Still here. But mostly in 140 characters.
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Saturday, June 28, 2003
 
ACE Coaster Museum Out, ERT Museum In

In what the leaders of the American Coaster Enthusiasts are calling "a nod to their roots," the plans for a roller coaster museum have changed. President Carole Sanderson said, "We are still working on a museum, but instead of roller coaster history it will focus on Exclusive Ride Time (ERT)." Sources indicate that the museum will still have an extensive gravy exhibit.

This pleases younger coaster enthusiasts, many of whom had a hard time grasping why ACE had wanted to preserve the memories of coasters from the past. "Its like, the Crystal Beach Cyclone was the shizzle, and all, but it's gone. All of those old coasters sucked and were unsafe," said Jim Tamey, a fifteen year-old ACE member known as GoliathDogg at Westcoaster.net. "Why talk about that boring crap, anyway? I want to tell people about the 4 hours of in-the-rain ERT I got on Revolution and Colossus."

This kind of bragging is exactly the kind of reaction the ACE Executive Committee had hoped for. "We realize that ACE is mostly now a club for ERT and we want to make sure all of the great countless rides members have had are preserved," said Immediate Past President Bill Linkenheimer III. "I only wish we had not saved that lame Leap the Dips; think how much sooner we could have started this important project."

The museum will be state-of-the-art and combine expensive LED screens with an animatronic Paul Ruben who will extol the virtues of having parks and ride manufacturers pay his way around the world. He will also share the secret of why many ladies consider him their "number one ride." Throughout the building monitors will rotate different stories of great ERT sessions and members visiting the museum can stop and record their own experiences for the museum's planned digital video archive.

The only restriction in the memory project will be that all members must wear outfits considered standard coaster wear. Linkenheimer told ARN&R that each memory must be recorded while wearing at least three of the following items: coaster shirt, coaster hat, coaster fanny back, coaster belt buckle, coaster patch, coaster jacket or an outfit that includes black dress shoes and shorts. "This will be one of the most high-tech museums in existence," the Link-o-matic added excitedly.

When asked where the club had come up with the money for all of these gadgets Sanderson said that because the large collection of P.T.C. trains Tom Rebbie had saved for the museum would not be used in its current format they were auctioned off on Ebay to enthusiasts. "It's a win-win; ACE got money and a couple of enthusiasts got coaster trains for use in their living room," said Sanderson. Rebbie could not be reached for comment and ACE historian Richard Munch was last seen weeping softly in a corner.

The groundbreaking is scheduled for September 2003 and the museum should be up and running by 2005. Dignitaries like Ruben, Eric Minton (sporting a "The Loop" t-shirt), XFan and Coaster Bob are already scheduled for the event. In addition, 2000 metric assloads of gravy, 500 corn dogs and 100 cubic meters of fudge have been ordered to feed enthusiasts. "Because of the amounts we had to order the food a little early, but it will be worth it. The opening of the ACE ERT Museum will truly be our defining moment," said Sanderson.

--FMB

Posted at 2:22 PM | Link | 0 comment(s)

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Friday, June 27, 2003
 
Breaking News: Possible Full-Season Shutdown of TTD "Still Totally Normal!"

In response to Cedar Fair's announcement that Top Thrill Dragster may ultimately be closed for the season, experts throughout the teenage internet coaster enthusiast community continued to declare it "totally normal," as was the breaking of the cable, supports, track, train, train accoutrements, and the station.

"Tell me one ride that, a month after its opening, doesn't have the CEO talking about closing it down for the rest of the season!" exclaimed oft-quoted MeanStrkRulz. "And I'm far from a fanboy! Why, I bet it was part of the park's plans from the start! Just tease people with the ride and then get them to discover great coasters like Mean Streak and Mantis!"

RaptorRulesMySky concurred. "It's only another three or four months in the season, so I don't know why people are getting upset."

Posted at 8:47 AM | Link | 0 comment(s)

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Universal Studios Theme Park Strives To Add Realism To Their Studio Parks

Guests at the Universal Studios theme parks in Hollywood and Orlando will soon see several new additions to both parks' "city streets." In an effort to make the city scenery seem more realistic and believable, Universal is adding panhandlers at every corner and at least one hooker at every intersection.

The make believe bums will be easily recognizable with their bedraggled clothes and crudely lettered cardboard signs. They will beg park patrons for spare change, leer maniacally at busty young women and urinate on themselves or the pavement quite frequently in order to make themselves seem all that more believable. Guests too stubborn to part with their pocket change will get an extra special surprise treat in the form of a "loogie" being "hocked" upon them by the feisty fake freeloaders.

The counterfeit call girls will be a little bit harder to spot since they will blend in with many of Universal's usual female guests. They will strut along the street corners hurling insults at male guests' wives or girlfriends and "flipping the bird" to anyone who gives them a disparaging glance. They will also offer free samples of their "goods and services" to the first ten guests daily who can actually discern them from the regular crowd of "interesting" women that frequent the Universal Studios parks.

Universal is not stopping there though. Their artists are also decorating the streets and sidewalks to truly make guests feel like they never left their hometown. They have recently been very busy laying down miscellaneous litter, broken bottles, used hypodermic needles, used contraceptives, human and animal feces, old mattresses and discarded major appliances. In addition, they have been spray-painting obscenities and lewd pictures onto various buildings throughout their parks in order to complete the illusion.

Universal anticipates introducing their newest street performers steadily throughout the summer months. Auditions will be held on Tuesday mornings starting on July 8th. All interested persons should contact the Universal Studios theme parks division human resources department or stop by the guest services booth at any Universal theme park.

--JWS

Posted at 8:37 AM | Link | 0 comment(s)

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Thursday, June 26, 2003
 
First Annual AbsolutelyReliable Con a Spectacular Success
Day One

Amid much hand wringing and flop sweating, the good folks at Absolutely Reliable News & Rumors managed to pull off their First Annual AbsolutelyReliable Con without a hitch. With the kind of success the event had in its very first try, we can almost certainly expect this to be an annual treat. ARN&R here features an exclusive report on the exciting event; due to our superb connections in the industry, and amongst websites that gleefully taunt the industry, we were easily able to have our reporters to the scoop. And to make it a double helping of Ben & Jerry’s Brownie Batter, actually.

Although most amusement industry insiders felt that ARN&R was "pretty damn stupid" to throw a big event immediately following the ACE Conference, and completely on the other side of the country, the naysayers were proven to be big poopy heads when AbsolutelyReliable Con ended up drawing over 1000 participants from all over the globe. Enthusiasts flocked from the United States, Canada, Europe, Asia, Africa, and Australia, though we were saddened to note that not a single coaster lover from Antarctica or Djibouti graced us with their presence.

AbsolutelyReliable Con kicked off with a welcoming buffet featuring the requisite buckets of meat, trowels of lard, and metric assloads of gravy required at all coaster enthusiast functions. Of course, members of the AbsolutelyReliableClub received first dibs on which whole deep-fried fowl they wished to sink their quivering jowls into. Most ARN&R Club members selected turkeys, though some members opted for a pheasant, goose, or a whole ostrich of their very own. Despite some whining from non-Club members that some ARN&R Club members were sneaking off with more than one game bird each, there ended up being plenty of dribbling, succulent flesh for all.

After the orgy of grease slurping, participants were welcomed to the event and given a schedule of wacky shenanigans for the rest of the Con. Then everyone was off for three hours of Dance Dance Revolution ERT. A few people asked why no coasters were featured, but the answer was quite simple: 1) The event was held at the Absolutely Reliable Corporate Mega-Campus in Portland, Oregon, a location that does not have any rides, and 2) An overwhelming majority of our Coasterbuzz fans stressed that they would much rather heave and ooze on the DDR machine than ride a stupid coaster or whatever. The DDR topic there lasted 28 pages, after all.

A wide variety of special activities awaited Con attendees the next day. As was the case with ACE, we didn’t succeed in obtaining Helen Hunt’s services for the Con, but at least we weren’t dumb enough to bother asking. Instead, attendees were treated to Hunt movies As Good As It Gets and The Waterdance, but not Rollercoaster. Although it seemed potentially topical to include that movie in the activities, the decision was made not to show it, primarily due to the fact that it sucks.

Afterward, attendees were treated to a surprise buffet table ERT, catered by Dollywood and featuring all those succulent treats like Deep-Fried Big Macs On A Stick With Ranch Dressing and the World-Famous All-U-Can-Eat Suet Buffet that make them true friends to ACErs everywhere. The evening was filled with seven straight marvelous hours of Enthusiass Rambling Time (ERT), which consisted of nonstop bitching and whining about how little parks do for ACE members, demanding Exclusive Ride Time and gifts from parks, rambling on about top coaster lists, and generally behaving in a way that ensured no attendee would ever be invited to another amusement park event ever again. It was truly outstanding.


[Ed. Note: Due to the volume of exclusive information about this Con, it's up in three separate posts. Read on...]

Posted at 10:48 AM | Link | 0 comment(s)

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AbsolutelyReliable Con - Day Two

The next day primarily featured a slew of guest speakers. To begin the day, AbsolutelyReliable Con brought in a number of exalted guests from the hallowed halls of the American Coaster Enthusiasts. First up were a group of editors and writers for Rollercoaster Magazine. A fascinating discussion of pertinent and exciting topics ensued. The editors were happy to ignore questions about why the magazine continues to be published about five months late each issue, despite the fact that the editor is now paid and also has new assistant editors helping out ("It’s that darn cat still eating issues," claimed the editor in chief, off the record). When queried about whether the magazine would continue to include staggeringly offensive and inappropriate jokes comparing moderately uncomfortable hotels to concentration camps (RC Issue 84, p. 21) (sadly, we're serious), the staff said that they had enjoyed the response over the new issue and would strongly consider adding black jokes and perhaps some interviews with Strom Thurmond and David Duke in upcoming issues. "We're also hoping to make fun of non-native employees at U.S. parks!" exclaimed one editor.

After the rotted fruits and vegetables were cleaned from the faces of the RC Magazine staff and the surrounding area, it was time for seminar by ACE News staffers titled "How to Just Make Crap Up For Your Story." A breakdown of a particular article (ACE News May-June 2003, p. 9) showed how, in order to fulfill a bizarre sense of state pride, authors are allowed to "tweak" the facts in a story. The opinion was, if writers for the New York Times and Boston Globe can make crap up, why not just let it slide when a writer for an official ACE publication claims that California has six B&M coasters and Florida has only five? (ARN&R spies report the apparently top-secret information that Florida contains Kraken, Fire Dragon, Ice Dragon, Hulk, Montu, and Kumba, which our top staff physicists and chaos theoreticians assure us is…six coasters.) ACE News also helpfully provided a second seminar, titled "How to Maintain Credibility as a Major Industry Publication Despite Several Articles Dismissing or Complaining About Almost Universally Loved B&M Coasters in One Issue."

Finally, several members of the ACE Executive Junta gave a revealing Q&A where most of the questions focused on them forgetting to pay rent on the ACE offices and then getting booted out in the rain. The evening was spent with three hours of Following Around the Four Almost-Attractive Female Coaster Enthusiast Chicks at This Event in a Hopeless and Fairly Stalkerish Manner ERT.

Posted at 10:47 AM | Link | 0 comment(s)

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AbsolutelyReliable Con - Day Three

The final day was chock full of fun and merriment. It began with group panel discussions. First off were Lee Coaster, Xfan, Roarfan, and Mrceagle, in a forum titled "How to Make Yourself Look Like a Complete Buffoon by Using Awful Grammar in Your Rabid Hate Mail and Posts About Silly Satire Sites." Then, after a nutritious all-you-can-eat lunch of Banana Splits With Krispy Kreme Donuts, attendees returned for the seminar called "Mercilessly Shredding the Coaster Preservation Organization a new @%$hole," with Coastplaya, coasterphil, and Teknoscorpion, along with special appearances from the ARN&R staff. The final session, "How to Become as Brilliant, Attractive, and Hysterically Amusing as the Staff of ARN&R," featuring writers and editors of the website, unfortunately had an audience of exactly zero persons, a puzzling occurrence.

Although ACE came up with the idea for a pajama party at CoasterCon this year, ARN&R wasn’t above stealing it. Of course, instead of featuring an onslaught of horrifying be-pajama’d enthusiast gristle all night, our pajama party featured Jessica Alba, Halle Barry, Jennifer Connelly, Kristen Kreuk, and Parker Posey. ARN&R staffers report that the organizers will be unable to hire most of these nightie-wearing hot babes next year unless the ARN&R Shoppe does especially brisk business this summer, so start forking over those dead presidents unless you want to see dozens of writhing, pasty enthusiast butts instead.

--JCK

Posted at 10:47 AM | Link | 0 comment(s)

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Whitewater West Industries To Introduce Spinning Rapids Restroom Ride

Canada's Whitewater West Industries, creators of the fun and hugely popular spinning rapids flume rides showing up at some Six Flags theme parks this year, are hard at work on their next major thrill ride concept, 'The Whirling Twirling White Water Toilet Tornado Ride.'

In an effort to expand theme park fun beyond its traditional boundaries, Whitewater is focusing on raising the thrill factor in other areas of the amusement park besides the usual thrill-packed midway rides and attractions.

Surveys conducted by Whitewater found that theme park guests spend an average of thirty-three minutes per day in the park's restrooms. (It should be noted that, for reasons unknown, the same research demonstrates that guests at Six Flags parks spend a significantly higher portion of their day in the restroom than guests at other parks do.) Based on this statistic, Whitewater set out to develop an attraction to optimize that restroom time and make it just as thrilling as every other minute spent in the park. The result of Whitewater's quest for restroom thrills is 'The Whirling Twirling White Water Toilet Tornado Ride.'

Guests take their seats on what appears to be just a normal toilet. It's white, it's porcelain and it's full of water, but that is where the similarities end. As soon as guests park their rears, the real fun begins. The water starts swirling, slowly building up momentum until it becomes a raging whirl of white water rapids. Geysers shoot up in all directions soaking riders with urine-enhanced splashes, sprays and spouts. Then, for the coup de grace, the toilet starts spinning, ever so slightly at first. As the toilet accelerates, high-speed wind machines strategically hidden throughout the restroom provide a very realistic hurricane-force wind shear that sprays water and human feces out in all directions.

"It is a very climactic finish to one hell of a great ride," boasted Stuart Burns, vice president and general manager of Whitewater. "We are very confident that the Toilet Tornado will leave your guests screaming for more, or at least screaming. Trust us, they will want to ride the Toilet Tornado again and again. Expect your guests' T.S.I.B. [Ed.: time-spent-in-bathrooms] to increase dramatically."

The 'Whirling Twirling White Water Toilet Tornado Ride' prototype is currently being tested at Whitewater's corporate offices in Richmond, British Columbia, Canada. Tests are going extremely well and Whitewater plans to start installing the Toilet Tornados in parks as early as spring, 2004.

Hersheypark will be the first park to install a Toilet Tornado. It will be aptly named 'The Hershey Homesteader Hurricane' and it will be conveniently located in the Pioneer Frontier section of the park next door to the Taco Bell restaurant.

--JWS

Posted at 9:24 AM | Link | 0 comment(s)

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Wednesday, June 25, 2003
 
CPO Opens New Shelter for Battered and Abused Coasters

The famed Coaster Preservation Organization (formerly Coaster Preservation Club) has branched out beyond rescuing abandoned coasters and suing parks that leave coasters standing but not operating for four months or more. On Monday, June 23rd, it unveiled blueprints for a new shelter specifically to aid abused and battered coasters.

“I was shocked when a friend told me the sad story of Rolling Thunder at Six Flags Great Adventure,” said Lee Coaster, Chairman, President, and CEO of the CPO (formerly CPC). “When I heard about this once-noble coaster without fresh paint, running on dry rails, operating day-to-day at the mercy of cold, uncaring Ride Operators, I knew the CPO (formerly CPC) had to step in and do something."

The center, to be located in North Dakota, or perhaps Louisiana, is designed to house coasters which have escaped from their current tormenters. “As we all know, some of these great rides will suffer from 'Battered Coaster Syndrome,' and may not have the confidence or courage to escape. We are here to help them with a confidential rescue program.”

Once at the center, coasters will be re-painted, oiled, and stroked lovingly. Assertiveness Training and Self-Defense classes will also be offered to coasters to help them “get back on their feet again.”

Most abused coasters are afraid to press charges against their owners, so there is little to no media coverage or court records of this abuse. A hopeful Lee Coaster said, “We’re going to turn this around – one coaster at a time.”

--MMS

Posted at 9:35 AM | Link | 0 comment(s)

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Tuesday, June 24, 2003
 
Coasterbuzz Flame War Ensues Over Attempt to Count Montezooma

A monster controversy has been bubbling out of the turgid bowels of Coasterbuzz this past week, following the discovery that a man with the CB handle “CPistotallythebestandallotherparkssuck6” had actually credited the Paramount’s Great America shuttle loop Montezooma’s Revenge on his CB profile’s coaster count despite freely admitting that he has never traveled west of Minnesota.

“This is such a load of s#&%,” opined Jerry Baldwin, 36. “Why is he bothering to lie to us? So immature. I hope I’m never so desperate for the attention a big coaster count brings that I stoop to such stupidity as to inflate my numbers with coasters I haven’t actually been on.” Baldwin then ran off to begin his four-day vacation to Santa Land, Story Land, and Funworld Game Center, each a New Hampshire park widely spaced from any other and featuring a single kid’s or family roller coaster.

CPistotallythebestandallotherparkssuck6 sprinted forth to unload his side of the story. “It’s legit. I experienced Montezooma’s Revenge in all its fury. No lie. I was driving down I-95 to visit some pals in South Carolina and I stopped off at South of the Border for a few Pedroland rides and some tacos at Pedro’s Diner. Everything seemed okay, but then, as I was riding that awesome sombrero into the night sky, it hit me. Damn, did it hit me. Can you say ‘Los Trots?’ I was in the baño for three hours screaming and grunting and burning a hole through Pedro’s third-world white thrones. Cramps, chills, queasiness, and imperial gallons of explosive, fiery diarrhea…dude, it sucked. And I had to run pay homage to the porcelain god from one end or another eleven times in the next two days.”

He added, “so don’t try to deny my credit for Montezooma’s Revenge. Maybe it rode me instead of the other way around, but I’ve had just as much shuttle launching as any of those morons who’ve been to Great America. I was just getting the shuttle launching through my ass, but it counts the same.”

Discussion on Coasterbuzz has primarily favored the viewpoint that the Montezooma’s Revenge sufferer is a “lying coaster count jackass,” though minority opinions have held that he is a “wanker” and “a complete tool.” South of the Border employees tell ARN&R that the taco meat they use consists only of the finest cockroach larvae, toenails, and rat schlongs, and they don’t know why on Earth anyone would blame their tasty product for any anal agony whatsoever.

--JCK

Posted at 6:40 PM | Link | 0 comment(s)

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Sneetch Pox Outbreak Traced to Islands of Adventure

Scientists around the world heaved a collective sigh of relief from their manly bosoms this morning, as the troublesome outbreak of Sneetch Pox was traced definitively to one source, Islands of Adventure amusement park. Said Roger Cratchov of the Centers for Disease Control, "we've managed to isolate this disease to one location, and expect it to be eradicated within a matter of days. It's a victory for world health."

Experts describe Sneetch Pox as a non-deadly but most embarrassing condition which causes massive breakouts of hives in a star pattern all over the stomach and chest of the victim. "This pox totally sucks," said Fondlyn Cox, 23, a recent sufferer of the condition. "It itches to all hell, and the kids without the frickin' pox won't let me hang out with them since it's contagious or something." Cox then furtively scratched at herself in an unseemly fashion.

"I told my son not to play with those Sneetches on the beaches," said Harry Ball, 45. "But he did it anyway. Then it spread to our whole tour group in a matter of minutes. Augh! It burns! It burns!"

Once it was learned that all victims of the Sneetch Pox had, not really so inexplicably, contracted the condition within hours of visiting Islands of Adventure and its Seuss-themed area, doctors quarantined the area, crushing the pox outbreak with one swift stroke. Although the infestation appears to be contained, all those who have ridden a Sneetch or played with one in the past week are urged to receive their shots at a nearby clinic just to be sure. Those who have been infected have been reporting a return to normal after about two weeks of itching, burning, and swelling. Rectal discomfort may persist for up to three months no matter what the treatment, of course.

"Lots of rest, liquids, and reading stupid fake coaster rumor sites will soon have these sufferers back as the best on the beaches despite these Sneetches!" said Cratchov, in a moment of unprecedented levity.

--JCK

Posted at 1:02 AM | Link | 0 comment(s)

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Sunday, June 22, 2003
 
B&M Unveils Plans For New Floorless, Trackless, Trainless, Stationless Coaster

Swiss roller coaster designers, Walter Bolliger and Claude Mabillard, held a press conference today in Truth Or Consequence, New Mexico to announce plans for their exciting new "Zero-Dimension" roller coaster concept.

Mabillard shared some details of the new ride concept with ARN&R in an exclusive interview:

"The 'Zero-Dimension' coaster will add a thrilling new twist to roller coaster riding. It will be the first floorless, trackless, trainless, stationless coaster in the world. Riders will line up in a seemingly never-ending twisting, turning queue full of crossovers, high-banked turns and steep drops. They will zigzag back and forth up and down each lane of the queue at speeds of up to twelve miles an hour, if patrons have world-class sprinting speed."

The ride will culminate with a 540-degree horizontal loop element leading straight into a breathtaking backwards double corkscrew. Riders will then be dropped gently onto the asphalt at the opposite end of the queue line from where they started. With a ride time of just under fifty-three minutes, B&M expects that the coaster could accommodate up to 300 guests per hour.

Bolliger went on to speak about the ride's relatively small footprint and very attractive price tag.

"The "Zero-Dimension" is very compact and does not require acres and acres and acres of land. In fact, the most basic blueprint of the coaster would require less than one acre of land to construct. The price is certainly right, also, with a cost of just $5.5 million for the most basic layout. When is the last time that you could purchase a B&M coaster for that price?" queried Bolliger.

Members of ACE and several other coaster clubs who were present at the press conference were obviously very excited about the "Zero-Dimension" roller coaster concept. Before Bolliger and Mabillard were even finished speaking, enthusiasts could already be heard chattering amongst themselves about how the "Zero-Dimension" roller coaster was their new favorite roller coaster and arguing about whether or not this new ride would count as a credit. The arguments escalated to slap boxing and hair pulling until Bolliger and Mabillard suggested that everyone wait until the ride was actually built before making any determinations about it.

Several "Zero-Dimension" coasters have already been ordered by the Six Flags Corporation, which plans to open the first such coaster as an up-charge attraction at Six Flags America for the 2004 season. It will be called 'Wonder Woman's Lame-Ass Line Dance' and, evidently in a response to recent litigation, will be the first Six Flags attraction to feature Wonder Woman's name and likeness.

"What the hell, we've got the extra land," quipped Six Flags America vice-president and general manager, Janet Porter. "Why not fill it up with more useless, but super expensive, crap rides?"

--JWS

Posted at 10:40 PM | Link | 0 comment(s)

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By the way, in case you're really not too sharp, this is satire.

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