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Thursday, September 16, 2004
The Assault of the Bad Coaster Sites Continues
It's Site O' the Weak time again. Although we aren't able to provide you with any new pathetic, lunatic rants by criminally insane losers, like we did last week, we did manage to find something suitably lame: Brian and Robs Coasters. Assuming you can plow your way past some questionable spelling and grammar ("regester," a lack of an apostrophe in the actual site name, and odd sentences such as "Sign up with to talk coasters with our fellow members! And talk about up-coming up-dates!"), this site has plenty to offer. First off, there's the short list of coaster record holders, formatted to look exactly like hyperlinks, except no hyperlinks actually exist. Then there is the photo page. Giving credit where credit is due, the photos themselves are actually not bad at all. But why must they all be on one page? Break 'em up into multiple pages and people can view each page in under forty minutes, boys.
But the shining glory of Brian and Robs is, as is typical, the forums. We certainly think there need to be even more coaster forums on websites, in order that we can glean important information and thoughtful opinions. We're certainly planning to "regester" so we can get our intellectual swerve on. Populated by what appear to be exactly five posters, these forums have, in a short time, already provided these gems:
-A claim by one poster that he makes illegitimate use of what he refers to as "a cripple pass," where he makes up injuries in order to get to the front of coaster lines.
-An insightful discussion on a unique and thought-provoking new idea: are wood or steel coasters better?
-All the important breaking news.
-Discussions about spelling mistakes that feature even more spelling mistakes.
There also seem to be lots of places where there are odd things at the ends of sentences, such as :rollseyes: and :huh:, leading us to believe that those emoticons aren't working quite right.
But hey, if there weren't forums like this, this website would probably never have received the great honor that comes with being the ARN&R Site O' the Weak.
[Editor's Note: The operators of the Site O' the Weak have now taken it down, denying us the fun of looking at all the spelling errors and terrible formatting. Fortunately, you may feel free to continue visiting the forums, as they are still operational.]
Cave Enthusiasts Ruin Experience for Coaster Enthusiast
Stanton, MO: On a road trip to Silver Dollar City, a member of our beloved coaster community was shocked to discover that enthusiasts of all kinds can ruin experiences for the general public.
"I thought it would be fun to stop off at the Meramec Caverns Ė all of the billboards advertised 'Jesse James Hideout' and there were pictures of dinosaurs and stuff," said ACEr Jeremy Selbstmord, who traveled alone from Chicago to Branson to experience SDC & CC. "Who knew that my experience would be ruined by a couple of complete losers."
The losers in question were three members of ACCE, the American Cavern and Cave Enthusiasts, who were in the same tour group as the ACE member.
An ACCEr, ruining everything. Photo courtesy of Jeremy Selbstmord.
"They kept pushing ahead of the group, making stalagmite jokes that only they thought were funny," continued Selbstmord in a telephone interview from St. Louis. "Then they kept asking our tour guide completely obscure questions as if they were testing him. Everyone just started rolling their eyes after a while. Donít these guys have a life?"
The final straw was when one of the ACCErs started to complain about no spelunking being allowed in the caverns and how the "dumb GP" just comes to see the James Gangís loot. "Man, I just wanted to strangle that guy with his own Teva sandals. Can you imagine being that obsessed with something like caves? Like, as if they know how the place should be run!"
Selbstmord's trip had a happy ending after all, when he arrived in Branson and proceeded to ride the Ozark Wildcat 30 times consecutively. "Iím so glad Iím normal."
--MMS & CSB
Tuesday, September 14, 2004
Six Flags Magic Mountain Suspends Service of Fugu Two Days After Debut
Casualty Count Still Unavailable
Food Etc., a food stand in the "Colossus County Fair" section of Six Flags Magic Mountain, has suspended service of fugu just two days after the fish's debut at the sushi stand there. Though no casualty count is confirmed, it's suspected that at least two people are dead after ingesting the tasty new delicacy.
Magic Mountain General Manager Del Holland had this to say:
"Anyone who knows Magic Mountain's quality of ride operations, food standards, and employee training easily knows the that our park has no negligent role in this tragedy." Holland stated, "There appears, actually, to be a problem with the supplier. Apparently, while they were supposed to deliver the rare and exotic delicacy of fugu to be served at our Food Etc. stand for the low and competitive price of $400 a plate, they instead delivered us an incredibly poisonous blowfish of some nature. Rest assured that this will work its way out in litigation, and we at Six Flags offer our deepest sympathies to all the victims of this erroneously-served food."
When it was explained to the General Manager that fugu is, in fact, an incredibly poisonous blowfish that requires a specially trained and licensed chef to prepare or else causes the painful death of anyone that ingests it, Mr. Holland paused to digest the information, then emitted the careful reply of "Oh shit."
By the way, in case you're really not too sharp, this is satire.
Our favorite review: "as a joke it [ARN&R] wasn't that funny. all of my family take parks very seriuslyand all thow we laffed after time we were apoled by the joke."
Anything you e-mail us is fair game to go on the site or to be used in any other way, including printing it up real big and posting it outside AbsolutelyReliableTowers.
Sorry, your IQ must be this high and your age at least 18 to be among the intended readers of ARN&R. Please enjoy some of our other attractions.
We like gravy and the occasional buffet. The greatest thing ever, however, would be a gravy buffet.