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Thursday, March 09, 2006
Six Flags Over Georgia Becomes More Family Friendly
In his now-famous January publicity stunt where he toured Six Flags Over Georgia with reporters and the park's staff, pointing out things that needed to be fixed or altered in that park and the chain as a whole, Six Flags CEO Mark Shapiro included among his many pronouncements the news that Six Flags will be primarily purchasing family attractions in the near future. Citing a desire to target younger children and happy families more than the loutish teens currently running amok in most Six Flags properties, Shapiro stated that "[y]ou won't see any more Goliaths," a reference to Six Flags Over Georgia's new B&M hypercoaster.
Estimating that family rides cost less than a tenth of what one massive attraction would, and that said massive attractions fail to pay for themselves, Shapiro indicated that upcoming seasons would result in a drastic new look for Six Flags properties.
That drastic new look has arrived. Workers arrived at Six Flags Over Georgia this morning to begin the brisk demolition of Goliath, as well as several other large, non-family-friendly thrillers like the Mindbender, Batman: The Ride, and the Georgia Cyclone.
"This is a sad day for coaster fans everywhere," said a random man in the parking lot wearing nothing but a Beast thong and a coaster patch vest.
In an exclusive interview, Shapiro allowed ARN&R to see the list of fun new family-friendly attractions that will soon be erected at SFOG in place of the disturbing, unprofitable thrill rides that are currently being dismantled and sold for scrap:
Toy Dump Truck
Hungry Hungry Hippos
Mobile Hanging Above Crib
Pan to Bang On With Metal Spoon
"Between the massive savings this type of ride package will afford us, combined with the scrap metal sale, the influx of new family visitors, and jacking the entrance price by 600 percent or so, Six Flags' debt will soon be a thing of the past," Shapiro told us, off the record.
Three ACE Members Totally Shocked That Clay Aiken Might Be Gay
According to credible sources, as many as three members of the American Coaster Enthusiasts were completely surprised by rumors that former American Idol runner-up and almost-singer Clay Aiken might be gay.
"I'm shocked!" cried Bubba Wilson, one of the three, in an interview conducted with the lifelong coaster enthusiast on his stained mattress in his mother's basement. "Who could have ever guessed such a thing?" Wilson added, before going back to the task that has occupied him for much of the past eleven days: cramming a forty-third coaster into his latest Roller Coaster Tycoon park.
Unlike Wilson and two other ACE members, the majority of those involved with the coaster enthusiast organization say that the potential gay Aiken news is not all that exciting. "Um, yeah, that was a shock for the ages," said yawning twenty-year ACE veteran Phil Wrightster from the home he shares with his partner in Florida. "Wait a minute. Are you serious? I thought this was some sort of joke! You actually thought he was straight? How stupid are you?" Wrightster then began laughing so hard that the interview had to be curtailed.
When various ACE members at a recent ERT session were questioned by the national press as to how on earth they had ever guessed that Aiken might be gay before this news was leaked, most were uncooperative. Several went so far as to point and laugh hysterically at the assembled media. "Look, do I really have to explain it to you?" asked Darren Carvel, the only ACEr who would speak to reporters on the record. "Okay, I guess I do. Have you really not heard of gaydar? Even the thirty straight guys in ACE have a rudimentary one strong enough to pick up Clay Aiken, so how could you think he'd slip past one as powerful as, just for example, mine? Jeez, I'm insulted."
Carvel added that he personally was "really grossed out" by Aiken, that he categorically did not think the pop star had "a sexy and smooth and lickable" white chest, and that he would really appreciate it if "the straight girls would please just keep him, because we don't actually want him."
"Yuck," he added.
Wednesday, March 08, 2006
La Ronde Employees Pretend Not to Understand Shapiro
Continuing to make his rounds amongst all his glorious properties, new Six Flags head Mark Shapiro paid his respects to Montreal-based La Ronde today. As has been the case with each of the parks Shapiro has toured, the employees were treated to a harsh appraisal of their failures, as well as a discussion of improvements that Shapiro will demand from them before the start of the next operating season.
As opposed to most of the American properties Shapiro has visited, where management figures from the parks gamely followed Shapiro around like obedient lapdogs and nodded enthusiastically at each of the four thousand ways he told them they sucked, the La Ronde employees appeared to be oddly aloof and uninterested in what their new honcho had to say. Indeed, they all stared blankly at Shapiro, until one of his assistants determined that not a single employee at La Ronde spoke a word of English and that he was therefore making no sense to them at all.
Shapiro then attempted to tell the employees about the new guest-services training and repricing, still in English, but much louder. Then he tried his lecture slowly, in English, with large hand gestures. After several more attempts, the CEO grew exasperated and went all the way back to the United States, looking to recruit a French translator for another try next week.
"That was the most frustrating day of my life," said a distraught Shapiro.
"Américain stupide," noted an amused La Ronde representative to his entire staff, every single one of whom speaks perfect English, just after Shapiro was successfully annoyed.
Tuesday, March 07, 2006
Shapiro: Six Flags Water Parks To Have Fifty Percent Less Urine For 2006
Continuing his tour of Six Flags parks nationwide, new CEO Mark Shapiro made a bold announcement after touring the chain's Hurricane Harbor park adjacent to Six Flags Great America in Gurnee, Illinois:
"In 2006, we are pleased to announce a new commitment to customer service, starting with a reduction in urine-tainted water by at least 50%!"
Asked how he would achieve such an ambitious goal, Shapiro said it was simple. "We've asked our lifeguards and staff to stop peeing in the water supply, though the park's management will continue to be permitted that perk. Based on our initial testing, that will reduce the urine content substantially."
Shapiro declined to comment on reports that the employees would now be urinating in the water supply for the park's "Cool Zone" sprinkler areas.
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