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Saturday, August 14, 2004
Very Special Olympic Rerun
In celebration of the start of the Olympic Games, we offer this extra very most special rerun treat of a past article involving the most important sporting event ever created, the Midway Olympics. And if those pricks John Tesh ("I can assault you with my music, my idiotic commentary and even my gorgeous, fluffy hair!") and Bob Costas ("The Central African Republic is in...central Africa!") get on your nerves over the next couple weeks (and they will), be sure to visit ARN&R for all the breaking news updates you need. Or something.
PKD Midway Olympics Revised
Paramount’s King’s Dominion developed a little special treat for ACE members attending the historic 25th anniversary Coaster Con, to be held next week at the popular Virginia park. As reported in the event flyer and in ACE News, PKD will be featuring the PKD Midway Olympics, which was to be “team tournament play in all our favorite Midway games: Whack-A-Mole, Quarter Toss, Skee Ball, Ring Toss, Basketball Free Throw, and others.”
Unfortunately, vehement protests by ACE members promptly curtailed the scheduled games. “I don’t think most members of our organization would be capable of doing most of these games,” said Bob Gooboski, 43. “King’s Dominion is really being unfair with these games, considering how nerdy and sedentary most of us are. If it doesn’t have something directly to do with useless information about a roller coaster or our mom’s basements or jacking off, they can’t expect us to be putting in any effort. Sorry.”
Hundreds of other members voiced similar complaints, complaining, for example, that it would be “completely unreasonable for ACE members to undergo the incredible exertion required to shoot a few basketballs,” and that “the only thing we’re capable of tossing is the ham javelin.” Sources tell ARN&R that a boycott was imminent as of last night, leading to fears that ERT lines would be under four hours on some days of the conference.
Fortunately, cooler heads prevailed. “All it took was a quick revision,” says Mike Rotch, PKD’s Assistant Manager of Special Olympic Events. “We’ve dropped all of these physically demanding exercises and tough mental challenges that no enthusiast is remotely capable of completing. Instead, we’ll have an Olympics with really great, fun events that are sure to please these ACE members.”
Rotch went on to confirm that all previously announced events would be cancelled, and that the following ones would be established in their place: Identifying the Bastard Ride Ops Who Staple You in Your Seat, Barbecue Eating Contest, Listing Dozens of Your Favorite Obscure Coasters to Family Members and Random Strangers Who Don’t Give a S%#&, Pie Eating Contest, Writing Detailed Notes on Each Coaster Ride While on it Instead of Enjoying the Damn Thing, Chicken Eating Contest, Pathetically Following the Three Attractive Female ACE Members Like Pathetic Little Yapping Dogs, Gravy Drinking, Bitching About Not Getting Loads of Free Stuff After Getting Loads of Free Stuff, Lard Eating Contest, and, of course, Vigorous Masturbation. ACE members universally applauded the new format. The competition thus far seems to be evenly matched, with no clear-cut favorites, except of course in the Vigorous Masturbation category, where Thunder P%sy of the Coaster Preservation Organzation 'Formly' Club is considered unassailable.
Friday, August 13, 2004
Enthusiast Helpfully Corrects Ride Operator Terminology
In what all involved called "an incredibly giving and generous moment" and "not at all annoying," enthusiast Cameron Krinkland today provided helpful tips to a rider operator at Lake Compounce in Connecticut.
The ride operator, 19-year-old Kristin Bloodgood, had been repeating the same spiel she had repeated all summer: "Welcome to Boulder Dash! When the gates open, please enter the seat row directly ahead of you and place your items on the opposite platform. Thanks and enjoy your ride!"
Krinkland chuckled and shook his head. "Excuse me, miss...is it Kristin?" he said, leering at her nametag. "I heard you refer to 'seat row,' and you probably would want to know that on PTCs, those are called 'benches.' No, don't thank me -- I just want you to be the best and perkiest ride operator you can be." Ignoring Bloodgood's sullen glare, Krinkland continued: "Would you like to see my track record? I've got it right here on my Palm."
In the past, Krinkland has written a letter to the editor of his local newspaper, which had identified a powered children's ride as a roller coaster ("Experts agree that to be a coaster, it must operate on gravity; the 'Dragon Coaster' does not, and you do your readers a disservice suggesting otherwise") and become violent when a young child identified Excalibur at Valleyfair! as a wooden coaster, when in fact the trains ride on steel track.
Reached for comment, Krinkland said that he was considering asking Bloodgood out, stating that "she totally wanted me." Bloodgood, reached for comment, vomited.
Thursday, August 12, 2004
Coming Soon to a Theme Park Near You: Joe Dirt: The Ride
Well, they did it. Paramount's Canada's Wonderland has announced their new-for-2005 coaster, The Italian Job Stunt Track. While we certainly don't want to diss the installation of any new roller coaster, unless it's by Vekoma, we're a little dismayed that Paramount is so desperate for movie franchises to turn into amusement park attractions that they selected yet another bland action flick that no one will remember in three years.
In an effort to discourage parks from turning horrible (Tomb Raider: The Ride) or even merely tepid and predictable (The Italian Job Stunt Track) movies into rides, we initiate the punitive action of making the preview page for the new attraction our Site O' the Weak. If we don't do this, it's only a matter of time before someone builds Hudson Hawk: The Ride or Highlander IV: Endgame Experience or Gigli: The Decimation.
Even if we weren't providing this valuable public service, this page could be a candidate due solely to its blatant product placement (Drive a MINI! Your very own MINI! We got lots of money from the makers of the MINI and we're going to cram the little bitches down your f*cking throat!).
[Ed. Note: We're assuming JCK had a very good reason for only mentioning the Bad Movie Stunt Track going into Canada's Wonderland and not the one going into Kings Island. Perhaps the PKI preview page will be next week's Site O' The Weak.]
Tuesday, August 10, 2004
Enthusiasts Enjoy Ride on Mean Streak
In news that must come as an immense shock to any human who was been on more than three roller coasters in his or her entire life, two coaster lovers actually had a very fine time recently during their ride on Cedar Point's Mean Streak. Although most people with any sense whatsoever find the Mean Streak to be unbearably rough, overbraked, and endlessly long and boring, enthusiasts Andrew Pongracz and Rick Bergman defied all known laws of physics in having a perfectly entertaining time on the giant woodie.
"Rick and I had such enjoyable discussions," said Pongracz. "Sometimes we'll be on a roller coaster that's good, and we're just screaming and talking about coasters and stuff. But Mean Streak was so lame and lasted so long, we really got chatting about lots of other interesting subjects and expanded our minds. It was great!"
Pongracz noted that the pair initially admired the view from the ride's lift hill, and discussed the fluctuations of toxicity levels in Lake Erie over the years. After halfheartedly raising their hands for the ride's tepid, hyperbraked first drop, the two launched into a spirited discussion about Albrecht Altdorfer's use of chiaroscuro. Following that, Bergman convinced a dubious Pongracz that first trimester trophoblast cells create immune cell apoptosis by secreting a Fas ligand. At that point, Pongracz switched topics to gourmet cooking, and convinced Bergman that a light citrus glaze would complement the flavor of a rare tuna steak far better than a heavier chipotle coulee or mango chutney.
Pongracz and Bergman then took a break from their little chat to do some reading. Pongracz completed Les Miserables, while Bergman nearly finished Solzhenitsyn's The Gulag Archipelago.
Following the three-hour-long midcourse brake, the two then delved into further academic and artistic pursuits together. According to Bergman, the pair successfully translated the complete works of Sartre into Hindustani, composed a ninety-minute prog-rock masterpiece called "Pug of Assisi," solved Fermat's Last Theorem, and made fun of each other's top ten coaster lists.
Allegedly, Pongracz also found time on the final brake run to note that riding Mean Streak was "like a cross between a rough proctology exam and a night in a Turkish prison."
"I'm so glad that this coaster was so endless and boring, and we had time to accomplish all these things we did," said an elated Bergman. "Just think, if Mean Streak didn't blow then we'd have just spent the last seven hours going 'Wheeeeeeee!' Fortunately, it did blow, and we got to spend all those hours on it broadening our minds. It's my new number one."
Monday, August 09, 2004
Enthusiast Fails Spectacularly to Design Dark Ride Themed After Gounoud's Faust
In what he describes as "an incredible experience," coaster and classical music enthusiast Kirk James failed spectacularly to design an elaborately themed dark ride after attending an presentation of an obscure operatic version of the legendary Faust story.
"I'd seen this kick-ass presentation of the opera at some community college with an amazing viola section, and I started to think, 'Hey, this could work at Islands of Adventure!'" said James in an exclusive ARN&R interview. "So I started some drawings and ended up with a two-inch binder of materials to send down to Universal."
The ride he imagined opened, as did the opera, with Faust wearing, for no identifiable reason, a Klingon mask, only to remove it upon striking a deal with the devil. But instead of launching into, for example, a high-speed coaster-style ride a la "Revenge of the Mummy," reflecting Faust's adventures with the devil on his side, James's design contemplated riders sitting in unmoving seats for approximately seven hours of opera.
James insisted that riders would not get bored, thanks to the surtitles with translations of what was happening on stage. "That makes opera rock, and the kids'll love it! Also, the chick I have in mind to play Faust's girlfriend will smile inappropriately at every moment, including during the time at which she's killing her unborn baby, so that'll be fun too," said James. The ride will conclude with riders taking what James described as "a wild and crazy ride" on an enormous viola bow.
Universal ride engineers, reached for comment, said they did not expect to install the Faust ride at any point during the coming two eons. "But could you have him send in more proposals? That stuff's funny!" they added.
James is reportedly in the process of developing a modified Tilt-A-Whirl to be based on Wagner's Ring Cycle.
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