Freaking Mean-Spirited Since 2002.
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Friday, July 02, 2004
 
ARN&R Editor-in-Chief Incredibly Frustrated by Lovely Visit to Dutch Wonderland

In what was widely described as a "stunning failure," ARN&R's editor-in-chief was utterly unable to come up with a single subject to mock in a six-plus-hour visit to Pennsylvania's Dutch Wonderland amusement park.

"I went in rested and ready to mock," said the Grand Poobah. "I had my eyes out for enthusiasts trying to get on [junior coaster] Joust, for some dork complaining about the program being run on the Frog Hopper, or for theme park mentality -- maybe trims on the Sky Princess. But there was nothing! Just a pleasant day at the park!"

Sources indicate that the editor-in-chief has previously participated in a lively competition to discover how quickly one could reach a boiling-over hatred of every single person in an amusement park, with the current confirmed record standing at six minutes. Despite his expectation to at least tie the previous record, the editor-in-chief was instead left muttering at the end of the day that he actually rather liked virtually all of the people at the park. "I didn't see a single obvious ACEr wolfing down slice after slice of pizza, nor any incredibly annoying people smoking in line or throwing garbage all over the place. The employees, while at times perhaps a bit bored, were generally incredibly pleasant and responsive."

"Damn," he added.

Inside ARN&R sources indicate that the grumpy editor expects to balance things out with a brief visit to Six Flags America, where feces-covered bathrooms and openly hostile employees should restore him to his usual state of irritation.

Posted at 9:58 AM | Link | 0 comment(s)

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Wednesday, June 30, 2004
 
Despite the resounding thrum of crickets chirping following the announcement of "The Big Coaster Showdown, part of Looney Coaster's Big Super Fun Summer Extravaganza," the administrator of this Roller Coaster Tycoon contest site has still not packed it in. This means that there's still plenty of time left to actually submit a design to the website, where you can reap the eternal glory and honor of being listed in the Hall of Fame and score with lots of hot chicks. It also means we've found our new Site O' the Weak.

Be sure to browse the rest of this amazing site as well...we're sure you won't mind most of the links being broken or going to a page directory instead of an actual home page. By the way, if you'd like to offer some free help to the administrator in the form of setting up his forums for him, since he's too lazy to figure out how to do it himself, then the offer is still open on the main page!

--JCK

[Editor's Note: As of this writing, the main page directory for this site lists exactly 13 hits, at least 4 of which came from an ARN&R writer doing research for this article. We're curious to see if anyone bothers to actually click on links we provide to our Sites O' the Weak, or if you just trust us that they're horrible and back slowly away, so if the counter reads in the millions by the time you get to it, you'll know the mighty power we wield.]

Posted at 9:05 AM | Link | 0 comment(s)

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Tuesday, June 29, 2004
 
Coaster Enthusiast Takes Pulitzer

In what may be the most surprising news to come out of collective worlds of academia and coaster enthusiasm since the formation of an exclusive roller coaster club for Nobel Prize winners, a coaster enthusiast was just announced as the 2004 Pulitzer Prize winner in the Poetry category. The winning poem, Randy Klapp's "Re: Tsunami's lift hill reaches the top," is described by a leading New York Times reviewer as "the single most important new deconstruction of the traditional use of the English language since E.E. Cummings."

"This is so amazing holy crap I am so excited all I did was think that it was cool to share my seeing a coaster under construction and also how I saw an angle of it from the kiddy land and then wonder about when they will inspect the coaster that I was talking about and then say some stuff about t-shirts and I never expected to win such a cool award just for that but I will certainly accept it oh my I can't wait that is totally awesome!" said the Pulitzer-winning enthusiast.

Klapp went on to speculate that he might be able to slip Halle Berry a tongue kiss if she were to present the Pulitzer to him.

When queried as to why the esteemed members of the Pulitzer Prize Board had given such a prestigious award to someone who appears to lack even the most rudimentary of grammatical skills, Board member Joann Byrd stated that "the author of the magnificent poem 'Re: Tsunami's lift hill reaches the top' refuses to be bound by grammar conventions in order to present his powerful words of hope. Those who do not understand art may think that Mr. Klapp just made each paragraph last exactly one rambling, incomprehensible, grammar-mistake-laden sentence by accident, but we clearly saw how he used this style of writing to show the unfinished nature of the Clementon Tsunami, and, by extension, the entire nature of our incomplete comprehension of the Mighty Cosmos surrounding our Earth. Additionally, the use of a smiley symbol instead of a period demonstrates a forward-thinking, radical break from the stodgy punctuation practices of bygone times, much as Tsunami's record-breaking first drop will break with the conservative, status-quo hills presented by earlier coasters."

Though members of the Pulitzer Board refuse to answer to speculation, the early favorite to win the 2005 Pulitzer Prize in Poetry is reputed by some experts to be "Only Death Can Bring Me There," from the respected Letters & Drama section of the Thrillnerds Forums.

--CSB/JCK

Posted at 10:17 AM | Link | 0 comment(s)

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Monday, June 28, 2004
 
Cedar Point Feared The Worst Before Start of ACE Con

While it was once believed that California might someday break off into the Pacific Ocean, ARN&R has learned that that theory was feared to be an imminent reality for the peninsula that holds Cedar Point Amusement Park/Resort. Park officials called in civil engineers fearing that the worst might have come true.

The added weight on the peninsula during the recent ACE conference was a concern for park officials for some time. The resort and amusement park feared finding itself on an island in Lake Erie instead of being accessible by a narrow swath of land. During winter meetings, park officials had engineers look into the possibility. However, officials discovered serious concerns even before the first ACEr arrived.

Days before the convention, hundreds of 18-wheel refrigerated trailer trucks, used as temporary warehouses to house the additional food required to feed the attendees, made their way onto the peninsula to park for the event. The trucks alone added thousands of pounds of food to the peninsula.

"Your typical ACE member pounds down half-a-dozen chili dogs, four pounds of fries, two funnel cakes and a gallon of soda in an average meal," according to Carole Sanderson, president of ACE. "For the parks and their suppliers it's a difficult scenario, not to mention the possible geographical catastrophes."

Cedar Point estimates that food sales increased ten-fold during the conference, a logistics nightmare for the park.

"No park has the warehouse capacity to store that much food," said Jaris Colman, director of food services for Cedar Point. "Its been a huge problem for our suppliers too, who operated around the clock for weeks to get the required food to the park on-time."

"The weight of a quarter million dogs, half million pounds of fries and fifty tractor trailers full of chili takes its toll on the causeway and peninsula," said Colman. "At first we were simply concerned about the additional weight of the attendees, but the food alone came close to making our worst nightmare a reality."

While the park denies it, ARN&R has learned that land movement began to occur at least a week prior to the event. Off the record, one Cedar Point official admitted that the park flew in a crew from Southern California's famed CalTech to measure for seismic activity.

Sudden cracks in the causeway, a sink hole in the parking lot and flooding of The Breakers basement were just early indications of the possible troubles to come. Officials denied an inside report that the already-sinking Magnum XL-200 lost an additional 10 feet in the last week prior to the convention.

"By the time the ACE members arrived, we were afraid that Magnum might be an underground attraction," said a night shift security supervisor at the park. "We were all warned and an evacuation plan was in order should the causeway sink during the con."

Park officials banned any additional food trucks from crossing the causeway and requested a police presence to control any problems had they run out of chili dogs. ARN&R has been unable to confirm that Sandusky police used firehoses and rubber bullets on hordes of ACErs demanding additional cobbler.

"I can understand how things might get out of hand when the park ran out of dessert," said Sandusky police chief Daryl Gates. "I had to deal with the problems two years ago when the police officers rioted after the local Dunkin Donuts ran out of doughnuts. Lack of food makes people do things they wouldn't normally do."

Despite the park's fears, a complete collapse of the park into the lake was narrowly averted through the creative and extensive use of underwater scaffolding and bracing, with enormous steel girders being drilled directly into bedrock below the water. The efforts were barely noticed by the attendees, except for one enthusiast who promptly wrote Thrillride! with "confirmation" of a B&M underwater launched coaster for 2006.

--AFU

Posted at 9:54 AM | Link | 0 comment(s)

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Sunday, June 27, 2004
 
Location for National Roller Coaster Museum Chosen

Following years of specualtion, the location for the future National Roller Coaster Museum and Archives has finally been announced: Siberia.

"While many had felt that the museum would most likely be constructed in an area steeped in American coaster history, such as Coney Island or near the remains of the Mauch Chunk Switchback Railway, the NRCMA Executive Board felt that it was inappropriate to focus only on American roller coaster history," said NRCMA Board Member Ralph Barker. "Although modern coasters were certainly developed by Americans, they owe some inspiration to the old Russian ice sleds of the 1600's. For that reason, we decided to honor the true birthplace of the roller coaster by placing the NRCMA there, even if it does get so cold your balls will freeze off."

The museum will specifically be located in Vorkuta, a moderately-sized town in Siberia that frequently has massive blizzards and temperatures below negative forty Celsius. Hours of operation will be "somewhat dependent on weather conditions on a day-to-day basis," notes Barker.

Celebrating the history of defunct roller coasters, as well as demonstrating the important cultural milestones of gravy and ERT, the Frank Genry-designed museum is, according to Barker, still on schedule for its planned 2075 opening.

--JCK

Posted at 11:39 PM | Link | 0 comment(s)

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