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Saturday, December 13, 2003
Thrillnetwork Launches Pretty New Site, Still Has Same Laughably Pathetic 14-Year-Old Users
The online amusement park enthusiast community expressed great excitement recently, as Thrillnetwork launched its new, revamped product. According to a representative of the website, the creators of Thrillnetwork had high hopes for the new layout and content.
"In our past incarnation, we had some problems with lots of horny, stupid teenagers posting completely inane nonsense on the forums," said the rep. "We felt that our redesigned site, with its easy navigability and professional layout, would encourage these wankers to look elsewhere for their useless forum babblings. Sadly, we were wrong."
Heaving a profound sigh, the representative directed reporters to view the following recent pathetic Thrillnetwork forum topics: "age when you had your first girlfriend/boyfriend," "Keep her or dump her???," and "Pray For me Guys. I Need It."
"Damn," added the Thrillnetwork rep.
--The ARN&R Staff
Friday, December 12, 2003
Offseason Leaves Enthusiasts Unable to Face Life
With the closing of the vast majority of North American amusement parks by the end of October comes the dreaded offseason. Depression experts fear this time of year more than any other.
"While we must always keep an eye on coaster fans at all times for signs of trouble, it is the beginning of the offseason that truly forces us to be vigilant," stated Dr. Victoria Abrahams, an expert in the field of clinical depression. "During the summer, enthusiasts can become depressed over someone else getting the last seventeen hot dogs at the buffet, have brain spasms caused by learning that a ride is not available for an ERT session, or even suffer from seeing lots of pretty girls in tank tops that they will never have any hope of having intercourse with."
Continued Abrahams, "But the offseason is where these enthusiasts truly become despondent. Without their coasters, the only means they have of communicating is by playing Roller Coaster Tycoon and submitting to forums."
Abrahams then called up ThemeParkCritic.com, and demonstrated a particularly alarming thread called "your choice of death oh [sic] a ride."
"We feel fortunate to have caught this early, while we still have time to do an intervention," said Abrahams. "Right now, we have police, grief counselors, and suicide prevention experts rushing to the scene to help assure these poor souls that they do not need to die or suffer due to the fact that they don't have coasters to ride. With assurances that parks will indeed open again this Spring, and also with some helpful doses of electro-convulsive therapy, we aim to convince these tormented depressives that they do not need to dream of being cut in half by a Wave Swinger or launched off the top of Top Thrill Dragster without being buckled down."
Abrahams added, "I guess you would get some pretty good airtime that way, though, wouldn't you?"
Thursday, December 11, 2003
Shocking Spoilers for 24 Revealed
ARN&R has received reports from confidential inside sources that the plotline for the Fox drama 24 will soon take an amazing turn even more shocking than anything that has previously taken place during the show's three-year run.
According to the source, Jack Bauer (portrayed by Kiefer Sutherland) will suddenly "just become totally f***ing fed up with this bulls***" in an episode to air about three weeks from now. Bauer will suddenly decide that "he's tired of dealing with all this crap, and he needs to relieve some stress with some good scream therapy."
In the episode, Bauer will make a dramatic escape from some horrifying situation against impossible odds, save his idiot daughter from either being kidnapped by someone or eaten by a Tabby kitten (the details are still being finalized), pick up Special Agent Timberlake, and fly in a hijacked jet to join perpetually-stressed President David Palmer for a few hours at Universal Studios, where all can unwind from a tough day of waging war against terrorists. (At a press conference, Palmer will reportedly confuse the press with the cryptic statement "hats for bats!" long enough to slip out the back exit of his hotel in order to get to Universal in time to meet Bauer.) Exit passes and ERT on certain rides will make the evening particularly enjoyable.
"The writers at 24 were brainstorming the other day, and they just sorta figured anyone who had three different days this sh**ty would just throw his hands up and tell everyone to f*** off eventually," said the source. "So then they decided he might just escape and have a nice vacation at a location where the producers could film with ease, and just leave that terrorist-fighting hero garbage to someone else for a few hours for a change."
Our source also reported that dramatic tension would not be lessened with the impromptu theme park vacation, because "there are plenty of ways Bauer's dumbass daughter could get in trouble and have to be saved, even at Universal. She might get kidnapped by petting zoo llamas, or get lost in the bathroom, or even get chased around by horny teenage ACE members who see her in a tight white tank top on a cold day, right after she gets out of the front row of the Jurrasic Park water ride. The possibilities are endless."
Monday, December 08, 2003
Enthusiast Has Superb Orgasm
Howard Ferstler, a 50-year-old member of the American Coaster Enthusiasts, managed this evening to have an orgasm for the first time in several days. According to Ferstler, this orgasm was amazingly powerful and voluminous. It was also, naturally, the product of self-stimulation.
"I had a horrible weekend," said Ferstler. "I rent a room from this family right down the road from Canobie Lake Park, which enabled me to bring myself explosively to fruition several times every day. I could bash my bald ferret into submission pretty much all morning and afternoon, since the big living room window has a nice view of the dogleg on the Yankee Cannonball just a bit down the street. Also, the people I rent from actually have jobs, so, for many hours each day, that leaves me with a variety of furnitures to sit on, and a wide array of paper products I can choose from when cleaning up the love goo."
Ferstler told ARN&R that the huge New England blizzard created problems for him for several days. "It was horrible," he said. "All that snow, and the high winds. It was a complete mess. I mean, it wasn't a problem for me as far as being in the snow or anything. I don't have a job, I wouldn't be making any coaster trips anyway due to the fact that no parks are open this time of year, and, most importantly, I can order in as much pizza, pork rinds, and biscuit mix as I want online and have it delivered to me. No, my nightmare this weekend was not being able to see Yankee Cannonball at all, which made it really difficult to slap Yul Brynner the high-five!"
The ACEr went on to detail how he had shopped for the perfect house to rent a room from all summer, selecting this one entirely for its "majestic and stimulating view" of one of Ferstler's favorite rides. "From September until last week, I could always see this wonderful bulging mass of wood, and I could reach a climax in mere seconds by doing battle with the purple-headed yogurt slinger, while simultaneously gazing upon the gorgeous Yankee Cannonball form thrusting up into the air, glistening with fresh grease. But then all that snow arrived, and the wind swirled the stuff around, and I couldn't see my beautiful coaster at all for the entire weekend. How on Earth could anyone be expected to adequately bitch-slap their little Sith Lord without a good woodie to stare at?"
Ferstler concluded by issuing forth a stern reprimand to the state of New Hampshire. "I don't approve of all this snow they have up here," he said. "I thought it was a pain to go ten rounds with the one-eyed trouser clown back in Georgia. I mean, the place I rented near Lake Winnepesaukah was only close enough that I had to walk six blocks up to a back fence, where I could stare at their woodie while I choked myself into emission, and I got hauled off to jail a few times for some reason, but at least it pretty much never snowed down there."
"That orgasm I had today while looking at Yankee Cannonball and squeezing my toothpaste from the middle of the tube was pretty damn good, though," Ferstler said, gazing with affection toward Canobie Lake's gates.
Check Out These Awesome Roller Coasters
Our new Site O' the Weak is the Eric Kevitz Homepage. Eric's front page has some information about surfing and about Costa Rica, and a nice animated file of Garfield that seems to have no purpose whatsoever. Eric also appears to be strangely fixated on his amazing Ford Taurus.
But just having a lame site about all the exciting specs for your car won't get you nominated for the ARN&R Site O' the Weak. Oh, no. For that honor, a website must suck and also reference the amusement industry in some fashion. Fortunately, Eric has a fantastic Montanas Rusas web page to fulfill our exacting requirements. On this excellent page, visitors can note that the webmaster thinks both Alpengeist and Apollo's Chariot are "awesome roller coasters," while providing a link to stories about these rides at Thrillride.
Yep. That's it.
Sunday, December 07, 2003
ARN&R Staff Still Alive
We've been receiving an onslaught of mail here at the Absolutely Reliable Mail Room, inquiring whether everything is okay, seeing as we didn't post any material from Wedensday morning until late this afternoon. Well, okay, one person sent an email asking if we were alive. Just one. We can tell how much you care. It's touching, really.
But yes, we are fine. One of the editors is still busying himself with work down in the sumptious glory of Mississippi, while the other one was just in Vermont for the last several days, with his car buried under snow drifts as tall as him, blockaded by a veritable wall of nature from getting to any public computers and amusing the snowbound masses with witty articles about gravy and masturbation. Or something.
But we can only be restrained for so long. The Editor in Chief left a nice new article for you today, and the Assistant Editor is back in force as of late this evening. And he'll be trying to find a way to write an amusement park story that also includes a scathing missive about how much Vermont sucks moist donkey balls when it comes to keeping its stupid highways sanded and plowed properly.
Playland Touts Dragon Coaster's Leap in Poll
Mitch Hawker's industry standard wooden coaster poll was finalized recently, and the folks at Rye's Playland in Rye, New York were thrilled with the tremendous performance of their wooden Dragon Coaster.
"Dramatic Improvement in Dragon Coaster's Ranking," bragged the press release sent to media outlets worldwide. "Rye's Playland is proud to announce that our Dragon Coaster moved all the way up to 132nd, up from 135th last year. We spent an extra ten bucks on oil this year as well as increasing the cleaning of vomit from once weekly to twice weekly, and clearly our visitors have noticed the difference!"
The park is reportedly ordering dozens of "We're number 132!" banners to be hung throughout the park, as well as considering a major media buy in the northeastern television markets to promote the coaster's ranking. Additionally, park employees will henceforth be required to yell "I love my dragon woodie!" every time they come within fifty feet of the coaster.
In related news, Grizzly at Paramount's Great America in California still sucks beyond belief.
By the way, in case you're really not too sharp, this is satire.
Our favorite review: "as a joke it [ARN&R] wasn't that funny. all of my family take parks very seriuslyand all thow we laffed after time we were apoled by the joke."
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We like gravy and the occasional buffet. The greatest thing ever, however, would be a gravy buffet.