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Friday, February 20, 2004
Disney Promises to Remake Muppets
Disney announced this week that it would acquire the rights to the Muppets characters, developed by Jim Henson, and it promised big changes.
"All that irony and humor that was so great in The Muppet Show, aiming above the four-year-old set? Gone," said spokesman Chad Munsinger. "We'll give those puppets some big creepy-ass eyes, put all the girls in princess dresses, and take out anything that might be considered remotely appealing to adults. We'll add in some hideous songs -- roughly half sung by Phil Collins to auto-generated ballad music, the other half sung in a piercing falsetto -- and blast the songs at approximately 110 decibels at every possible opportunity. It'll be great!"
Recalling the days when The Muppet Show and Muppets Tonight would feature quirky guest stars such as Prince, Phyllis Diller, Vincent Price, and Arlo Guthrie, Munsinger indicated that those days were long gone. "We're all about synergy now. If we have a Muppet television show, you'll be seeing other Disney characters and ABC personalities -- like maybe Barbara Walters. That'd be a hoot!"
Reports indicate that the Swedish Chef will be barred from all Disney properties ("too scary and insensitive to our Swedish guests") and that Bert and Ernie will only be seen during Gay Days. Gonzo will appear but will no longer have a romantic interest in chickens. And Animal will be replaced by a slightly rough-looking "but hot" twenty-something drummer "aimed at the tweener set."
[Ed. Note: Yes, we know Bert & Ernie aren't part of the deal since they were sold to CTW a ways back, so settle down and send us bizarre e-mails about something else.]
Thursday, February 19, 2004
ACE Election Season Gears Up
With the elections for ACE leadership positions coming up this year, candidates have begun to make themselves known, walking the campaign trail, making speeches, and developing important policies related to how ACE members should express their quite important coaster-loving hobby.
Two potential ACE officers made their pitch to the public recently on rec.roller-coaster. Sam Marks presented his qualifications for being ACE Treasurer with his highly unorthodox system for the computation of why this year's CoasterCon is an exceptional value. Essentially, Marks' method favorably compares the actual cost of the aptly-named Con with a computation that calculates what the cost of the equivalent number of days visiting the parks would be, assuming the visit to the parks was made by a complete and utter moron who was unaware that "season passes" exist. Most of the population has been swayed by Marks to agree that they were wrong, and in reality the Con fee is quite affordable for normal people who do not possess a substantial inheritance.
In the same forum thread, Rastus O' Ginga restates his intent to run for president of ACE, admitting that, while Carole Sanderson has done a good job of taking all his alleged advice, he will still run for her office under the platforms of claiming sole credit for any good idea ever concocted by ACE and convincing everyone that "homophobia is so cool."
Although current ACE Secretary Jeff Siefert failed to contribute any profound thoughts to the rec.roller-coaster thread, he assured ARN&R in a private interview that he will seek re-election to the same office on a campaign pledge to "defend racially insensitive jokes in our publications, trash any filthy garbage ACE members for voicing their opinions anywhere if they disagree with mine, and generally continue fighting against the common scum ACE members who aren't on the ACE Executive Committee, since their pathetic opinions don't matter at all."
Posted at 7:16 PM | Link |
Holy Land to Add Hardcore Thrills
Thrilling news has come forth from The Holy Land Experience, Orlando's newest theme park. According to park representatives, a truly exciting expansion will occur in the next two years: the addition of thrill rides.
In order to compete with area theme parks, the management team at THLE will start out with two coasters. First to open will be a family coaster called "The Holy Roller," a heavily-braked spinning mouse from Maurer-Sohne. But this ride will pale in comparison to the massive, bulging monster that will soon be erected nearby.
A representative from The Holy Land Experience had the following to say:
The biggest, baddest and scariest coaster on the planet will be from S&S/Arrow and will incorporate virtually every "trick in the book." It will be like Six Flags Magic Mountain's X, but will be launched to 123 miles per hour via compressed air to shoot up a vertical tower 666 feet, into the top-hat element. Then it penetrates violently down into a tunnel, making the first drop actually 700 feet, thereby negating the devilish height of the initial climb. Emerging from the tunnel, the train will negotiate 13 loops including the newest inversion, the "soixante-neuf" element. The only possible name for this coaster, seeing as it will surely be the scariest coaster ever: "The B'Jesus."
An extremely reliable source claims indisputable evidence, namely his overhearing two park employees talking, that B'Jesus will open just in time for The Holy Land Experience's infamous and popular Gay Days in early summer, 2005.
Wednesday, February 18, 2004
New Ride Problematic for Designers
Universal Studios Florida's design team is having great difficulties with how to handle their upcoming thrill ride, League of Extraordinary Gentleman: The Experience, say sources. The gigantic thrill ride, reported to cost over 200 million dollars, is based on the film that proved to be a massive hit both with critics and audiences around the globe, and is set to begin construction soon after the substantial Mummy ride opens. However, the designers have reached an impasse.
"It's just too daunting," said designer Doug Malkey. "How can we contain a movie of such magnificence, such acting prowess, and such technical brilliance within a mere amusement park ride? I'm particularly flabbergasted by the whole Venice sequence, which would obviously have to be a part of any great movie ride involving LXG! How, in a single ride, are we to tackle such fabulous and realistic material as a car chase in Venice, or graveyard fights in Venice, or a giant submarine navigating the canals of Venice, and not make it seem retarded compared to the magnificent movie upon which it is based?"
Malkey also noted that "the attention the writers of the movie paid to the original graphic novel and the Victorian-era classics upon which the characters were based is simply astonishing. The writers clearly studied all these books and characters for as much as three minutes before beginning principal photography. They especially knew every detail about Dorian Gray, like how he is immortal, even to bullets, unless he sees his painting. It's amazing how close that is to the actual Oscar Wilde book, which means we'll have to peruse the text even more, say, five minutes, in order to delve further and present more in-depth material that fans will crave!"
Added Malkey, "how can we ever hope to have characters this well-written? How can we write dialogue that won't seem stupid compared to the sheer poetry being spoken in the movie? How can we perfrom special effects that come anywhere near those spectacular shots created for the movie? You know, the explosions and the Hyde effects shots that they farmed out for eight dollars to this six-year-old kid Davey who lives down the street from me? And, most importantly, can we come up with clever ideas like a vampire who walks around in the daylight or a character like Tom Sawyer who is from the wrong era compared to the rest of the characters? It's daunting, I tell you, daunting."
Malkey concluded by noting that "all those old books are really boring since you have to, like, read words or something," so the design team would primarily focus on the brilliant script, well-thought-out plot, and Sean Connery's whoring of his good name for ideas on how to construct a ride that "will do justice to one of the great works of culture ever created by mankind."
Tuesday, February 17, 2004
New Photo Controversy Surrounds Alveys
Robb Alvey, whose photographic exploits have garnered much debate and furor on both coaster forums and newsgroups in the past year, has once again found trouble with the publishing of new photos which document the first night of his honeymoon.
The controversial photos, published last night at themeparkreview.com, provide all viewers with extensive documentation of his own personal "exclusive ERT" with his new wife Elissa the night of his wedding at Walt Disney World.
The exclusive ride time, which, based on the camera's timestamp, appears to have lasted over an hour, drew many criticisms in reference to actions performed in the photographs. Among the complaints so far posted have been "use of a camera during the ERT without permission," "Elissa, at one point, totally standing up," and perhaps the most common complaint: "Robb and Elissa's improper use of restraints."
Alvey, reached just before press time, claims he had the full permission of the Orlando hotel in question for all actions performed in the photographs.
Monday, February 16, 2004
Celebrate the Love With ACN
We've already got a couple of really good Sites O' the Weak lined up and ready to go, but we figured everyone would be really upset if we didn't celebrate Valentine's Day in some fashion. So, this week, join us in bathing and splashing around in the love with America Coasters Network, as they discuss their experiences, or lack thereof, during the holiday.
You might well gag as one poster brags about how "the smooch smooch was totally awesome," and puzzle over the incomprehensibility of the post directly below it, but at least this thread does not feature any weepy, tacky, amateuristic poetry. Yet. Nonetheless, this thread is our Site O' the Weak. Happy Late Valentine's Day!
ARN&R willingly corrects factual errors made on this website. If you feel we have posted something that is incorrect, and sincerely believe we care about your feelings, please feel free to send us an email.
-A recent headline accused ACE Secretary Jeff Seifert of riding an adorable, precious little tricycle. This was partially incorrect; sources tell us this was technically a Big Wheel he was riding. We regret the error.
-We recently claimed in an article that a new Sea World Texas ride called the Shamu Express was not a roller coaster, but was actually a conveyance specifically designed just to cart ACE members around the park. This was a typo.
-Last week, an ARN&R article referred to Clementon Lake Park as "nimrods" for removing Jack Rabbit, one of the world's oldest wood coasters. The actual phrase that should have been used was "dimwitted buffoons." We apologize for this error.
-Within the past few days, an ARN&R staff member claimed in an article that he was "really looking forward to the upcoming season at Quassy Amusement Park." This, of course, is completely untrue. Under the assumption that this staff member is either a compulsive liar or bats**t crazy, he was been temporarily suspended and placed under observation. We apologize for the inconvenience.
Sunday, February 15, 2004
Nine Billion Wild Adventures Signs All Fail to Mention Park's Coasters Shut Down During Slightest Drizzle
Coaster enthusiast Kirk James, 31, was "unbelievably pissed" and "full of boiling hatred for" Wild Adventures Theme Park this weekend.
"I can't believe this f**king place," snarled James, spittle flying out of his mouth. "I drove hours out of my way to go to this stupid park, since they added about four coasters since my last visit, and subjected myself to the univiting landscape of Southern Georgia and Northern Florida, not to mention at least eight gatrillion insipid South-of-the-Border-like billboard ads for the park. And then I pull up to the gates, and what do I see? Not coasters running, I'll tell you that much!"
James noted that, while the park advertises itself as an amazing thrill park, they shut down every single coaster in the park due to weather conditions, which consisted of a terrifying light sprinkle and a horrifying cool breeze.
James went on: "None of the fifty trillion stupid Wild Adventures billboards mentioned that the park would close down at the slightest hint of a relative humidity over 20%. And their imbecilic radio station also failed to mention that they're big, fat p**sies who are terrified of a light mist. Don't they know it's safe to run coasters in a slight drizzle? They were running all the stupid flat rides, which, for some reason, must be safe. Of course, they sure didn't mind charging full parking and admission so dumbass people could go inside and sit on the Ferris Wheel and watch whatever idiotic shows are indoors."
James further noted that "also, the woman at Guest Services I politely called from the parking lot to see if any coasters might actually run under any circumstance that day was a rude bitch. I certainly did not pay for parking or admission, and instead drove the f**k home. Hope they don't expect to see my ass at their dumb park again."
James concluded by stating a moderately strong desire for Wild Adventures to "cram Cheetah up its ass." Officials for the amusement park, located outside of gorgeous, scenic, cultural, and not-at-all-filled-with-Deliverance-extras Valdosta, Georgia, refused to comment.
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Our favorite review: "as a joke it [ARN&R] wasn't that funny. all of my family take parks very seriuslyand all thow we laffed after time we were apoled by the joke."
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