- - -
Saturday, September 11, 2004
SLC Was Just a Practical Joke, Says Former Designer
The Vekoma Suspended Looping Coaster, a design cloned at scores of amusement parks worldwide, was just a pratical joke, says a former designer at the firm.
"Yeah, I was just horsing around with the boys," indicated Theodore van Bentheusen, 50, a former employee at Vekoma. "We were all trying to come up with a ride, and kept getting stuck without any useful concepts, and it was getting pretty grim and depressing after a few weeks of that. I figured I'd lighten the mood by cracking funny, so I threw together some plans for this ridiculous thing I called an 'SLC' in about five minutes and submitted it to the rest of the design team."
"It was really an amazingly funny prank I played," said van Bentheusen. "Simply the most idiotic coaster design ever. Anyone who rode one of those things would come off with cranial damage so severe they wouldn't remember their own name! I was snickering openly the whole time I was writing the proposal, so I was very proud of myself for keeping a straight face when I turned it in. I mean, it was hilarious seeing the rest of the guys wasting hours thoughtfully poring over the designs for something no one would ever possibly want to build!"
Sadly, none of the rest of the design team or management at Vekoma noticed that van Bentheusen's SLC, now known affectionally by coaster enthusiasts as a "Hang 'n' Bang," was actually a practical joke. Instead, the company rushed the model into production, and dozens of eager park owners fell all over each other trying to buy one or more of the contraptions for their establishments.
"A couple years ago, I had this other really great idea for a prank to play," said a wistful van Bentheusen. "I figured it would be hysterical to submit a design for this ride where the passengers bend over, and then this long barbed pole gets rammed deep into their anus, and then they go zooming around on a high-speed, rough coaster course filled with inversions while supported only by that barbed pole shoved up their ass. But then I remembered how everyone took my last prank seriously, and I didn't want to be responsible for unleashing more pain on the world."
Friday, September 10, 2004
Busch Gardens Tampa to Offer New Midway Game
Busch Gardens Tampa Bay announced yesterday that it would be opening a new combination attraction and midway game. The game, called "Hit the Alligator in the Head with a Donut," will be located where the alligators currently reside near the front of the park, and is being sponsored by Krispy Kreme.
"Everyone knows the alligators are completely unattended," said Busch spokesman Bruce McCulloch. "And since kids spend all day throwing turtle food and other foreign objects on the alligators' heads anyway, we figured we may as well make some money off it."
For $5, guests will now be able to receive 3 donuts which they may throw at the gators. If the guests are able to successfully hit the gators all three times, they will receive a prize of choice of either a tooth taken from a living alligator or an actual piece of alligator skin.
McCulloch further boasted the game continued BGT's parkwide goal of "creating animal attractions that are completely unattended by staff during the park day that showcase depressed, sickly looking animals in a dilapidated, unnatural, and poorly maintained surroundings."
10% of all proceeds, McCulloch concluded, will be donated to local animal shelters.
Thursday, September 09, 2004
SFOT Parking Signs to be Renamed
Six Flags Over Texas has recently made a commitment, as part of improving the guest experience, to rename the signs in their parking lot. The new signs, which will replace the letter/number system currently used by most Six Flags parks, are hoped to more accurately reflect the parking situation in the park that day.
The new names for the signs, in order of their proximity to the park, are:
Holy Shit, How Early Did You Wake Up, Freak!
Someone Got Lucky!
You're Not That Far Away
Well, Someone Woke Up A Half Hour Late!
Um... You're Kind of Far
Dude, You're Far Away
Dude, You're Very Far Away
Dude, You're Very, Very Far Away
Wow, You're Really Far Away
Hope Grandma Got A Wheelchair Handy!
Can You Even See the Park?
with the final, rather lengthy sign stating:
Are you sure you want to come to the park today? It's really, really crowded. Might we recommend you go to a ball game instead? It's actually closer to your car right now than the park.
Wednesday, September 08, 2004
Amusement Park Detective At It Again
Brian Eggeland, 41, of Plonsky, Pennsylvania was overheard by this ARN&R reporter making a shocking discovery while at Cedar Point last weekend.
Eggeland was standing under what appeared to be rock in the passageway in Frontierland. However, Eggeland showed his family that looks in a theme park such as Cedar Point can, in fact, be quite deceiving.
"See?" said Eggeland, knocking loudly on the exterior. "It's hollow!" he cried, "Totally fake!" Eggeland's family's reaction to this amazing discovery ranged from complete disinterest from his children to moderate embarrassment from his wife.
The material in question, which looks indistinguishable from actual rock to many four-year-olds and the blind, was successfully debunked by Professor Eggeland, who would later on prove conclusively that Snoopy is, in fact, just some underpaid teenager in a suit and that Disaster Transport is not actually a trip either from or to Alaska.
Tuesday, September 07, 2004
Psychotic Cretin Jerkoff at it Again
It was getting to be a disappointing week here at ARN&R, as the crop of potential Sites O' the Weak we've harvested recently was not as exceptional as we'd prefer. We were sort of resigned to just putting up one of a large number of modestly lame sites we've got collected. And then, out of the blue, we were blessed with the re-emergence of the sickest, most pathetic loser ever to sully the coaster-themed internet world (and, boy oh boy, is that saying something).
Yes, it's the return of the Psychotic Cretin Jerkoff! We figured after we reported on his stint on Montel, where he used his personal experiences to counsel guests on how to be better stalkers, lunatics, asswipes, and even unwilling sexual playthings for cats, perhaps he would quit posting anywhere and go back home, where he would furtively masturbate while waiting for the uniformed men to knock his door down with a battering ram and take him, kicking and shrieking, to meet his new special prison friends.
We figured wrong.
In his dramatic new testimony, Psychotic Cretin Jerkoff clearly demonstrates his fear that law enforcement authorities somehow won't be able to find any of his other easily-locatable written threats against individuals who won't talk to him and parks that ban him for being a psycho. "I need to provide police with as much evidence against me as possible," said the rabid loser in an exclusive interview. "So I decided to continue harassing the same person and encourage people to cause trouble at a park yet again. I'm really quite eager to have my anus forcibly doubled in size, and figured this should get me in a nice gang shower where I can have that taken care of relatively soon."
"I'm my sister! My daughter! My sister! My daughter!" he added for no apparent reason, slapping himself savagely in the face.
But, breaking from his traditional online stalking, Psychotic Cretin Jerkoff decided to hedge his bets by also practically begging for half the membership of ACE to consider taking him to court. "I figured I'd just go online and claim lots of enthusiasts were doing illegal stuff, while offering no proof whatsoever that any of it is true," he said, after taking time out to soothingly pet a rotted head of lettuce sitting in his lap. "I like courts so much I figured I might as well see if I can spend as much time there as is humanly possible. Or inhumanly, in my case."
"The important thing to remember is that my f*cking skills aren't as good as my receiving-electroshock-therapy skills are," he added.
Then he began clucking like a chicken while pinching and twisting his nipples.
So thank you, Psychotic Cretin Jerkoff, for enabling us to put up a great Site O' the Weak instead of a mildly dumb site like we might have been forced to. And congratulations for scoring the SOW with two different lunatic jerkoff posts within approximately one month. Can we hope for the three-peat?
Monday, September 06, 2004
Legoland California Receives Unexpected Units
Tim Johanson, Legoland California’s General Manager, wasn’t sure what to make of his most recent shipment. Monday morning, his park got a truckload full of gigantic dildos. They were plastic penises of all sizes, some with balls and some with a simple shaft.
“I have never seen anything quite like a 4-foot penis,” Johanson said as he stood in awe. “I mean, that is just one gigantic pecker. Jesus, that’s big.”
After returning to his office Johanson tracked down the mix-up. In May he ordered additional theming supplies for the park’s new Dino Island section. The exhibit was to be called Dino-Rama, but apparently some sloppy note taking resulted in the arrival of sex apparel for a new Dildo-Rama section.
Tina Adams, one of the proprietors of Good Vibrations, a nationally known adult toy store, said she felt the order was a bit odd when she got the call from Roger Roberts, the head of the consulting group brought in by LegoLand. “I was wondering why a guy would call and talk about theming with me, but an order is an order. I can build dildos any size a customer needs. We just never thought we would mold a penis fit for Queen Kong. I thought about asking someone if we were doing the right thing, but since Southern California is the porn capital of the country I thought they were building a new kind of theme park.”
Back at Legoland Johanson tried to fit the dildos into the scenery. “We used them as palm trees, we made them into warriors’ spears and even created a stegosaurus out of dildos. Sure, it was fun to see kids playing on the ‘Dildosaurus’ but some of the parents got apprehensive. I guess they just don’t think a child speeding down a 10-foot dong is good wholesome fun. It’s not like they were in any danger -- the balls gently stopped the kids at the bottom of the slide.”
One of the most ingenious applications was turning an ejaculating penis into a Whitewater West Rain Fortress, but the park had to take it out because it only “poured water” once every few hours on a good day.
Despite the bizarre application the large one-eyed trouser snakes got some kudos from the amusement industry. The park won a Golden Ticket Award for “Best Use Of A Choad” and insightful industry veteran Paul Ruben called the display “simply breathtaking.”
Johanson looks forward to future installations but says he will watch over things with a closer eye. “I think we’ll have to be a little more careful with 2005’s new planned 4-d show ‘Fun With Felines,’” the tired GM said.
By the way, in case you're really not too sharp, this is satire.
Our favorite review: "as a joke it [ARN&R] wasn't that funny. all of my family take parks very seriuslyand all thow we laffed after time we were apoled by the joke."
Anything you e-mail us is fair game to go on the site or to be used in any other way, including printing it up real big and posting it outside AbsolutelyReliableTowers.
Sorry, your IQ must be this high and your age at least 18 to be among the intended readers of ARN&R. Please enjoy some of our other attractions.
We like gravy and the occasional buffet. The greatest thing ever, however, would be a gravy buffet.