O'Connor: Ronnie Held on to See Latest Tsunami Construction Pics

In a moving eulogy today regarding Ronald Reagan, Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O'Connor revealed a surprising fact: the former U.S. President gained strength to continue surviving well into his 90's due to his passionate desire to view the new construction photos of Tsunami, an S&S woodie under construction at Clementon Lake Park.

"Not many people know about this," said O'Connor, appointed by Reagan in 1981 as the first woman to serve in the nation's highest court, "but Ronnie was a complete coaster nut. He was a charter member of the Coaster Zombies and, for some reason, even joined the Greater Ohio Coaster Club one season. And it's that coaster obsession that gave him the power to live until the age of 93. Specifically, this season he's been carrying on in order to see the construction pics of Tsunami, which he told me 'looked totally kick-ass.'"

O'Connor added that "Ronnie left me a letter where he said he finally got to see the construction photo of the ride's first drop on Onride Central, and that he finally felt at peace and that his life's work was done."

"Obviously this is interesting news to us here at the American Coaster Enthusiasts," said Carole Sanderson, the group's President, Lion Tamer, and BCS Co-Champion. "We had no idea the former President was such a fan of our favorite hobby. Of course, many other presidents have enjoyed roller coasters. For instance, Millard Fillmore was a freak for the Mauch Chunk, and they couldn't pry LBJ off the Six Flags Over Texas coasters with a crowbar. And let's not forget William Howard Taft, who unfortunately loved coasters before the advent of fifth-row seats, so he couldn't actually fit in any of them."

O'Connor said that Reagan advisors were not taking seriously the suggestion by one anonymous ACE member that Reagan's ashes be scattered from the top of Top Thrill Dragster in tribute to his hobby, stating that, as far as she knew, "the Reagan family still intends to go ahead with the planned state funeral at Washington National Cathedral this Friday." Reports that Reagan's casket would be receiving ERT on Six Flags America's Superman: Ride of Steel prior to being flown back to California were said to be inaccurate.

--JCK

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Wednesday, June 09, 2004

 

Future Whores of America Hold First Annual Conference

(Gurnee, IL) Children are our future, as the classic song goes. To teach them well and let them lead the way, the Future Whores of America held their first annual conference at Six Flags Great America on Monday.

The conference attendees were easy to spot: 14-19 year olds dressed in men’s boxer briefs instead of shorts, halter tops, and high heeled flip flops roamed the grounds of the popular Midwestern theme park, occasionally stopping to freshen their lip gloss.

Among the popular discussions at the conference were “Rolling down your waistband to expose more pelvic bone” and “Our parents don’t even care.”

The conference did take a more serious note when an instant outbreak of Chlamydia occurred at the site of the popular standing rollercoaster Iron Wolf –- instantly knocking toilet seats out of the #2 cause of Chlamydia in 14-25 year olds in the US, as reflected on the chart below, provided by the Department of Health and Human Services.



--MMS

Posted at 10:00 AM | Link | 0 comment(s)

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Tuesday, June 08, 2004

 

Coaster Enthusiast's Entire Summer Trip Budget Spent in Four Minutes

Connecticut coaster enthusiast Rufus Joel, 36, had long been looking forward to this week, a vacation that would feature an intricately-planned driving tour of amusement parks up and down the Eastern seaboard. A mid-level staffer for a Hartford-based insurance company, Joel receives a modest salary and only two weeks of vacation each year, so he covets every one of his rare chances to get out of his cubicle and experience the thrill of riding roller coasters and driving around the country with his wondows rolled down.

Unfortunately, Joel used up the entire budget for his coaster vacation in four minutes, the time it took for him to fill the gas tank of his 1999 Toyota Corolla at a local Exxon station.

"F*ck!" Joel told ARN&R. "I saved all year for this trip. I went out for dinner less, I almost eliminated purchases of CD's and DVD's, and I moved into a cheaper apartment, all so I could make use of my precious few days off. And then I left my house, drove a mile down the road to the gas station, and spent every penny of the two thousand dollars I'd saved for the trip on a fill-up. And it wasn't even premium! Two thousand bucks to fill up a sensible family car!"

Joel later admitted that he spent six dollars of the two thousand getting lunch at a local sandwich shop, meaning that he merely used one thousand, one hundred and ninety four dollars at Exxon.

When asked if he had any revised plans for his yearly vacation, Joel shrugged and stated that he would "probably just watch a lot of TV, assuming I can keep paying Comcast a hundred bucks a month for basic service."

--JCK

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Coming Soon: The World's Only Fansite Dedicated To The Dude Who Sold Those Blowup Hammers At Quassy In 1998

Okay, Jeff Siebert (note the order of 'i' and 'e' and the 'b' rather than 'f'), the PR guy for Paramount's Kings Island, seems like a nice guy. We've got no problem with him.

But a website dedicated entirely to him? We're going to go ahead and say, um, it's stalkeriffic!

Let's see...pictures taken when the subject is clearly not aware of it? Check. Surreally positive praise ("Some people are great. Some people are awesome Then There's Jeff Siebert!")? Check. Completely empty discussion board? Check. Repeated references to sightings ("He's been seen at Monster and Flying Eagles helping to operate the ride. Jeff has also been seen working in Bubba Gumps.")? Check.

Yes, the site does say it is "ment [sic] to be funny" and says that Siebert likes it. But hey, stalkers usually think their behavior is welcome. So, Jeff Siebert Fan Page, you're ARN&R's Site O' the Weak!

Posted at 2:11 PM | Link | 0 comment(s)

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Monday, June 07, 2004

 

"Coaster n' Campin'" Couple See Selves As "Coaster Enthusiasts," Not "Dirty White Trash"

Husband and wife team Mark and Karyn O'Harron see themselves as "coaster enthusiasts" as opposed to the freaky trailer trash they actually are.

The O'Harrons, who have never been a member of a coaster club, have never attended an enthusiast event, and who know very little about different coaster types, consider themselves enthusiasts nonetheless due to bi-yearly "coaster 'n' campin'" trips made during summer months.

"Karyn, she's a kindergarten teacher so she's off summers and me, I got my settlement check from my back injury on the job so it's not like I got much to do," reported Mark, who appears to enjoy getting tattoos much more than basic personal hygiene. "We're just nuts about parks, real enthusiasts. We love 'em all, Magic Mountain and Kentucky Kingdom 'specially."

Karyn, who sees nothing abnormal about cooking spice rack pasta in a Motel 6 room as dinner, continued, "We love 'em, them coasters. 'Specially The Beast, that's a good 'un... and... what's the name of that tall one? Something force? That one is kick-ass!"

"We're gonna go in our trailer one day," said Karyn, referring to the 1983 trailer in which they currently reside, "As soon as Mark fixes it up. All it needs is wheels and an engine!"

Mark concluded that they would love the parks even more, if only "them darkies learned their place and stopped bein' so uppity."

--MOS

Posted at 10:13 AM | Link | 0 comment(s)

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