Opponent of 2003 Disney Gay Days Looking Forward to 2004 Disney Gay Days

It's 6:00 on Saturday afternoon, and the Reverend Howard Ferstler, 51, is putting clothes and a compact disc player in his suitcase for a trip to Disney World that begins with his direct flight from Little Rock, Arkansas, to Orlando this evening. This is a trip Ferstler has made numerous times over the past several years, as the self-described Conservative Christian has made frequent pilgrimages to amusement parks that host Gay Day celebrations. So what makes this time any more special than any of the other scores of trips he has made in the past?

Previously, Ferstler attended Gay Days to express his hatred of those different from him. This time, he is going as an eager participant.

"In a few hours, I'll be packing a lot more than my socks!" he says, with a wink. Then he tries to slip a ball gag and leather chaps into his carry-on bag without this reporter noticing.

A mere year ago, Ferstler fought Disney in court, and lost, over the right to fly his plane over the Magic Kingdom with anti-gay banners. After that failure, he showed up at Animal Kingdom and stood in the parking lot for three straight days holding signs with intellectual slogans such as "Kill All Fags" and "God Hates People Different From Me." Ferstler also screamed randomly selected, out-of-context bible verses at anyone within earshot until he passed out from heat exhaustion. While not either harassing homosexuals minding their own business at amusement parks or blatantly disregarding the message of love and compassion given by his Lord and Savior Jesus Christ during his own sermons for the Sixty-Ninth Baptist Church of Eastern Little Rock, Ferstler enjoyed spending quality time with Randall Terry plotting the murder of abortion doctors and beating his wife. But not this year.

When queried as to why the formerly outspoken critic of homosexuals would be interested in attending the celebration instead of threatening the lives of gays and handing out literature suggesting they rot in hell, Ferstler was effusive:

"It all started when that Christian Action Network President Martin Mawyer came to my church to show his video of hot man-on-man action from a previous Disney Gay Day," says Ferstler. "He showed us that footage of men cuddling and taking shirts off and slapping each other's buttocks, all in plain view of normal, non-deviant Christians at the park, and...oh my, it was offensive. It was so offensive that I asked to see it again. And again. Well, eventually all those disgusting homos showing affection got me so worked up with righteous rage that I had to insist on getting a hand job from Martin in the bathroom."

He continues: "everyone kept saying my rage against gay people was totally caused by my self-hatred due to the fact that I liked men and just couldn't handle it. Hey, I guess they were right all along! In all these years of beating up gays and spewing hatred, I never realized the sheer pleasure that could be provided by another man. How I wish I had known before now how spectacular and comforting it is to feel the tickle of a beard on your inner thigh; strong, masculine lips around your throbbing member; or a supersized dildo up your butt."

Ferstler notes that his decision to embrace the gay lifestyle he had long denounced had led him on a journey of self-awakening. "I couldn't believe how many people who claim to hate gays were so good at anal sex!" he says. "For instance, Lou Sheldon always claimed homosexuality is a social disorder that's not genetic, but acquired. Well hell, after I let him acquire my ass in a hotel room, I bet he's softened his stance. And then there was that Jeremy Shockey fellow, who plays tight end for the Giants and is always talking about how much he hates homos. Let's just say that, judging from my time with him, he'd be better off playing with the Rams or the Oilers or the Packers."

"Actually, you might want to refer to him as a split end now, though," said Ferstler with a chuckle.

And as for longtime Ferstler pal Jessie Helms, the good reverend merely has this cryptic comment: "well, don't knock a gum job til you try it."

When this reporter asked Ferstler whether he was concerned about fundamentalist Christians assaulting and cursing him when he arrived at Disney World, he merely stated that he "wasn't too concerned with the opinion of those assholes."

--JCK

Posted at 6:32 PM | Link | 0 comment(s)

- - -

 

Enthusiast Misses Chance to Discuss Amusement Parks at Work

In an exclusive interview this morning, coaster enthusiast Matt Groban reported great feelings of dejection and bereavement over his failure to discuss amusement parks with co-workers despite having an easy opening in a conversation that should have enabled him to do just that.

Groban, who teaches science at Dodd Middle School in Cheshire, Connecticut, blatantly failed to take advantage of his potential coaster conversation this Friday, when fellow teacher Jan Royster mentioned in the teacher's lounge that she had taken her art class to Lake Compounce on a field trip.

"I totally messed it up," said Groban. "I mean, she mentioned an amusement park! She said she had taken her class there, and then even said that some security guard had told her some nonsense like there would be an 85 million dollar expansion to double the size of the park next year. She just spread the conversation wide open for me to bust in there and talk about who owned what land and how it was zoned in Bristol, or discuss the type of grease used on Boulderdash, or maybe describe the air compression technology that they use on the new S&S ride, or even talk about how their website was telling people to 'go down' for quite some time. Unfortunately, I couldn't butt in quick enough, and those dumbasses just moved on to talking about the plumbing problems the school's been having."

Groban noted that "at one point, I would have gotten in there and made the rest of lunch completely about my knowledge of coasters. But I waited a split second too long, and then my chance was wasted. I think I'm losing my touch."

Groban noted that, as recently as a month ago, he had been more effective at making use of coaster-related teacher's lounge chats to tell people how much he knows about amusement parks. "It was right after the Superman accident," he said. "People were talking about how coasters were dangerous, but then I managed to leap in and tell them all about what they needed to know. And I was especially helpful in reassuring and comforting them in their time of need, since I'd done my research and read "What to Say to Friends About the Superman Accident."

"I only hope I can get back to that level," he said, gazing wistfully into the sunset. "Because if I don't, some young buck is going to be the one dominating discussions about roller coasters at Dodd before I know it."

--JCK

Posted at 1:53 AM | Link | 0 comment(s)

- - -

Thursday, June 03, 2004

 

Coaster Con Finds New Sponsor

The Atkins Company made a lot of coaster nuts happy this week. The company stepped up to the plate and worked out an agreement with Cedar Point, Geauga Lake and Memphis Kiddie Park to help sponsor the event, which in turn keeps costs down for ACE Members.

“This is really a win-win for ACE and Atkins,” said ACE Goddess-on-High Carole Sanderson. “The coaster group gets to keep their program prices down and Atkins gets a target-rich environment. Without this corporate sponsorship opportunity ACE members would be paying upwards of $5,000 each. We think it's great!”

Tim Latham, V.P. of Concept Development for Atkins, agrees. “We have never found so many overweight men under 40 in one spot before. It will be like shooting fish in a barrel! Add in the fact that many eat meat-heavy diets already and we feel like we’ve struck oil.”

ACE and Atkins have several events planned for the Con, including:

- A steak-eating contest in front of Magnum -- the first to vomit up “Magnum Red” puke wins.

- A Gravy Bath -- The famous retro “water ball” fountain will be filled with gravy so ACErs can get their first bath and fifth gravy helping of the day. Groping will be encouraged and videotaped for the fetish market.

- A Sh*t-Off -- After gorging themselves at the protein-filled Midway Market, enthusiasts will square off in a stinky crap-o-thon. Results will be judged on length, circumference and mass. The more the merrier!

Cedar Fair C.E.O. Dick Kinzel is especially excited about the new events this year. “Yeah, I can’t wait until those lardasses lose some weight. They have complained about Millennium Force enough already this season,” he told ARN&R in an exclusive interview. Kinzel continued, “Now when will you start taping this interview, anyway?”

--FMB

Posted at 8:56 AM | Link | 0 comment(s)

- - -

Wednesday, June 02, 2004

 

Millennium Force Changes Affect Not Only Those Large In Waist

The controversial new changes in boarding practices for the Millennium Force roller coaster at Cedar Point affect more then those "big" in the waist, as a respected enthusiast reports in this trip report on RRC:

Then, against my warnings, he gave the lap bar a mighty shove into my lap, literally putting his weight behind it.

OUCH!

I have always disliked the lap bars on Millennium Force, ever since I discovered (the hard way) a little quirk about their construction. Let meput it this way...The problem is that in order for the lap bar to sit in my lap, the 3" diameter steel pipe it is attached to has to be pushed back past the pointwhere it makes contact with something it shouldn't, which then gets wedgedin between the pipe and the seat. After ramming the lap bar thusly, when I hollered about it, the operator hollered back, "It's for your safety, sir."

It has become clear from this report that Cedar Fair is not only discriminating against those large in the waist, but also those who are simply large.

"Cedar Fair's actions in the boarding of Millennium Force are unconscionable," declared Jim Holmes, owner of lpsg.org, "Riders of all sizes should be able to ride roller coasters in comfort and without fear that they may damage or bruise their beautiful, bountiful packages."

Cedar Fair's reaction to the controversy has been as swift as it is original. In addition to the sample chair located at the front of the attraction, park guests may now also measure their ability to ride MF comfortably in other ways via a new "sizing station" located behind the exit photo booth. There, potential riders may measure themselves to determine if they may be "too large" for the new 6" safety standards suggested for the ride. Rulers, a mirror, and privacy are provided to ensure accuracy. Cedar Fair has reportedly rejected a co-marketing venture in which the "sizing station" would also serve as an opportunity to audition for adult films produced by "Butt-Ugly Productions."

"The Cedar Fair policy is to warn that riders of exceptional size may not be able to ride all attractions at our park," wrote guest relations spokeswomen Sandy Ketcher in a letter to ARN&R. "This includes all potential interpretations of the phrase 'exceptional size.'"

As an additional aid, CP is also providing buckets of ice water on the MF loading platform so that select guests may attempt "dunk in" and alleviate the problem themselves for the short duration of the ride time.

--MOS

Posted at 2:10 PM | Link | 0 comment(s)

- - -

 

ARN&R Increases World Domination Via Atom Feed, Event Attendance

Enjoy reading Absolutely Reliable News & Rumors but find all that work of opening a web browser and using your bookmarks to get here to be just too much to bear? Rejoice and be happy, for we have an answer for you!

Yes, that's right, we're now providing an XML feed -- see that little "Atom Feed" thing over to the left? That's it. Here's a description of what Atom is all about, but basically you can use it in your fancy schmancy aggregators. Or you can just read the feed in your browser if you prefer your ARN&R to be even more incomprehensible than usual.

Of course, if you do that, you'll miss out on all the Breaking News Headlines, also over to the left. But it'll prevent you from having to expend one more bit of energy than required. And isn't that what it's all about?

(Well, that and the gravy buffet.)

Speaking of gravy, our ever-growing legion of writers are everywhere. We occasionally even end up at enthusiast events. If you're looking to meet one of us and you think you'll be able to push through the massive groups of hangers-on we all tend to attract, drop us a line and let us know where you'll be. If one of us is around, we'll let you know.

Posted at 9:56 AM | Link | 0 comment(s)

- - -

Tuesday, June 01, 2004

 

NY Post Targeting ARN&R Turf

Nothing else new today besides the Site O' The Weak, folks: The New York Post pretty much did our job for us.

Posted at 1:03 PM | Link | 0 comment(s)

- - -

 

Ferris Bueller's Day in Fan Fiction

We had long thought that the domain of amusement park-related fan fiction began and ended entirely with our "bestest fan" Brittany Lynn Swanson, who created the ARN&R Fanfic Pleasure Village 2000, a previous Site O' the Weak winner.

We were wrong.

For our current Site O' the Weak, we alert you to A Shermer Christmas Carol, an endless story on a website devoted to the art and powerful majesty of John Hughes fan fiction. In this particular opus, Ferris Bueller and Cameron plan a visit to Walleyworld, thereby unknowingly mentioning amusement parks enough that the story qualifies for being insulted at ARN&R.

It may or may not be, as the story's author hopes, "the ultimate John Hughes fan fiction," but at least it's our Site O' the Weak.

--JCK

Posted at 12:49 PM | Link | 0 comment(s)

- - -

Monday, May 31, 2004

 

Holiday World Starting To Think They Shouldn't Have Pissed Off That Gypsy

So far in this short season, Holiday World has endured major flooding, potential cicada invasions, and tornado warnings. Less-publicized have been the rains of deformed frogs, Raging Rapids' rivers running red with blood, and, oddly, given the extensive food service offerings, widespread famine in all corners of the park. ARN&R has learned that the popular park's management is beginning to suspect that perhaps they shouldn't have thrown out a Gypsy last year for smoking in the line for Legend.

"Hey, the sign said non-smoking," said Will Koch, president of the park in an exclusive ARN&R interview. "And she was smoking. And she also kept muttering bizarre incantations and pointing ominously at the people next to her in line, but we didn't have any 'No Bizarre Incantations' sign up at the time, though we sure do now. We told her politely to stop smoking, but she said she'd paid for her pack of Camel Reds and she was going to get every bit of enjoyment out of them. That's when security called me."

Koch then went to the line to attempt to resolve the situation. Immediately upon seeing Koch, though, the gypsy began shrieking obscenities (largely in other languages) and shaking violently, saying she recognized him "from her days visiting Hell." Koch said he was forced to carry her out by force, somehow maintaining his excellent hair despite her thrashing.

"The last thing she said was that we would rue the day we threw her out and something about a pox on all our houses," continued Koch, shaking his head. "I figured she'd send a letter to the Better Business Bureau or post something obnoxious on ThrillNetwork's Gypsy Enthusiast board. But I'm starting to think we really shouldn't have pissed her off. All this stuff that's happened this year is starting to freak me out. And I haven't really told anyone, but I've started to lose hair in huge chunks, and I keep waking up screaming in Latvian, and I don't even know Latvian!"

At press time, Koch was wandering the abandoned tunnels under Grand Central Station in New York, trying to find a mysterious former Gypsy known only as Bughead, who is purportedly able to reverse Gypsy curses.

Posted at 9:10 AM | Link | 0 comment(s)

- - -

HOME

Web absolutelyreliable.com