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Thursday, November 11, 2004
Surviving IAAPA: A Guide for Enthusiasts
Hey enthusiasts, it is FMB rappin' at ya with the latest in IAAPA "do's and don'ts." I know you have been wondering what to wear, what to say and how to shake your groove thing while on the show floor. All I can say is don't worry, we've got you covered. Delve into some of these great pointers and soon you and Claude Mabillard will be on the friendship tip.
Those rides out back are set up for enthusiasts -- for you. Be sure to spend a lot of time riding and re-riding each piece of equipment to make sure you can post how much fun they were or how much they sucked. Don't forget to tell the guy stuck working in the Florida sun whether or not you like the ride; his company will appreciate your input. Afterwards, feel free to pleasure yourself on the diamond plating.
4) Interview For Your Website
Your site on Earthlink is arguably the finest source of coaster information out there. It doesn't matter that you still list the "New For '01" coasters, people come to you because you are the enthusiast with brains. Don't feel bad about cornering Werner Stengel for a half-hour to talk about Millennium Force. He loves talking to someone as smart as you. Make sure he leaves with one of the business cards you printed up at home. Yes, soon the Steng-dog will be dropping firstname.lastname@example.org an email asking design advice.
3) Sport a Mullet
Nothing says "professional" like a mullet. This tells people that you are business in the front, party in the back and one hardcore coaster-marathoning motherf*cker. When you roll up with the t-tops down in the hot Florida sun and your feathered mullet blowing in the wind, heads will turn and everyone will know a high-roller has just stepped onto the show floor. Don't be embarrassed by how successful you are -- embrace it.
2) No Stress Dress
This is your only vacation from being shift manager at McDonald's, so enjoy life! Don't be afraid to weather that black Mamba t-shirt that is a few sizes too small. No one will even notice your gut with that foxy Beast belt buckle. Ride manufacturers always enjoy it when you hang around their booth in a t-shirt that has their coaster on it. In fact, if you see customers having to wait to talk to a representative, don't be afraid, start telling them why Manufacturer X "rocks."
If I have learned one thing, it is that IAAPA is for enthusiasts. Make sure you interrupt when ride people are talking about products, especially when they are going over final contract points. You paid to get in and therefore you are just as important to Vekoma as Marty Skelar. Trust me, they will be so impressed when you tell them how to improve their rides!
Well folks, I will see you down in the Sunshine State. Just look for the handy-dandy neon yellow ARN&R press pass. I can't wait to discuss the best seat on TTD with you at Denny's.
Surviving IAAPA: A Guide for Industry Buyers
For decades Absolutely Reliable News & Rumors has been the voice of the amusement industry and in 2004 we are proud to step up our IAAPA coverage to unprecedented levels. For months, industry leaders, CEOs and even Mickey himself have come to us wanting to know how to “work” the show floor. Here are what we consider the five most important tips to making the most out of your time as a buyer for your park, carnival, FEC, or fictional Pittsburgh-area amusement park/entertainment complex.
5) Chicks in Bikinis
Almost every year a few booths set up with hot chicks in bikinis that do not speak English. Be sure to stop by them often. Your wife probably has a “mom ass” by now and knows you very well -- but not these women. They barely understand a word you say as you drool over their tight bodies. When they ask “U vant Laser Tag?” you should not respond; just continue to stare at their chests.
4) Free Food
The show floor is big and you will get hungry. Be sure to take advantage of the delicious tiny morsels of Dippin’ Dots, Noble Roman’s Pizza and Steve’s Sausage you get to wait in line an hour for. Don’t bother with the great restaurants mere steps away (e.g. Peabody) -- you only have eight hours each day to see the five people you made appointments with!
3) Hotel Porn
If the person that handles expense accounts is an old woman unwilling to talk about sex (or just stupid) then take advantage of the many movie choices offered by your hotel. “Secretary Sluts Five,” “Asian Delights” or even “Sex Wars Episode Two: Boning the Clones” will be sure to get the job done. If your employer has the nerve to ask you about buying beat material tell them to simply look at the receipt. All it says is “movie.” What are they going to do about it? Fire you?
2) Indoor SCAD Tower: Not a Good Idea
This is pretty self explanatory. The SCAD tower set up inside drops you into a net. The same net the company forgot to set up for one child. Simply put, don’t ride it. This is also something to think about when considering attractions for your park.
1) Drink Heavily
It is called an expense account for a reason, so use the damn thing. Don’t be afraid to buy a drink for that pretty lady at the bar who might be a hooker. It is easy to hide $20 in drinks and even easier to feed a dead prostitute to Shamu. Go for it! After all, you’re on vacation.
Tuesday, November 09, 2004
Old Town Opens Shakira
To battle the new Busch Gardens Tampa investment SheiKra, Old Town in Kissimmee, Florida has promised Shakira for the 2005 season. PR Director Steve Stern said, “Sure that park has a multi-million dollar investment, but we have Shakira.”
For hours worthless enthusiast boards buzzed about what the new attraction could be. Was it a hyper coaster? Was it a gigantic flume? Was it a Vegas-style revue featuring the ass-shaking singer herself?
“We looked at every exciting ride on the market today and bought a Vekoma SLC,” said Stern. “It will be there ‘Whenever, Wherever,’ get it, just like her song. Jesus, I'm clever.”
Walking with Stern we saw where Old Town plans to put the new ride. We also asked some locals about their thoughts on naming a ride after the two-hit wonder. Most had never heard of the singer, but one enthusiastic man in a Florida Coaster Club t-shirt lit up when her name was mentioned.
“Yeah, I LOVE Shakira,” said 28 year-old Timothy Stubbins of Tampa. “I pleasured myself to that song of hers during Robb Alvey’s coaster video,” the disturbing man continued.
This reporter encourages all IAAPA attendees to get down to Old Town ASAP so they can get “underneath the restraints” of the new coaster.
Shakira could not be reached for comment.
By the way, in case you're really not too sharp, this is satire.
Our favorite review: "as a joke it [ARN&R] wasn't that funny. all of my family take parks very seriuslyand all thow we laffed after time we were apoled by the joke."
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