Six Flags Announces Park Rotation Program for 2004

The Six Flags Corporation unveiled plans today for their new "Theme Park Rotation" program scheduled to begin in early 2004. The exciting new program is reminiscent of the chain's existing and enormously popular roller coaster rotation program, in which the company moves many of their roller coasters from park to park throughout the country every few years in order to keep a park's coaster line-up fresh and ever-changing.

The new program will not only involve rotating the coasters from park to park, it will actually entail moving entire Six Flags theme parks from one location to another. Everything right down to the bare ground will be taken apart and loaded onto flatbed tractor-trailers to be trucked to another Six Flags property elsewhere in the country and then everything will be reassembled exactly as it was at its previous location.

Six Flags COO, Gary Story, had this to say about the new theme park rotation program:

"Our extensive consumer research has indicated to us that our guests are, quite frankly, sick and tired of visiting the same old local Six Flags theme parks year after year. I mean, how many times can you actually make yourself believe that you really did have a good time at Six Flags America, especially when you realize that there are nineteen other Six Flags owned theme parks scattered throughout the country, any one of which might be far better than that piece of crap? Furthermore, since people have been hesitant to travel too far from home lately, we thought that we would bring the parks to the people instead. After all, at Six Flags, guest satisfaction is our number one priority. Finally, we believe that the program makes a great deal of economic sense. We can move underperforming Six Flags parks to an area where no one knows yet how appalling that particular gawd-awful park is. Of course, people will flock to the transplanted parks initially because they will be new and fresh and exciting. By the time people figure out how much the relocated park -- say, Frontier City -- truly sucks, it'll have already moved on to another state and a whole new population of suckers... er, I mean guests. We are completely convinced that this park rotation program will turn the Six Flags Corporation around and get us back on the track to profitability."

According to information ascertained from official company documents, Six Flags plans to start the rotation program slowly at first moving only two parks in 2004 when Six Flags America will switch places with Six Flags Kentucky Kingdom. By 2010, however, every Six Flags park will have moved from its current location to another site somewhere else in the country. Six Flags anticipates that the parks will return to their original locations approximately once every seventeen years, which will give people plenty of time to forget how much they hated a particular Six Flags park the last time it was in town.

If the rotation program is successful in the United States, Six Flags will incorporate their international properties into the mix starting in 2010.

--JWS

Posted at 8:59 AM | Link | 0 comment(s)

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Sunday, August 17, 2003

 

Six Flags to Replace Batman Stunt Show with Puppetry of the Penis; Other New Shows Announced

Cast members of Six Flags America's "Batman Stunt Spectacular," many of whom had upwards of two months of acting experience, got bad news on Saturday, when park management informed them that the park chain had decided to change the show for the balance of this season and next, having hired cult favorite stage show "Puppetry of the Penis" to replace them. The show (known to its fans as "POTP") features "genital origami," where the stars form their penises into a variety of shapes while narrating humorously. The audience watches on enormous video screens behind the pair.

Simon Morley and David Friend, the show's creators and holders of the titular penises, said they were thrilled to be approached by the park. "Apparently the park manager came and saw our show in Arlington [Virginia] and just had a great time," said Morley.

"He came up to us after the show and said he'd been making puppets with his penis for a long time and saw this as a way to share this unique art form with the world," added Friend. "He offered to show us some new moves, but we declined." The Batman amphitheater will be completely revamped with seventy-foot screens installed along with 150-foot phalluses towering above the audience.

The genital origami will be part of a series of unique additions to SFA's entertainment offerings for the 2004 season. Spokesman Fred Sweetbreadsman shared some plans in an exclusive ARN&R interview.

"We've booked Laurie Anderson to perform her unique blend of pop music and performance art -- that'll take the place of that country music medley crap. Karen Finley will be slathering herself in chocolate -- naked of course -- on the hour, every hour, in the entry plaza. And we're going to have a whole series of modern art installations taking the place of Roar and the Typhoon Sea Coaster; they'll really explore the parkness of amusement parks, and what it means to be amused, or to be parked, and really unpack all of the thematic narratives that run through Six Flagsness, and take a serious look at how amusement rides reinforce the patriarchy in society."

According to initial reports, the first installation will consist of a milk-bottle game, where participants attempt to knock over three milk bottles at a time. Instead of a stuffed animal, however, winners will receive a bottle filled with the artist's urine while a full gospel choir sings Jane's Addiction songs out of key.

Posted at 3:27 PM | Link | 0 comment(s)

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