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Friday, May 21, 2004
Enthusiasts Call on Political Clout to Re-Open LeSourdsville Lake
Monroe, OH: Grass roots supporters campaigning to reopen the tragedy-stricken LeSourdsville Lake amusement park have decided to take their case straight to the top. This ARN&R reporter was privy to an exclusive email being circulated among Ohio area coaster enthusiasts:
Fellow “Save LSL” members, it’s time to get serious. We have to attract the attention of a leader who can do something about our problems. A leader who has always supported us and the enthusiast community. At last, we have our opportunity to speak to the most powerful man in Ohio: Mayor McCheese. I’ve heard that the Mayor himself will be working out of his Monroe area office, near the Ohio 63-Interstate 75 interchange. If we can bring our “Save LSL” petition and message, it’s a sure thing that he will listen to us. We need to make a bold statement – so please let’s all meet at 7 PM in the PlayPlace, near the ball crawl. At that time we can organize and protest outside of the Mayor’s office, which is believed to be accessed via a secret door in the men’s room. See you there – and until then, keep the faith!
While the meeting is being advertised in local papers to gather interested parties, the fact that organization leaders plan to approach Mayor McCheese is being kept a secret from the general public. “The fact that the Mayor will be there is my own ‘special sauce,’” said representative Scott Fowler. “I don’t want a bunch of people to show up just because they want to see the Mayor or bring their own issues about the rampant hamburgling that has been happening in nearby towns.” When looked at with raised eyebrows, Fowler grew indignant, saying, “What? Why are you looking at me like that? Your skepticism is what is keeping this great theme park down!” and ended the interview.
You Mildly Tolerate Us! You Really Mildly Tolerate Us!
Well, amongst all of the nasty, bad things all these people are saying about us, there is some evidence that three or four people out there actually enjoy our website!
-We are pleased to announce that ARN&R has received the 2004 Northern Exposure Award for Best Coaster Site (Besides WC, of course). This is our first award since being named the Onride Central Site of the Month in February 2003, though our longtime fan probably remembers that we are often nominated for and soundly crushed in the yearly Coasterbuzz awards. Our thanks to Lucas Meeker for the Northern Exposure Award.
-We've never won anything at Rec.Roller-Coaster. However, at least a few people there think we're funny.
-Although we've been suffering mightily from that terrifying Anti-ARN&R Petition, which obviously consists entirely of signatures added by people who are completely serious about the petition, we're pleased to see that some nice folks have created a Petition Against the Petition Against ARN&R. Sadly, it appears that the original petition is much more fun to play with...only two people have signed the new one as of this writing, one of which is an ARN&R writer who already happily signed the petition against himself, and the other is a known crack addict.
Thursday, May 20, 2004
Six Flags Tijuana's Signature Ride Facing Protests and Complaints
Six Flags Tijuana's heavily themed Intamin Drop Tower, "The Big Boner," is under fire once again.
This time, the attraction is being protested by the American Family Association, which decries the ride as being "categorically obscene."
The Drop Tower, heavily themed to resemble the title of the ride, boasts only one circular car which wraps around the tower and is themed to resemble a giant hand. Upon reaching the top of the tower, the car shoots down in a fast stroking motion, then bounces repeatedly at the base until finally resting on the ground. Upon the completion of each ride, the top of the tower explodes with a fountain of water, drenching happy park guests below.
"We at Six Flags simply do not find this ride obscene," reported Six Flags CEO Gary Story. "The Big Boner represents what comes to all of our minds when we think of Tijuana, and as such The Big Boner should be seen as a treasure, not an eyesore."
More on Six Flags Tijuana as this story develops.
Wednesday, May 19, 2004
Paramount's King's Dominion to Pay Close Attention to Thrill Nerds
The need among amusement park enthusiasts to send silly petitions is definitely a disease that's catching lately. Aside from the anti-ARN&R petition started by WildOne, which is having a really tremendous effect on shutting down ARN&R and reducing its massive revenue stream, another group has decided to make its mark and bring about change for humanity through its petition: the Thrill Nerds. Yes, you read that right. The Thrill Nerds. At least they don't pretend to be anything they aren't.
Got a beef with Paramount's King's Dominion? Pay close attention to the Thrill Nerds:
All you have to do to participate is get as many people as you can to write all the things that they cant stand or dislike about the park, and what they think they should do to improve and maybe gain that persons attendance to the park...these will all be organized into a LONG list of things and there write ups that you wrote, and will be sent to Kings Dominion. With Kings Dominions replies we will be organizing them yet again into a petition and have as many people as we can get to sign it to say they should do something.
The directions on the site go on to elaborate on the rules for sending complaints to PKD:
All write ups must have at least 5 things that a person has noticed that needs improvement with the parks and all 5 must have there way to fix the problem. The more problems the better
Indeed, the more problems the better. We've always found that sending a huge list of bitches and moans to a major corporate entity gets a prompt and courteous response. Volume is the key to gaining respect.
Of course, you may also "feel free to write along with your bad things some positive impute for the park to here. they will like that."
At ARN&R, we always enjoy our "positive impute," and tend to be very concerned with readers who send hate mail listing thousands of ways they would like to see us die, just so long as they tell us something nice, too, like we use the phrase "coaster tools" the right amount or that we're exceedinly physically attractive. We're sure PKD will be easily seduced into fixing every stupid complaint the Thrill Nerds have because they get warm fuzzies after someone throws in the comment that "I hate dozens of things about your park, but your Vulcans are sexier than ever this season."
Don't forget, be sure to list every single thing you can possibly think of that you don't like about PKD, go to our Site O' the Weak, and tell the Thrill Nerds what you think. King's Dominion will undoubtedly be quivering in its boots and filling its underwear within mere days.
Six Flags New England Challenges Agawam Postal Workers To Softball Game
In a recent gesture of workplace bonding and camaraderie, the Six Flags New England staff challenged the Agawam postal workers to a nine inning softball game. The game, which began on Sunday morning, lasted 17 hours and concluded in a draw upon both sides realizing they had not appointed anyone to keep score. Each team cited numerous reasons for the inability of the game to reach a swift conclusion.
"Well, first of all the Agawam Postal Workers were five hours late," reported Six Flags Ride Operations Manager Ted Gainey, "and that was fine, as all of us at Six Flags understand being a little late. Then, after the game got started, there were a few delays."
Some of the delays included:
* The Six Flags ride operators took approximately ten to fifteen minutes to walk from batters area to home plate, often checking their bats while batting upwards of five times for no apparent reason while everyone waited for them to play.
* The switch from offense to defense would take up to one hour as each side demanded much-needed "ciggie breaks."
* Six Flags, in a cost saving gesture, insisted on using a single baseball for the entire game, forcing long delays after every home run and foul ball.
* Six Flags spent significant periods of time arguing that the field would be cost much less to maintain if the distances between the bases were reduced to approximately eight feet and baserunners were required to slow down dramatically any time they approached a sprint.
* The Agawam Postal Workers were often delayed on defense due to the players consistently losing their own gloves and various other equipment, causing them to either go to the store to buy new ones or stop play until they found them, often finding them in unlikely and absurd places.
Both team captains denied the charge that the reason for the length of the game was due to both teams' players being "lazy, incompetent bastards."
Tuesday, May 18, 2004
Six Flags Explains Old Guy Ads
Kieran Burke, Chairman of the Board and Chief Executive Officer of Six Flags Theme Parks, today further explained in an exclusive ARN&R interview the logic behind the chain's national ad campaign, featuring a wildly dancing elderly man.
"This year's national ad campaign is the first on a national basis we have ever ran since we purchased Six Flags in 1998. Prior to this year's campaign, we concentrated our advertising efforts in drawing customers from our local market. Since we have seriously pissed off all of these patrons with closed rides, trash-dump theming, and having to navigate over six years of human excrement at our facilities, we recognized the need to expand our efforts to the national level."
Burke continued: "For this campaign, we decided on an iconic figure that would collectively draw people together. Many people have wondered and speculated why we chose an old man. Even though masses of enthusiasts have come up with such ideas as him representing all sorts of new roller coasters to come, including a package of eight new rides for Kentucky Kingdom, I am here to set the record straight on how we came up with Old Guy."
"He is not a senile old man that thinks he will have a good time going to our parks. On the contrary, he represents both the great icons of the Grim Reaper and Satan himself. We felt the Grim Reaper metaphor was accurate to stress our dedication to poor customer service and no training for the operators of our rides. The Satan metaphor shows that we want people to come to our parks to be tortured. Long lines, closed rides, mountains of garbage, employees who mock, throw feces at, and bitch slap our guests represents our alliance with Satan. When we add in the demonic combination of this torture with high prices for such torture, our alliance with Lucifer, Price of Darkness, is solidified."
As his colleague did in the very first ARN&R exclusive story, Burke then made an effort to prevent demonic horns from growing from his head.
Monday, May 17, 2004
Join the Struggle Against ARN&R!
ARN&R is proud to announce that it has formally joined the battle against, well, ARN&R, in two ways.
First, we have formally signed the petition and urge you to do so as well. We can only hope that we will take our views seriously when we receive the petition with our signature on it.
Second, we have provided you several opportunities to pay us money in exchange for products that urge others not to pay us money. Go to the shop and check 'em out! We've got a shirt, a trucker hat, and a badass sticker.
Fight the power! Or at least buy a cheap sticker!
Flat Ride Debuts at Paramount's King's Dominion
A day long-awaited arrived at Paramount's King's Dominion yesterday, as the park unveiled its new signature flat ride, Sir Mix-A-Lot. The heavily-themed Zamperla Mixer is located on a platform above the park's signature Lake Charles. Unlike other rides in the park, Sir Mix-A-Lot will not be a part of any themed land, but is intended to stand alone as its own entity.
"Although the basic ride flips passengers around in time-tested ways, the extensive theming is what makes our ride unique," said PKD public relations director Flapjack Fishhead. "Note that the entire ride is custom-shaped to look like a nice, big, juicy, meaty, round ass. Park guests will just be beggin' for a piece of that bubble, don't you think?"
"This ride looks totally awesome," said theme park lover Thad Marks, 49. "It really looks like it's down to get the friction on. It's themed great, and it has lots of speed and a long ride cycle. It turns around and sticks you out. Even white boys got to shout!"
The site of the new ride had long been rumored as the eventual home of a second coaster that would intertwine with the nearby Ananconda, an Arrow four-looper. When asked whether this second rumored coaster might have been a better fit for the area than a booty-themed flat ride, Riddell held up a hand and informed reporters that "my Anaconda don't want none unless it's got buns."
"Ungh!" he added.
Aside from the extensive butt theming of Sir Mix-A-Lot, the ride also features a clear observation wall completely surrounding the ride, so that, according to Fishhead, excited guests can "put 'em on the glass" if they feel so inclined.
Sunday, May 16, 2004
Enthusiasts Have Questionable Dining Experience
According to a group of enthusiasts, they experienced a highly suspicious and alarming incident while eating at Billy Don's Diner near Busch Gardens Williamsburg today. The four amusement park fans apparently stopped at the diner on their way to BGW in order to have a quick meal for a cheaper price than what they would expect the park to have. However, their choice of diner turned out to be problematic.
"The place was a little dirty and greasy," said Lionel Partridge. "But it smelled okay, so we figured things would be cool. But then when two of us ordered pancakes, the waitress told us we could have them with either syrup or compost."
"Naturally we figured she meant one of the options was compote, not compost," said Partridge. "But it was pretty hilarious to think of our pancakes appearing with mounds of rotting plant matter on them."
Partridge noted that things were considerably less mirthful when the pancakes actually arrived, for he and his companions were unable to tell for certain, either by sight or taste, whether the waitress had actually mispronounced "compote" or was indeed bringing them pancakes smothered in decomposing organic mush.
"I doubt a combination of cooked fruits could have made my bowels heave that explosively," said Partridge. "So it probably was the compost, I guess. Next time we go to Billy Don's, I'll just know to order the six-meat omelet instead."
By the way, in case you're really not too sharp, this is satire.
Our favorite review: "as a joke it [ARN&R] wasn't that funny. all of my family take parks very seriuslyand all thow we laffed after time we were apoled by the joke."
Anything you e-mail us is fair game to go on the site or to be used in any other way, including printing it up real big and posting it outside AbsolutelyReliableTowers.
Sorry, your IQ must be this high and your age at least 18 to be among the intended readers of ARN&R. Please enjoy some of our other attractions.
We like gravy and the occasional buffet. The greatest thing ever, however, would be a gravy buffet.