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Saturday, October 09, 2004
Fright Fest a Huge Hit at Six Flags Great Adventure
Given that Six Flags Great Adventure has recently been under fire over its choice of name for its new roller coaster, the park could only hope that its good name could be reclaimed with a successful Halloween celebration. With Fright Fest drawing in eager throngs, it's mission accomplished. ARN&R was recently able to experience the themed October festivities at SFGRAD, and presents this exclusive report on what guests can expect.
Hypnosteria is a fun-filled adventure for the whole family. In it, master illusionists moonlighting from their Quick Stop day jobs hypnotize crowds of eager guests into thinking that they have not been ripped off despite paying full price and finding half the rides closed and none of the bathrooms cleaned in the past three weeks. Note: this is not an optional attraction. All guests must experience Hypnosteria immediately after passing through security.
Dead Man's Party is an unusual attraction where a group of guests are wined and dined at a fete thrown by William Blake, the character portrayed by Johnny Depp in the film Dead Man. Like the movie, this attraction is designed to confuse and bore audience members. Any relationship between the attraction and Halloween was not fully explained in the promotional literature distributed by the park at the entrance gate.
Monster of Mock is a rather frightening show where a Ritz Cracker representative spends twenty minutes showing guests how to create a Mock Apple Pie using no actual apples.
Super Spooky Dolphin Show features aquatic creatures in their natural environment, except, in celebration of Halloween, they have been filled with the spirit of Satan and turned into blood-crazed demon-beasts. It is a remarkable sight indeed to see Spooky Dolphins, our cuddly friends of the sea, leaping out of their tank, doing back flips, waving their tails at the audience, and then dragging three or four children into the tank to devour. Guests are advised to avoid the first several rows, as the likelihood of being ripped limb from limb, or of getting bloody water all over their clothes from all the splashing, is much reduced. Most dolphin and whale show areas in theme parks have signs that say "You WILL Get Wet" for certain areas; this exhibit has signs that say "You WILL Get Eaten."
Finally, the exciting-sounding Ghoul Repellent, assumed to be a thrilling haunted house or trail, turns out only to be a special charm children can wear to ward off coaster enthusiasts attending the event. Disappointing.
More information about all these exciting attractions can be found at the Six Flags Great Adventure website.
Friday, October 08, 2004
Heimo Sued by Wicked Pictures Star
German Animatronic company Heimo recently received a lawsuit from Wicked Pictures. The adult film company’s star Woody Ruffwood said the amusement park company has stolen his image and name for their new "Woody Ruffwood, the Talking Tree" concept.
"It would have been fine if I could get some royalties or something, but this is ridiculous," moaned Ruffwood. "I plug women for hours on end and this is the respect I get. What is this world coming to?"
Paulaner Franziskaner, Heimo’s PR Director, said he didn’t know what the confusion was about. He commented, "Ve don’t know why Herr Ruffwood has such a hard-on for our tree. It is just a piece of wood that makes people happy."
The object in question is Heimo’s new Woody Ruffwood attraction, a freestanding animatronic object that includes woodpeckers, beavers and owls with hooters that many swear are direct from nature.
Harmless Squirming Log or Shameless Ripoff of Porn Star's Good Name?
The professional plunger says the similarities are obvious. "Look at his nose; it hooks to the left, just like me. In addition, he can go for hours without stopping. I don’t know if he had that nasty case of crabs a few years ago, but it wouldn’t surprise me."
Despite the problems, Heimo has refused to take the tree off the market. Franziskaner commented that the company will "stand hard and firm" against the "laughable allegations."
Utter Prick, or Complete Asshole?
That's the question of the day as we alert you to our Site O' the Weak. It refers specifically to the poster NoGodForMe (AKA Robert Viands), who takes a forum topic about a lawsuit involving Six Flags New England and goes on three separate racist tirades where he extensively details his hatred of Jews, and rips into women and Pakistanis while he's at it. He even specifically calls a Jewish poster on the forum some offensive things we don't find it necessary to repeat here. Perhaps a long day of drinking and attending Klan rallies prevented him from spewing more of his oral diarrhea about how much he hates any other people different from him.
Although there has been a fair amount of activity on the topic from people trashing this Neanderthal's worthless posts, we're a little surprised that there hasn't been more. Do you coaster enthusiasts actually tolerate this sort of racist filth? Between this guy and Psycho Loser Stalker Boy, the coaster enthusiast community is sure looking real good right now!
Just because inbred, sub-moronic rednecks have a delusional opinion doesn't mean it needs to be shared with civilized society. Keep the asinine racist and anti-Semitic comments to yourself and go f*ck some more goats and swine.
Wednesday, October 06, 2004
Holiday World's Plans Exposed
Holiday World today announced a large expansion of its Splashin' Safari water park, as well as a new flat ride and a second train on its acclaimed Raven roller coaster.
ARN&R, however, has learned the truth behind the park's plans, having acquired a confidential memorandum from Will Koch, head of the park, to employees. Its text is reproduced here exclusively:
FR: Will Koch
RE: Rebranding the Park
You have all now received a copy of our press release announcing the significant expansion of the water park with our new wave pool called "Bahari," the new "Revolution" flat ride, and the second train on Raven. This memorandum provides you with further information about how this fits into my ultimate goal of the park being acquired and rebranded as "Six Flags Over That Empty Part Of Indiana."
In order to properly impress Six Flags corporate into purchasing the park, please note the following:
- We will consistently be running the second train on Raven, but the second train will at all times be completely empty.
- Although the water park is nearly doubling in size, we will be reducing our employee count in that area by 20% and throw away half of our tubes.
- The new flat ride will be inoperable for 75% of the time with no signage or explanation.
- Our popular "free soda" program will henceforth be limited to one two-ounce cup per day and will only include "Squirt" brand soda.
- Our popular "free sunscreen" program will provide only SPF 3 sunscreen. Additional sunscreen will cost $5 for a one-ounce bottle.
- We will immediately spend millions on an ad campaign featuring a freakish old person insisting that the park is fun while not actually doing anything to make it so.
I thank you for your cooperation in this exciting time.
I remain, very truly yours,
Will "Mr. Six" Koch
Coaster Enthusiast Photoshops New Girlfriend's Face Over Old Girlfriend's Body on Fan Website
Dan Rosenberg has finally agreed to talk to ARN&R about the drastic changes to, and subsequent removal of, his coaster fan website, coasterjunkie.net, last week. As many coaster web crawlers are already aware, coasterjunkie.net disappeared last week after the site was widely linked and ridiculed for some evident changes made to all the photos on the site.
"I didn't think it was going to be a big deal." Rosenberg said in an exclusive ARN&R interview, "I mean, Sarah [Rosenberg's new girlfriend] was really getting on my ass about having all these photos of Cheryl [his old girlfriend] on my website. She said it was "a shrine to Cheryl" or something like that. I figured if I did this, I could get Sarah off my ass without destroying my website. Because, I mean, pictures with Cheryl in them are like 75% of my photos."
2 of the over 400 photos Rosenberg (pictured above) "altered"
"To be honest, I didn't think anyone would actually notice. Up until last week, I thought I was pretty good with Photoshop," continued Rosenberg.
"Well, apparently...I'm not."
Having been ridiculed extensively and widely over the internet, Rosenberg is now unclear about the future of coasterjunkie.net.
"I'm thinking of getting a new hobby," Rosenberg said when asked about his future. "Like maybe Star Trek fan fiction, or collecting coin-operated video arcade games. It's become clear to me I should get a new obsession with every new girlfriend."
Tuesday, October 05, 2004
It's Official: Kingda Ka Finally Receives Name Change
Following four days of intense discussions, the staff of Six Flags Great Adventure, along with several members of the Six Flags corporate offices, finally emerged, filthy, unshaven, and smelling like goats coated with used diapers, to announce the new name for the under-construction coaster formerly and controversially known as Kingda Ka. The name change was brought on by the discovery that many groups found the original name highly offensive, but what was to have been a quick meeting to determine a new moniker had become a marathon negotiation, as the Six Flags officials debated and discarded numerous possibilities, from King Caca to Kunta Kente.
At an official press conference, Six Flags Great Adventure's Vice President of Literary Affairs Baron Chauncy Jeffers Choate Butterworth IX proudly unveiled a handsome crayon poster which displayed the new title and theme for the 2005 gigacoaster.
"The reign of Kingda Ka is over," said Butterworth. "Bow to your new master, Kubla Khan."
Butterworth then assumed a look of ecstasy, flipped to a dog-eared passage in his leather-bound poetry tome, curled his hand upward for emphasis, and whispered the following:
The shadow of the dome of pleasure
Floated midway on the waves;
Where was heard the mingled measure
From the fountain and the caves.
It was a miracle of rare device,
A sunny pleasure dome with caves of ice!
Butterworth then sighed and shivered all over in a vaguely orgasmic fashion.
Subtitled Or a Coaster in Six Flags Great Adventure. A Fragment, Kubla Khan remains a ride that will set records for coaster height, speed, and wait time. Additionally, the name of the ride will maintain the all-important alliteration the staff knew it would have to have in order for it to maintain any credibility. However, the addition of extensive new theming will mean the ride will also be the most expensive amusement park attraction ever devised, multiplying by a googolplex the original price estimate from Intamin.
"We aren't worried about the money as much as we were even a few days ago," noted Butterworth. "Since some coaster enthusiasts keep insisting that it's totally acceptable for us to charge patrons astounding amounts of money while failing to provide even the most basic levels of sanitation, service, or operational rides, and that anyone who holds a negative opinion of our park is an idiot, it's pretty obvious that 99% of enthusiasts are brain dead morons who will give us wads of moolah no matter what we do."
He continued: "We're actually planning to double our costs next year, not open a single ride, and allow the monkeys from the zoo to put any part of their body into any part of the patron's body anytime they want, just to see how much we can get away with before the stupid shits wise up. But that's neither here nor there."
Although money is apparently no longer an object, Butterworth noted that there were some challenges ahead for the creative team in charge of theming Kubla Khan. "Building a proper Xanadu for this ruling coaster is not going to be easy," he admitted. "The 'caverns measureless to man' and the 'twice five miles of fertile ground' are going to prove particularly difficult to build within the confines of property we actually own. And since Samuel Taylor Coleridge has been dead for a hundred and seventy years, we have only minimal hope of getting him to assist with the theming as a creative consultant. But I'm sure everything will work out fabulously by May."
"In Xanadu did Kubla Khan a stately rocket coaster decree, bitches!" Butterworth concluded.
Six Flags officials refused to comment on whether, as has been rumored, their attempt to remain faithful to the Kubla Khan theme would mean that the new coaster would remain unfinished.
--JCK (Inspired by an idea from CSB)
Monday, October 04, 2004
Screamscape Contributor Files Suit Against Great Adventure Employee
Jason Knobler has filed a lawsuit against Carol Lipinski, an employee of the Dippin' Dots dessert stand. The complaint, filed yesterday, alleges that Lipinski "totally lied" about Six Flags Great Adventure's new coaster plans and, in fact, "totally made lots of shit up" during the course of the 2004 season.
Apparently, Knobler’s deal with the three-hundred-pound Lipinski was for "sexual services" at prearranged meetings during the months of July and August. At the end of each session, it was arranged that Lipinski would service Knobler back with a new piece of information about Great Adventure’s planned roller coaster for 2005, information that Knobler would send via his cell phone to Screamscape, hoping to break the story.
"I worked very, very hard for that information," said Knobler in a prepared statement, "and endured acts that would break most men. In the two months that I 'serviced' Ms. Lipinski, during those encounters, and their aftermath, I questioned my identity, my sanity, and my sexuality. And for what? She told me it was a 500 foot, B&M, inverted, launched coaster that went underwater. I want restitution!"
When contacted by ARN&R, Lipinski responded that she only told Knobler "what he wanted to hear." When asked about the lawsuit, Lipinski said she felt no ill will toward Knobler and, in fact, "wished he would call her sometime."
By the way, in case you're really not too sharp, this is satire.
Our favorite review: "as a joke it [ARN&R] wasn't that funny. all of my family take parks very seriuslyand all thow we laffed after time we were apoled by the joke."
Anything you e-mail us is fair game to go on the site or to be used in any other way, including printing it up real big and posting it outside AbsolutelyReliableTowers.
Sorry, your IQ must be this high and your age at least 18 to be among the intended readers of ARN&R. Please enjoy some of our other attractions.
We like gravy and the occasional buffet. The greatest thing ever, however, would be a gravy buffet.