New Safety Rules Prevent Carousel Injuries

Following the tragic accident on their Superman: Ride of Steel rollercoaster, Six Flags New England has decided to get tough in addressing patron and industry concerns about its dedication to customer safety, says a park rep.

Chief among the new safety measures is the system now being used on the notorious and deadly Carousel of Death at SFNE. Says the rep, "while passengers in days long past, such as last season, had to just sit on their horse or tiger or marmot and face the utter peril of going in a circle at about two miles per hour, we have now created a foolproof system to protect guests as they experience this terrifying and dangerous ride."

The new system consists of a tight seatbelt, which all guests are required to use, and then a ride op individually tells each passenger that he or she must keep two hands on the pole at all times or risk being removed from the ride. "Some people think it's a little drastic to have such severe safety measures on a ride that is essentially incapable of causing so much as a scratched knee due to its low speed and predictable lack of forces," said the rep. "Well, tell me this: has anyone been injured on the Carousel of Death since we enacted these procedures? No. So it works just fine."

The rep added that the new system was only in the test phase, and if ride ops noticed anyone commiting a severe violation of the rules, such as shifting in his or her seat of removing one of the two required hands from the pole to scratch an itch, then more severe measures would be used for the Carousel of Death.

"First, we'll hogtie all the passengers, and stick them on a bench where they can view the empty carousel going in circles. Then, if that doesn't work, we'll hogtie them and then staple them to the benches where they can view the empty carousel going in circles, at least until they pass out from the pain and blood loss. Then, as a last resort, we'll just start assigning seats or something."

--JCK

Posted at 1:34 PM | Link | 0 comment(s)

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Bush Orders Demolition of Illinois Coaster

In a little-noticed portion of his Monday-night address, President Bush ordered the destruction of Typhoon, a coaster at Dundee, Illinois-based Santa's Village, citing what he described as "years of pain and torture."

"The evildoers at Top Fun, when designing this coaster, clearly were working in conjunction with the axis of evil," said Bush. "From the intense pain created by the ride's over-the-shoulder restraints to the transitions that were evidently designed by brain-damaged monkeys, this ride is anti-American. It will be a proud day for the decent people of Illinois when it is torn down."

The Bush administration is also reportedly considering targeting the headquarters of Vekoma with a small tactical nuclear warhead.

Posted at 8:37 AM | Link | 0 comment(s)

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Tuesday, May 25, 2004

 

CPO (formerly CPC) Head Abandons Coasters, Embraces Stalking

Lee Coaster, known far and wide for his enormously successful Coaster Preservation Organization ("formly" Club), which relocated dozens of abandoned coasters to two wildly successful parks in Indiana and North Carolina, announced today that he has handed over the reins of the CPO to one of his dozens of followers and will now be taking up stalking as a hobby.

"Through my new feature The View, I can indulge my voyeuristic tendencies while telling myself it's all in the name of journalism!" said Coaster (formerly known as Thunder Pussy) in an exclusive ARN&R interview. "No, I've never met the young women I take pictures of and post on the web...actually, I've never met any young women. But I'm certain that taking pictures of them without permission and posting them on my site is just the thing to meet them!"

At press time, the subjects of Coaster's photographs commented, "Eeewwwww."

And for that, young Coaster, you get to be our Site O' The Weak!

Posted at 9:39 AM | Link | 0 comment(s)

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Monday, May 24, 2004

 

Enthusiast Not So Enthusiastic

When asked to name his favorite rides, enthusiast John Harkoff proceeded to proclaim a disdain for nearly every attraction located in an amusement park.

"Well, I don't like most flat rides, because I don't like spinning." reported Harkoff. "And I don't like water rides at all. I hate getting wet."

"I like steel coasters," continued Harkoff, "except Vekoma Boomerangs. I won't go on those. Or Vekoma SLCs. I hate SLCs. Or anything by Togo. God, Togo coasters really suck. Oh, I pretty much dislike every Arrow multilooper."

When it was explained to Harkoff that he had discounted 50% of the steel roller coasters in America, Harkoff shrugged, before adding, "I love wood coasters. Except old violent ones. I don't really like violent old wood coasters." Harkoff concluded, unintentionally discounting 70% of wooden roller coasters in the country. He also noted an aversion to wood coasters of any age with lots of lateral movement, and any wooden coaster exceeding 127 feet in height.

When asked what Harkoff does like to do in an amusement park, Harkoff paused for a long time before answering, "Bitch." Harkoff reported. "I really enjoy bitching."

Harkoff then proceeded to thank Six Flags for "contributing so much to what I most enjoy doing in my hobby."

--MOS

Posted at 11:14 AM | Link | 0 comment(s)

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Sunday, May 23, 2004

 

Paul Ruben to Claim New Vekoma Boomerang as "Totally and Completely Unique"

After several months of breathless anticipation, coaster enthusiasts around the world have finally learned which new roller coaster will be described by alleged Park World editor Paul Ruben as "totally and completely unique." It will be a Vekoma Boomerang called Flipping Around Backward Gold Rush Eagle Surprise, to be installed at South Korea's Joy Funtown Magic Sparkleland late this season.

Ruben, lauded around the globe for riding over 1500 coasters and appearing on essentially every coaster special to claim each and every ride ever built is the most fabulous ever, notes that "this Vekoma Boomerang is utterly unlike anything else ever made, and it will set the standard for thrills in the new millennium." He also added that it "could just beat out Top Thrill Dragster, or whatever other coaster I was just paid to shill for, for the top spot on Planet Earth."

Ruben most recently lauded the striking originality of Six Flags Magic Mountain's Scream coaster, the ninth floorless coaster from Bolliger & Mabillard, and one that is nearly an exact clone of Medusa at Six Flags Great Adventure. In the Winter 2004 issue of Rollercoaster!, Ruben thrilled amusement park lovers everywhere with his description of the ride as "a unique floorless coaster" and "a wild new interpretation of the flight through a corkscrew," and further noted that "the floorless coaster is a truly different ride experience." He also quoted a Six Flags rep who claimed Scream was "truly a unique and thrilling ride experience."

"Heck, if I write about the floorless coaster and pretend it's a brand-new idea no one has ever before explored, well, I'm sure I can act like a Boomerang is a thrilling and revolutionary concept," says Ruben. "As long as the money is good, anyway."

--JCK

Posted at 2:12 PM | Link | 0 comment(s)

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