Coaster Preservation Club Great Success; Dozens of Rides Donated

Executives from each of the major amusement park chains and at least a dozen indpendent park operators gathered today in an energetic press conference to throw their support behind the Coaster Preservation Club. Each chain stated that it would donate "starter funds" of $5 million and at least two major functional coasters to go towards the CPC's planned parks in North Carolina, or, perhaps, Indiana.

When we first read the press release announcing the club's beginnings, we knew we wanted to be a part of it," said Gary Story, Six Flags COO. "When we read the club's articulate positioning -- 'Has [sic] we all know parks close and rides are left Standing But not Operating (SBNO), because the park don't [sic] care the rides don't get matained [sic] and end up getting torn down.' -- and heard about their plans for a "small amusement park that will located in North Carolina," we just had to donate Shockwave, Flashback, and essentially every other nonoperational coaster we have in our possession. We're also thinking about just shutting down Six Flags Over Texas so we could donate more."

Paramount Parks agreed, with a spokesman stating that it would donate King Kobra and a year-round maintenance staff, along with free licensing of every trademark it owns. "We just love the idea of a park in Indiana, open year round -- except when it's below freezing, when a behind-the-scenes tour will be offered. It's brilliant! And the fact that it's evidently put together by two fourteen-year-olds just makes it all the more appealing -- it's like Hanson!"

The Paramount and Six Flags representatives then briefly scuffled in a disagreement about whether the park would be in North Carolina or Indiana, but eventually concluded that, although the CBC's website never clearly identifies which location is the goal, the brilliant minds behind CBC must intend to have two parks, given the obvious genius of the plan.

A representative from Universal said the detailed plan set forth was what convinced her company to donate an entire island from Islands of Adventure. "How can you refute the logic of this plan? '1.)Gain support for the Coaster Preservation Club. 2.)Get rides, money from sponsors and donations, and 200 arces [sic] of land. 3.)Start construction and relocate rides. 4.)Open the park.' It's pure unadulterated genius! Plus, the front-page pleading for adult members shows a strategic mind at work."

Story, from Six Flags, pushed his way back to the podium, and praised the great legal strategy laid out by one 'ThunderFun,' evidently the CBC's Grand Poobah: "The List is the list of parks that have violated the CPO's coaster abuse laws. The law is that a rollercoaster cannot remain standing but not operating for more than three months, A rollercoaster that is in storage must be sold off withnin a year's time. If this law is broken, that park(s) will be sue by the CPO,if the that ride is not handed over. Parks in violation are: Six Flags Marine World, Six Flags Magic Mountain, Six Flags America, Paramount's Kings Island, and Camden Park."

"We love to help groups that threaten to sue us based on a law they've almost literally pulled out of their collective ass. In fact, we'll file suit against ourselves!" exclaimed Story. "And we'll donate land in Indiana. Or North Carolina. Whatever."

The press conference then degenerated into chaos as each park chain representative sought to get to the microphone to declare additional contributions to the CBC, and, after a lengthy brawl, the event was declared over.

The CBC's seven members, with an average age of 14 and not one over 15, could not be reached for comment as they were all held after school in detention. In a written announcement, however, they stated that they would be next looking into the Coney Island Thunderbolt, the Idora Wildcat, every coaster ever at Riverside Park in Chicago, and, oddly, a ten-foot Dragon Coaster that once operated at the North Dakota State Fair.

Posted at 1:54 PM | Link | 0 comment(s)

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Presley Denied Employment at Libertyland

The fickle breeze of fame blew hard yesterday, as famed Elvis daughter and burgeoning pop icon Lisa Marie Presley was rudely turned down in a bid for employment at Libertyland. Considered by pop music experts to be the single fastest plunge from celebrity to irrelevance in the history of the planet, Presley’s crash to Earth appeared to take her completely by surprise, despite the fact that her complete and utter lack of talent should have made this eventuality an easy one for which to prepare.

Speaking of blowing, Presley, noted in the past primarily for being married to a hairy simian (the loathsome Nicholas Cage) and an insane alien pedophile (Michael Jackson), began yesterday as a pop sensation with several musical hits having been eaten up by a willing and clearly retarded American populace. But then things took a strange and terrible turn: Presley performed live at halftime of the first game of the NBA Finals.

“I bought five copies of her album since she’s related to one great musician and was briefly married to another one,” said Ramona Quince, 45. “She was a heroine of mine. But then I saw her sing ‘Sinking In’ at the basketball game, and I was horrified. For the sake of all that is right and good in the world, that broad can’t sing a lick. That song is awful, and she screeches and brays like a donkey with a hotfoot. I’m going to use my CD’s as Frisbees and drink coasters.”

The sentiment was quickly followed by most of the millions of American imbeciles who purchased this ear-mauling banshee’s records. Within a matter of mere hours, Presley’s album sales had dropped to nonexistent levels, and hordes of crazed music fans were seen burning Presley CD’s in gigantic piles. As she plummeted from pop princess to a useless former icon on the level of Corey Feldman within a span of only five hours, the reviled former diva took the bold step of applying for a new job. Unfortunately, luck was not with her.

“I figured I’d be good in the country music stage show at Libertyland,” admitted Presley. “I can kinda sing, almost. But they wouldn’t hire me. They said I sucked. So I told the managers that I could serve funnel cakes or sell those little glowing things at the end of the day, or even scrape the gum off paths, but they threw me out of the office and called me a ‘no talent ass clown,’ like I was Michael Bolton or something. It was horrible!” Presley then ran home crying to practice caterwauling banal lyrics in a voice as much reminiscent of a horny stray tomcat as possible.

“I’ve never seen anything like this,” said widely disrespected Rolling Stone columnist Joe Levy. “Even Milli Vanilli and Vanilla Ice didn’t fall so far, so quickly. For instance, when people got sick of his shit music, Vanilla Ice almost immediately found work at a county fair as the guy who sits in the dunking tank. I’m surprised that Lisa Marie couldn’t get work at Libertyland due to the fact that her dad used to rent the place out and ride Zippin’ Pippin. She must really have gacked at her audition, dude.”

Michael Jackson has reportedly told Presley that he will hire her to operate the train ride at his Neverland park, as long as she agrees to bring six nubile boys with her per week to “ride his Zipper.”

--JCK

Posted at 1:06 AM | Link |

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Wednesday, June 04, 2003

 

Do Good

According to Holiday World, the family of Tamar Fellner (the enthusiast who died at Holiday World on Saturday) has requested that memorial contributions in Tamar’s honor be sent to either of the following:

Temple Beth Shalom
227 E. Mt. Pleasant Ave.
Livingston, NJ 07039

Sexual Assault & Violence Institute Program
Mt. Sinai Hospital NYU Health
Box 1670
1 Gustav L. Levy Place
New York, NY 10029

Posted at 2:41 PM | Link | 0 comment(s)

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Stratosphere Announces Eighteen New Rides, Foghorns, Massive Fingers-on-Chalkboard Attraction, Constant Outdoor Linkin Park Concerts

In a dramatic announcement yesterday, Las Vegas's Stratosphere Casino Hotel and Tower introduced eighteen new massive rides to be attached to its enormous tower. It also plans to install twenty enormous outdoor round-the-clock foghorns, a massive outdoor chalkboard with hundreds of fingernails constantly running across it, and a new outdoor stage being built for the newly-booked three-year-run by Linkin Park, with shows starting as early as 5 a.m. and running until 2 a.m. most nights.

"These attractions -- which will generate an average of 120 decibels of sound, peaking at 150 -- will really bring some excitement to this part of the Strip," said spokeswoman Rebecca Bergen. "Plus, we really like screwing with our neighbors. A lot. Their faces get all red and sometimes their incontinence gets a little out of control. That's awesome."

Enthusiast sites were strongly in favor of the attractions, with dozens of forum participants calling complaining neighbors "sensitive wussies" who "don't know the advantages of living next to a great place like that."

Posted at 9:52 AM | Link | 0 comment(s)

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Tuesday, June 03, 2003

 

Universal to Open Ride Starring That Prick From the Verizon Commercials

To the delight of millions around the world, Universal Studios Florida today announced it was beginning construction on an exciting interactive ride. The ride, billed as the first of its kind, will star that repulsive, irritating prick from the Verizon Wireless commercials. Even more delightful will be the fact that the thrilling Sally dark ride will consist of several themed rooms where passengers are invited to blast various sorts of garbage right in the face of this noxious bastard.

“Forget that silly Mommy ride we’re building,” said Universal representative Craig Corleone. “While we think visitors will be amused by it, it is a mere trifle compared to the upcoming interactive experience 'Verizon Wireless Prick 4D: Shower That Little F&%# With Garbage and Sewage.'”

Corleone went on to explain the layout of the ride in general terms. “Obviously, some information about various chambers of horrors is secret and will remain so. However, I can let you know about some aspects of the ride. The vehicles will resemble those of 'Men in Black.' Riders will pass through a variety of rooms with different scenes, and they will have guns on the cars that they use to hose that insufferable tool down over and over again with all sorts of filthy waste products. In one room, riders spray him with pressurized diarrhea, in another they paste him with bile, and in another he takes Imperial gallons worth of raccoon semen right in the kisser. The best room will be one where he reenacts his suave ‘urban’ experience where he quasi-raps with a number of attractive African Americans on a street corner. Riders get to blast him with cubic yards of cat spraint, and they get loads of extra points if they get that cretin in the mouth when he opens it to say ‘Can you hear me now? Good!’ The kids’ll love it. The kids’ll just love it.”

When asked how the Verizon asswipe was chosen as the villain who gets doused with excrement and other special liquids, Corleone was philosophical. “It was a matter of finding someone that inspired such incredible hatred that every human would want to pay loads of cash and be willing to wait in line for days in order to humiliate and torment him. Some of our staff requested George Bush, but we needed someone that all people loathed, not just the ones with half a shred of common sense. So then we thought we could use Saddam Hussein, since basically everyone hates him. That was thwarted when we realized some of our valuable fundamentalist American-hating Islamic visitors might not want to dump garbage on Saddam’s head, and they’d probably take their business to Six Flags Over Shiite-Controlled Iraq instead. We also pondered using Steve Miller, Carrot Top, and Christina Aguilera, but these people inexplicably have a bare handful of supporters. Then it dawned on us. The Verizon prick! Everyone hates him! Except presumably for himself and his mother.”

After pausing for a moment, Corleone said, “No, wait. We checked on that one. That little Verizon c*cksucker’s mother told us she was ‘decidedly neutral’ about her son’s career. So we have one person for him, one who abstains, and then five or six billion who think he’s a total dick. And we hope those five or six billion people come out to fling unspeakable filth on this moron, and give us copious amounts of their dough in the process.”

--JCK

[Ed. Note: We don't want to be callous regarding the Holiday World accident, and we hope you don't think we are by starting up again today. We plan to keep you updated on any memorials or the like, though if you're counting on us for coaster news in any other context, we'd suggest, well, that you don't. Again, apologies if you think we're back up too soon; we think a little laughter's not a bad thing.]

Posted at 8:25 AM | Link |

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Sunday, June 01, 2003

 

Nothing New Sunday or Monday

Given the death on Saturday at Holiday World of an SRM participant, we're not feeling very funny. So come back later on this week. Our sympathies are with the rider's family, the park and all of its employees, and everyone else affected.

We make fun, but we're all enthusiasts and we're all affected by this. Take care, y'all.



--ARN&R

Posted at 4:21 PM | Link | 0 comment(s)

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