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Friday, July 25, 2003
Enthusiast Disease Discovered, Named
The Journal of the American Medical Association published the results of a study that identifies and, for the first time, names a newly-discovered disease afflicting many in the coaster enthusiast community.
Dr. Dikembe Billy-Bob Rittenhouse Arjumand Ktulu-Lieberman Svenson III of the Mayo Clinic has studied social disorders for the past several years, doing much of his field studies at ACE events.
"Font of Useless Knowledge Syndrome," or "FUKS," is a disease that strikes certain areas of the population, rendering them socially intolerable.
"What we have here is a classic case of someone knowing so many details about a trivial matter that they cannot cope with normal people not knowing what they consider obvious facts." explains Dr. Rittenhouse Arjumand Ktulu-Lieberman Svenson III. "The advent of the Internet seems to have allowed this syndrome to thrive." Symptoms include acne, pale skin, and the inability to spell the word 'definitely.' FUKS severely hampers social skills in its victims, rendering them incapable of basic social graces such as introducing themselves with real names, shaking hands without drooling, and speaking without using acronyms repeatedly in their sentences.
Dr. Rittenhouse Arjumand Ktulu-Lieberman Svenson III has developed a six-week treatment program to counteract this terrible affliction. "First, we encourage our patients to engage in conversations about things like the weather. We deny them Internet access and forbid message board and instant-messaging capability. A remedial dating class, successful in treating developmentally challenged people, has proved successful in treating FUKS sufferers as well. Our ultimate goal, of course, is to see that these people get a f*cking life."
Thursday, July 24, 2003
First Annual AbsolutelyReliable Excellence in Narcissism Award Presented Today
As many as two people came to the AbsolutelyReliable Rose Garden and Sculpture Walkway in Washington, DC today, in order to view the hated-by-dozens website's First Annual Excellence in Narcissim Award presentation. The recipient was a Mr. Gordon Beeferman.
"Mr. Beeferman was the logical choice for this exceptional award," said the Editor-in-Chief. "One of our writers made up this wacky story about a petting zoo goat running amok at Wild Adventures park, and one of the names appearing for a completely made-up and utterly nonsensical character was 'Gordon Beeferman.' We never would have thought about it again, except this real guy named 'Gordon Beeferman' actually assumed we were talking about him. Sheesh, what an ego!"
ARN&R has obtained an exclusive copy of the email from this Mr. Beeferman, who perhaps was unconcerned with our disclaimer on the webpage that states we can use anything people send to us in any fashion we want:
> did you get my name and why are you using it in your website
"Initially, ARN&R was concerned that there was, somehow, by some astounding coincidence, an actual 'Gordon Beeferman' who worked for PETA, and we'd be forced to change the story," said the writer JCK. "So we called up PETA to check and see about whether he worked there, and they laughed at us and said, 'Beeferman? But I hardly even know 'er, man!' It turns out the guy who wrote to us is a classical composer with a website, and is obviously not the guy we're talking about. That takes some cojones to assume that you are the only person in the history of the planet Earth to ever have the name Gordon Beeferman and write in to us, so we had to create this award for the boy."
Sources tell ARN&R that every other real person who has a name correlate by accident with any name ever used within the website-- particularly Jack Meoff, Buster Hyman, and Mike Hunt-- is also quite upset with ARN&R and will be joining forces with Beeferman to frighten ARN&R staff members with recordings of Sonata Bombastica and Now No One Will Listen to Songs in an effort to force our writers to use only names that could not conceivably also belong coincidentally to any other human born since records have been kept.
"My next story will feature a character named Dikembe Billy-Bob Rittenhouse Arjumand Ktulu-Lieberman Svenson III," said ARN&R writer MMS. "My extensive research tells me that we are less likely to get irritated emails by using names like this instead of, say, 'John Smith,' or perhaps 'George W. Bush.'"
The Editor-in-Chief noted that "the review about how the 'program appears to be a spontaneous creation by the artists who probe into unlit corners and explore an underworld of sound filled with foreboding warnings of doom' has me pretty creeped out. I will demand that our writers use the name 'Gordo Porkerman' instead of 'Gordon Beeferman' in all further posts, so that we don't have to experience any of this 'probing into unlit corners' ourselves."
[Author's Note: We are assuming Mr. Beeferman should be thankful that this article has appeared, as it is sure to increase hits to his website by at least 2 or 3 curious people who linked over from ARN&R.]
Wednesday, July 23, 2003
Dutch Wonderland Outed
Dutch Wonderland Family Amusement Park located near Lancaster, Pennsylvania was officially outed yesterday on the E! Entertainment Television Web site. It has been rumored for years that the park might be hiding its true sexual orientation in order to maintain its family image, but the park has continuously denied these accusations and insisted that it is really "just very happy, but definitely not gay."
However, when E! reporters spotted Dutch Wonderland recently, at a Cher concert, holding hands with The Enchanted Forest (of Turner, Oregon) and singing I Got You Babe as the two parks gazed lovingly into each other's eyes, there was no denying that Dutch Wonderland is, in fact, very very gay. Upon being confronted by E! reporters, Dutch Wonderland immediately burst into tears and ran out of the concert without even waiting for the encore, which any Cher fan will tell you, is the most fab part of the show and absolutely should not be missed no matter what.
"He ran straight to his fuchsia colored convertible Volkswagen Beetle screaming all the way in a very lispy voice 'I just want to be happy, oh please just let me be happy,'" a witness said.
ACE member, Barney Kugler, was not at all surprised by the park's recent outing. "I've been posting for years to every rollercoaster and amusement park newsgroup that I could find that Dutch Wonderland is the gayest park I've ever been to," said Barney. "I mean, come on, it has a roller coaster named 'Sky Princess' and a boat ride named 'The Lady Gay River Boat.' How much more proof do you need? Oh yeah, Cedar Point and Magic Mountain are way gay too."
Park guest, Sandy Maplethorpe, also sensed something was a little swishy with Dutch Wonderland during a recent visit to the park. "Of course I had my suspicions," said Sandy. "The park is just packed full of 'fairy' tale characters and its mascots are a 'fairy' princess and a purple dragon, for crying out loud. A purple dragon? You can't get much gayer than that."
Dutch Wonderland could not immediately be reached for comment, but the park's mother, Hersheypark, issued a statement begging the public not to rush to judgment against her son. "He's such a sweet boy. So what if he's just a little bit gay? It's probably just a phase he's going through, or maybe he was just experimenting. Please, just wait until you have all of the facts before you condemn my sweet sweet boy," pleaded Mrs. Hersheypark.
In related news, nineteen-year-old Phish fan Ben Connolly of St. Paul, Minnesota, stated that "Valleyfair was totally baked when they designed that new coaster, dude."
Tuesday, July 22, 2003
Cedar Point Adds All-You-Can-Eat Buffet To Top Thrill Dragster Queue
Trying to capitalize on the absolutely insane amount of time that Cedar Point guests will actually wait in line to ride Top Thrill Dragster, and in an effort to avoid having park patrons pass out from lack of nourishment while they wait for up to eight hours in said line, Cedar Point proudly introduced the all new 'Top Swill Snackster All-You-Can-Eat Buffet' this past Monday, July 21st.
While waiting in line for Top Thrill Dragster, park guests will now have the opportunity to purchase a plate and pile it high over and over again with goodies from the rows and rows of buffet tables that weave up and down each wakway throughout the entire Top Thrill Dragster queue.
Buffet selections currently include mountains of country-fried chicken, steak and ham, mashed potatoes, baked beans, string beans, corn-on-the-cob, rivers of beef and chicken flavored gravy, plenty of dinner rolls and so much more. A full selection of desserts including puddings, pies and cakes are also available for an extra charge. Need a soft drink to wash it all down? No problem, soft drinks are available too.
"This is just what we needed to complete the Top Thrill Dragster line experience," said Cedar Point general manager, Daniel Keller. "Now guests will never have to leave the Top Thrill Dragster line again except when they want to take a Top Thrill Dragster bathroom break. We here at Cedar Point are very excited about this new addition to the park and judging by how many vats of gravy we've gone through in the past three days, coaster lovers must be excited about it too," added Keller. "We've been having some trouble with the soda fountain's technology -- Intamin made it, you see -- but that'll be worked out shortly, we're sure of it."
Coaster enthusiasts around the country couldn't be happier. American Coaster Enthusiast (ACE) member Frank Lunder summed it all up pretty well when he mumbled, in between platefuls of fried chicken and mashed potatoes, with beef gravy drizzling down both of his chins, "Mmmm, coaster good... gravy better."
'Top Swill Snackster' is now open daily at Cedar Point from 11:00 a.m. until 8:00 p.m. The cost is $15.95 per person. Add an additional $4.00 per person if you also would like unlimited soft drinks and desserts.
Monday, July 21, 2003
Headquarters Accommodations for ACE CoasterCon Chosen
Among the most exciting announcements made each year by the American Coaster Enthusiasts are the location of the host parks for a CoasterCon, provided the previous year, and the actual dates of the Con, often sent to members as much as several minutes before the event begins. In recent years, an added bonus thrill has been produced with the listing of accommodations offered to ACE members in the vicinity of a big national event. At a press conference this morning, the ACE Executive Junta proved itself really ‘on the ball’ by announcing the headquarters hotel for the entire 2004 CoasterCon: the Valley Rest Inn in New Lebanon, New York.
Scheduled for next June 20-25, the Con had many ACE members worried, as housing in the vicinity of Cedar Point, one of the host parks, can be expensive and hard to find during the summer.
“Thank goodness they got this one rolling so fast,” said member Peter Gibbons, 33. “I was worried about getting stuck somewhere really expensive or located too far from the [exclusive ride time]. Now, I know that ACE members will pay only 52 to 82 dollars a night at the lovely Valley Rest Motel, as long as we book within the next month.”
“We’re always looking to help out our members with great discounts and convenient locations for the headquarters hotel,” said ACE Interim Vice Dictator for Life Mark Cole. “Everyone remembers how cheap and convenient it was to stay at that wonderful hotel an hour and a half from either park at the California Con that Helen Hunt wouldn’t come to. And we made sure to get the most expensive hotel near Hersheypark and get a reduced rate that’s pretty much exactly the same as the regular rate, while enterprising ACE members not mentioning their club affiliation found decent accommodations all over the area. Next year promises to be even more spectacular than those kick-ass experiences!”
Cole then dramatically unveiled the photo of the Valley Rest Inn and spoke on: “Located only nine and a half hours one way from Sandusky, the Valley Rest will be the location of our ACE General Store, video and photo contests, speakers, and luxurious banquet, all to be held in the uneven dirt parking lot of the motel. Valley Rest has fourteen rooms. This might seem like very few rooms, but since we’ve been using that eCRIBB roommate request forum at the ACE website, we’ve realized just how many unwashed, rambling freaks want to room with each other at events since they have no friends to take along…we’ll just throw thirty or forty of these slobs in one room together and give ‘em a chance to breed!”
Valley Rest Motel owner Samir Nayeenanajar noted that he was pleased at getting this conference business, since “the only people who normally use the motel are heroin junkies and truckers looking to bang a hooker real quick before getting back on the road.” He went on to say, “each room provides a great variety of unusual wildlife not seen in typical hotels…ACE members will be amazed by our giant spiders, caterpillars, flies, gnats, fist-sized mosquitoes, and rats. Also, the varieties of fungus cultivated in the showers, toilets, floor, and bed sheets by our master maid-scientists are expected to amaze these coaster lovers more than any ride designed by Intamin. Our staff will ‘pre-obliterate’ all the commodes before ACErs arrive so as to demonstrate the strength of our porcelain. And the towels have that all-natural ‘not laundered after their last use by a herpes-infected crack whore’ appeal. Please note that ice will be two dollars per bag, we don’t have a night manager available for check-in after 11:OO PM, the windows have no locks, and there is only refreshing freezing cold water in the bathrooms, all for your safety and convenience. Plus, our entire staff, male and female, have mullets, which will make the ACE members feel right at home, and there are superb crystal meth dealers and butt-ugly dollar-whores in the vicinity.”
Cole gave ACE members a stern talking-to during his speech. “We hear lots of complaining about accommodations,” he said sternly. “However, we assure members we always do the absolute best we can to make their Con more fun and financially feasible, and we will tolerate no complaints and bitchings from our surly underlings…er…ACE members. This is the best location we could find at a decent price, so don’t even think of whining to us about stepping in a puddle of trucker semen, having difficulties flushing the giant turd the maid left in your toilet, or having the huge spiders in your room cocoon you alive and gradually feed off your bodily juices over a period of several weeks.”
Cole concluded with the following: “ACE members staying at the Valley Rest Motel should, of course, receive a number of important inoculations before staying at our headquarters hotel…we recommend shots or preparatory treatment kits for Malaria, Typhus, Crotch Rot, Crabs, Rabies, Dysentery, Ringworm, and Giant Parasitic Worms Crawling Up Your Butt and Spawning Flesh-Eating Larvae.”
[Author’s Note: Interestingly, a motel website for the New Lebanon area lists the ACE Headquarters Hotel, Valley Rest, along with numerous others on a page for, and we quote:
CLEAN ... SAFE LODGING AT "AFFORDABLE" PRICES.
For those of you unfamiliar with the English language, this actually means that lodging is available at ‘so-called affordable’ prices, meaning it is not affordable at all. Although, in that case, perhaps it would be more factually correct to have the listing as follows: “Clean” “Safe” “Lodging” at “Affordable” Prices.]
It's Official: Some People Like Robb Alvey and Elissa White, Some Don't
Thanks to all of the incredibly gifted and brilliant minds over at rec.roller-coaster, the roller coaster enthusiast world will no longer have to wonder about one of the most intriguing mysteries of all time. For it has been solved.
After months and months of debate and thread after hate-spewing thread of useless, inane chatter and childish name calling, it can now safely and assuredly be said that some people like Robb Alvey and Elissa White and some people just don't.
Experts poured over the evidence for month after agonizing month looking for the answer to this puzzling perplexity. They painstakingly analyzed post after post, thread after thread, message after message looking for clues to guide them along in their quest for this supreme knowledge. They interviewed hundreds of witnesses dozens of times each. They watched hour after hour of roller coaster POV video footage and studied countless incidents of wild and wacky antics between Robb, Elissa and their 'so-called' fiends. Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, the experts reached a startling consensus on this ever so important issue. Some people like Robb Alvey and Elissa White and some people just don't.
Expert on everything and frequent rec.roller-coaster poster, Marvin Jacobson, had this to say about the oh-so-surprising recent revelation:
"I already knew that. It's really just a matter of simple mathematics. Flip a coin 100 times and, on average, it'll land on heads 50 times and on tails 50 times unless you have some super mind control power that allows you to control how the coin will land, like I have. But, if you aren't gifted with mind control like me, then half the time you'll get one result and the other half you'll get another result. Although, I guess there is also a slim possibility that the coin could land sideways on its edge. Yeah, I guess that could happen too. Or, possibly, you might flip the coin up so high that it would leave the gravitational pull of the Earth and just keep flipping around forever never landing on heads or tails. I guess that could also happen. But, anyway, what were we talking about?"
Experts around the world are quite relieved that this dilemma has finally been resolved. Now, they can move on and concentrate on solving some more of the important mysteries of life like which is the best digital camera, does Six Flags America management sit around all day watching BET, and is Justin gay, or is he just a really sexy bitch?
Sunday, July 20, 2003
More Wacky Fun With Search Engines
Every now and again we do enjoy examining exactly who comes to visit our site and how on earth they got there. (There is no known scientific method for determining why, in the name of all that is holy, some of them actually even come back, but there are indeed a handful of these desperate souls.) Of late, the following searches have led unlucky folks to the hallowed halls of ARN&R:
Denise Richards Scratching Herself
How fortunate it is that we thought to make fun of people looking online for bizarre celebrity behavior months ago, and managed to include a phrase that someone (who we are more than a little frightened of) actually typed into Google! Welcome, O Strange Human With Really Weird Fetish Interests!
Kristen Kreuk naked
Sorry, young perverts! We have no photographs of the comely young star of Smallville and the AbsolutelyReliable hot tub here. But thanks for experiencing our website devoted to satirizing coaster enthusiasts and the amusement industry. It's basically the same thing! Oh, and to save you a little trouble next time, you should be aware that there are no pictures of Kristen Kreuk naked. Uh...not that we checked or anything. We...um...uh...some friend told us or something.
Jessica Alba belching
Ah yes. The classic. This one's been popping up for months. We admit it. You have us baffled. Anyone care to write in and explain why so many people wish to see Jessica Alba belching?
By the way, in case you're really not too sharp, this is satire.
Our favorite review: "as a joke it [ARN&R] wasn't that funny. all of my family take parks very seriuslyand all thow we laffed after time we were apoled by the joke."
Anything you e-mail us is fair game to go on the site or to be used in any other way, including printing it up real big and posting it outside AbsolutelyReliableTowers.
Sorry, your IQ must be this high and your age at least 18 to be among the intended readers of ARN&R. Please enjoy some of our other attractions.
We like gravy and the occasional buffet. The greatest thing ever, however, would be a gravy buffet.