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Saturday, April 08, 2006
Roman Soiko: Poet, Not Lunatic
One of the best perks of running a website that specializes in absolutely reliable news and rumors about the amusement park industry is the substantial number of deranged and moronic emails we receive. It appeared such was the case late last year, when we received this prize, from someone who claimed to be named Roman Soiko. Our entire Foreign Customer Translation Service Happy Fun Enabling Technical Pleasuring Squad Team was unable to discern even the language in which Mr. Soiko's letter was composed, let alone any of its content. So we printed it up and had a laugh at it.
Who's laughing now? Who's laughing now? (This should be conjuring up visions of Evil Dead II or you are required to give up your nerd pass immediately).
Anyway, yes, it seems we were the stupid ones. It turns out that Mr. Soiko's missive was a groundbreaking example of Neo-Brutalist Beat Poetry, and his challenging work of literature, taken by the uncultured rubes of ARN&R as a pile of gibberish, was actually an influential and deeply respected artistic opus; indeed it later won the Nobel Prize in Literature. We were deeply humbled and more than a little embarrassed. It reminded us of when we said Catwoman was the worst movie ever made and then it won all those Oscars.
In light of our blunder and to set the record straight, it is our intent to further the career of this engaging young artist in any way we can. Our first act in this direction will be the presentation of a new work, Roman Soiko: Poetics, which has been praised by leading critics as a "powerful, lyrical work, comparing favorably to the mature output of Dante and Milton, yet with a Terry Pratchett-like gift for humor lacking in the writings of these slightly lesser authors."
Roman Soiko: Poetics
Verso I: GOOG THE SHIZ!
THIS IS THE REASON THE DISASTER OCCURRED. THE REASON WE ALL WANTED TO KNOW. THE ANSWER LIES WITH SIX FLAGS's new marketing strategy. I have been able to understand it fully, and I know their plot is ignorance involved. Currently Dan Snyder is the process of making sure all babies' diapers are cleaned, increasing ticket prices to $300 per person, and making people pay $50 to park. The next coaster will be in Six Flags Great America and feature a 300 foot drop and 12 inversions. Yes, the note was correct. However, it will not be opening this season, but in 2009. This coaster will be designed by our beloved American Coaster Company with heavy grants from its parent, ACE. I reached Carole Sanderson the other day about this new coaster "This coaster will make SFGrAm finally give unlimited ERT till their death!" Carole Sanderson also wanted to shut down ARNR due to a lot of negative press on ACE there. "ARNR has defined us for the last time. They print articles on us saying we all weigh 500 pounds, eat gravy and mashed potatoes, sleep at our parent's house, tell us random people inside their head such as Mzai Onzimonga, Jade Killerson, Hendrik Van Wonderboot, Bunny Bumpkins, and John Wringley McWackey.It is time to shut down ARNR and propagate around the world the great airtime of our new coaster at SFGrAm!" In other news. Mr. Six was given 750 calories of sugar from Cokes.
Verso II: Mr. Six Get's Employed at Holiday World!
(LAST PICTURE IS EVIDENcE)
Verso III: SHIZ THE NIZ
According to this, if you want to love a women,show them pictures of Cedar Point.
[Editor's Note: Roman Soiko: Poetics is composed entirely of verbatim cutting and pasting of emails sent without prompting to the ARN&R staff by Mr. Soiko. The only additions made to the original text were the separating "Verso" markers, which the editors felt would best convey the related but slightly different viewpoints undertaken by the myriad conflicting voices brought to fore by Mr. Soiko in his penetrating and lush literary opus.]
Thanks For Your Patience
To anyone who is actually still bothering to check for updates on a regular basis (we're thinking of you, Peter and Darryl, and probably no one else...), we thank you for your support. And even if you aren't bothering to check very often, we still appreciate your understanding and patience. It's been pretty insane at the ARN&R Towers of late, as we try to supplement our massive and lucrative ARN&R holdings with a bunch of other jobs (you know, for hot tub repairs and aggressive corporate takeovers and such). As certain of the editorial staff have been growing more accustomed to their new schedule of working over 24 hours a day, every day, rest assured (not "be rest assured," which is incorrect, is a pet peeve of ours, and makes you sound like a cretin if you say it that way) that article updates will soon begin flowing in, if not quite at the same frantic level of old, then at least with far better regularity than the past couple weeks.
Wednesday, April 05, 2006
Kieran Burke Back in the News
Ousted Six Flags CEO Kieran Burke may be out of a job running the world's largest regional theme park company, but that certainly does not keep a good man down.
In a recent exclusive ARN&R interview Burke explained, "My severance package when I was ousted as part of Red Zone LLC's proxy battle strictly prohibits me from owning a park or consulting in the industry for the next several years. If I were to break that pledge, I would have to return my almost $10 million dollar severance pay, with interest."
Burke continued, "However, I am pleased to inform my fans that I will be bringing my customer service know-how to others. I have been offered several jobs to help maintain the terrific customer service levels at several large corporations including Verizon Wireless, Comcast, and Merck. Verizon and Comcast care deeply about their valued customers, and Merck never intentionally killed any of their customers, two values at the core of my tenure at Six Flags."
"I turned them all down when I was offered a once-in-a-lifetime oppurtunity to appear in the upcoming Summer 2007 Blockbuster film Ghostbusters III. Bill Murray turned the role down and I was approached by Sony Pictures to be his fill in.
Burke and Murray
"Not to be left out, my counterpart who helped create Premier Parks, Jim Dannhauser, has been retained to play a part in the film when Don Knotts passed away after Rick Moranas refused to be the new KeyMaster."
Dannhauser and Knotts
"Both Jim and I are proud to be even a greater part of the entertainment world. We feel unfortunate that our former COO, Gary Story, is only the spokesperson for Just For Men Hair Color for Beards and Moustaches."
Story and his moustache
When contacted, Debbie Fishpaw, Six Flags's new Supreme Being of Public Relations commented, "I am sure that Mr. Burke is happy with his severance agreement and his legacy is left on Six Flags forever."
By the way, in case you're really not too sharp, this is satire.
Our favorite review: "as a joke it [ARN&R] wasn't that funny. all of my family take parks very seriuslyand all thow we laffed after time we were apoled by the joke."
Anything you e-mail us is fair game to go on the site or to be used in any other way, including printing it up real big and posting it outside AbsolutelyReliableTowers.
Sorry, your IQ must be this high and your age at least 18 to be among the intended readers of ARN&R. Please enjoy some of our other attractions.
We like gravy and the occasional buffet. The greatest thing ever, however, would be a gravy buffet.