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Breaking News:
One of these people is very happy. One is not. Every time a bell rings, a roundish coaster enthusiast gets his wings! Sorry to inform you that "Mister Donut" translates as "Pastry filled with feces" "What do we want? BRAINS! When do we want them? BRAINS!" "And then we sold this man a fifteen-year-old Walkman for $200 and told him it was the next-generation iPod!" Okay, really, now you're just photoshopping in the same stupid pose in front of stock photography for each park. Costumed worker at Japanese park on day TPR visits: Worst. Temp. Job. Ever.
More headlines below the ads...
Hello, Japan! We will be annoying you for the next several days. This is almost like interacting with another human. More gravy, fewer noodles, please. "Hey, we're in Japan! Let's, um, bowl! That should really expose us to new cultures! "...and then let's go to Denny's!" "I wonder if I could get an on-ride video of this drum..." Why exactly would the photographer yell out "Act like utter morons, anyway? ...and dozens of Japanese commuters collapse from the smell at once Dude, that's totally Spicoli in the middle. It's so nice to be somewhere that's open to different, er, preferences What Has Happened to CoasterBuzz? Wild West World Owners Next Spending $40 Million on Roller Disco-Themed Park Hollywood Horror Nights to Feature Enormous Animatronic Goldie Hawn In Further Improvements to Son of Beast, Cedar Fair to Add Whiny Guy with Body Odor Tapping Patrons' Shoulders Repeatedly, Asking "Does This Bug You?" Hard-Hitting Journalist Rather Proud of Transitions Sunglasses, Intense Journalistic Stare Q. Why Don't Enthusiasts Get Dates? A. Here's a Start. Hundreds of Enthusiasts Simultaneously Discover Working in Amusement Park Sucks, Fellow Employees Hate Them Six Flags Right In Touch With Hot Trends Intamin Admits Maverick Designed by Ron Toomer with Bendy Wire Hangers; Says, "Computers are Expensive!" Enthusiasts Practice Saying "Mas Tapas" Repeatedly Gravy Futures Way, Way Up Carowinds Employees Assimilated
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Saturday, January 03, 2004
New Line to Farm Out Return of the King DVD Effects Fans of the Lord of the Rings trilogy of movies expressed outrage this week when it became known that New Line Studios, the distributor for the movies, was strongly leaning toward farming out the effects work for the Return of the King Special Extended Edition DVD. WETA Digital, which handled all effects for the three films and the added scenes for the two previous Special Extended Editions, was considered too expensive by the studio, which plans to hand the special effects work for the final DVD to Vekoma. "We know these three films and the previous two extended DVDs have been all about quality," said a New Line rep too slimy and hideous to allow us to use his name. "That's why we figured it would be a great idea to really f*** our audience with the very last chapter in the saga. Instead of using the expensive, quality production of WETA, which has made us metric assloads of money and pleased many movie fans and critics, we figured we'd just get a crap coaster manufacturer to slap some tacky garbage in there." "We're cheap bastards," the rep added. Vekoma, which is noted for causing both crushing boredom and severe head trauma with its Suspended Looping Coasters, Boomerangs, and Seatless Floorless Coasters, has no prior experience with movie special effects. The company reportedly plans to show the dramatic fight scene between Gandalf and the Witch King by putting an Invertigo into the scene with Ian McKellen, while more battle scenes with Orcs will be represented with thousands of convincing "clones" of a Vekoma SLC. "Hey, don't whine to us," said the rep, pawing his hands through his oily toupee. "You should be thanking us for having a really s**tty coaster design firm doing the effects for this DVD. At least we didn't use the cretins who animated Jar Jar Binks for the new Star Wars flicks." --JCK Posted at 2:41 PM | Link | 0 comment(s)
Thursday, January 01, 2004
Dinn Unsure About Attending Future Company Parties Denise Dinn has expressed concern about attending any more company parties, according to sources. The former president of CCI, now head of the wood coaster division of S&S/Arrow, developed this impression during the S&S New Year's Eve party last night. "All of our parties at CCI were so...sedate," said Dinn this afternoon. "Wine, appetizers, some jazz. But this Stan Checketts guy...wow, those S&S dudes can party their asses off. Out of control." Dinn added that she was unable to attend last year's New Year's party in the nightclub hotspot of Logan, Utah, her first with the company, so this was her first experience with the hard-core party boys with the compressed air fetish. "I knew Stan was pretty wild," said Dinn. "But things got out of control pretty quick. First we had tequilla shots, and then he made us all do the Electric Slide while suspended from a bungi cord attached to his Thrust Air prototype. Then we went to Vegas and rode the Big Shot forty times. Everyone else freeballed it, but I declined." Dinn added, "and right before I left the party, Stan was discussing making the entire sales staff dip their naked bodies in lime green paint and rub themselves all over some Frog Hoppers before they were shipped out, so the kids could be 'exposed' to modern art. Wow. I passed on that." Dinn noted that next year she "might see what Toomer's up to instead of hitting the official company party." --JCK Posted at 4:50 PM | Link | 0 comment(s)
Monday, December 29, 2003
Amusement Parks are so Fun! Yep, it's time, kiddies. We've kicked that hideous holiday ornament website to the curb and hooked you up with a brand-new Site O' the Weak: Carlianne's Hobbies Page. (Carlianne???) Be patient, as Carlianne's webpage may take quite some time to load if, like certain assistant editors, you still have dial-up. You see, Carlianne is so excited to share all of her hobbies, she put all of them on one endless webpage! Please join us in experiencing Carlianne's exciting sitting-by-the-fire, shopping, and rubber-stampin' hobbies, hear how she likes "reading about godly romantic love stories, and how to pursue relationships in a way that pleases God," and find out her sister is named "Sharnessa" and sings in a band that everyone should see, "cuz they're REALLY AWESOME...and they TOTALLY love Jesus!" Of course, it wouldn't make our Site O' the Weak unless it had some amusement parks. Carlianne provides us with exclamation-point-laden descriptions of Wild Waves/ Enchanted Village and West Edmonton Mall ("It was soooo much fun!!!!"). Congratulations Carlianne! You can add "appearing on Absolutely Reliable News & Rumors" as one of your six trillion hobbies! --JCK Posted at 12:43 PM | Link | 0 comment(s)
Six Flags Stock Prices Leaps on News of Christmas Income Six Flags Theme Parks (NYSE: PARK) saw its stock price leap some 23% yesterday on news of unexpected income over the holidays. According to Gary Story, outgoing park chain COO, the company received $25 in cash in a "really cute" holiday card from its great aunt and an additional $35 from its grandmother. Additionally, Story and Kieran Burke, the chain's CEO, worked part-time over the holdiays at a Hickory Farms mall kiosk, bringing in a total of $645 after taxes. The net to the chain was $623, as Burke lost his uniform and its cost was deducted from his final paycheck. "This $683 in pure profits is a great sign," said stock analyst Robert Damen of SmithBarneySolomonBurkeKline. "That's approximately, let me do the math, $683 more in profits than we've seen from them in years. If the chain stops operating its parks and shifts entirely to relative-sourced income and part-time work involving well-sealed sausages, it might just have a winning strategy. If, however, it continues to pursue the 'amusement park' idea, it's pretty much doomed." Reports indicate that Story and Burke may pursue a job at an Oklahoma City mall location of Orange Julius, as the Hickory Farms kiosk is a seasonal operation. Burke is reportedly "addicted" to the outlet's "Cocoa Latte Swirls" and has become obsessed with obtaining an employee discount. Posted at 11:02 AM | Link | 0 comment(s)
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