Model Enthusiast Tires of Picturesque Parks; Builds Replica of Riverside

Dayton, OH -- Randy Parent has been building models since he could walk. His first, constructed when he was four, was a scale replica of Six Flags Magic Mountain's Revolution coaster, made entirely out of used popsicle sticks.

Now 27, Randy has constructed everything from Kennywood's Thunderbolt (complete with a scale model of the Monogahela River and Pittsburg's steel mills) to Cedar Point's new Top Thrill Dragster (featuring a speaker mounted into the grandstand that emits cheers every twenty minutes when a train is launched).

But Randy says he's working on his biggest challenge yet. "The problem," says Randy, covered with gesso and bits of balsa wood amid the beginnings of his new project, "is that all of the parks and rides that I've built are the ones everyone else is building. I haven't found my artistic voice until now."

Randy used to post his creations at modelrollercoastergeeks.com, but it wasn't very satisfying for him when, "everybody and their brother, like, was doing the same thing, and they had more money than me and could afford a Dremel. I'm a traditionalist. I use a jacknife."

So he decided to stake out new territory. "It was kinda unrealistic how everyone's models always look so perfect. Life isn't like that. So I wanted to find a park that represented the harsh realities of real life. When I did the steel mills, man, that was it." He chose as his subject the former Riverside Park in Agawam, Massachusetts.

"I didn't have to worry about prettying this up," he said. "And I didn't have to waste my money on fake trees and flowers. Hell, I didn't even have to put any people in it!"

The main theme of the park, he said, was asphalt. So he spent half his weekly salary from RediMart to purchase a gallon of liquid asphalt patch. "I just basically dumped the whole thing on a piece of scrap wood. I couldn't believe how much it looked like the park!" ARN&R has obtained an exclusive digital photograph of the elaborate theming:



When asked if any special techniques were required for this daunting project, Randy said that he would down at least a six pack of Molson's before each modeling session. "That way I'd be so tanked, I'd be spilling paint everywhere and wrecking parts of my coaster structures. That added a lot of realism. I'm sick of those no-talent modelers who, like, make their parks look so damn clean I could eat off their fake grass. The world is a dirty place, man."

Randy expects to have his magnum opus finished "in about another fifteen minutes unless I pass out again." When asked if he was going to attempt to follow up his masterpiece, he responded between belches, "Man, if this crap, like, gets no recognition...man, I'm like...y'know...this is like the work of pure genius, and nothing'll top it."

He continued, his voice trailing off into a haze of alcohol, "I've gotta do New England, y'know. Everyone thinks it's like the best place. They think it's so pretty and everything. But I know what it really is. I can see it for what it is, y'know?" He gestured widely to his half-finished model. "I know what's underneath it all. I'm building the belly of the beast."

--JRD

Posted at 9:05 PM | Link | 0 comment(s)

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ACE News Article Fails to Mention Food

The latest issue of ACE News received strong criticism this week, as the ACE Executive Junta, the American Beef Council, and the National Lard, Scrapple, Hog Brains, and Head Cheese Foundation all condemned the magazine for its failure to mention food in one article.

"This is absolutely disgraceful," announced American Coaster Enthusiasts Commander-in-Chief, Winner of the 1976 Tchaikovsky Cello Competition, and Hindu Goddess of Destruction Carole Sanderson. "The ACE Code of Conduct specifically prohibits the writing of any article for any of our publications without making reference to food. For the past seven years, each and every article, even those quick 'breaking news' updates about new coasters that everyone already knew about three months ago, featured breathless prose lauding beef, pork, or gooey breakfast treats. I don't know how it happened that this regulation was broken in the latest issue, but it'll be dealt with, believe you me."

Diligent research by a crack team of ARN&R forensic scientists and photographers located the offending article with ease. Located on the back page, and titled "Dollywood Does It," the half-page feature manages, somehow, to describe the new GCI coaster being built for the Tennessee park without referencing Krispy Kreme, country ham, or grits even once.

"I don't know how this thing slipped through," lamented editor Mark Davidson. "I think I might have been distracted by the thought of getting the annual onslaught of irritatating reviews of Phoenix Phall Phunfest that feel the need to spell everything over and over with 'ph' instead of 'f,' as if it's still remotely funny or entertaining after the eleven-billionth time. In any case, I apologize for allowing an article to run without mentioning buffets of any sort."

Davidson defended the publication, saying, "we do normally maintain a high level of professionalism in reporting news of ACE members gorging themselves to the brink of propulsive vomiting. Why, even in this issue, every other article talks mostly about food instead of other stupid crap like roller coasters or whatever. Any article dealing with conventions, of course, almost solely features exciting buffet news, and the articles in this issue were no exception. And then the blurb about Hersheypark's Rocket Coaster requests the ride be named the Chocolate Rocket. The Timberhawk review noted a complimentary lunch. And even the Coaster Media review mentions scrambled eggs. So we hope our audience will forgive this one slight of ours, and please not eat us alive and then crack open our thigh bones to suck out our tasty marrow."

The author of the article in question was not named in ACE News, but Sanderson promises a severe lashing, as well as sentencing to the back of the next CoasterCon ice cream line, to the culprit if he or she is ever located.

--JCK

Posted at 1:11 AM | Link | 0 comment(s)

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Wednesday, September 10, 2003

 

Cedar Point Guests Get An Eyeful On Top Thrill Dragster

Several guests at Cedar Point got an extra special bonus treat during their ride on Top Thrill Dragster this past Saturday, September 6th when a woman’s halter top was blown clear off of her body during the ride’s 120 mile per hour launch.

Park guest and American Coaster Enthusiasts member Lana Lewis from Pipestem, West Virginia, evidently ignored the posted signs warning TTD riders about raising their arms during the coaster’s launch. Everything was okay during the first second of the launch. Two seconds into the launch, however, Lana’s frilly pink and yellow 100% cotton halter top was sucked right off of her body. The halter top got caught in the rushing air produced by the movement of the coaster train and floated gracefully in the breeze for a few seconds before landing gently on the ground under the roller coaster amongst the several nuts, bolts, and tires that have fallen off of the TTD trains all throughout this season.

Ms. Lewis was back in the ride’s station before she realized what had happened.

“I definitely felt a chill when we reached the top of the first hill,” she said. “But I just assumed it was because we were so high up and the air was just cooler up there. Little did I know that my boobies were bouncing all around in the breeze for all of God’s creatures to see.”

After the ride, Ms. Lewis asked ride operators to retrieve her halter top from under the coaster, but was politely reminded by park management that all items lost during the ride could not be retrieved until the park had closed for the day.

Ms. Lewis’s brother, Skeeter, who is also her cousin, managed to save the day and a little bit of Lana’s dignity by purchasing a t-shirt from the recently opened Absolutely Reliable News & Rumors Souvenir Shop located on Cedar Point’s midway next door to the Johnny Rockets restaurant.

In a related story, the Top Thrill Dragster on-ride souvenir photo booth reported a new record high one day sales total on Saturday, September 6th. The astounding sales figure was attributed for the most part to the hundreds of male teenage coaster enthusiasts who waited in line for up to three hours to purchase a photo of Lana’s top thrilling strip show.

--JWS

Posted at 5:12 PM | Link | 0 comment(s)

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Tuesday, September 09, 2003

 

Six Flags Great America Mocked for Taking Lemon to Dealer

Six Flags Great America was taunted by its friends for taking its broken-down jalopy to the dealer for service work, say sources close to the park.

"I can't believe this schmuck," said friend Six Flags St. Louis. "First of all, he's an idiot for not listening to me and buying one of those stupid Deja Vu things, which everyone knows break down more than crap from Ford. Then he compounds his stupidity by taking the thing back to the damn dealer for service. What a dips%$t."

Six Flags Great America confirmed that it takes its ride to Vekoma for service, but defended itself, saying, "I don't really know the local mechanics, so I don't know if they're honest or not. And my dealer is the one who gave me the ride, so they probably know best how to fix its myriad problems that crop up on a thousands-of-times-per-day basis. And they explained that they are the only ones who use genuine Toyota parts, so why shouldn't I take it there?"

Said business colleague Six Flags Kentucky Kingdom, "you should've seen this guy last week. Deja Vu broke down for like the three hundreth time that day, and so he took it to Vekoma. They gave him attitude about not making an appointment and pretty much accused him of screwing the thing up himself, and then they finally took it in. I could see those bozos in the back of the garage. Seven hours in there, and I'm pretty sure they just took out a chain dog and put it right back in. And then he gets the bill for six thousand dollars. I asked him, right in front of the mechanic and sales lady, if he at least got a free jar of Vaseline with that. They didn't think that was all that funny."

Six Flags Great America's friends said they would continue to encourage their "moron dumbass friend" to quit taking his piece of crap coaster to the same imbeciles who sold it to him, and instead check out a local garage such as Schwarzkopf & Sons, right down the street.

--JCK

Posted at 5:55 PM | Link | 0 comment(s)

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Caustic Chef Author Angrily Leaves Six Flags America's Cooking Corps

Six Flags Theme Parks today announced that celebrity chef Anthony Bourdain (author of Kitchen Confidential and star of Food Network's A Cook's Tour will be leaving the chain's Washington, D.C.-area theme park.

Bourdain, formerly executive chef at Les Halles in New York -- known for extremely strict discipline in his kitchen and an incredible quality of food in his restaurants -- had been hired as the Chef d' Cuisine at the pizza and french fry stand near SFA's Tower of Doom drop ride. "We'd hired Mr. Bourdain in hopes that he'd maybe tweak the seasoning a little on the fries or perhaps add another pizza topping, you know, like black olives. But within a week he'd spent $30,000 on new equipment, fired everyone there, brought in this completely insane guy named Adam to create 'focaccia' -- whatever the hell that is -- and started selling foie gras. That wasn't really what we were looking for."

Bourdain, reached for comment, began with a stream of creative obscenities. "Those f*cking idiots wouldn't know cuisine if it bit them in the ass," he stated. "They've never heard of escargot, and you should've heard it when I suggested adding Pied de Cochon Pané [traditional pig's feet] to the menu. 'We're a theme park,'" he said, mimicking a manager's voice, "'Not a fancy-schmancy New York restaurant.' Jesus, what an idiot."

Six Flags stated that it had plans to replace Bourdain with Emeril Lagasse, who, according to the park, "was really mostly focused on how much money he'd make. He didn't really seem to be too worried about the food -- he just said we should buy a bunch of his cajun seasoning mix and throw that on everything."

Posted at 9:29 AM | Link | 0 comment(s)

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Monday, September 08, 2003

 

New Site o' the Weak: It's the Future!

Thrillrush, featuring a my-god-it-burns-my-eyes design, is presumably proud to be this week's selection for ARN&R's Site o' the Weak.

We note two things: First, the site's producers "have extreme dreams." As a public service, we note to Thrillrush's producers that we, too, have had extreme dreams, and that Tide is a very effective laundry detergent. Second, we commend to you Thrillrush's "Wierd [sic] Types of Future Coasters" page, where you can truly see the future!

Posted at 12:22 PM | Link | 0 comment(s)

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Sunday, September 07, 2003

 

Dorney Park To Get Rid Of Her Coolies

Dorney Park issued a press release earlier this week indicating that she was finally getting rid of her coolies opting to replace them with cool new steel drink coasters instead. The enthusiast world has been in quite a tizzy ever since.

Coolies, as all true roller-coaster enthusiasts know, are those totally cool and extremely functional foam aluminum beverage can covers. Not only do they keep your drinks refreshingly chilled even in the longest of Talon lines, but they are also fun to collect and trade with all of your coolie-coveting friends.

ACE member, Margaret "Coolie" Kuptrik worried that Dorney's decision was a sign of more ominous coolie-related closures to come.

"If Dorney decides she doesn't need her coolies anymore, then what's to stop Bone Island Bob and The Professional Hooker from making the same sickening coolie-cutting decision? Before you know it, we coolie enthusiasts will have nowhere left to go to satisfy our coolie cravings. We'll be forced to start wrapping our Tabs and Frescas in aluminum foil again. Oh, what a world," lamented Kuptrik.

Frequent roller coaster newsgroup poster, HerCooliesRoolies, immediately spit out a post to RRC, CoasterBuzz and CCC (CoolieClubCrowd) begging the coolie-loving public to join him in a letter-writing and e-mail protest against Dorney's latest decision.

"We can't let her do this," pleaded HerCooliesRoolies. "We all lose if Dorney Park removes her coolies. Now, don't get me wrong, I like fancy steel drink coasters just as much as the next guy, but isn't there room at Dorney for her coolies and for her new steel drink coasters? I certainly think so, and I hope that you do too. I urge all of you to join me in protest. Send your poorly worded e-mails and essentially illegible letters to Dorney Park today. Together, we can save the coolies," declared HerCooliesRoolies.

In a related story, Scrapoetry.com has assured ARN&R reporters that their version of the coolie is indeed here to stay. We can all certainly be very thankful for that.

--JWS

Posted at 8:09 PM | Link | 0 comment(s)

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