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Breaking News:
One of these people is very happy. One is not. Every time a bell rings, a roundish coaster enthusiast gets his wings! Sorry to inform you that "Mister Donut" translates as "Pastry filled with feces" "What do we want? BRAINS! When do we want them? BRAINS!" "And then we sold this man a fifteen-year-old Walkman for $200 and told him it was the next-generation iPod!" Okay, really, now you're just photoshopping in the same stupid pose in front of stock photography for each park. Costumed worker at Japanese park on day TPR visits: Worst. Temp. Job. Ever.
More headlines below the ads...
Hello, Japan! We will be annoying you for the next several days. This is almost like interacting with another human. More gravy, fewer noodles, please. "Hey, we're in Japan! Let's, um, bowl! That should really expose us to new cultures! "...and then let's go to Denny's!" "I wonder if I could get an on-ride video of this drum..." Why exactly would the photographer yell out "Act like utter morons, anyway? ...and dozens of Japanese commuters collapse from the smell at once Dude, that's totally Spicoli in the middle. It's so nice to be somewhere that's open to different, er, preferences What Has Happened to CoasterBuzz? Wild West World Owners Next Spending $40 Million on Roller Disco-Themed Park Hollywood Horror Nights to Feature Enormous Animatronic Goldie Hawn In Further Improvements to Son of Beast, Cedar Fair to Add Whiny Guy with Body Odor Tapping Patrons' Shoulders Repeatedly, Asking "Does This Bug You?" Hard-Hitting Journalist Rather Proud of Transitions Sunglasses, Intense Journalistic Stare Q. Why Don't Enthusiasts Get Dates? A. Here's a Start. Hundreds of Enthusiasts Simultaneously Discover Working in Amusement Park Sucks, Fellow Employees Hate Them Six Flags Right In Touch With Hot Trends Intamin Admits Maverick Designed by Ron Toomer with Bendy Wire Hangers; Says, "Computers are Expensive!" Enthusiasts Practice Saying "Mas Tapas" Repeatedly Gravy Futures Way, Way Up Carowinds Employees Assimilated
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Saturday, December 20, 2003
ACE Poster Selling Like Crazy Long renowned for its products, ACE (American Coaster Enthusiasts) has done it again with the Limited Edition ACE 25th Anniversary Poster. Currently only available to ACE members, and only by mail order, the poster has shocked industry analysts by selling several thousand copies to date. "We figured a few people would buy it," said ACE Merchandise Director Lee Colletti. "After all, people who like roller coasters will buy almost anything about roller coasters, whether it's an ACE jacket, a badly-produced video with annoying hosts, Six Flags crap, or even, God help us all, a Beast thong from Absolutely Reliable's shop. But these numbers of poster purchasers are totally shocking." [Ed. Note: It's not too late for your Christmas shopping! Disgust your mother with a Beast thong! Just $9.99!] "The chance to step back in time and relive some of the great moments in ACE's twenty-five year history was the key for me," said Al DePantzeu, 45. "I also thought it was time to add a new wall hanging amongst all the old Ratt and Bon Jovi posters I have in my bedroom at my dad's place." "What ***hole wouldn't buy a one-of-a-kind poster picturing the very people who have made ACE the number one coaster club in the world?" posited Bea O'Problem, 20. "I'm eager to have a poster with loads of photographs of people richer than me who fly all over the world to Coaster Odysseys and such. Four hundred individual ACE members in full magnificent color! I'm crapping my pants just thinkin' about how cool this poster will be, dude!" And new ACEr Craven Moorhead, 19, knows he has an item worthy of adding to his wall-mounted collection of sexy posters. "I didn't know how I'd top that poster of Jessica Alba from Honey or all those Pamela Anderson Lee pics, but this ACE one is so awesome, I'm sticking right next to my bed! All that hot footage of ACE presidents, committee members and club personalities is mind-boggling enough that I'm sure to have to whap my pud tonight! Twice!" ACE is so pleased about the outstanding sales of the poster, it is plannning new items for next season. Says Colletti, "We don't know everything yet, but one item we're pleased to announce already is the ACE Executive Committee Swimsuit Calendar. We hope to have the 2005 model in right around IAAPA so we can show it off to all the important amusement industry folks. A certain member has already been showing off his red satin thong, nipple clips, and Zorro mask. We just know once we oil him up and get him to pose in a seductive manner in this outfit, we're going to sell trillions of those calendars!" --JCK Posted at 11:56 AM | Link | 0 comment(s)
Thursday, December 18, 2003
Happy Festivus We'll be around some, and not around some. So don't despair if it seems like there aren't a lot of updates, because, well, there won't be a lot of updates. Happy holidays. Posted at 7:32 PM | Link | 0 comment(s)
InfoGrames to Release New RCT2 Expansion Pack for 2004 Normally saved for events like E3, InfoGrames announced via their official Roller Coaster Tycoon website that their latest expansion pack to the popular game would be released in February 2004. "Roller Coaster Tycoon: First Date" is an interactive experience that combines the excitement of playing Roller Coaster Tycoon 2 with learning how to foster a healthy, or really any, relationship. Instead of keeping patrons of a theme park happy by adding restrooms, hiring janitors, and designing top-notch thrill rides, players will have to impress just one member of the opposite sex (or, if set in the options screen, the same sex) on a 'theme park date.' The simulated social experience grants points based on outfits chosen from an interactive clothes matrix, hygiene, date locations, and topics of conversation. Players choose from a variety of people to date, which is how game difficulty is determined, from Prostitute (the easiest level) to Playmate (the most difficult level.) Throughout the game, players can read on screen the dates thoughts such as "This person will never please me" and "What a cheapskate." Early word from RCT enthusiasts has been overwhelmingly negative. "I was just finally putting the finishing touches on my dueling racing two-track wooden and inverted coaster, and now I have to learn about things like 'courtesy' and 'speaking about anything besides coasters'?!" exclaimed Bob Jeffress, a Cleveland-area enthusiast fond of using air quotes. "And I never paid attention during the 'human relations' part of health class, so I won't have any idea what to do if the girl actually likes me. I'll never finish this scenario now!" The expansion pack will hit store shelves on the first Tuesday in February, which will hopefully give lovers of Roller Coaster Tycoon some practice with social interaction before Valentine’s Day. --MMS Posted at 9:42 AM | Link | 0 comment(s)
Wednesday, December 17, 2003
Disney Adds Barf Bags to Small World Following the news this week that Disney would be installing barf bags on its Mission: Space attraction at EPCOT, industry experts wondered if the trend would continue. It took only a matter of hours before Disney indeed added another ride to its collection of attractions outfitted with Technicolor Yawn Containment Systems. The second ride prepped in this manner is Small World, at the Magic Kingdom. "Although not all Small World riders have gotten so violently ill that they were forced to waste their groceries in projectile fashion, it does happen more than hourly," said a Disney rep who spoke on condition of anonymity. "In fact, it may surprise people to learn that Small World causes more retching and vomiting than any other ride in any of our Florida parks. Of course, Mission: Space causes physical discomfort and explosive hurling because of its intense G forces, while Small World probably makes guests throw up due to its cloying nature and endless repetition of that hideous banshee-like song." Cast Members will be trained this week in use of the Technicolor Yawn Containment System, which consists of a high tech "bag" with a "lining" that guests made ill by the saccharine horrors of Small World can "fill" with "gallons of puke" to ease the clean-up after they exit the ride. --JCK Posted at 5:09 PM | Link | 0 comment(s)
New Pittsburgh Park to Offer Free Puppies, Liquor, Lodging The enthusiast community is abuzz with discussion of a proposed new Pittsburgh-area amusement park to be known as Only in America Amusement Complex. To be built for just over $100 million, early reports indicate that the park promises short lines, major rides including very long coasters, occasional "free days," and a very low admission fee. In an exclusive investigative report, ARN&R can report that the park will also provide each visitor with a free purebred puppy, an open bar (for those of proper age), and free luxury accomodations. "We're pretty excited about all of this," said a high-level executive of the park, reached at his current job as a sandwich technician at a Subway. "We picked up a case of MGD a couple of weeks ago and did the math while watching Price is Right, and we're pretty sure $15 per patron will be plenty to cover all of that, plus a tidy profit for us." The management team is exploring other options to make the park more appealing, including offering complimentary private jet transportation for anyone wishing to visit from more than fifty miles away, a roving team of Swedish masseuses (taking the place of the traditional theme park marching band), and a daily winner, chosen at random, of a full-year all-expenses-paid around-the-world vacation. Posted at 9:39 AM | Link | 0 comment(s)
Tuesday, December 16, 2003
Enthusiast chooses Worlds Fair Roller Coaster Christmas Decoration over Gas, Electric Martin Saugenesel of Duluth, Minnesota is the latest victim in a supraliminal advertising campaign for the World’s Fair Roller Coaster Christmas Decoration, available through an online Christmas Decorations store. Sauganesel, who prides himself on both his coaster enthusiasm and his love of collecting ‘coaster-related Christmas ornaments,’ found the World’s Fair Roller Coaster Christmas Decoration after a Google search on ‘roller coaster Christmas’ and was hooked immediately. “The web page spoke to me – after only a couple of paragraphs, I knew that the World’s Fair Roller Coaster Christmas Decoration could help me to spread the joy of Christmas, and roller coasters, to the world!” Martin also wouldn’t let the steep price of $100 deter him from purchasing the World’s Fair Roller Coaster Christmas Decoration, and skipped paying his utility bills in order to purchase the World’s Fair Roller Coaster Christmas Decoration. “The love I feel for the World’s Fair Roller Coaster Christmas Decoration will keep me warm this December,” said the overly optimistic Sauganesel as he contemplated a full-color printout of the World's Fair Roller Coaster Christmas Decoration. This is not the first coaster-related ornament to touch the life of this man, a devout member of his local Lutheran church, as well as ACE, Coasterbuzz, and Duluth Organization for Rollercoaster Knowledge, a club he founded with his best friend, Rudy. “I went to my local Hallmark Gold Crown store to purchase the Polar Coaster ornament – I was really lucky, I got to buy the display because there were none in stock. However, the Hallmark store employees did not give the Polar Coaster the respect it deserves – not like the World’s Fair Roller Coaster Christmas Decoration website.” Martin Saugenesel is waiting, in darkness and cold, for his World’s Fair Roller Coaster Christmas Decoration to arrive. “I don’t need heat or electricity – the World’s Fair Roller Coaster Christmas Decoration is going warm my heart and light my path to the true meaning of Christmas!” --MMS [Ed. Note: The World's Fair Roller Coaster Christmas Decoration is also this week's lucky winner of the Site O' the Weak! Congratulations, World's Fair Roller Coaster Christmas Decoration!] Posted at 9:02 AM | Link | 0 comment(s)
Monday, December 15, 2003
ARN&R Gift Guide Merry Christmas, fellow coaster enthusiasts. Yes, this is FMB coming at ya with some Christmas gift suggestions to buy yourself. I will be the first to admit that this is a blatant rip-off of the yearly list at Coasterbuzz. The only difference is that while their staff assumes you have someone special in your life to buy you things (besides your parents), we know better. The ARN&R crew understands that this Christmas will be spent watching America’s Greatest Home Videos Vol. 1 after you microwave a Stouffer’s turkey & mashed potatoes dinner. Therefore, we thought you could buy yourself something that you will use aside from porn (trust me, Tea Bagger Vance 2: A Sactacular Sequel, doesn’t show anything the first didn’t). 5. Ride World T-Shirt This year has been spent evaluating enthusiasts and their commitment to safety. So, why not show all those park owners that you push the lap bar up more than necessary by wearing the classy Ride World shirt that says, “No Seatbelt? No Lapbar? No Problem!” Park security will think your coaster gear is a laugh riot as they pummel you in the parking lot. 
4. Velcro Shoes Bending over and picking up stuff is hard, especially since the only trousers you can find to fit are sweat pants. You don’t have to spend thirty seconds in that awkward position on one knee tying your shoes anymore. Just head down to the orthopedic shoe store and pick up a pair of Velcro shoes. All the footwear has are two straps on each foot so you are re-secured in a second. These shoes were popular for five minutes in 1983, but that shouldn’t stop you from wearing them now. Plus, they are a dream when you truck that fat ass up Samurai Summit at Magic Mountain. 3. IAAPA Address & Telephone Directory Are both Walter and Claude not returning your letters, emails, faxes and/or singing telegrams? Never fear, the IAAPA Address & Telephone Directory is here! Yes, now you can pester every “coaster hero” you have. Werner Stengel, S&S Power, The Gravity Group, and Great Coasters -- yup, they’re all in here. You can guarantee that they can’t wait to talk with you for hours about what mistakes they have made on past designs and how appreciative they will be that you took note of every problem with each of their rides. After all, how can these people with engineering degrees learn about their craft unless people who own Roller Coaster Tycoon tell them about their shortcomings? 2. ACE Denim Jacket “Hey there sexy! That hot ACE coat accentuates your beautiful round stomach.” That is what strangers will be saying to you once you buy the stylin’ ACE Denim Jacket. Only coaster enthusiasts can truly appreciate the craftsmanship that goes into making sure the outdated ACE logo looks sharp on both sides of the jacket. You will be pimp of the year when you strut through Dutch Wonderland in this overcoat with a Coaster Zombies Tie-dyed t-shirt poking through. 
1. Park World Magazine Subscription Sure, $165 for a year may sound expensive for a monthly magazine that arrives 3-4 months late. However, obviously you are forgetting all of the great features that separate Park World from all of those “industry news” magazines: Amusement Industry Veteran: A monthly column from Paul Ruben called “Park Hopping” that provides plenty of industry insight. This year’s February, 2003 column showed the author’s hard-hitting style of journalism. It combined a picture of a shirtless Ruben with quotes like “Get me wet; keep me wet.” and “Just stairs to climb, the interminably long wooden stairs that wear me down, standing on them in the hot sun panting for breath as the nearly naked babes squeeze by me with their tubes.” Amazing Coincidences: I always find it funny that the companies that purchase large color ads often get mentioned in stories about their type of products. In fact, when I am done leafing through the thick 30-page magazine I like to match up the ads and articles. Do it with your kids, it helps teach them about journalistic integrity. Press Releases Galore: I am a huge fan of easy-to-digest and fluff-filled press releases. That is why I find the first half of this magazine so valuable. Instead of stories by “writers” it is filled with releases and announcements of all kinds written by last year’s summer interns. They touch on things like people’s new products and what ride makers think about next year (they’re always "cautiously optimistic"). This is business-to-business writing at its best. So, there you have it. Have an Absolutely Reliable Christmas! --FMB Posted at 9:36 AM | Link | 0 comment(s)
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