasters to help them “get back on their feet again.”
Most abused coasters are afraid to press charges against their owners, so there is little to no media coverage or court records of this abuse. A hopeful Lee Coaster said, “We’re going to turn this around – one coaster at a time.”
Tuesday, June 24, 2003
Coasterbuzz Flame War Ensues Over Attempt to Count Montezooma
A monster controversy has been bubbling out of the turgid bowels of Coasterbuzz this past week, following the discovery that a man with the CB handle “CPistotallythebestandallotherparkssuck6” had actually credited the Paramount’s Great America shuttle loop Montezooma’s Revenge on his CB profile’s coaster count despite freely admitting that he has never traveled west of Minnesota.
“This is such a load of s#&%,” opined Jerry Baldwin, 36. “Why is he bothering to lie to us? So immature. I hope I’m never so desperate for the attention a big coaster count brings that I stoop to such stupidity as to inflate my numbers with coasters I haven’t actually been on.” Baldwin then ran off to begin his four-day vacation to Santa Land, Story Land, and Funworld Game Center, each a New Hampshire park widely spaced from any other and featuring a single kid’s or family roller coaster.
CPistotallythebestandallotherparkssuck6 sprinted forth to unload his side of the story. “It’s legit. I experienced Montezooma’s Revenge in all its fury. No lie. I was driving down I-95 to visit some pals in South Carolina and I stopped off at South of the Border for a few Pedroland rides and some tacos at Pedro’s Diner. Everything seemed okay, but then, as I was riding that awesome sombrero into the night sky, it hit me. Damn, did it hit me. Can you say ‘Los Trots?’ I was in the baño for three hours screaming and grunting and burning a hole through Pedro’s third-world white thrones. Cramps, chills, queasiness, and imperial gallons of explosive, fiery diarrhea…dude, it sucked. And I had to run pay homage to the porcelain god from one end or another eleven times in the next two days.”
He added, “so don’t try to deny my credit for Montezooma’s Revenge. Maybe it rode me instead of the other way around, but I’ve had just as much shuttle launching as any of those morons who’ve been to Great America. I was just getting the shuttle launching through my ass, but it counts the same.”
Discussion on Coasterbuzz has primarily favored the viewpoint that the Montezooma’s Revenge sufferer is a “lying coaster count jackass,” though minority opinions have held that he is a “wanker” and “a complete tool.” South of the Border employees tell ARN&R that the taco meat they use consists only of the finest cockroach larvae, toenails, and rat schlongs, and they don’t know why on Earth anyone would blame their tasty product for any anal agony whatsoever.
Sneetch Pox Outbreak Traced to Islands of Adventure
Scientists around the world heaved a collective sigh of relief from their manly bosoms this morning, as the troublesome outbreak of Sneetch Pox was traced definitively to one source, Islands of Adventure amusement park. Said Roger Cratchov of the Centers for Disease Control, "we've managed to isolate this disease to one location, and expect it to be eradicated within a matter of days. It's a victory for world health."
Experts describe Sneetch Pox as a non-deadly but most embarrassing condition which causes massive breakouts of hives in a star pattern all over the stomach and chest of the victim. "This pox totally sucks," said Fondlyn Cox, 23, a recent sufferer of the condition. "It itches to all hell, and the kids without the frickin' pox won't let me hang out with them since it's contagious or something." Cox then furtively scratched at herself in an unseemly fashion.
"I told my son not to play with those Sneetches on the beaches," said Harry Ball, 45. "But he did it anyway. Then it spread to our whole tour group in a matter of minutes. Augh! It burns! It burns!"
Once it was learned that all victims of the Sneetch Pox had, not really so inexplicably, contracted the condition within hours of visiting Islands of Adventure and its Seuss-themed area, doctors quarantined the area, crushing the pox outbreak with one swift stroke. Although the infestation appears to be contained, all those who have ridden a Sneetch or played with one in the past week are urged to receive their shots at a nearby clinic just to be sure. Those who have been infected have been reporting a return to normal after about two weeks of itching, burning, and swelling. Rectal discomfort may persist for up to three months no matter what the treatment, of course.
"Lots of rest, liquids, and reading stupid fake coaster rumor sites will soon have these sufferers back as the best on the beaches despite these Sneetches!" said Cratchov, in a moment of unprecedented levity.
Sunday, June 22, 2003
B&M Unveils Plans For New Floorless, Trackless, Trainless, Stationless Coaster
Swiss roller coaster designers, Walter Bolliger and Claude Mabillard, held a press conference today in Truth Or Consequence, New Mexico to announce plans for their exciting new "Zero-Dimension" roller coaster concept.
Mabillard shared some details of the new ride concept with ARN&R in an exclusive interview:
"The 'Zero-Dimension' coaster will add a thrilling new twist to roller coaster riding. It will be the first floorless, trackless, trainless, stationless coaster in the world. Riders will line up in a seemingly never-ending twisting, turning queue full of crossovers, high-banked turns and steep drops. They will zigzag back and forth up and down each lane of the queue at speeds of up to twelve miles an hour, if patrons have world-class sprinting speed."
The ride will culminate with a 540-degree horizontal loop element leading straight into a breathtaking backwards double corkscrew. Riders will then be dropped gently onto the asphalt at the opposite end of the queue line from where they started. With a ride time of just under fifty-three minutes, B&M expects that the coaster could accommodate up to 300 guests per hour.
Bolliger went on to speak about the ride's relatively small footprint and very attractive price tag.
"The "Zero-Dimension" is very compact and does not require acres and acres and acres of land. In fact, the most basic blueprint of the coaster would require less than one acre of land to construct. The price is certainly right, also, with a cost of just $5.5 million for the most basic layout. When is the last time that you could purchase a B&M coaster for that price?" queried Bolliger.
Members of ACE and several other coaster clubs who were present at the press conference were obviously very excited about the "Zero-Dimension" roller coaster concept. Before Bolliger and Mabillard were even finished speaking, enthusiasts could already be heard chattering amongst themselves about how the "Zero-Dimension" roller coaster was their new favorite roller coaster and arguing about whether or not this new ride would count as a credit. The arguments escalated to slap boxing and hair pulling until Bolliger and Mabillard suggested that everyone wait until the ride was actually built before making any determinations about it.
Several "Zero-Dimension" coasters have already been ordered by the Six Flags Corporation, which plans to open the first such coaster as an up-charge attraction at Six Flags America for the 2004 season. It will be called 'Wonder Woman's Lame-Ass Line Dance' and, evidently in a response to recent litigation, will be the first Six Flags attraction to feature Wonder Woman's name and likeness.
"What the hell, we've got the extra land," quipped Six Flags America vice-president and general manager, Janet Porter. "Why not fill it up with more useless, but super expensive, crap rides?"
Friday, June 20, 2003
Ruben Claims Thirty-Four World Records
On tonight's Travel Channel rerun of Ultimate Thrill: Beyond Speed, Paul Ruben stated that he has ridden over 1,500 coasters. In related news, in a press release issued by his office, Ruben laid his claim to thirty-four world records in a wide array of subjects.
"Yep, I did 'em all," said Ruben, in an interview at Cedar Point, where your intrepid ARN&R reporter followed him past the patiently-waiting throngs of ordinary patrons (what Ruben calls "the little people"). According to Ruben, in addition to riding virtually every coaster in the world (the Roller Coaster Database lists roughly 1,600 coasters in the entire world), he also is the oldest skydiver in recorded history, having jumped from a plane at age 97; the most prolific amateur lover in the 20th century, having bedded over 9,000 women; and the holder of the record for the most clothespins attached to his face, breaking the old record with 143.
"I also hold the record for deepest open water dive by a woman without any scuba gear," said Ruben. "That was back when, y'know, I was a woman." The other thirty world records are somewhat unclear, but Ruben says that they'll all be listed in the next issue of Park World.
Ruben added that the Travel Channel quotation was somewhat old, and that he has now ridden over 2,500 coasters, and will soon break the record for the fastest pulling of a Boeing 727.
Holy Land Experience Theme Park to Add Thrill Rides
In an effort to draw younger guests into its throng, The Holy Land Experience Theme Park in Orlando, Florida announced it would be adding three major thrill rides to its lineup. "It's been 2,000 years since the world has seen anything like this!" exclaimed Marvin J. Rosenthal, president of The Holy Land Experience. "Precisely 2,003 years, actually. Or maybe 1,973 years. Anyway, these new attractions are only the beginning."
The first attraction, developed by Premier based on its water coaster technology, set to open next month, is "Termagant Baptismal Plunge!' Riders will board early 1st century sailing yachts and traverse the Nile River where they will be tormented by pagan rituals and sacrificial demons. The yachts will then enter a Great Pyramid and be "lifted to God" before plunging down a 150-foot holy-waterfall into a Baptismal pool.
The second attraction to open sometime this fall, is the "Cruci-Friction!' Guests are strapped securely into restraining devises and shot to the top of a 250 foot crucifix and hung there for a full 30 seconds to witness what Jesus witnessed in His final moments, before plummeting at speeds up to 70 miles per hour back to Earth.
The final attraction to appear sometime in early 2004, is "TTD: Top Thrill Dogma, the Highest Coaster on God's Green Earth!' "What we wanted here," stated Rosenthal, "was an attraction that would take our guests as close to Heaven as conceivably possible." Designed by S&S Power from the original plans for the Tower of Babel, TTD will shuttle riders 150 miles per hour around the twisting Biblical structure literally into the stratosphere; 13,000 feet into the air! "It will be guaranteed to take your breath away!"
"The Holy Land Experience has been totally dependent on God for His provision and direction. But we're also grateful to the Orlando Visitors' Bureau."
Wednesday, June 18, 2003
Hellevator Named New Spokesthing for Viagra
Much to the disappointment of major league slugger Rafael Palmeiro, the Rangers first baseman was replaced this week as spokesman for Viagra by Six Flags Kentucky Kingdom's Hellevator. The move was made after careful research by the company indicated the need for a new market focus, after surveys showed Palmeiro was not reaching the valued 12-25 target demographic coveted by the manbeast-enhancement medicine. "What better way to market our drug than by using a giant, throbbing shaft of steel that can clearly demonstrate Viagra's effect on virility?" Viagra representative David Wang asked reporters rhetorically.
Upon being unveiled as the new spokesthing for Viagara, the Hellevator stood proudly erect as it read from a prepared statement. "Viagra has made me a new freefall attraction. When I was young and studly, I proudly thrust forward into the Kentucky sky, beckoning throngs of eager youngsters with my smooth, mighty, gleaming single rod. But then I grew older. Other, newer, bigger freefall and Space Shot rides came on the scene and drew more attention with their more substantial height, girth, and lack of maintenance woes. Over the years I became more and more flacid and limp in comparison with the new rides."
Pausing to weep briefly, Hellevator added that "the final straw that made me realize I had to take action was the introduction of the Double Shot rides from S&S. How can an older model like myself possibly compete with a shaft that has that much raw power and stamina? The answer was Viagra. A year after beginning my prescription, I am once again thrilling impossibly huge crowds of screaming, terrified and pleasured men and women for hours upon hours each and every operating day. I am such a stud!"
When asked for his opinion on the great thrill-phallus being named as a spokesthing for a product normally associated with old dudes getting it on, parkgoer Randy Dew, 19, said that he felt it was "Hellacool."
Tuesday, June 17, 2003
National Roller Coaster Museum and Archives Announces Planned Gravy Exhibit
In the May-June issue of ACE News, which, remarkably, arrived during one of the identified months, many enthusiasts' questions about the National Roller Coaster Museum and Archives ("NRCMA") (associated with the American Coaster Enthusiasts [ACE]) were answered.
The most important question answered? That's easy: "How the heck can NRCMA fully recognize the contribution that gravy and gravy-related products have made to ACE and, more generally, coaster enthusiasts?"
Wherever the NRCMA facility will end up, we can now be assured that it will contain a significant and historically exhaustive look at gravy, including a high-tech interactive mammoth gravy boat.
"It's important to us that gravy be recognized," said Carole Sanderson, ACE Dictator-for-Life. "Sure, the buffets more broadly are also important -- and that's recognized by the fact that fully sixty-five percent of our museum's space will be devoted to three separate buffet-based restaurants, including Old Country Buffet, Huge-Ass-Creating Buffet, and All-You-Can-Gorge-Yourself-On Buffet -- but gravy is really in a class by itself."
Reports indicate that the gravy exhibit will be a walk-through, but, recognizing the effects of its subject, a moving walkway will also be available for those who tire easily.
The first room will have a inch-by-inch recreation of the first ACE buffet at which gravy was served (in mid-1979), as lovingly documented in the Robb Alvey film Gravy Memories, produced by Ken Burns. Alvey will have a central role in designing the room, as he possesses the only known footage of the revered first gravy serving.
The next room, called "Gravy: the Semi-Liquid Substance that Brings Us Together," will have a timeline of gravy through the years and, on weekends only, opportunities to sample all the gravy, from the "Greed Gravy" of the 1980s to the "Gravy.com" of the late '90s...and, of course, the "XTreme Gravy" of 2002. Visitors will be strictly limited to two quarts of gravy per visit.
After a series of small rooms where visitors are surrounded by holograms and wax figures of ACErs eating glass after glass of gravy, the exhibit concludes with the Gravy Boat Ride. In this special attraction, designed for free by Sally Corp., visitors will enter a small indoor water park, but this will be no run-of-the-mill water park. Instead, all 20,000 square feet will be in the shape of an enormous gravy boat and, instead of chlorinated and sanitized water, the attraction will use genuine pork gravy. (During Lent and certain other religious holidays, a soy-based gravy will be used.)
"And the greatest part," exclaimed Sanderson, "is that every single patron will be naked!"
The museum is scheduled to open in 2008. Invitations to the premiere are expected to arrive three months after the event.
Nebraska Enthusiasts Celebrate New Roller Coaster Installation
Members of the Nebraska Out-and-back Roller Coaster Club, also known as the "NO Roller Coaster Club," had reason to celebrate on Tuesday, June 3rd, as the state's first new roller coaster in almost 30 years, simply named "Kiddie Coaster," was installed inside the Big Kmart at the Imperial Mall located in Hastings, Nebraska.
The mall, a Six Flags property purchased for approximately $320 million, held a "media day" event to celebrate the grand opening of Nebraska's newest, and currently their only, roller coaster. Reporters from the Hastings Weekly Trader Classified Ads newspaper arrived and covered the story with enthusiasm.
The coaster was designed and built by Innovative Concepts in Entertainment, Inc. of Clarence, New York, at a cost of about $4000.00. It stands approximately four feet tall at its highest point and has a top speed of just over two miles per hour. Riders sit in the one seat train, drop four quarters into the slot directly in front of them and hold on for dear life as the mighty wooden twister takes its passenger on a ninety-second run through the wild banks and turns, crossovers and ups and downs of one of four different track layouts. The rider selects which layout they wish to brave by simply pressing their choice on the roller coaster's super high-tech built in touch-screen television monitor.
NO Roller Coaster Club member, Lance Farston, was so excited when he heard that a new coaster was coming to Nebraska, that he camped out in the parking lot of the Hastings mall for the forty-nine hours preceding the ride's media day opening just so he could be the first one in line to ride the fabulous new thrill ride.
"It was worth every minute that I waited," insisted Lance. "Don't let the name fool you. This is definitely not your run-of-the-mill children's roller coaster. In fact, the coaster packs quite a wallop. It's the best thing to come to Hastings since the Payless Shoe Source store opened here last fall. The ride is so technologically advanced too. I just pop in my quarters, touch the magic TV screen, sit back and enjoy the ride! I can't wait to ride it over and over again and again!"
Francis Rockswell, another NO Roller Coaster Club member, was also present at the ride's media day celebration. Francis came to the mall on opening day with the intention of setting a new world record for riding a roller coaster over and over again non-stop longer than anyone else ever has before.
"I couldn't think of a better way to celebrate this great new coaster's grand opening event," said Francis. "I really thought I was going to break the record too."
Francis was off to a great start, but, three hours and $122.00 later, he ran out of quarters. "I guess I really underestimated how many quarters I'd need to break the world record," lamented Francis.
Francis has already vowed to attempt his record breaking feat again next week right after he cashes his paycheck from his job at the Imperial 3 Theaters. "I'm working a lot of extra hours this week, so I'll have more quarters the next time," Francis said.
The Nebraska Out-and-back Roller Coaster Club has managed to secure some exclusive ride time on the Kiddie Coaster for NORCC members only on Sunday, June 22nd from 11:00am until 12:00 noon. Members are encouraged to arrive early and bring lots of quarters.
UPDATE: ARN&R has just learned that the Kiddie Coaster, which was touted by Six Flags Theme Parks as a "brand new" coaster installation, was not new at all. In fact, the same coaster had previously operated for years at the Wal-Mart in Elk Mountain, Wyoming. It was purchased by Six Flags Theme Parks, disassembled and shipped to Nebraska where it was reassembled and repainted in an attempt to pass it off on to unsuspecting Nebraskans as a brand new coaster, as reflected in this exclusive photograph.
Monday, June 16, 2003
Patriot Organization Targets Six Flags
The John Birch Society recently issued a warning to readers of its magazine, The New American, citing Six Flags Theme Parks as "suspiciously Communist."
The author, Chad T. Johnson, describes a typical day at a SF Theme Park: “After giving away the right to freely come and go by paying admission, patrons are subjected to constant queueing, much like in Communist Russia.” The article goes on to speculate that the theme parks are “Communist Training Centers” that are being used to dull true Americans' senses and fool them into believing that a great reward (i.e., a roller coaster ride) awaits them at the end of the line. Johnson also makes note of the student work-exchange program at Six Flags parks, which he claims are “dominated by young people from the Eastern Bloc, in an obvious attempt to confuse Americans into thinking that Communist values go hand in hand with Bugs Bunny and ‘Great America.’”
“Today, it’s funnel cakes – but tomorrow, these same people will be lining up for toilet paper!” said an anonymous member of the organization, known generally for its completely bat-sh*t insane members, interviewed at a local chapter near Appleton, Wisconsin. “Isn’t it disturbing that nearly 98% of US Citizens are within an eight hour drive from un-American activity such as this? Six Flags must be stopped!”
Gary Story, President and Chief Operating Officer for Six Flags, made this statement: “No Comment. Comrade.”
Coaster Tools Spotted At Indiana Beach
Sources tell ARN&R that high school coaster enthusiast and Supreme Judge of Coaster Toolitude Daria (“Cha-cha-cha”) Doorhouse spotted many a tool at Indiana Beach the Sunday following Stark Raven Mad.
“I was just going there to score some rides on Cornball and Lost Coaster, but I was so appalled by what I saw while in line that I almost had to leave,” she said, clutching her CoasterBuzz Barbie doll closely. “I’m not really sure what ride number it was, because my little metal clicker is only used to count rides on the Michigan’s Adventure Corkscrew, the bestest, way totally coolest ride on the planet…Oh My God did you hear how I hit 1000 last summer!!!! Soooo coooooooool!"
“In case you were wondering, I keep track of my daily laps on a tally counter, and then record them in an Excel document. Usually I totally include the date, who went with me, number of laps, total laps in the season, and total laps overall. Although, occasionally I do tell maintenance what to do,” she gloated, and then for apparently no reason added, “Like, Oh my GOD!!!”
Doorhouse went on to say, “I was like there at IB with a few of my friends [Author note: being a teenage enthusiast and also having a vagina immediately warrants you your very own posse] when, in a switchback in front of us, there were these four…TOOLS!"
“There they were, just standing there, having a conversation that didn’t really involve roller coasters at all, wearing these cargo shorts and normal, non-coaster shirts. At first I wasn’t sure, but I immediately realized what they were once one of them started making fun of Six Flags Kentucky Kingdom.”
When reached for comment, one of the obvious tools said, “Wait, you mean this little girl called me a tool? Are we talking about the same girl with the clicker, and the CoasterBuzz Barbie doll that she was carrying on all the rides? Wasn’t she wearing a BEASTIE shirt that day?”
Sunday, June 15, 2003
Comic Mastermind Gives Roller Coaster Camera “The Bird”
National humor experts and fans of wacky hijinks and merriment were amazed this weekend by the comic timing and brilliance of Worlds of Fun patron Shana Golden, 16. Showing amazing originality, intellect, and wit, Golden demonstrated her natural gift of incisive humor by giving “the bird” to the onboard ride camera for Mamba.
“Sweet fancy Moses!” said comedian Jerry Seinfeld. “I wish I’d thought of something this good. Here I’ve been all these years doing my clean comedy, and it blinded me to the possibilities that giving the finger to a camera could have presented me with. This girl is a genius of comedy, and I bow before her skills.”
The stunning comedic move was noted by Mamba photo booth operator Lars Hetfield at 5:45 PM this past Saturday. “I’ve never seen anything like this,” said a clearly awed Hetfield. “It boggles my mind to think how someone could be so clever and rebellious as to give my camera the finger. No one else in the history of this ride has ever thought to do that. It’s an unparalleled, sublime moment in the history of humor.”
Comic Robin Williams agrees. “Clearly, Ms. Golden must be considered to be the forefront of a new generation of attack-comedy masterminds,” he said. “The evolution of the form began with Lenny Bruce, was raised a level with George Carlin, and now reaches its absolute zenith with Golden’s giving the bird to the camera at Worlds of Fun. She takes all of this anger and directs it in such a unique, brutal way that it comments on the shallowness of modern life around her.”
Williams continued, saying, “beyond the extension of the supremely wondrous middle digit that no one in the long history of any amusement park has ever before even begun to consider doing to a coaster camera, Ms. Golden also shows her scathing and uproarious sense of ground-breaking humor on other occasions, including casually and loudly spouting racial epithets around black and Hispanic parkgoers, throwing pebbles at passing Timberwolf trains, calling the ride operator on Mamba who yelled at her to quit running down the ramp a ‘bitch,’ dropping cigarette ash on babies, and sticking her feet out of the vehicles while they are in motion. We may be witnessing the greatest, most mentally gifted comic mind ever created by the hand of God.”
When asked for a comment by ARN&R, Golden informed us that we were to do something that we certainly aren’t going to print here. However, we would like to state for the record that we declined the invitation, based on Golden’s disturbing lack of personal hygiene.
[Related News: Catherine Zeta Jones sues Busch Gardens Tampa over crotch-grabbing and bird-giving to Montu cameras.]
Saturday, June 14, 2003
Update: Ten Days Downtime "Totally Normal and Pretty Fun!" Says Cedar Point Experts
Adding to the list of "totally normal and minor" problems with Top Thrill Dragster at Cedar Point, experts noted that the cable, supports, track, train, train accoutrements, and the station have all broken and now added the ten days of downtime due to problems with the pneumatic system.
MeanStrkRulz, a self-proclaimed "anti-Cedar-Point-fanboy," said that the as-yet unexplained ten days downtime, requiring experts from Intamin's headquarters in Switzerland, was "totally normal and pretty fun!"
"It really made me think about all the other great stuff at Cedar Point, and is sure to take a lot of time off the line once TTD comes back up," he said. "Once everyone remembers how awesome Mean Streak is, they'll never go back to Top Thrill Dragster. It's brilliant!"
Snoopy Arrested On Charges Of Public Lewdness
Peanuts character Snoopy was arrested Thursday, June 12th and charged with public lewdness after he allegedly tried to hump the legs of several ACE members as they waited in line to ride Woodstock Express, a family roller coaster located in the Camp Snoopy section of Dorney Park in Allentown, Pennsylvania.
ACE member Bernie McLeland told ARN&R, "We were all just standing there in line, minding our own business, arguing about whether Woodstock Express should count as a credit or not, which of course it should, but Fred is a total idiot and says it shouldn't because it's small, but c'mon, it's got a lift and it's powered by gravity after the hill, so how can it not be a coaster?, when, all of a sudden, Snoopy snuck up on us from behind and started rubbing up and down on our legs."
"It was quite a traumatic experience, and yet strangely sensual at the same time," said Fred Gringle, another ACE member involved in the attack. "I remember when I sat next to Emma Franklin at the buffet back at CoasterCon -- oh, man, what a great buffet it was -- and I thought she was rubbing up against my legs. That was awesome, even though it turns out it was the huge guy across the way. Anyway, this felt sort of like that."
Shelly Steiner, a park guest who was standing in line behind the accosted ACE members, was not at all surprised at Snoopy's purported public displays of affection. "Have you seen some of those ACE members?" asked Shelly. "They are, like, totally hot. Big, beefy boys in their jean jackets with all of those patches, yum-my! I can totally see why Snoopy would try to toss them a bone."
Snoopy maintains his innocence, insisting that he was the victim of a practical joke gone horribly wrong. "I don't know what came over me," Snoopy said. "Peppermint Patty must have slipped Viagra into my water dish again. Peppermint Patty is always pulling pranks on the other members of the Peanuts gang, like the time she pantsed Charlie Brown right in front of that little red haired girl. She can be very cruel."
After posting bail, Snoopy was released on Friday morning from the Allentown Police Department. Police and Dorney Park officials are still investigating the incident. A full report is expected to be released sometime next week.
Friday, June 13, 2003
Paramounts Kings Dominion To Install "Wedgie Cams" On Drop Zone Ride
In order to substantiate claims that the new 305-foot tall Drop Zone Stunt Tower at Paramounts Kings Dominion causes instant wedgies to riders during its 72 mile-per-hour rapid descent, park officials have announced that they will be installing "Wedgie Cams" onto all 56 seats of the world-record-breaking drop ride.
Flapjack Fishhead, media relations spokesperson for Kings Dominion, recently chatted with ARN&R about this exciting new addition to the newly opened Drop Zone ride.
"The cams will use the latest in infrared and X-ray technology to 'see through' the pants of riders," explained Fishhead. "They will be aimed right at the crotches of guests and will show with great clarity and amazing detail how quickly a rider's underwear is sucked right up their butt crack during the ride's high speed descent."
Fishhead went on to say, "The cameras will broadcast a continuous streaming video feed that can be viewed either on Kings Dominion's Web site or on various closed-circuit television monitors located throughout the Drop Zone queue and all around the rest of the park. As an added bonus, guests will even be able to purchase souvenir ride photos of their undies stuck up their hineys! Is this a great country that we are living in, or what?" Fishhead added that the park was considering proposals to sell the best wedgie photos to various fetish web sites.
Paramount decided to install the "Wedgie Cams" in response to the allegations of deceptive advertising brought against them by rival theme park chain, Six Flags.
Six Flags America Vice-President and General Manager, Janet Porter, said in a prepared statement, "We think that it is absolutely unacceptable that Paramounts Kings Dominion would make such a ridiculous assertion as the one they have made recently about their new Drop Zone tower ride. It is obvious to us that they are exaggerating the thrill of their lackluster new ride by insinuating that all riders will experience an instant wedgie while on the ride. Why, I'll bet that that drop ride in their commercial is not even really in the park! In fact, if I'm not mistaken, I do believe that the drop ride featured in their commercial is actually a digitally altered version of our 'Hellevator' drop ride located at Six Flags Kentucky Kingdom."
"The Six Flags Corporation would never stoop so low as Paramount Parks has," Porter continued. "We pride ourselves on our completely accurate and always truthful advertising. If you see a ride in a Six Flags America commercial, then you can bet your bottom dollar that you'll find that ride at Six Flags America. And, furthermore, if Six Flags tells that you one of our roller coasters will give you a swirlie every time you ride it, then by golly, you better believe that it will. After all, our reputation and good name are at stake."
Fishhead had no response to what he termed as Porter's "incessant meandering and ranting."
The "Wedgie Cams" are expected to be operational on the first day of summer, June 21, 2003. Starting on that date, in order to avoid potentially embarrassing video of your private parts from being broadcast around the park and around the world, Kings Dominion strongly advises that all guests planning to ride the Drop Zone Stunt Tower wear underwear, preferably clean underwear.
[Ed. Note: Avoid embarrassment -- wear ARN&R underwear! We've got a tasteful thong and comfy boxers.]
Posted at 8:34 AM | Link |
Thursday, June 12, 2003
Adult Coaster Enthusiasts Spend Hours Developing CPO Barbs
In an exclusive investigative report, ARN&R can report today that several Coasterbuzz forum participants, most of whom are generally functional adults, stayed up all night to come up with a snappy forum post in hopes that they would be acknowledged in this very publication.
“I’m totally dragging at work today,” commented CsTrLuvr232, 34, in a private e-mail. “But staying up all night will be worth it if my post insulting the Coaster Preservation Organization makes it onto ARN&R! Then, people will know that I’m important.” CsTrLuvr232, who works as a 911 operator, transferred three reports of heart attacks to animal control due to his exhaustion.
While coming up with a witty joke or comment was the primary task, using creative spelling and grammar to mock the group of 15-year-olds took the most time for these dedicated satirists.
“It was great, it was the penultimate of posts!” exclaimed frequent poster KosterNerdy, a 28-year-old systems administrator, of his remark that ‘these guys don’t know anything about the law, and there [sic] lunch money will never buy them a coaster.” When asked if he knew the actual definition of the word “penultimate,” he said “Duh – it’s one better than the best!”
When last checked, the American Heritage Dictionary defined penultimate as nothing even close to 'Nerdy's description.
Premier Rides To Introduce Launched Carousel
Premier Rides of Millersville, Maryland recently unveiled plans for their next-generation merry-go-round, tentatively known as the "Giga-Go-Rounder." President and owner of Premier Rides, Jim Seay, saw an opportunity for his company to expand into the ever popular kiddie rides market, a market that, up until now, Premier has had no success entering. Their previous plans to build the "Underwater Hyper Wacky Wet Wave Swinger" never made it off the drawing board, and the kids' spaghetti bowl coaster was clearly ill-conceived. This time, however, Premier is convinced that they have a smash hit ride to introduce to the amusement park world.
"Through the miracle of LIMs (linear induction motors), we have created a Merry-Go-Round that can go from zero to eighty-three miles an hour in just 1.2 seconds," said Seay in an exclusive interview. "This baby blows the away the competition! If insane speed and inevitable nausea are what you want from your merry-go-round experience, then Premier has a ride for you. Trust me, the kids are gonna just love this ride!"
As always, safety was a major concern for Premier, so they took extra care in designing the restraint systems for the Giga-Go-Rounder to insure guest comfort and safety. Each horse comes equipped with individual ratcheting stirrups and padded over-the-saddle restraints. For extra security, each horse has its own set of grab bars attached at the manes.
And, just in case that isn't enough, Premier has installed their newly created "Positron Guest Retention System" into every horse on the Giga-Go-Rounder. The Positron system works by emitting extremely powerful negatively charged electromagnetic fields that actually attract and hold like super glue to the naturally occurring positively charged electromagnetic fields that emanate from every human being, including small children.
Seay says, "There are some issues to be worked out with the Positron system, but once we can figure out how to stop -- or at least minimize -- the severe brain damage caused by the Positron system, it will revolutionize the amusement industry, for sure! We are very excited about this project."
When asked why he felt that the world needed an eighty-three mile per hour merry-go-round, Seay responded, "Who knows why? We just wanted to make sure that we did it first. So, next week, when Intamin or Vekoma introduces their 'next generation XTreme merry-go-round' and tries to say that it's the first of its kind anywhere in the world, we can say nuh-uh, we already did that last week. Nyah, nyah."
Seay then proceeded to hike his pants up as far as they would go, spin around in circles and proclaim over and over, "I am the Linear King, and I can do anything."
The Giga-Go-Round is expected to be ready in time to debut at the IAAPA convention in Orlando, Florida this November, 2003. Stop by the Premier Rides booth #4964 for more information or for a test spin.
Wednesday, June 11, 2003
Confidential to Someone Secret Whose Handle Might Rhyme with Roasta-Flaya
ARN&R can't get enough of your love, babe
Boy, we don't know, we don't know why
ARN&R can't get enough of your love, babe
Oh, some things ARN&R can't get used to
No matter how we try
It's like the more you give, the more we want
And baby, that's no lie, oh, no, babe
How can ARN&R explain all the things we feel
You've given us so much, boy, you're so unreal
Still we keep loving you more and more each time
Boy, what are we gonna do because you're blowin' our collective mind
[Ed. Note: What, you expected more on the CPO? We've gotta get back to our mission statement somehow, and this somehow seemed like the logical way.]
ARN&R Promises Not to Call Lee Coaster "Thunder Pissy" Ever Again
We at the AbsolutelyReliable Towers in San Francisco, and our executives lolling about the AbsolutelyReliable Hot Tub with Jessica Alba and Kristen Kreuk, convened via conference call to determine the course of action to take regarding this kind missive from the object of everyone's affection, Lee Coaster of the Coaster Preservation Organization:
Ok, here is the deal, you can post your fake articles,but do not change ThunderFun to Thunder Pissy. I am very pooped over this debate, and will have it come to an end soon.
We heartily thank Mr. Coaster for giving us permission at long last to openly mock and taunt him at our website, especially given his utterly pathetic attempt to threaten us in a previous letter. We're glad that it's now okay for us to make a mockery of this idiotic little twit, and pledge to write as many articles as possible doing so. Such as here, here, here, and here. More to come!
Also, we promise to you, Mr. Coaster, we shall never, ever, under any circumstance, ever refer to you again as "Thunder Pissy." See, it's easy for us to do that, because we never did call you Thunder Pissy. Think of what other word starts with a P and ends with a Y. Actually, it's spelled the same except that there is a "u" as opposed to an "i." So we'll just keep calling you Thunder Pu#@y so we won't make you mad by referring to you as "Thunder Pissy." Thanks for your support.
Mockery of Coaster Preservation Organization ‘Formly’ Club Continues
ARN&R continues its valuable public service of letting the public and the outstanding intellects of the Coaster Preservation Club know when derision, mockery, pointing and laughing, and any general untoward wacky shenanigans are being undertaken in regards to this wonderful, amazing website and its fearless simian leader, Thunder P&%sy.
In addition to the crown jewel in the collection of “CPC formly CPO” mockery listed below, the Koaster Preservation Klub, we have been made aware of several comments on other websites that seem to be making fun of the little 5-year-old bed-wetter. This one is representative:
Thank you for finally writing some articles about these idiots. All of us at CoasterBuzz have been mocking them for a while, but this puts them on a bigger stage. It's always nice to see kids pulling laws out of their asses to threaten amusement parks.
Keep up the great work and continue with the CPO mockery.
We’ve gotten others, but this is the prevailing opinion. It would be best if Mr. P&%sy send a threatening email to every internet address on the planet, just in case any of these addresses are used by those who are enjoying seeing him being mocked.
Additionally, we at ARN&R call your attention to the ongoing discussion at Coasterbuzz, where Mr. Coaster has obviously made lots of friends. Four pages worth, and counting, actually. There are many, many quotes that we like…er, I mean, that we are appalled by or something….but we especially like Teknoscorpion’s take on the situation:
I've now decide to start my own Coaster Saving orgonizasun(hehe)
Coaster Rescurers And Preservationistsissts
The site will be up in a few days, Joint C.R.A.P. Now for only $2000. Our law is any coaster that is SBNO for more than 12 hours is ours, or we'll sue. I'm the Grand Masterflash of the org., so just send a check to me made out to TeknoScorpion P.O. Box 1313 Mockingbird Ln. Munsterville, AL. Who [wants] to join??
Mr. Teknoscorpion, we know you were hoping for an interview. We’d love to hear your further thoughts, so send us an email and we’ll chat! Did we make your day?
Then there is this laughably stupid website that seeks solely to mock and taunt poor Lee Coaster of the CPO “formly” CPC, which we think is just really mean. Someone has way too much time on their hands to….oh, what’s that? Oh! Apparently this is an actual webpage where Mr. Coaster lists his exciting plans to build a backyard coaster called Project: Wild Angel. We thought the part where he sent a letter to PTC asking for a train had to be a hilarious joke, but that appears not to be the case. Oops.
CPO! Get after these bad, nasty people!
The Community Comes Together
In response to our heartfelt plea to let us know about any unpleasant mockery of the Coaster Preservation Organization ("formly CPC"), we heard about this horrible, offensive, terribly bothersome site called the Koaster Prezervation Klub. We were shocked -- shocked! -- to see that someone is out there making fun the "CPO(formly CPC)."
So, here's our notification to Lee Coaster, Grand Poobah of the real "CPO(formly CPC)" -- you probably want to send the folks there a nice note like you did to us.
More on this breaking story later. Promise.
PKD Midway Olympics Revised
Paramount’s King’s Dominion developed a little special treat for ACE members attending the historic 25th anniversary Coaster Con, to be held next week at the popular Virginia park. As reported in the event flyer and in ACE News, PKD will be featuring the PKD Midway Olympics, which was to be “team tournament play in all our favorite Midway games: Whack-A-Mole, Quarter Toss, Skee Ball, Ring Toss, Basketball Free Throw, and others.”
Unfortunately, vehement protests by ACE members promptly curtailed the scheduled games. “I don’t think most members of our organization would be capable of doing most of these games,” said Bob Gooboski, 43. “King’s Dominion is really being unfair with these games, considering how nerdy and sedentary most of us are. If it doesn’t have something directly to do with useless information about a roller coaster or our mom’s basements or jacking off, they can’t expect us to be putting in any effort. Sorry.”
Hundreds of other members voiced similar complaints, complaining, for example, that it would be “completely unreasonable for ACE members to undergo the incredible exertion required to shoot a few basketballs,” and that “the only thing we’re capable of tossing is the ham javelin.” Sources tell ARN&R that a boycott was imminent as of last night, leading to fears that ERT lines would be under four hours on some days of the conference.
Fortunately, cooler heads prevailed. “All it took was a quick revision,” says Mike Rotch, PKD’s Assistant Manager of Special Olympic Events. “We’ve dropped all of these physically demanding exercises and tough mental challenges that no enthusiast is remotely capable of completing. Instead, we’ll have an Olympics with really great, fun events that are sure to please these ACE members.”
Rotch went on to confirm that all previously announced events would be cancelled, and that the following ones would be established in their place: Identifying the Bastard Ride Ops Who Staple You in Your Seat, Barbecue Eating Contest, Listing Dozens of Your Favorite Obscure Coasters to Family Members and Random Strangers Who Don’t Give a S%#&, Pie Eating Contest, Writing Detailed Notes on Each Coaster Ride While on it Instead of Enjoying the Damn Thing, Chicken Eating Contest, Pathetically Following the Three Attractive Female ACE Members Like Pathetic Little Yapping Dogs, Gravy Drinking, Bitching About Not Getting Loads of Free Stuff After Getting Loads of Free Stuff, Lard Eating Contest, and, of course, Vigorous Masturbation. ACE members universally applauded the new format. The competition thus far seems to be evenly matched, with no clear-cut favorites, except of course in the Vigorous Masturbation category, where Thunder P%sy of the Coaster Preservation Organzation 'Formly' Club is considered unassailable.
Tuesday, June 10, 2003
Members Of Coaster Zombies Coaster Club Mistaken For Actual Zombies
Cedar Point, Sandusky, Ohio
On Saturday, June 7, 2003, five members of the Coaster Zombies coaster enthusiast club were standing in line for Top Thrill Dragster, the new 420-foot tall "strata-coaster" at Cedar Point. By mid-afternoon, they had been standing in line for about seven hours and had barely moved for six of those seven hours.
When Cedar Point employee, Josh Winkelman, spotted them in line, he immediately made an emergency call to park security, believing them to be actual flesh-eating zombies. "I was making my way through the Top Thrill Dragster line offering the usual free massages and margaritas to park guests when I spotted them," said Winkelman. "They were so pale, and they all had such blank empty looks on their faces. Their eyes were rolled back up into their heads just like in that Michael Jackson music video. I knew at once that they must be the living dead. I called security right away before they had the chance to feast on anyone's brains. They all looked very hungry."
Park security quickly surrounded the suspected zombies and ordered them to put their hands behind their heads and to get down on the ground. When they did not immediately respond, park security proceeded to attack them with mace and Taser guns. The club members instantly began screaming, falling to the ground and writhing in agony. Some jiggling occurred as well.
Club leader, Sam Marks, finally managed to convince security guards that he was indeed a living breathing human being and not a zombie by flashing them his official Coaster Zombies coaster club membership card. "We would never allow an actual zombie to join the club," Sam pleaded. "Our club's constitution specifically prohibits bona fide zombies from joining. I must be a genuine living human being or I wouldn't have this membership card, now would I?"
That logic must have been enough to convince park security that Sam and his group were indeed still alive and kicking and had no intentions of munching on anyone's medulla oblongata, because they promptly stopped their assault on the suspected specters.
Park officials were obviously very embarrassed by this mix-up and quickly apologized to Sam and his Coaster Zombie friends. To make up for the misunderstanding, Cedar Point offered Sam and his coaster loving companions free "I (barely) survived the Top Thrill Dragster Queue" t-shirts and unlimited Top Thrill Dragster bathroom passes for life.
King Cobra Commits Ritual Suicide to Avoid Donation to Coaster Preservation Club
Late last night, paramedics and Paramount’s King’s Island staff members rushed to the rescue of Standing (well, not exactly standing in the official sense) But Not Operating coaster King Cobra, only to find they were too late. At 1:12 AM, medics pronounced the ride dead. The cause was reported by the medical staff as “self-smelting.”
“The ritual immolation of this ride was like nothing I’d ever seen,” reported PKI’s Daniel Berkshire. “King Cobra has been growing more and more despondent in the months since it was removed from operation at PKI. When it seemed like the ride would be moved to Terra Mitica, it perked up and seemed more alive and happy than it had in several weeks. But then lately, when it appeared that deal was stagnating, the Cobe just really seemed down and despairing. This Coaster Preservation Club (CPC, oops, we mean CPO) thing was the final straw, I guess. It’s a tragedy.”
Said Berkshire, “I think Cobra might have survived if we’d been able to keep it in storage until a suitable buyer had been found. Sadly, our hand was forced by the mighty and fearsome power of the monumental intellects at Coaster Preservation Club. Their threat to sue our park for being in violation of their completely made up law had us %%ing our collective pants and quaking in mortal terror of these little pricks and their cavalcade of trained experts. After all, according to their website, ‘the law is that a rollercoaster cannot remain standing but not operating for more than three months, A rollercoaster that is in storage must be sold off within [sic] a year's time. If this law is broken, that park(s) will be sue [sic] by the CPO,if the that ride is not handed over. Parks in violation are: Six Flags Marine World, Six Flags Magic Mountain, Six Flags America, Paramount's Kings Island, and Camden Park.’ “
Berkshire went on to say: “What can we do about that? We decided that we simply had to hand over King Cobra to whichever retarded 12 year old showed up with his mom’s station wagon and let him take the thing straight to Indiana and/or North Carolina. King Cobra didn’t seem to think much of that decision, but we certainly didn’t think it would take its own life.”
King Cobra left a suicide note. It read, in part: “I cannot bear to live with the idea that I will be donated to the worthless cretin life forms who are members of the Coaster Preservation Organization ‘Formly’ Club. All I wanted was to give mild thrills and occasionally excruciating pain to people and their genitals. I cannot accept being fondled and masturbated upon by morons. With that thought I leave you. Good bye, cruel world!”
The medical experts state that King Cobra had disemboweled itself hara-kiri style, drew and quartered itself, and then engaged in ritual self-immolation. “Well,” said the expert, “at least in the way it could. When it discovered that lighter fluid and a match wouldn’t have much effect, the suffering coaster flung itself into a giant smelting pit and melted into oblivion. Sort of like what happens at the end of Terminator 2. Except King Cobra was extending a different finger besides its thumb.”
“Death by self-smelting,” said the expert. “That’s a rotten way to go. But I’d do it myself if my other option was being groped and ejaculated upon by Thunder P&$%sy.”
Monday, June 09, 2003
Wonder Woman To Sue Six Flags Over Sexual Discrimination
A statement released by attorneys representing Wonder Women indicates that the ex-Super Friend intends to sue Six Flags Parks over what she calls "a blatant example of sexual discrimination in the workplace."
An excerpt from the statement reads:
"Wonder Woman has tried unsuccessfully for years to get her name and likeness immortalized on a roller coaster or other amusement park ride. She has been disappointed time and time again as Superman, Batman, Robin, The Joker and even Two-Face have been awarded their own rides, and subsequent hefty pay increases, and Wonder Woman has repeatedly been overlooked for promotions year after year. She can only assume that her gender was the motivating factor for her not being given her own attraction and a promotion."
"Two-Face? Who the hell is Two-Face?!?" Wonder Woman was overheard shouting to Gary Story, COO of Six Flags, shortly before she quit the company. "I'm Wonder Woman! Wonder f---in' Woman, for the love of God!! Everyone in the whole f---in' world knows who I am! Remember my magic lasso? What about my invisible plane? Hel-lo?"
Gary Story responded to the accusation of discrimination by saying, "Discrimination? 'Shah... roo-ight... If we discriminate against women so much, then how do you explain Poison Ivy's Tangled Train? Hmmm? Poison Ivy is a woman, isn't she? A budding, beautiful, bodacious, bosomy, busty, buxom, babe of a woman who got where she is today solely based on her hard work and dedication, I assure you. Also, what about Batman and Robin: The Chiller? Robin's a woman, isn't she? So there! Quit your whining, Wonder Woman, and go get me some coffee!"
Immediately after hearing Gary's response, Wonder Woman tendered her resignation to Six Flags Parks and hired a large team of aggressive attorneys to represent her in her lawsuit against Six Flags. She also immediately dropped out of the Justice League and ripped her Super Friends membership card in half. She then jumped into her invisible plane and was last seen heading towards Universal Studios, Islands Of Adventure in Orlando, presumably to be with her on-again, off-again boyfriend, The Hulk.
Attorneys for the Six Flags Corporation could not be reached for comment.
UPDATE: Our top-secret news sources recently overheard Wonder Woman's attorneys discussing a separate but related lawsuit being brought against Six Flags by Jayna, one of the Wonder Twins, and Gleek, her pet monkey. Details are sketchy, but the lawsuit appears to have something to do with charges of sexual harassment and Superman's x-ray vision.
Sunday, June 08, 2003
We Have Been Warned.
It's always exciting when we get to really use the stuff in the disclaimer down at the bottom of the page (this is the good part: "Anything you e-mail us is fair game to go on the site or to be used in any other way, including printing it up real big and posting it outside AbsolutelyReliableTowers."). And when we get an e-mail like this, from the Master Grand Superfly Poobah of the Coaster Preservation Club, it's really exciting. The Poobah speaks:
I found that article very rude and not funny, and other companies, and organizations may not mind have [sic] jokes made towards them, but the CPO(formly [sic] CPC) does. Do not post any more articles on the CPO. I will be checking.
We're not really sure if Six Flags and other parks "not mind have jokes made towards them," but we surely have been warned now, and he will be checking, as will, presumably, the massed armies of the CPO ("formly" CPC) working on the new park in Indiana. Or perhaps North Carolina.
And we'd like to help out the good folks there at the "CPO(formly CPC)". So, please -- if you know of somewhere mocking the "CPO(formly CPC)," be sure to let us know (contact address over there on the left) and we'll be sure to pass it along to Mr. Coaster by means of posting it here.
So far we're aware of this one at Coasterbuzz and this one at ACN. Oh, and this one, also at Coasterbuzz.
Any others? Don't hold back -- we want to be very sure that every single instance of "CPO(formly CPC)" mockery is passed along so that Mr. Coaster can send out e-mails to all of them.
Together, we can make a difference.
Saturday, June 07, 2003
We at ARN&R do truly enjoy all the hate mail we receive. It fills us with a warm, fuzzy glow to know that people who despise our website, and would like nothing better than to rip our still-beating hearts from our chests and eat them, inevitably are incapable of constructing a coherent thought or correctly spelling any words. Please keep saying horrible things about us while making a mockery of proper grammar and looking like complete imbeciles, Xfan and mrceagle! You’re too funny!
However, life is not all about rolling on the floor cackling at feeble hate mail and violent anonymous web forum posts. No, believe it or not, we at ARN&R do actually get some positive mail here and there, and we thought we’d share some of the widespread praise we’ve been getting over the past few weeks.
I love your site! Makes me just about pee my pants every time I read it! (Which is difficult considering that I am rarely wearing pants while I am on your site...)
Holy crap. I just came to your site by way of [Screamscape] and I must say that you guys are FREAKING HILARIOUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I have never wanted to go through a [website’s] entire archives section before, but I have a lack of time and strong need to step out into the sun for a spell. Thank you for making me laugh…Just holy crap. Hey hey, you monkees are insane. I love it. And you. Marry me.
I'm upset with you because I have wet my pants so many times reading your website!
Whoever "JCK" is, I'm amazed at his (her) wickedly humorous stabs at coaster
enthusiasts. Please stop being so funny!
First I want to say that this [is] the best story I've read on ARN&R... the best ones always involve B&M :):)…"The Mabinator" has to be the best Mabs name so far. lolo.... :)
-from “a B&M Fan”
Dear ARN&R: We cannot live without you. Especially that JCK. He is so unbelievably dreamy and hot, and he even has a sexy forehead. Please, we beg you, allow us to give him oily backrubs and gratuitous sexual favors all night long, every night. Anything he asks. Please, please, please come frolic in the Absolutely Reliable Hot Tub with us, O Masters of Time, Space, and Infinity. We shall have you and no other. Sincerely, Jessica Alba, Jessica Biel, Kristen Kreuk, and Brooke Langton.
-from “Jessica Alba, Jessica Biel, Kristen Kreuk, and Brooke Langton”
Whew! Thanks for the support, folks. And, yes, these are all actual letters we’ve received. We aim to keep people amused and bring a little sunshine to their otherwise dreary lives, so comments like these make us feel it’s worth all the long, hard hours we spend down in the Absolutely Reliable Salt Mines churning out stories and products for your pleasure. We do notice an alarming trend of our readers soiling and/or missing pants, however, but we aren’t sure how much to be frightened by this development.
Oh, and I guess we should mention, in the interest of avoiding a substantial lawsuit, that we did totally make up the very last one. Jessica, Jessica, Kristen, and Brooke most assuredly did not actually write that letter. You should have seen the unprintable filth they did send. This is a family web page, girls! Sheesh.
Keep the emails coming, folks!
Friday, June 06, 2003
Enthusiast Thrilled by ERT at Coaster Mania
Coaster enthusiast Peter Crisp was seen bowing before the coasters at Cedar Point and giving full tongue kisses to the pavement at the legendary amusement park today, sources tell ARN&R. According to Crisp, “I can’t fathom that I am actually here at the Coaster Mania event. It’s a dream come true. I think I’m going to cry.” Seattle enthusiast Crisp then did indeed begin blubbering uncontrollably, forcing a rescheduling of the interview several minutes later.
Upon suitably composing himself in the bathroom, Crisp, 41, elaborated on his feelings for ARN&R. “It’s an enthusiast’s true hope to go to a great park and get to ride some of their best coasters without the hindrance of a swarm of filthy GP (general public),” he said. “How many of us enthusiasts attend a park on a regular operating day, only to deal with hours of waiting with sweaty morons who like SLC’s and Arrow loopers as much as Shivering Timbers? Crowds of imbeciles are such an affront to those of us who travel from park to park in order just to ride the rides a whole bunch. ERT at parks is our ultimate goal: a really tiny group of great enthusiasts who all get to just stay on the rides all evening without even having to get off. It’s awesome, and Coaster Mania is the absolute best.”
Crisp had spent “an absolutely horrid” previous three days at parks with “disgusting regular patrons” prior to driving to Sandusky. On Tuesday, he spent the day at Silver Dollar City and Celebration City, where crowds were so thin that he rode Wildfire and Ozark Wildcat each over forty times with essentially no line waiting at all. At one point, the Ozark Wildcat line was so miniscule that he rode the fine new woodie eight times without even being made to leave his seat. Following his dreadful time with the wretched non-ERT conditions at these two parks, Crisp visited Six Flags St. Louis and Indiana Beach, where the lack of crowds led to his managing to ride all the coasters at those parks scores of times without any more strenuous activity than scampering from the exit ramp back into an empty seat on the very next train.
Waving his hands in the general direction of the four thousand attendees at Coaster Mania clogging every ERT line for miles upon miles, Crisp cried out, “finally! This is what I’m waiting for! Exclusive Ride Time! No more GP, no more waiting for those slow-ass dummies to get on and off. Now I can just park my butt on Millennium Force, Raptor, or TTD and get all the rides I want all morning and night! Thank God for Cedar Point and its events for the glorious few special coaster lovers!”
As opposed to the dozens and dozens of rides he obtained at dumb regular operating days at stupid parks like Silver Dollar City and Six Flags St. Louis, Crisp managed to use his hours and hours of Exclusive Ride Time at Cedar Point to ride Top Thrill Dragster, Magnum, and Raptor once each. “Cedar Point kicks ass!” he said after waiting only three hours for his Magnum ride and only wading through four thousand Orcas to receive his free buffet. "This is the greatest, most exclusive experience I’ve ever had at a park. I will never go back to any dumb park like the ones I was at this week unless I’m part of a group that gets ERT. I owe it to myself not to wait in lines at those places ever again.”
ARN&R Exclusive: Simon Cowell Vomits On World Class Coaster
For the acid-tongued judge on Fox's American Idol, the hits keep on coming, but not on Busch Gardens' Apollo's Chariot. Simon Cowell, host of the upcoming CBS feature Cupid, reportedly wanted to keep in the public light.
"I figured, if Fabio could extend his pathetic career by a few minutes by getting hit by a bird on a coaster, so could I," said Cowell in an exclusive interview with ARN&R, in which he declared that he would try to repeat Fabio's feat. After several (flawed) attempts at getting hit in the face by a bird, the speed and power of the B&M floorless coaster got the best of him and Simon Cowell vomited uncontrollably, while others aboard the ‘Chariot' apparently remained unconcerned and downright bored.
"I found the total experience to be quite nauseating, to say the least," stated Cowell, who can be seen in the ARN&R exclusive photograph sitting next to his body guard and public relations managers. "If I had to do it all over again, I would rather a fan toss a bird directly in my path the first go round. It is also quite evident that someone paid entirely too much for an on ride photo at my expense and should purchase an ARN&R frame to go along with their evildoing."
Thursday, June 05, 2003
Coaster Preservation Club Great Success; Dozens of Rides Donated
Executives from each of the major amusement park chains and at least a dozen indpendent park operators gathered today in an energetic press conference to throw their support behind the Coaster Preservation Club. Each chain stated that it would donate "starter funds" of $5 million and at least two major functional coasters to go towards the CPC's planned parks in North Carolina, or, perhaps, Indiana.
When we first read the press release announcing the club's beginnings, we knew we wanted to be a part of it," said Gary Story, Six Flags COO. "When we read the club's articulate positioning -- 'Has [sic] we all know parks close and rides are left Standing But not Operating (SBNO), because the park don't [sic] care the rides don't get matained [sic] and end up getting torn down.' -- and heard about their plans for a "small amusement park that will located in North Carolina," we just had to donate Shockwave, Flashback, and essentially every other nonoperational coaster we have in our possession. We're also thinking about just shutting down Six Flags Over Texas so we could donate more."
Paramount Parks agreed, with a spokesman stating that it would donate King Kobra and a year-round maintenance staff, along with free licensing of every trademark it owns. "We just love the idea of a park in Indiana, open year round -- except when it's below freezing, when a behind-the-scenes tour will be offered. It's brilliant! And the fact that it's evidently put together by two fourteen-year-olds just makes it all the more appealing -- it's like Hanson!"
The Paramount and Six Flags representatives then briefly scuffled in a disagreement about whether the park would be in North Carolina or Indiana, but eventually concluded that, although the CBC's website never clearly identifies which location is the goal, the brilliant minds behind CBC must intend to have two parks, given the obvious genius of the plan.
A representative from Universal said the detailed plan set forth was what convinced her company to donate an entire island from Islands of Adventure. "How can you refute the logic of this plan? '1.)Gain support for the Coaster Preservation Club. 2.)Get rides, money from sponsors and donations, and 200 arces [sic] of land. 3.)Start construction and relocate rides. 4.)Open the park.' It's pure unadulterated genius! Plus, the front-page pleading for adult members shows a strategic mind at work."
Story, from Six Flags, pushed his way back to the podium, and praised the great legal strategy laid out by one 'ThunderFun,' evidently the CBC's Grand Poobah: "The List is the list of parks that have violated the CPO's coaster abuse laws. The law is that a rollercoaster cannot remain standing but not operating for more than three months, A rollercoaster that is in storage must be sold off withnin a year's time. If this law is broken, that park(s) will be sue by the CPO,if the that ride is not handed over. Parks in violation are: Six Flags Marine World, Six Flags Magic Mountain, Six Flags America, Paramount's Kings Island, and Camden Park."
"We love to help groups that threaten to sue us based on a law they've almost literally pulled out of their collective ass. In fact, we'll file suit against ourselves!" exclaimed Story. "And we'll donate land in Indiana. Or North Carolina. Whatever."
The press conference then degenerated into chaos as each park chain representative sought to get to the microphone to declare additional contributions to the CBC, and, after a lengthy brawl, the event was declared over.
The CBC's seven members, with an average age of 14 and not one over 15, could not be reached for comment as they were all held after school in detention. In a written announcement, however, they stated that they would be next looking into the Coney Island Thunderbolt, the Idora Wildcat, every coaster ever at Riverside Park in Chicago, and, oddly, a ten-foot Dragon Coaster that once operated at the North Dakota State Fair.
Presley Denied Employment at Libertyland
The fickle breeze of fame blew hard yesterday, as famed Elvis daughter and burgeoning pop icon Lisa Marie Presley was rudely turned down in a bid for employment at Libertyland. Considered by pop music experts to be the single fastest plunge from celebrity to irrelevance in the history of the planet, Presley’s crash to Earth appeared to take her completely by surprise, despite the fact that her complete and utter lack of talent should have made this eventuality an easy one for which to prepare.
Speaking of blowing, Presley, noted in the past primarily for being married to a hairy simian (the loathsome Nicholas Cage) and an insane alien pedophile (Michael Jackson), began yesterday as a pop sensation with several musical hits having been eaten up by a willing and clearly retarded American populace. But then things took a strange and terrible turn: Presley performed live at halftime of the first game of the NBA Finals.
“I bought five copies of her album since she’s related to one great musician and was briefly married to another one,” said Ramona Quince, 45. “She was a heroine of mine. But then I saw her sing ‘Sinking In’ at the basketball game, and I was horrified. For the sake of all that is right and good in the world, that broad can’t sing a lick. That song is awful, and she screeches and brays like a donkey with a hotfoot. I’m going to use my CD’s as Frisbees and drink coasters.”
The sentiment was quickly followed by most of the millions of American imbeciles who purchased this ear-mauling banshee’s records. Within a matter of mere hours, Presley’s album sales had dropped to nonexistent levels, and hordes of crazed music fans were seen burning Presley CD’s in gigantic piles. As she plummeted from pop princess to a useless former icon on the level of Corey Feldman within a span of only five hours, the reviled former diva took the bold step of applying for a new job. Unfortunately, luck was not with her.
“I figured I’d be good in the country music stage show at Libertyland,” admitted Presley. “I can kinda sing, almost. But they wouldn’t hire me. They said I sucked. So I told the managers that I could serve funnel cakes or sell those little glowing things at the end of the day, or even scrape the gum off paths, but they threw me out of the office and called me a ‘no talent ass clown,’ like I was Michael Bolton or something. It was horrible!” Presley then ran home crying to practice caterwauling banal lyrics in a voice as much reminiscent of a horny stray tomcat as possible.
“I’ve never seen anything like this,” said widely disrespected Rolling Stone columnist Joe Levy. “Even Milli Vanilli and Vanilla Ice didn’t fall so far, so quickly. For instance, when people got sick of his shit music, Vanilla Ice almost immediately found work at a county fair as the guy who sits in the dunking tank. I’m surprised that Lisa Marie couldn’t get work at Libertyland due to the fact that her dad used to rent the place out and ride Zippin’ Pippin. She must really have gacked at her audition, dude.”
Michael Jackson has reportedly told Presley that he will hire her to operate the train ride at his Neverland park, as long as she agrees to bring six nubile boys with her per week to “ride his Zipper.”
Posted at 1:06 AM | Link |
Wednesday, June 04, 2003
According to Holiday World, the family of Tamar Fellner (the enthusiast who died at Holiday World on Saturday) has requested that memorial contributions in Tamar’s honor be sent to either of the following:
Temple Beth Shalom
227 E. Mt. Pleasant Ave.
Livingston, NJ 07039
Sexual Assault & Violence Institute Program
Mt. Sinai Hospital NYU Health
1 Gustav L. Levy Place
New York, NY 10029
Stratosphere Announces Eighteen New Rides, Foghorns, Massive Fingers-on-Chalkboard Attraction, Constant Outdoor Linkin Park Concerts
In a dramatic announcement yesterday, Las Vegas's Stratosphere Casino Hotel and Tower introduced eighteen new massive rides to be attached to its enormous tower. It also plans to install twenty enormous outdoor round-the-clock foghorns, a massive outdoor chalkboard with hundreds of fingernails constantly running across it, and a new outdoor stage being built for the newly-booked three-year-run by Linkin Park, with shows starting as early as 5 a.m. and running until 2 a.m. most nights.
"These attractions -- which will generate an average of 120 decibels of sound, peaking at 150 -- will really bring some excitement to this part of the Strip," said spokeswoman Rebecca Bergen. "Plus, we really like screwing with our neighbors. A lot. Their faces get all red and sometimes their incontinence gets a little out of control. That's awesome."
Enthusiast sites were strongly in favor of the attractions, with dozens of forum participants calling complaining neighbors "sensitive wussies" who "don't know the advantages of living next to a great place like that."
Tuesday, June 03, 2003
Universal to Open Ride Starring That Prick From the Verizon Commercials
To the delight of millions around the world, Universal Studios Florida today announced it was beginning construction on an exciting interactive ride. The ride, billed as the first of its kind, will star that repulsive, irritating prick from the Verizon Wireless commercials. Even more delightful will be the fact that the thrilling Sally dark ride will consist of several themed rooms where passengers are invited to blast various sorts of garbage right in the face of this noxious bastard.
“Forget that silly Mommy ride we’re building,” said Universal representative Craig Corleone. “While we think visitors will be amused by it, it is a mere trifle compared to the upcoming interactive experience 'Verizon Wireless Prick 4D: Shower That Little F&%# With Garbage and Sewage.'”
Corleone went on to explain the layout of the ride in general terms. “Obviously, some information about various chambers of horrors is secret and will remain so. However, I can let you know about some aspects of the ride. The vehicles will resemble those of 'Men in Black.' Riders will pass through a variety of rooms with different scenes, and they will have guns on the cars that they use to hose that insufferable tool down over and over again with all sorts of filthy waste products. In one room, riders spray him with pressurized diarrhea, in another they paste him with bile, and in another he takes Imperial gallons worth of raccoon semen right in the kisser. The best room will be one where he reenacts his suave ‘urban’ experience where he quasi-raps with a number of attractive African Americans on a street corner. Riders get to blast him with cubic yards of cat spraint, and they get loads of extra points if they get that cretin in the mouth when he opens it to say ‘Can you hear me now? Good!’ The kids’ll love it. The kids’ll just love it.”
When asked how the Verizon asswipe was chosen as the villain who gets doused with excrement and other special liquids, Corleone was philosophical. “It was a matter of finding someone that inspired such incredible hatred that every human would want to pay loads of cash and be willing to wait in line for days in order to humiliate and torment him. Some of our staff requested George Bush, but we needed someone that all people loathed, not just the ones with half a shred of common sense. So then we thought we could use Saddam Hussein, since basically everyone hates him. That was thwarted when we realized some of our valuable fundamentalist American-hating Islamic visitors might not want to dump garbage on Saddam’s head, and they’d probably take their business to Six Flags Over Shiite-Controlled Iraq instead. We also pondered using Steve Miller, Carrot Top, and Christina Aguilera, but these people inexplicably have a bare handful of supporters. Then it dawned on us. The Verizon prick! Everyone hates him! Except presumably for himself and his mother.”
After pausing for a moment, Corleone said, “No, wait. We checked on that one. That little Verizon c*cksucker’s mother told us she was ‘decidedly neutral’ about her son’s career. So we have one person for him, one who abstains, and then five or six billion who think he’s a total dick. And we hope those five or six billion people come out to fling unspeakable filth on this moron, and give us copious amounts of their dough in the process.”
[Ed. Note: We don't want to be callous regarding the Holiday World accident, and we hope you don't think we are by starting up again today. We plan to keep you updated on any memorials or the like, though if you're counting on us for coaster news in any other context, we'd suggest, well, that you don't. Again, apologies if you think we're back up too soon; we think a little laughter's not a bad thing.]
Posted at 8:25 AM | Link |
Sunday, June 01, 2003
Nothing New Sunday or Monday
Given the death on Saturday at Holiday World of an SRM participant, we're not feeling very funny. So come back later on this week. Our sympathies are with the rider's family, the park and all of its employees, and everyone else affected.
We make fun, but we're all enthusiasts and we're all affected by this. Take care, y'all.
By the way, in case you're really not too sharp, this is satire.
Our favorite review: "as a joke it [ARN&R] wasn't that funny. all of my family take parks very seriuslyand all thow we laffed after time we were apoled by the joke."
Anything you e-mail us is fair game to go on the site or to be used in any other way, including printing it up real big and posting it outside AbsolutelyReliableTowers.
Sorry, your IQ must be this high and your age at least 18 to be among the intended readers of ARN&R. Please enjoy some of our other attractions.
We like gravy and the occasional buffet. The greatest thing ever, however, would be a gravy buffet.