Attractive Young ACE Chick Confused by Lack of Dates

Chicago IL - American Coaster Enthusiast Melinda Sumner, whom experts claim is a strikingly beautiful, petite 23-year-old blonde and Republican Party member, has recently gone public with a terrible quandary.

Melinda, since she was a child, has had a love for roller coasters. She stated in a recent interview, "I joined ACE 2 years ago to get more opportunities to see and ride more roller coasters. After I graduated college cum laude with a degree in biology, I decided I wanted to try and meet men with the same interests as me. Quite frankly, I didn't like the frat guys and I was quite turned off by men who were into biology too; I mean, come on, it's what I do all day. I don't want to deal with it outside of work. So I joined ACE hoping to meet a man to share my weekend enjoyment by romantically holding hands on classic wooden roller coasters.”

At this point in the interview, the beautiful and quite...um...built Melinda broke down into tears, prompting the interviewer to hold and comfort her, um, sorrow. After calming down, she continued.

"I never, never would have thought that I would have a problem finding a nice, good-looking man who shared my love of roller coasters. I am downright depressed that most of the men I have met are members of the dreaded ‘Phoenix Fairies’ or show less interest in me than Michael Jackson at a female strip club. If it is not bad enough that these guys don't seem to appreciate all my 120 pounds of toned 23-year-old body have to offer, the ones that do look at me are over 350 pounds and are always eating. They eat at food stands, in line, and I even saw one walk into a bathroom with a gravy-laden cheesesteak. Come on, how can you eat anything, let alone gravy covered products, in a bathroom, let alone at a Six Flags?? Plus they tend to wander around by themselves mumbling something that sounds like 'wood, I have wood, wood meet wood.’ It really freaks me out.”

She continued: “Most of the good-looking ACE guys seem too interested in themselves or each other. And they constantly bitch about how the feng shui of the rides’ color schemes is off or that their product isn’t sufficiently keeping their hair in place on Twister. I don't get it.”

Unfortunately, Melinda claims to have grown frustrated with not finding a man interested in both her and roller coasters. She has decided the best ride she will ever get was on a cool evening after a hot summer day on the Phoenix. After Phoenix Phall Phunfest she explored the Coal Hole Bar in Shamokin PA, "primarily looking for a mostly-toothed straight man who is not obsessed with the term 'all you can eat.'”

--EJB

Posted at 12:10 AM | Link | 0 comment(s)

- - -

Thursday, January 08, 2004

 

Emeril's Not So Tasty the Second Time

The culinary delicacies of Emeril's at Universal Citywalk in Orlando leave something to be desired on their second tasting, claims Wade Billick, 26.

Billick ate lunch at the upscale restaurant, located a short walk from the Islands of Adventure theme park, on Tuesday. After lunch, he walked into the amusement park and commenced riding several different attractions.

"I personally feel Emeril's is highly overrated as a restaurant," said Billick. "Initially, I confess I was pleased. I had a tasty rock shrimp-stuffed snapper in butter sauce and stuffed morels with crawfish. And I sampled some of [my boyfriend] Steve's pan-seared squab with orange-cranberry chutney. Very tasty. Plenty to eat, and some unusual flavors. It did indeed seem to be kicked up to notches unknown to mankind."

Billick's positive first reaction changed after he entered the park, however. "Steve and I went straight for Hulk," he said. "There wasn't much of a line, so we rode that like 10 times in a row, then we did the Fire Dragon six or seven times, and then we had an informal takeover of the Storm Force Acceletron. I bet we were on that sucker for almost 30 minutes straight, whipping around in little circles over and over again. It was around that point that I realized Emeril's wasn't treating me too well."

According to Billick, "my previous good feelings of the restaurant evaporated as soon as I started violently evacuating all the contents of my stomach onto the pavement and benches, accompanying the purge with tremendous squooshing sounds and plenty of retching. I must say that the rock shrimp-stuffed snapper in butter sauce certainly did not have a remotely pleasant flavor by this point, and the stuffed morels would definitely have benefitted from not being coated in gallons of my own fetid bile."

He added, "that squab also failed to impress, as it left a greasy residue and not-so-fresh aroma on its way from my gullet to the tops of Steve's shoes."

"Save your money and skip Emeril's," added Billick. "If you're going to be tasting voluminous piles of semi-digested food as they spray back out your throat, you might as well have it be Jimmy Buffet's Margaritaville. That way the stuff spurting out has essentially the same flavor and consistency as anything you consume in the first place, so you won't be disappointed when the food slips so much in quality the second time around, like at Emeril's."

--JCK

Posted at 12:14 AM | Link | 0 comment(s)

- - -

Tuesday, January 06, 2004

 

Six Flags Announces Major Customer Service Initiative to Stop Urinating and Defecating on Guests

After nearly a decade of massive capital investments that many said ignored the "little things" that keep customers happy and coming back, Six Flags Inc. announced yesterday a major new effort for the 2004 season.

Outgoing president Gary Story shared the plan in an exclusive ARN&R interview. "After several years of extensive market research, we have determined that our guests tend not to return to our parks when our employees defecate and urinate on them. To a lesser extent, they object to us spitting on them, and to the intentional placement of various bodily fluids on their food, but the direct defecation and urination is really quite key, especially when aimed at their faces." At this point, Story and an intern performed an elaborate pantomime of an employee throwing and a customer being covered in urine and feces.

"Thus, we've taken what is, we believe, an unprecedented step in customer service and committed to reducing that defecation and urination by at least fifty percent in target parks in 2004, with additional reductions in following years. Ultimately, we'll expand the program to all of our parks, except for Six Flags Kentucky Kingdom."

Reports indicate that the pro-defecation and pro-urination policy was started after a renegade market researcher suggested that customers desired to be showered in human waste and nobody questioned or checked his work. "We have been directing our employees for nearly eight years to create as filthy an environment as possible, even encouraging them to bring in dirty diapers from neighborhood children when available," said Story. "Well, no more! Except in Kentucky! (Where our research indicates the customers expect and want it.)"

In related news, Holiday World and Knoebel's employees are expecting to be even more unbelievably pleasant in 2004.

Posted at 8:52 PM | Link | 0 comment(s)

- - -

 

Could You Please Turn Down the Volume on That Website?

We've got a new gem for your perusal: the Awesome Coasters Website. Just be sure to lower the blast shield on your helmet before clicking the link. You'll enjoy the eye-scalding color scheme much more with some facial protection. Be sure to scroll through the entire website for helpful hints, lots of alleged links that don't link anywhere, and some good old-fashioned retinal trauma.

Link up with Awesome Coasters, the ARN&R Site O' the Weak.

--JCK

Posted at 2:28 AM | Link | 0 comment(s)

- - -

Monday, January 05, 2004

 

A Christmas Message to the Poor: Suck On It

ARN&R Guest Column by Tim Jenson, President Emeritus of the Greater Cleveland Coaster Fanatics

I am so damn tired about being lectured about giving to the "poor and less fortunate" over the Christmas season. You know what? I work for a living and I don't need others telling me that I need to spend my hard-earned money on people that don't have heat or children digging their Christmas dinners out of dumpsters. Hey kids, tell mom and dad to get a job or convert to a religion without presents.

Some of my co-workers at Best Buy thought that it was rude of me to not give anything to the Salvation Army bell ringers this year. Well, some of us are saving up for that America's Greatest Roller Coaster Thrills: The Ultimate Scream Machines DVD (Digital Collector's Edition). With the employee discount it should be mine in no time. All over America religious and secular leaders tell me that I need to give money to help people. How am I going to witness over twenty coasters in glorious 5.1 surround sound if I keep giving everything I make away?

If these goody two shoes had their way I would not have saved enough for the entire Horse Creek Production series. Trust me, it was worth the money. At Coaster Con last year I met a fine lady named Tina. While she couldn't fit in a lot of the rides we had fun hanging out Das Festhaus. I am sure that the Horse Creek POV of the boomerang at Wild Adventures is what allowed me to feel her roast beef curtains that magical night she came back to my room at the Super 8.

I am not saying I never help those less fortunate. In fact, last week I tried to sell Goodwill my Top Thrill Dragster shirt autographed by the guy who walks the track on Junior Gemini and they wouldn't give me anything for it. If this is how charity works then I want no part of it. I am just tired of those limousine liberals like Jesus telling me to help others. What a crock of shit.

P.S.: I appreciate ARN&R giving me the space to air my concerns about the Christmas season with like-minded coaster enthusiasts. My "Steel 4 Me (Coasters that Is!)" column usually appears on Thrillnetwork, but ever since the "incident" I had in their chatroom where I tried to polish VekomaRulz's chainlift I haven't been allowed to log in.

--Transcribed by FMB

Posted at 9:52 AM | Link | 0 comment(s)

- - -

Sunday, January 04, 2004

 

Hurler Theming Returns

Sources close to the Paramount chain of amusement parks tell ARN&R that the Hurler coasters at King's Dominion and Carowinds will have their theming returned for the 2004 season.

Opening as part of the Wayne's World section at each of the two parks, the Hurler coasters featured a preshow by Wayne and Garth, while the ride and station featured music by Queen and Joan Jett. In recent years, the television monitors have been silent, while the popular Queen hits have vanished from the lift hill. But that's all about to change.

"Visitors should expect a return to a full themed experience," says the source. "Of course, after Cat in the Hat, we certainly weren't going to invite Mike Myers back to do Wayne for the ride, so the television monitors will still not be used. However, we will return to having hard rock pumping out of the lift hill speakers, and the immersive Queen experience of the coaster will be greatly enhanced with a bunch of ride ops and maintenance workers themed as Queen guitarist Brian May. It's inexpensive for us and tons of fun for riders, a win-win situation!

The source also noted that Paramount intended to have Queen lead singer Freddie Mercury give a performance for the rollout of the revamped Hurler theming this Spring, but, for "some odd reason" had not yet managed to locate him.

--JCK

Posted at 2:18 PM | Link | 0 comment(s)

- - -

HOME

Web absolutelyreliable.com