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One of these people is very happy. One is not. Every time a bell rings, a roundish coaster enthusiast gets his wings! Sorry to inform you that "Mister Donut" translates as "Pastry filled with feces" "What do we want? BRAINS! When do we want them? BRAINS!" "And then we sold this man a fifteen-year-old Walkman for $200 and told him it was the next-generation iPod!" Okay, really, now you're just photoshopping in the same stupid pose in front of stock photography for each park. Costumed worker at Japanese park on day TPR visits: Worst. Temp. Job. Ever.
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Hello, Japan! We will be annoying you for the next several days. This is almost like interacting with another human. More gravy, fewer noodles, please. "Hey, we're in Japan! Let's, um, bowl! That should really expose us to new cultures! "...and then let's go to Denny's!" "I wonder if I could get an on-ride video of this drum..." Why exactly would the photographer yell out "Act like utter morons, anyway? ...and dozens of Japanese commuters collapse from the smell at once Dude, that's totally Spicoli in the middle. It's so nice to be somewhere that's open to different, er, preferences What Has Happened to CoasterBuzz? Wild West World Owners Next Spending $40 Million on Roller Disco-Themed Park Hollywood Horror Nights to Feature Enormous Animatronic Goldie Hawn In Further Improvements to Son of Beast, Cedar Fair to Add Whiny Guy with Body Odor Tapping Patrons' Shoulders Repeatedly, Asking "Does This Bug You?" Hard-Hitting Journalist Rather Proud of Transitions Sunglasses, Intense Journalistic Stare Q. Why Don't Enthusiasts Get Dates? A. Here's a Start. Hundreds of Enthusiasts Simultaneously Discover Working in Amusement Park Sucks, Fellow Employees Hate Them Six Flags Right In Touch With Hot Trends Intamin Admits Maverick Designed by Ron Toomer with Bendy Wire Hangers; Says, "Computers are Expensive!" Enthusiasts Practice Saying "Mas Tapas" Repeatedly Gravy Futures Way, Way Up Carowinds Employees Assimilated
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Friday, April 23, 2004
Paramount's Canada's Wonderland Announces New Footloose Coaster At a press conference today, representatives of Paramount's Canada's Wonderland made the official announcement of a long-rumored ride to debut at the park early in the 2005 season. Footloose: The Ride, set to open in May of next year, will be a Bolliger & Mabillard-designed floorless coaster themed to the thrilling and critically-acclaimed Kevin Bacon dance film. "Huh," said Screamscape webmaster Lance Hart. "I heard rumors of this ride ages ago, and I've had it listed at Screamscape for months, but I always was sort of thinking it was some sort of joke or something. Guess the joke's on me." "Getting a B&M coaster themed to Footloose makes so much sense for Paramount's Canada's Wonderland," said park rep Willie O' Keefe. "Everything just fits together perfectly. For instance, think about this: We will have a ride called Footloose: The Ride here next season. B&M will build Footloose: The Ride for us. That company also built Medusa at Six Flags Great Adventure. Six Flags Great Adventure is of course run by Six Flags, Inc., which also runs Six Flags Magic Mountain. Six Flags Magic Mountain has a ride called the Revolution. Well, Revolution is a coaster that Kevin Bacon rode four years ago during a free weekend he had between filming Hollow Man and Novocaine. Just six degrees of separation! Isn't that incredible?" "It is incredible," said another PCW rep, Ray Duquette. "I was just talking about it the other day with two of our managers, Valentine McKee and David Labraccio, and we came up with this astounding tidbit: We are building Footloose: The Ride. That ride will be located next to another ride called Top Gun. Top Gun was designed by Vekoma, and Vekoma also created the Rock 'N' Roller Coaster at Disney/MGM Studios. Disney/MGM is a theme park in the same large Disney World complex, where the Magic Kingdom also resides, and Kevin Bacon visited the Magic Kingdom with his family when he was twelve years old! Isn't that just jaw-dropping?" When asked for comment, Kevin Bacon politely asked that people leave him alone. --JCK Posted at 6:57 PM | Link | 0 comment(s)
Thursday, April 22, 2004
Imagineers Stumped by Mr. Toad Concept Disney Imagineers are reportedly at what one inside source calls "a total dead end" in their attempt to create an exciting theme park attraction based on Mr. Toad's Wild Ride. "With the DVD release of the movie called Mr. Toad's Wild Ride, Disney has the rare opportunity to tie in a successful property by creating a ride at the Magic Kingdom based on Mr. Toad," says the source. "Disney already owns the U.S. film and ride rights to The Wind in the Willows due to their older animated film deal involving the book, but this newer movie really gives a kick-start to the idea of producing a fun attraction based on Mr. Toad and pals. Unfortunately, no one has the slightest idea of how to create a ride based on this book or on the movies based upon it!" The source then slapped his head crisply for emphasis. One ride concept, discarded by Disney, would have featured themed cars that zipped speedily and wildly turned through scenes from The Wind in the Willows. The working title for this concept was "Mr. Toad's Wild Ride." The source was unable to decipher why this idea was scrapped. "The only thing certain about the new ride is that it will involve Mr. Toad in some way, and it will replace that Pooh ride at Magic Kingdom," said the source. "Everyone knows that thing blows, so we won't be getting any nasty hate mail about removing a popular classic attraction or anything." --JCK Posted at 4:59 PM | Link | 0 comment(s)
Ebert, Scott, Mitchell Abandon Careers Three influential film critics -- Roger Ebert of the Chicago Sun-Times, A.O. Scott of the New York Times, and Elvis Mitchell of the L.A. Times -- today simultaneously announced that they were retiring, effective immediately, citing the presence of a new group of critics who "just blew us away." The new group, a consortium of critics posting their musings at CoasterForce, rose to international prominence with their collective thoughts on The Girl Next Door. Chach45, who is reportedly being interviewed for a position with Film Threat, opened the Algonquin Table-like discussion with "Ok ok ok... for those who don't know, a new movie named 'The Girl Next Door' is coming out on April 9th. Personally, I can't wait, mostly because Elisha Cuthbert is in it, and she is the hottest woman on planet Earth! What do you guys think about Elisha/the movie?" After pondering Chach45's meditative and insightful posting, ioainme held forth on the underlying themes of the film: "cant wait to see it looks good." After learning that noted thespian Elisha Cuthbert portrays an adult film actress, future New York Times critic PreppieBoy9489 gave his highest review, previously reserved for The English Patient: "Does she really? *writes on hand to GO SEE THAT MOVIE!!!*" Chach45, hoping to facilitate the continued insightful development of the discussion, rejoined the conversation: "Yes, yes it is true. My buddy saw the sneak preview... she plays an ex porn star who meets an up tight guy and turns him crazy and stuff.. and you see her butt in small underwear CANT WAIT!" But Chach45 was not to have the last word. Instead, coolcat13 set forth what is likely to be the last word not only on the film, but also on film criticism, introducing the revolutionary concept of relying on Canadian provincial film ratings boards for the determination of a film's quality: "It does look like a shit film but with lots of T&A. lol I also heard on the radio that Ontario is one of the only provinces rating the movie 14A, everywhere else it's going to be 18A or mature..so then you know it's going to be good." The intellectual back-and-forth continued with Chach45's rapier-like response: "It does not look like shite movie! It looks great! What's better then the hottest woman on the planet playing a porn star? NOTHING!" Then, out of nowhere, dannybark cut to the heart of the matter: "lets be realistic, will elisha cuthbert actually get proper naked in this film or even show sumthin?.. its doubtful." Not since Janet Maslin's early advocacy for key art films has a writer had such an insight. And while the conversation continued for a period, all the following postings are clearly mere afterthoughts to dannybark's brilliance. Ebert, Scott and Mitchell collectively sighed upon reading the thread. "Our careers are done," said Ebert, the first film critic to receive a Pulitzer Prize. "Indeed," said A.O. Scott, who many believe has filled Janet Maslin's position at the Times with great success. And Mitchell -- widely considered the most promising young critic in America -- simply curled up into the fetal position, weeping. At press time, CoasterForce was reportedly determining if it could assert copyright on the postings. Experts estimate that simply the Girl Next Door postings could result in the site owners becoming millionaires if published in book form. Posted at 10:06 AM | Link | 0 comment(s)
Tuesday, April 20, 2004
Dollywood's Thunderhead Better Than Sex, Says Enthusiast Speaking Entirely Hypothetically Dollywood's new GCI wooden coaster Thunderhead has been getting rave reviews. From declarations that it is the number one wooden coaster in the world to more specific comparisons to Raven and the like, enthusiast response has been strong, to say the least. Joining in the chorus of praise is 29-year-old enthusiast Prescott Selby of Oregon. Selby, whose coaster count is over 300, traveled thousands of miles to attend Thunderhead's opening and declares it the greatest wooden coaster anywhere, stating that it is "better than sex, or at least better than I imagine sex might be had I ever participated in such activity, which I haven't." "From the start of the lift hill through the airtime and laterals, Thunderhead delivers in every respect, much like I would suspect a lengthy evening of sweet lovemaking would deliver," said Selby, whose last female contact was an accidental brushing of his hand by the cashier at the Stop 'n' Go over four weeks ago. "My feelings of satisfaction were even greater than those described to me by those people I have spoken with whom have in fact had sex. My whooping and hollering upon returning to the station were remarkably like the sounds I have heard emanating from the apartment next to mine, where Joe and his series of girlfriends are having what I must assume is hot all-night action. Yep, Thunderhead is much better than entirely hypothetical sex!" Selby concluded: "I sure am glad Thunderhead is here to provide me this satisfaction, so now I don't have to feel bad about not getting any." Posted at 9:51 AM | Link | 0 comment(s)
Monday, April 19, 2004
What is Worse...Losing a Historic Wood Coaster or Having to Eat at a Non-Chain Restaurant? That's the question answered enthusiastically by dozens of hungry coaster enthusiasts with no sense of taste, as our Site O' the Weak focuses on the infamous rec.roller-coaster thread where the announcement is made that Miracle Strip has been sold to land developers. Almost no one posting demonstrates any concern whatsoever that Miracle Strip and the Starliner will be destroyed late this year for a strip mall, and instead the forum participants use the topic as an excuse to talk, endlessly, about how great it would be if there were only chain restaurants around, so they could never be challenged or have to experience anything outside of their own boring, useless existence. Merely using an on-topic thread as an excuse to talk about food, a standard trick used by many coaster enthusiasts, is certainly enough to get consideration for the SOW, but this topic gets shot right to the top for also blatantly ignoring the destruction of a good coaster just to talk about food, and for showcasing opinions that are, remarkably, even more stupid than the average useless drivel that spews from the mouths of typical enthusiasts. Yes, this is the same thread referenced in an article earlier this week. It is indeed a first for ARN&R to reuse a link from an earlier story as the Site O' the Weak, as we naturally strive to bring you as many dreadful websites about amusement parks as possible. However, this thread is so execrable, it deserves the extra attention, and since we aren't able to give the forum participants the hosing down with pressurized sewage they richly deserve, we might as well just point out how stupid they are over and over. --JCK Posted at 12:23 PM | Link | 0 comment(s)
Sunday, April 18, 2004
Absolutely Reliable News & Rumors: We Have Ne F*cky Attitude As always, we at ARN&R like to let you know when your favorite and/or most reviled amusement park satire blog is being discussed elsewhere on the web. For instance, our extremely tasteful, family-friendly, and girlfriend-pleasing little number about the Beaver Land Mine Ride has received both props and scorn at two different forums: Zero G Network and Coaster Net (which incidentally features one forum participant practically begging for us to make fun of the site). However, one of our favorite forum discussions of all time has to be the one at Freizeitparkweb, a German site. Although one of our editors took two years of German in college and could probably hack some sort of moderately bad translation together with a couple hours of painstaking work, or we could just bother some German friends and make them tell us what it means, we actually found it to be much more hilarious (and far less time-consuming) just to run the thing through our free crapola online translator. Here's exactly what the stupid thing came up with: ------------------------------------- Alternative to "Screamscape" Not always wittily, sometimes for it the more: ------------------------------------- As an answer to contribution No. 0 Relatively old, but over and over again entertaining... Good English knowledge is from are of use... --------------------------------------- Say sometimes, Bjorni... ... do you need, actually, still candles for yours Robb-Alvey-Altar? (I have his Segway-Gesulze ' sometimes geblurt - no notion whether this fells anyhow under personal spiritual (*PRUST *) property or thus ...) Greeting, Tim highly embarrassing thinks that you even his kind to sign Postings copy man ------------------------------------------ As an answer to contribution No. 1 > Relatively old, but over and over again entertaining... Br?ndli, You have ' ne f*cky attitude! Your superfluous comments have the nutritional value of old Rosti. In contrast to your unjustified arrogance ARNR becomes daily updated, and earns now and then a tip, as well as You now and then a reference. Dragon even on onride.de gebasht becomes Khan, simply come sometimes a little bit on the ground, then klappts also in the US forums. > > The only difference between VEKOMA and ALZHEIMER is PAIN. Greeting, trick him relatively old, but is entertaining Track over and over again ---------------------------------------------------- As an answer to contribution No. 3 Ha?! What have I made now wrong? I do not understand the post of Tim already at all, and I believe you, tricktrack, have not understood my post completely. If the intention had to say in keinster whiteness what the wrong.... Otherwise, tschuldige The only difference between genius and insanity is success. Greeting, Dragon bissche is irritated Khan --------------------------------------------------- The general gist seems to be that some Germans like our site and some think we suck. Or something. We also once used the free translator tool on a Dutch website that mentioned us back in late 2002, and we came up with ridiculous comments like "Very good well-being lark this!" so it appears quite likely that said free translator tools are not entirely reliable. For instance, you should probably not use it to do your French homework, or you will get, at best, an F-. --JCK Posted at 12:30 AM | Link | 0 comment(s)
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