X Declared Art

Six Flags Magic Mountain has proudly announced that its revolutionary roller coaster, X, has been designated a work of art by the National Foundation for the Humanities.

Vladimir Glasnow, spokesman for the NFH, said the decision was an easy one for the renowned organization to make. "We have several criteria we apply to objects that we are considering," he said. "First, it must be revolutionary. This gravity device certainly is that. Second, it must have tremendous visual impact. Naturally, anyone who has seen the remarkable color scheme of this device and its innovative use of curvilinear patterns will agree that there is nothing in the world quite like it. Thirdly, a work of art must bring the viewer closer to a sense of spirituality. Certainly, everyone who had ridden this device has claimed to have experienced nirvana."

Kieran Burke, President of Six Flags Corporation, was clearly pleased with the designation. "Six Flags prides itself on innovation. We are honored that such a distinguished organization has recognized our leadership in providing a quality experience for our guests."

This is the first time an amusement device has been declared a work of art. Alan Schilke, the designer of the ride that was built by S & S Power, Inc., of Logan, Utah, remarked, "We in the industry have known all along that there is an inherent beauty in any well-designed ride. Since X is probably the only thing I will ever be known for in my life, I'm glad that my genius has been acknowledged."

Melanie Craft, a longtime member of the American Coaster Enthusiasts, the largest roller coaster group in the world, was extremely pleased. "ACE worked long and hard to bring this coaster to the attention of the NFH. Maintenance costs have been so high that we were afraid the ride would be torn down. Since it doesn't operate too often, many ACErs would never get a chance to ride it. By having it designated a work of art, Six Flags can know that there's enormous value in having hundreds of tons of gorgeous pink and yellow iron just sitting there quietly for people to admire."

The NFH has recommended that a full-scale replica of the ride be housed in the Smithsonian Institute. Six Flags Magic Mountain generously offered to give the Smithsonian its actual ride, if the museum would pay for the dismantling and transport.

"This is an extremely generous offer," said the Institute's marketing director Beryl Handy. "However, due to space restrictions we probably could only take one of the trains that they never use."

When asked whether any other amusement rides might be considered for recognition by the NFH, Glasnow responded, "X is an exception, certainly unique in the world. But we wouldn't rule it out." Craft had her own nomination: "Chance Toboggan's are dope! The sinuous trackage and the retro-50s look make them a shoe-in!"

--JRD

Posted at 7:43 PM | Link | 0 comment(s)

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Monday, December 01, 2003

 

Why Do You Hate My Eyes?

Yes, it's Site O' the Weak time again, kiddies. And this week we celebrate Anthony's Wildwood Boardwalk Super Site. Before viewing this website, be sure you know exactly where everything is in your house or apartment, because your eyes will completely shut down and refuse to process any information for a good three hours upon witnessing this site, just to spite you for your insolence.

We're pretty sure that a front page written in lime green, with blinky yellow things separating sections of text, is a really bad idea. We're also fairly certain that most people would frown upon the monstrous combination of green and blue text over black background and graphics to the left side of the page. And also the abundance of flashing, glowing, and rotating items. And, heck, maybe even the "Midway Pier" section written in blood red over a vibrant magenta background. But maybe not...it is a "SUPER" site, after all.

Alert readers with no fear of retinal scarring will note the following instructions: "Please do not copy, or use the photos or graphics from this site!" No worries, mate. No worries.

--JCK

Posted at 4:25 PM | Link | 0 comment(s)

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Sunday, November 30, 2003

 

ACE Changes Focus, Website Offerings

Following approximately twenty-five years of coaster-lovin' fun, the American Coaster Enthusiasts are changing their focus. "We've been at this for a quarter-century," noted ACE President, Daimyo, and Auxiliary Clarinetist Carole Sanderson. "It's a mature organization that can grow and change with the times, and we are certainly a mature organization."

Continued Sanderson, "our focus has always been about riding roller coasters, preserving roller coasters, creating eye-searing layouts for magazines about roller coasters, and, of course, happily rutting and frolicking amongst piles of deep-fried suckling pigs, Crisco, and baked beans. But we have learned and adapted with the changing times, and from this day forth ACE will be an organization devoted entirely to health, well-being, and fitness."

Sanderson then unveiled the new and vastly-improved ACE website. Now billing itself as "America's Authority on Fitness," ACE will end its drooling obsession with roller coasters and gravy, and instead run programs like Operation FitKids. Instead of hopelessly outdated information about park discounts and events, the ACE website now features "Fit Facts," health articles, and an easily searchable database where visitors can locate area health clubs and ACE pros.

"Many ACE members have expressed surprise that their club, which they paid dues to, has switched its focus entirely," said Sanderson. "For instance, many of them find it somewhat ironic that a club based largely on non-exercising people getting together to ram entire sides of lard-and-walnut-dredged roast bison down their throats would suddenly be linking to articles called 'Outwitting Holiday Weight Woes' and 'Fighting Child Obesity,' but we really think a commitment to enriching the quality of life through safe and effective physical activity is considerably more useful than writing articles about Vekoma Boomerangs or publishing profiles of ACE members who list their favorite non-coaster activities as 'eating foods on sticks,' 'playing video games,' 'going to X-Files conventions,' and 'whacking off.'"

ACE Promotions Director Lee Colletti chimed in to note that the ACE Online Store would soon be offering exciting products like the Complete Personal Trainer Home Study Program and the Heartsaver First Aid with CPR and AED Training Course. "Unfortunately," said the PD, "to make room for these outstanding new products, we will need to phase out the vast majority of our current catalog, including those classy polyester ACE jackets, ACE Christmas ornaments, and Special Edition ACE-Endorsed Turkey and Gravy Flavored Soda Pop.

Colletti refused to confirm whether the ACE Online Store would continue to offer the ACE muumuu or not.

--JCK (with additional alert reporting by SJ and DEC)

Posted at 9:44 PM | Link | 0 comment(s)

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