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One of these people is very happy. One is not. Every time a bell rings, a roundish coaster enthusiast gets his wings! Sorry to inform you that "Mister Donut" translates as "Pastry filled with feces" "What do we want? BRAINS! When do we want them? BRAINS!" "And then we sold this man a fifteen-year-old Walkman for $200 and told him it was the next-generation iPod!" Okay, really, now you're just photoshopping in the same stupid pose in front of stock photography for each park. Costumed worker at Japanese park on day TPR visits: Worst. Temp. Job. Ever.
More headlines below the ads...
Hello, Japan! We will be annoying you for the next several days. This is almost like interacting with another human. More gravy, fewer noodles, please. "Hey, we're in Japan! Let's, um, bowl! That should really expose us to new cultures! "...and then let's go to Denny's!" "I wonder if I could get an on-ride video of this drum..." Why exactly would the photographer yell out "Act like utter morons, anyway? ...and dozens of Japanese commuters collapse from the smell at once Dude, that's totally Spicoli in the middle. It's so nice to be somewhere that's open to different, er, preferences What Has Happened to CoasterBuzz? Wild West World Owners Next Spending $40 Million on Roller Disco-Themed Park Hollywood Horror Nights to Feature Enormous Animatronic Goldie Hawn In Further Improvements to Son of Beast, Cedar Fair to Add Whiny Guy with Body Odor Tapping Patrons' Shoulders Repeatedly, Asking "Does This Bug You?" Hard-Hitting Journalist Rather Proud of Transitions Sunglasses, Intense Journalistic Stare Q. Why Don't Enthusiasts Get Dates? A. Here's a Start. Hundreds of Enthusiasts Simultaneously Discover Working in Amusement Park Sucks, Fellow Employees Hate Them Six Flags Right In Touch With Hot Trends Intamin Admits Maverick Designed by Ron Toomer with Bendy Wire Hangers; Says, "Computers are Expensive!" Enthusiasts Practice Saying "Mas Tapas" Repeatedly Gravy Futures Way, Way Up Carowinds Employees Assimilated
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Friday, March 26, 2004
Tatooine Traders Offers New Gift Items Reeling from poor sales the past several quarters, the Tatooine Traders store at Disney-MGM Studios Theme Park has announced a new series of gift items that is hoped to draw more customers to the shop. "Although the Star Tours ride empties directly into the Tatooine Traders, we have seen sales lag more and more," noted park rep E. Chauncy VanBentheusen III recently. "The fact that the ride seems increasingly more lame with each passing year perhaps plays a small role in the lack of sales at Tatooine Traders, but an additional problem is that we got rid of all the exotic gifts like the rare comics and obscure books and vintage materials from the original trilogy and just decided to sell obnoxious Jar Jar crap." VanBentheusen added, "We now see this mistake, and we plan to add unique and creative items to entice the big Star Wars fans to buy more useless junk here and keep the store in business." An asisstant to VanBentheusen then unveiled the new product line, a spectacular set of mugs, T-shirts, and jock straps intricately themed to the popular "Chewbacca Ate My Balls!" website. "We're expecting hordes of people clogging the store now," said VanBentheusen. "Who wouldn't want a T-shirt with a picture of Chewbacca saying 'Your Balls Are MINE!!'? "That's a rhetorical question," he added, after pausing dramatically. Tatooine Traders expects to have the shipments of the new gift items in stock within the next week. VanBentheusen further noted that, if the venture proved profitable, the shop might further expand with "Luke Ate My Balls" and "Ewoks Ate My Balls" products. --JCK Posted at 5:32 PM | Link | 0 comment(s)
Thursday, March 25, 2004
Vekoma Copyrights Phrase With the recent news that Donald Trump has sought to copyright the phrase "You're fired!" by filing with the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office, others are stepping forward in an effort to obtain exclusive rights to things that millions of people have said. This morning, Vekoma, a Dutch roller coaster design firm, announced that it had filed for a copyright with the same United States office, requesting exclusive rights for all merchandising based on the phrase they claim to be intimately associated with their product. "Vekoma has lost substantial amounts of money over the past few years due to others using our phrase," said Vekoma rep Megan Blauvelt. "For that reason, we wish to protect our interests by filing to have our exclusive proprietary rights to our intellectual property recognized in the United States. Soon, only Vekoma will be able to use the famous catchphrase 'Ow! Shit! Damn it! My head! Ow! Crap! My back! Son of a bitch! Let me off this piece of shit! Ow! Ow! My kidneys! Ouch! Ow! Ow!' in marketing and business ventures." A challenge to this copyright filing has been made by the rival coaster product manufacturer Gerstlauer. A brief submitted by the corporation states that "the catchphrase was coined by riders of wooden coasters using trains from our corporation" and that "the issue would be taken to the courts if necessary, in order to prserve our ability to profit from something that we designed." --JCK Posted at 3:13 PM | Link | 0 comment(s)
New Vekoma Boomerang 3D Simulator to Open At Excalibur Excalibur, the struggling "family-oriented" hotel and casino in Las Vegas, has dipped its hand into the 3D simulator market with its new experience, "The Vekoma Boomerang." "Sadly, not many people in American have been able to experience the Vekoma Boomerang due to its rareness in amusement parks across this country," stated Dough Hirschlinger, Excalibur's head of entertainment. "We hope to solve this obvious drought with our latest state-of-the-art attraction." The simulator, which is estimated to cost approximately ten times the amount of buying and constructing an actual Vekoma Boomerang, plans to simulate "exactly what it is like to ride a Vekoma Boomerang," continued Hirschlinger. "This will include, of course, a projected 3D image of the ride experience itself, but also so much more." In addition to the 3D film of the experience, riders will experience such sensations as real wind and forceful chair vibrations. Excalibur is also introducing new "Jackhammer Technology" which will make the ride even more realistic. Once the roller coaster begins its trek from its initial backward ascent, small hammers will come out from behind the audiences' seats, striking them multiple times in different parts of the head, leading to "a precise replication of what it is like to ride a Vekoma Boomerang." Advil, which is co-sponsoring the attraction, has added that it will be opening a special stall outside the exit offering double tablets of their product at the low price of $10 a dose. --MOS Posted at 12:25 AM | Link | 0 comment(s)
Wednesday, March 24, 2004
EU Orders Six Flags to Offer Coasters with Trains Unbundled Despite Six Flags's announced intention to sell all of its European parks to outside investors, the European Union issued its ruling yesterday in its antitrust investigation of the international park chain. In addition to a substantial fine, Six Flags will be required to offer European consumers two versions of all of its coasters. The first version of the coasters will remain the same as they presently are. The second, however, will "unbundle" the trains, permitting customers to bring their own trains to be attached to the tracks or, alternatively, to simply walk around the tracks without any trains. EU competition commissioner Mario Monti told reporters in Brussels on Wednesday that Six Flags had "for too long abused consumers by requiring that, if they wished to ride Six Flags's coasters, the customers also use Six Flags's coaster trains. This is unfair to consumers and unfair to competitors. Our ruling will help consumer choice and innovation." Six Flags announced that, while it will also appeal the ruling, it will start construction of duplicates of all of its European coasters within thirty days. Thus far it has avoided EU scrutiny of its bundling of hot dogs with buns. Attorneys general in the United States are reportedly considering action against the park chain for its requirement that customers ride coasters using only the software provided by the manufacturers, but they are expected to completely wuss out at the last minute and settle for four dollars and a free Bugs Bunny shirt. Posted at 10:17 AM | Link | 0 comment(s)
Tuesday, March 23, 2004
Coaster Dynamics Announces “The Dragon” Coaster Dynamix recently released a new coaster model kit that has swarms of coaster enthusiasts and toy fans drooling. One of our intrepid reporters was able to obtain a copy of the new press release from the company, presented in its entirety below: Press Release From Coaster Dynamix Hey roller coaster fans! We know that you don't have a lot of room in your parents’ basement. But you will want to clear off that table holding your collection of cups and glasses from parks around the country for our first offering -- The Dragon. Just when you thought your amusement-park-paraphernalia-laden residence couldn't get any more crowded, we are offering the chance of a lifetime. Our working roller coaster model is available for only $500 (plus shipping and handling)! You will get minutes of enjoyment watching a piece of plastic ascend an amazing three feet in height and then go up and down until it does the whole thing over again. Few pieces of coaster craftsmanship will give you the satisfaction of knowing that you just spent several hundred dollars for something you will use for five minutes and never play with again (much like that blow-up doll you never cleaned after the first use and now sits in the corner attracting ants). We know that in this economy five hundred dollars is a lot of money. Yes, your parents would like you to save that money and get your own place, and there are countless charities needing money to continue their work to feed and clothe the less fortunate (which is surprising considering the way the tax cuts boosted the economy -- lazy poor people). But, let's be honest. You have no friends, your pay at Papa John's got bumped up to seven dollars per hour, and you finished paying off the interest on that porn you bought online. It’s time to live a little! Coaster Dynamix expects to sell hundreds, if not thousands, of those handcrafted pieces of architectural finery in the next few days. Don't delay, order yours today! --Lovingly Uploaded By FMB Posted at 4:04 PM | Link | 0 comment(s)
Walking Around Universale [sic] Studios Makes You Ache Like You Had Amazing Sex It's one of the weirdest amusement park trip reports ever posted online. It's also our new Site O' the Weak. We couldn't do it justice if we attempted to describe it, so just go read it. Posted at 1:11 AM | Link | 0 comment(s)
Monday, March 22, 2004
Coaster Enthusiast Finds Woman of His Dreams As a rule, coaster enthusiasts have trouble locating an attractive member of the opposite sex with whom they can mate and make wild rutting sounds. However, bucking the monumental trend of enthusiasts unable to find a soul mate is Richard Serpa, 41. According to Serpa, after decades of loneliness and vigorous hourly self-stimulation to illegally-obtained onboard ride footage, he will soon be "totally set with the poontang." "I knew I'd find my special someone eventually," said Serpa. "Sometimes it can be kind of hard to meet the chicks. I live in my parents' basement, I have a really small penis, and I have no social skills at all. I spend almost the entire day looking at coaster rumor sites, practicing my tuba, eating cheeseburgers and fistfuls of suet, and feebly ejaculating onto my coaster snow globe collection. It seemed like these were traits that would not enable me to find someone to polish my knob to a lustrous shine, but I never despaired, and now I am almost to the Promised Land." ARN&R has learned that the object of Serpa's affections is The World's Most Pretentious Female Writer. Experts note that no person, male or female, could possibly resist the urge to give themselves a quick hand-o-gram when faced with the following prose: Oh, tortured artist, tie me up, destroy me, then toss me under your floor-bound mattress and forget I exist! It is better to feel your footprints than your absence! Although vegetarian, I enthusiastically pant over the scent of a cowhide jacket and/or boots. I am the Collie in heat and this boy my rawhide chewtoy. I do not realize my question is unanswered. Instead I am sucked into his profound black hole of existence. As a child I once attended a circus and saw a lion tamer attacked by the most beautiful lion to ever be caged. The tamer was bleeding, but not badly harmed. He looked more shocked that this creature who he had surely loved and committed so much effort to taming had lashed out in such a way. Wild things are beautiful, but that is no reason to cage them. However, although the beautiful words surely arouse all who read them, Serpa feels a special connection to the writer because of another quote from the sumptuous text: I realize there is a type of person who does not enjoy rollarcoasters, and maybe this ho-hum lifestyle of Tupperware, TV Guides and PTA meetings is all The Universe has prescribed for one who sits on a bench as friends above squeal with delight from the Super Dooper Looper. "Every male coaster enthusiast knows there's a totally hot coaster chick out there just for him to churn the man butter with, even though there are like three hot coaster chicks who have ever lived," said Serpa. "When I read this text, I knew this piece of tail was smart, could spell good, was hot, and, most importantly, knew how to reference roller coasters in general and one at Hersheypark, my favorite, in specific. We're in love, and I'm all ready to play hide the salami with that awesome piece of trim." Under thorough questioning, Serpa admitted he had not actually met the writer, nor even written to her, but that he thought "things were progressing really well" and "marriage and lots of amusement park trips and f**king" were definitely upcoming within a matter of weeks. When asked to comment, Serpa's mother noted that she would be able to sleep better if he would "stop making those moaning, squealing, and slapping sounds when he reads his favorite website." --JCK Posted at 1:37 PM | Link | 0 comment(s)
Sunday, March 21, 2004
ACE Courts Young Members With New Website The American Coaster Enthusiasts unveiled a new version of their website this morning, one designed to attract the all-important young coaster enthusiasts of tommorrow to the organization. "This new version of the official ACE website will draw in eager young blood by creating a fun 'ACE Camp' atmosphere in which the kids can learn and play," said ACE President, High Munificent Matriarch, and Supreme Master of the Wildebeest Lash Carole Sanderson. "We've also noticed that most of our regular adult members prefer the new child-friendly website, claiming that it uses fewer big words and is very easy to understand. Some say it's pretty addictive!" "With more exciting, intelligent, and dazzlingly colored sections of the ACE website opening up daily, including Big Bad Boys, The Aliens, and Birthday Cake, we believe we have a website that will draw in new members by the billions," added Sanderson. "And these eerily similar mantras posted on each page of the site are not at all creepy!" Sanderson then suddenly and inexplicably adopted a glazed-over zombie expression before droning out the following in a deep, resonant robot voice: We learned many things like take apart. Our favorite part of ACE Camp is Take-Apart. Take-Apart is our favorite because you get to take things apart. Kids shoud come to ACE Camp because they would have fun. Parents should let their kids come to ACE Camp because they would learn a lot of new things. ARN&R will update further as more information about the new ACE website becomes available. --JCK Posted at 7:54 PM | Link | 0 comment(s)
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