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Breaking News:
One of these people is very happy. One is not. Every time a bell rings, a roundish coaster enthusiast gets his wings! Sorry to inform you that "Mister Donut" translates as "Pastry filled with feces" "What do we want? BRAINS! When do we want them? BRAINS!" "And then we sold this man a fifteen-year-old Walkman for $200 and told him it was the next-generation iPod!" Okay, really, now you're just photoshopping in the same stupid pose in front of stock photography for each park. Costumed worker at Japanese park on day TPR visits: Worst. Temp. Job. Ever.
More headlines below the ads...
Hello, Japan! We will be annoying you for the next several days. This is almost like interacting with another human. More gravy, fewer noodles, please. "Hey, we're in Japan! Let's, um, bowl! That should really expose us to new cultures! "...and then let's go to Denny's!" "I wonder if I could get an on-ride video of this drum..." Why exactly would the photographer yell out "Act like utter morons, anyway? ...and dozens of Japanese commuters collapse from the smell at once Dude, that's totally Spicoli in the middle. It's so nice to be somewhere that's open to different, er, preferences What Has Happened to CoasterBuzz? Wild West World Owners Next Spending $40 Million on Roller Disco-Themed Park Hollywood Horror Nights to Feature Enormous Animatronic Goldie Hawn In Further Improvements to Son of Beast, Cedar Fair to Add Whiny Guy with Body Odor Tapping Patrons' Shoulders Repeatedly, Asking "Does This Bug You?" Hard-Hitting Journalist Rather Proud of Transitions Sunglasses, Intense Journalistic Stare Q. Why Don't Enthusiasts Get Dates? A. Here's a Start. Hundreds of Enthusiasts Simultaneously Discover Working in Amusement Park Sucks, Fellow Employees Hate Them Six Flags Right In Touch With Hot Trends Intamin Admits Maverick Designed by Ron Toomer with Bendy Wire Hangers; Says, "Computers are Expensive!" Enthusiasts Practice Saying "Mas Tapas" Repeatedly Gravy Futures Way, Way Up Carowinds Employees Assimilated
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Friday, June 25, 2004
Occasional Lapses In Absolutely Reliable Coverage in Days to Come We're relocating world headquarters of ARN&R in the coming weeks, so we'll be (more) inconsistent than usual about posting. Don't you worry your pretty little collective head, though, it's a temporary thing. Promise. Posted at 8:21 PM | Link | 0 comment(s)
Wednesday, June 23, 2004
Coming Next: USOC to be Petitioned to Recognize Lazer Tag as Olympic Sport One of our legion of spies has been thoughtful enough to forward us a link to a website so pathetic, it jumped over about twelve other deserving candidates already waiting in line to be acknowledged as the ARN&R Site o' the Weak. Apparently, a few people have come up with the really incredible idea that Dance Dance Revolution, the obnoxious game featured in arcades, home game systems, and almost ubiquitously in amusement parks, should be an Olympic sport. Judging from the number of enthusiastic, legible, and thought-provoking signatures already placed on the petition, we are quite certain the U.S. Olympic Committee will, unfortunately, be seriously considering making DDR a sport at the 2008 Olympic Games. At ARN&R, we have already made it quite clear that, not only do we not support DDR becoming an Olympic sport, we would actually prefer to see the game banned entirely. If the federal government is really going to target Howard Stern for obscenity offenses, then it seems only fair that they protect the poor, innocent children from the possiblity of seeing gruesome, pasty mounds of coaster enthusiast flab gyrating off-tempo to terrible music at their local theme park. --JCK Posted at 2:17 PM | Link | 0 comment(s)
Tuesday, June 22, 2004
New Homoerotic Lord of the Rings Simulator Hits the Market The Wacky Funtime Rides Corporation has just released a Lord of the Rings-themed simulator. Touted for the high level of thrills it provides within its very small footprint, the film takes riders on an epic journey through Middle Earth. The unusual twist to this particular ride is that it is the first overtly gay-friendly attraction based on a major movie franchise. Passengers pay a fee for the ride, and are then allowed to select from a large array of possible homoerotic scenes they wish to experience. Due to the large number of man-love scenarios available to passengers, there should be nearly an infinite number of possible different ride experiences, say company reps. Much like the rollercoaster-themed small simulators that began appearing a number of years back, the LOTR-themed rides feature a cabin with room for two passengers. Three different scenes demonstrating Middle Earth-dwellers in hot man-on-man, or Hobbit-on-Hobbit, or Elf-on-Orc, action are selected by the riders; a film based on the three scenes is shown in 3D while the cabin rotates along with it. "We've had a limited release in the past week to test the market for this type of attraction," said one Wacky Fun representative, appearing at a trial run for the new ride at a Jackson, Mississippi mall. "For instance, we've had amazing success testing the ride out in places like Dollywood, Visionland, and Six Flags Over Texas. We expect hundreds of these babies to be shipping to malls, fun centers, and other amusement parks within the next couple months." The rep noted that the three most popular scenes being chosen thus far were Sam and Frodo: Distraction, Boromir/Pippin, and Legolas+Gimli, but that Hobbits was rapidly coming from behind. Those who rode the new attraction at the Wacky Fun demonstration in Jackson certainly seemed pleased. One particularly excited young man, leaping out of the pod after his completed ride, even cried out "this ride is totally gay!" --JCK Posted at 2:30 PM | Link | 0 comment(s)
Monday, June 21, 2004
Every Month is National Masturbation Month, Says Coaster Zombie For the past nine years, the Good Vibrations group has began celebrating May as National Masturbation Month. Upon discovering this fact, however, one member of the Coaster Zombies stands defiant against any one month being singled out to glorify the joys of self-pleasure. "I protest this decision by anyone to celebrate the art of bologna bopping for only one twelfth of the entire year!" said Zombie Jack Meoff, 41. "Any self-respecting coaster enthusiast would tell you that he likes to jack it at least five or six times a day, maybe even more if their mom is out shopping while VH1's 100 Hottest Hotties is on. These Good Vibrations jerk-offs can claim May is when we're supposed to be Jocelyn Eldering ourselves, but they can't stop me from buttering my corn whenever I feel like it, whether it's June, July, or even February!" "For a coaster enthusiast, every month is National Masturbation Month," he added, slipping his belt off. --JCK Posted at 12:26 PM | Link | 0 comment(s)
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